I realized I messed up. I started off by saying Bella was 18 and then recently had her celebrate her 18th birthday. It was a bit of oversight. So I am saying now that Bella is 19.

BPOV

Get it together Bella, get it together. You're not a child anymore, you can't break down or be weak. Stop crying.

I let the scalding water wash the tears from my face and the hospital stink from my hair and body. Fire shot through my hands as the water washed the blood from my newly battered hands. I examined the wounds on my knuckles with a small frown, hopefully they wouldn't scar. All of the old scars were faded enough that I could barely see them, the last thing I need is new scars.

I felt like I was falling apart. All of these recent panic attacks and tears, I thought I had them under control, but I guess I don't. No, I did have everything under control until the Cullens came back into my life. Why did they make me feel so out of control? They think they are helping me but they're just making it worse. Without the pack and smoking and drinking I am miserable. I don't want to think and feel and remember. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to fight back these dark thoughts anymore when it's so much easier to give in. I am tired of feeling like this and it hasn't even been 24 hours.

I step out of the shower feeling defeated. I knew there was no way out.

I believed that the Cullens were vampires. They were strong and fast and didn't age. But I knew that, other than Edward, none of them would hurt me physically. But I don't trust any of them and I hate all of them. I just need to get away from them. I dried off and begrudgingly pulled on the Cullen bought clothes that fit perfectly. Jeans and a spaghetti strap t-shirt would have to do. I had to figure out a plan, a way out. If I could just smoke then I could relax and focus. But in order to smoke I needed to get out of here. I was shivering, but I knew it wasn't because of the cold.

I ran my hands through my damp hair in an attempt to control it and yanked on my sneakers. I was going to march down there and demand that they let me go home and hope that would work. When I got into the living room no one was there. My heart started to race, this was my ticket out. I start to sneak towards the door, glancing around to make sure no one was around.

This is too easy. I thought as my hand touched the knob to the front door.

"Where are you going?" On cue.

I turned and looked at Rosalie, staring down at me from the staircase.

"Home" I said seriously.

"You know I can't just let you leave Bella"

"Well if I am going to be held captive I should at least be able to have my stuff here" I snapped angrily.

"That's true, well I'll come with you" She says with an easy smile. "We'll take my car"

I knew that was the only way I'd get home so I rolled my eyes and silently followed her out of the house and into her car. We didn't speak during the ride but my small shivers turned into full blown shivers, complete with the barely concealed urge to let my teeth chatter. Rosalie tried to help by turning on the heat, but of course that didn't work.

"Don't bother coming in. I have to pack up some stuff and I can drive my car back" I say as we pull up to my building.

"I can't leave you here, you might try and leave, and Edward would kill me"

"Then just wait in the car" I snap impatiently.

I walked into the house slamming the door behind me. As soon as the door clicked shut I took off running into my room. Right in the top drawer of my night stand I found the bag, the book, the bank card, and the lone dollar bill.

The shivers subsided almost immediately. I could feel the rush of happiness and relief through my veins and I could breathe again. I hadn't even realized I couldn't breathe.

Somehow I managed to roll a blunt through the haze. I stuffed all of my happy things in the bottom of my duffel bag and covered it with clothes as I lit the blunt. Rosalie walks in not even 5 minutes later.

"Really Bella" she says with a frown, "Edward and Carlisle are definitely going to kill me now."

"I am grown and I can do what I want" I respond with a lazy smile.

To my surprise she doesn't try and take my blunt, or even retort. Instead she starts to help me pack up my clothes and electronics. I was glad that I had already packed my medicine because something told me she wouldn't like that.

By the time I finished smoking I was light headed and smiling. I felt good. Everything felt like it was moving in slow motion and I swear we were in my house for hours, but I knew we weren't in there for more than one hour.

"Are you okay to drive Bella?" Rosalie asked seriously.

I rolled my eyes and climb into my packed up car. I find myself secretly glad she is a vampire because she was a lot faster than me moving my stuff into the car. She pulls off, going exactly the speed limit, with me behind her. I quickly grew tired of that and sped past her backtracking on how to get back to the house. She pulled up beside me in the wrong lane, but no cars were coming. I looked over and her eyes were wide in alarm. I laughed loudly and floored it. I was going so fast that the greenery besides me blurred unseeingly. My heart thumped against my chest violently, adrenaline pumping through my veins.

I saw ahead that the street was coming to an end, which meant my turn was up ahead. I ease on the breaks and turn in time to make it into the worn down path. The car bumped up and down violently as I left the tar and hit dirt and grass. I laughed excitedly because I loved this car and I was having too much fun. I could see Rosalie in my rear view mirror keeping up with an alarmed expression on her face. When I looked up I could see the house, and Esme. I was heading straight for her.

"FUCK" I cried slamming on my break.

The car shrieked in protest and my body jerked towards the steering wheel. By the time the car stopped I was breathing heavy. I looked up and saw that 1 I didn't hit Esme, and 2 Rosalie didn't hit me, but was pulling into the garage safely.

"Bella" Esme cried, darting to the door.

Esme pulled the door open and pulled me out of the car. I looked around and the world was blurry. Esme was in front of me, her mouth moving, but I couldn't hear anything but pounding in my brain. I could feel my body shaking, and finally I turned to the side and threw up. My face was wet with the tears I could feel falling and it felt like my chest was being rung out like a wet rag.

Don't freak out, don't freak out. Breathe.

There was no denying it. In my head I hit Esme, I was going to jail. I could barely breathe. A sharp pain shocked my face almost like a sharp white light hurts your eyes. My vision cleared and my throat opened up. I gasped and looked at Carlisle's worried face and upraised hand. I held my stinging face but was silently grateful. I felt sick and knew I needed to lay down or I would faint.

"Are you ok?" Carlisle asked.

"I need to lay down" I said seriously.

I reached into the back seat and pulled out the most important duffel bag I had. My head swam. I yanked the bag away from Carlisle when he reached to grab it and walked into the house and up to my room. No one bothered me as I locked my door and I put my duffel bag down, climbed in bed, and passed out.

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