Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Rating: M for language.

A/N: I don't know. I guess I haven't written either cute or funny in awhile and so…yeah.

Hunger Pangs

- -om, nom, nom- -

She woke up ravenous. Utterly starving. Stomach so empty it howled. She patted the roundness, rubbed where her bellybutton no longer dimpled her tummy. Considered. Something greasy, juicy, and cheesy with oodles of ketchup and mustard and pickles. Maybe fries. Saliva backed up in her mouth, and she swallowed it back.

Oh, yes. Yes. A cheeseburger was exactly the thing to fill the hole in her stomach. She flung her other arm out sideways in the dark to the swaddled lump beside her. Her fist connected with softness.

A muffled oomph. The heavy breathing changed. "Hunh?" Kiba grunted.

"Sweetheart," she whispered with honeyed voice, "I'm hungry."

Kiba shifted, the sheets rustling, mattress jiggling. "So?" It was more of a grunt than a spoken word.

"The baby is begging for sustenance. He won't stop until he's had something." Her hand slithered under the sheets to the planes of his chest. She stroked, used her nails gently. "Don't you want your little boy to be strong and fierce when he's born?"

"Go get something from the fridge," Kiba muttered. "Leave me alone."

Ino concluded he wasn't awake enough to fully appreciate her dire situation. She pinched him and got his attention when he jerked upright. "What the hell? Ino, I'm sleeping here!"

"While you're up, I need a cheeseburger."

"No. Go to sleep."

Ino rolled to her side so that her huge ballooning stomach was sandwiched between them. "Kiba. I don't think you understand. I will simply waste away to nothingness if I don't get a cheeseburger. Is that what you want? For your wife to fade from neglect? For your son to…oh…I just can't." She feigned tears.

A bereaved sigh washed breath over her. "It's two o'fuckin clock in the morning." That was all he stated before the bedside light clicked on.

Ino winced from the sudden bright, but grinned. He could never resist her tears! Hell, he could never resist her, period. Her beauty and persuasive techniques never failed! She tasted juicy, cheesy, greasy victory!

Kiba scratched his ass as he grabbed a pillow from the bed. Then he trudged across the bedroom. "I'm sleeping on the couch. Goodnight, precious."

She should've left it at that, but the hormones raged through her like an enraged bull. On steroids. That raged. Well, if he wouldn't do the simple task of locating a delicious, life-saving cheeseburger for her, she could do it herself! She was motherfucking Yamanaka Ino, trained by motherfucking Sarutobi Asuma, married to motherfucking Inuzuka Kiba. She was capable.

"Fine!" she shouted. "Fine, I'll get the damn cheeseburger myself!"

"You do that," came Kiba's reply from somewhere in the hallway.

She opted for a complete change out of her nightwear for maternity jeans, shirt, and light sweater against the night cool. Her shoes would be near the door. She followed Kiba's path out the bedroom and down the hall, switching on the light in the living room. Kiba had already sprawled on the couch, face stuffed between the back cushions and his pillow. Faithful Akamaru was splayed out on layers of old blankets along one wall. He lifted a sleepy eyelid, snuffled, and put his head back on his feet.

Ino put on her shoes (with a couple unladylike grunts), grabbed a few bills from her wallet, took her keys, and waddled out the door. She slammed it shut and locked it. Stupid idiot. It was one lousy cheeseburger. Of course she had to do it herself. Wasn't it always the case? She'd have to squeeze the kid out herself if he continued being so useless. Raise her son to be civilized and refined and kind to pregnant women who had carvings they couldn't help.

She made her slow way down the block, cursing under her breath at the inconvenience and outrage of everything. It was "not allowed" for pregnant kunoichi to use chakra, even for short travels. Who decided that? She was motherfucking Yamanaka Ino. She should be allowed to travel how she wanted!

Streetlights gave her ample light on her path to E-Zee Burger. Hope sprang eternal as her stomach let loose a noisy roar of anticipation. Garish yellow and red neon flickered at her across the roof of the place, as well as the huge sign standing on stilts in front. Nirvana, here I come, she thought. But even though lights were on inside, she could see no one manned the counter. And, unbelievably, another neon sign showed it was closed.

Ino very seriously considered breaking all the windows.

The faint grease and cooked meat smell zapped the craving into a living entity inside her. It gnawed at her, teasing her, sticking its tongue out and blowing raspberries at her while wiggling its bun-y fanny at her. That cheeseburger bastard. She'd show it! She was going to eat one if it was the last thing she did.

Where else could she find a burger? Driven by desperate need, Ino stalked further down the block. Ahead, she first saw the 24-hr scrawled across a painted sign. Then an arrow pointed a fluorescent path to "Auntie Tilda's Diner". Ino shuffled up to the diner, saw lights on, and people inside! Relieved nearly to tears, she opened the door and plopped at a swiveling stool at the bar. The bar's edge squished her belly, but not badly.

"Hello, dear. Welcome to Tilda's. What can I get you?" asked the older woman behind the bar. "Menu's overhead."

Ino read her options, and holy of holies, they had what she died for. "A cheeseburger, please. Make it well done with extra pickles. And bacon. Extra bacon. That's all. No, wait." Ino tapped her fingers on the bar. "And a large order of chili-cheese fries. Extra cheesy. Maybe a strawberry milkshake, too. Yeah. A strawberry milkshake, please."

"Oh, I'm sorry, dear. We're out of ground beef. Won't get a new shipment in 'till later this morning. Can I interest you in a turkey burger? I guarantee it'll taste just as good. It'll satisfy that craving."

What? Ino wanted to scream. No ground beef? Didn't they know she was motherfucking Yamanaka Ino? She very seriously considered tearing the bar from the wall and razing the diner. But she wasn't allowed to use gross amounts of chakra.

"No, no thank you." Ino could accept no substitutes. "I'll be going now."

So the diner was a bust. The craving had weakened her. She dropped, breathless, onto a bench. Emptiness yawned inside her, consuming her. Across the street from the diner was a grocery store. It too boasted twenty-four hour service. Ino ran a mental tally of what ingredients she had at home- -she had everything but the ground beef. All she needed was to cook it up. Nothing would stand between her and cheeseburgery victory!

As quickly as she could, which ended up being a snail's pace, she waddled her pregnant way into the grocery store. She zipped (like a turtle) to the meat cooler. Then she stood in a complete stupor for about a minute, staring at the emptiness where the packaged ground beef ought to have been.

"What?" Ino said to no one. "No ground beef? What is this? Do I have go out and pulverize the damn cow myself?"

"No," said a voice behind her. She jumped and spun. Standing behind her with a grocery bag was Kiba. He looked very put-upon and annoyed. "I grabbed the last package. Will you come home now?"

"That is ground beef, right? You're not lying to me?" She reached for the bag. He relinquished it for her inspection. "You know I'm motherfucking Yamanaka Ino. Don't mess with me."

"I married your crazy ass, didn't I? C'mon. Let's go home already."

And they lived happily ever after...

...until her next craving.

A/N: I don't know. It's something new, I guess?