„I see you have made some friends, Iron Hoof."

Riddler patting him again. If only he had sharp straight pointy horns, like a whatstheirname? Something Dutch – wildebeest, springbok, Gamestar, Gamestop, gemsbok?

„I wonder, were they right? I've never made a study of Midgard's animals. Nod if you are overheated."

Tony nodded wildly, yanking on his tether. Unused to the wide range of his antlers, he toppled a small decorative Christmas tree, a pile of gift boxes, and the water bucket.

„Stop thrashing. Here, better?" Ice-cold air surrounded him, the trickster god's hands blue. Much, much better.

„My sincere apologies. Know that I never meant to cause you harm. You know, you could pound a hoof or bleat in Morse code if you need help again. One would think a genius of your calibre ..."

Yeah, sure, asshole, if I had thought you would care …

The returning children interrupted them, bringing armloads full of food and softdrink bottles. A woman in sales staff uniform with a likeness to the pudgy girl was with them. Cursing crazy management who ever increased workload, she started mopping up the floor. The billionnaire paid her no mind, focusing on the food and drinks.

„Hey off! Down, Rudolph! Gosh, that's got to be the most stupid reindeer ever. He wants to eat my chicken sandwich!"

Stupid? No reindeer before had had a degree in aerospace engineering.

„Maybe he wants the bread? You could give him some, I think, but no meat; that can't be healthy."

„What do they normally eat out there in the tundra?"

„I think lichen mostly, and some grasses during summer. Probably birch and willow twigs too if available. And I've read they eat fly agaric mushrooms and get high on them."

Really? Cleverer than he'd given them credit for, those beasts. Clearly you couldn't rely on tourists leaving half-full vodka bottles if you wanted a good buzz out there.

„The drug passes unprocessed, so the arctic people used to drink the reindeer pee and got high on that as well ..."

„Ewww, Timmy, stop it!"

„Do you think this one here has eaten mushrooms?"

„He does look glassy-eyed."

Most certainly not! Now, whisky on the other hand …

„No it's probably too long from Canada, he should be rid of that by now."

„Let's feed him. Here, good rainy-deary."

Tony discovered he loathed lettuce even while ruminant. Arugula was way too hot. Bread tasted nice until he reached the mustard stains. Carrots were a bit hard, apples too large. Popsicles though – extra yummy. Cucumber-smoothie wasn't that bad either, at least it was nicely cold. Too bad he could not order a Bloody Mary.

The childrens' chatter filled him in on this and that while eating. The velvet from a stag's growing antlers was highly valued as an aphrodisiac in eastern Asia. (Hehe, great. Perhaps he could keep some after changing back for later use? Not that Iron Man needed it, of course.)

Mass and air resistance indicated reindeer could not fly. (As if he didn't know.) But then, Thor couldn't either. (Valid point.)

They tried to calculate how much money this PR event might cost, and how many customers would have to spend an extra two bucks on a softdrink while watching the show to make it profitable, but wound up short – too many unknown variables.

The pudgy girl's mother (now finished sweeping and hurriedly running back to her workplace) was on open availability, meaning 24/7 on-call but only on work and getting paid during busy hours when needed. Okay, that sucked.

„ … and he owns half a dozen Lamborghinis ..."

Fifteen. He owned fifteen Lamborghinis. Not a pitiful half dozen. Not to mention the Porsches and Ferraris.

„What's that?"

„Italian sports car. Each one costs more than my mom makes in ten years."

„Wow."

„Newest one is the 'Veneno'. Top speed 220 mph. The Bugatti Veyron 16.4 is faster: 257, and could go faster still engine-wise if not for the tyres, also quicker to accelerate, but the Veneno looks much cooler - like the Batmobile."

Yes, and the slugs in Sant'Agata had delivered three weeks behind schedule, with the poor excuse those little extras he'd demanded took some time.

„But half a dozen? He can only drive one at a time."

What's that got to do with anything? By that logic he could only own one pair of socks.

„You tell me. Apparently, all that money they save on not providing healthcare for employees needs to go somewhere."

The skinny girl leaned over, whispering: „Hey we could ask for a reindeer ride. Then you fall off, play-act a screaming fit and sue them for your college money. Is that a plan?"

„But I don't want to ride no reindeer. What if I really get injured?"

Tony exhaled slowly, relieved. Talking about cruelty to animals. If that dumpling climbed onto his back …

„Col-lege mo-ney! Big rewards require sacrifices. Man up! Do you want to get stuck in a crap job like your mother?"

„I'd look so stupid. I can't even get up there. All the kids there in the line would laugh and upload it on YouTube. 'Fat girl scrambling up reindeer, falls off'. Ten million clicks."

„Then you sue them too: compensation for pain and suffering!"

„Won't work, no luck. And I don't want everyone to laugh at me. Bad enough I'll have to sing with the other employees' chilren later on."

„Sing?"

„In an hour, for the evening news. The happy children sing a song for the superhero shtick."

Okay, Pepper was diligent, but this? She knew he hated non-hardrock music attempts. Who on earth …

A brawny boy came barrelling through the bystanders, wielding a plastic hammer like a hockey stick.

„Out of my way, shit-tauri! I got a hammer from the mighty Thor himself! Take that, you losers!"

Blows rained down on the smaller boy who ducked, protecting his glasses. Now that was gross, but Tony couldn't intervene, tied to the handrail as he was. The girls tried to wrestle off the bully, who hit them too, jeering something about non-cheerleaders.

If he turned by 52 degrees and kicked that soda can just right he could hit that fire alarm button on the wall. Or should he resort to desperate bleating?

Just then, Riddles intervened.

„What have we here? Young man, I am so sorry, we made a grave mistake."

All children gave him blank stares. Tony too.

„A young warrior like you deserves his hammer to be signed, don't you think? An autograph by the mighty Thor himself? Would you not say you're worthy?"

Of course the boy thought himself worthy. While being ushered back towards Thunder-Santa, he started filling Loki in on his hockey and football prowess, much to the beaten kids' dismay. Tony too thought it not fair. He wrinkled his nose – snout. The red device fell off. He stepped on it.

„One word of advice: A worthy warrior does not attack the ladies."

„Ain't no ladies, they are nerds!"

„Very well then, I am sure. Here you go. Thor? Thor, a boon to our special friend here. Would you sign his gift, in runes? It is a mortal custom, if you please."

„That's so unfair. Now I don't want no present for myself from those guys any more." was the 'nerd' comment upon seeing the bully waltz off with his toy hammer with genuine Thor autograph (probably worth some bucks on eBay now). Their green envy lasted only a few yards, though, when that boy – now with his parents – hit a smaller child once more and his hammer changed into a Malibu Stacy doll in pink frilly dress. He threw a tantrum, but the parents dragged him on.

„Worthiness spell." whispered the Joker.

Allright, finally a good use for that magic.

„And what about you children now, who cared so commendably for my vehicle expert quadruped?"

„He still can't fly, I don't believe it, unless I see it with my own eyes."

„Mister, don't you want to take him outside some time soon? Or get a litter box? I mean he ate and drank quite a lot."

Now that someone said it, yes, there was this increasing problem.

„Worry not, young mortals. Let nature run its course. I'm sure Mr Stark will hand out some extra gratification for all the hard-working people who clean up after this fell beast. After all, we are here for a press event."

He wouldn't, would he? Have him pee in front of the cameras, then tell everyone … or even change him back that instant …

He didn't, thankfully. And Thor handled the press guys perfectly in Tony's 'absence'. But Stark was made to suffer through the entire employees' childrens' sing-along performance.

„Tony the superhero

has a red and shiny suit.

And like all superheroes

he fights evil and does good.

All of the grateful humans

cheer him and they praise his name.

Also, his taste in music

adds to his so glorious fame."

Oh God. Earplugs! A billion for some earplugs.

„Tony with your jets so bright

won't you save the world tonight?"

Just then it happened. Cucumber smoothie : bladder – 1:0. He'd have to hack into YouTube and delete some files later on.

The god of mischief offered cookies to the singers afterwards, which nearly all of them turned down. Not so the girl he knew already with the interest in sports cars, and her friends.

„What is that?"

„Would you eat that yourself?"

„Does it taste good?"

„Is it healthy for humans?"

„Does it have any special effects?"

„I am glad you asked. Yes, they do have special effects and won't do you harm. What precisely you'll have to find out. As for the taste – great sacrifices award great rewards?"

That smirk!

And then, the horror-question: „Are they okay for reindeer too?"

„Of course they are. Full grain spelt with hand-picked berries, all organic, no added sugar. The epitome of healthfood, I assure you. Flavours are magic; no additives. Have some, please!"

Tony caught a glance at the package, a simple brown paper bag with the trickster god's neat handwriting on it: Loki Liesmith's Almost Every Effect Cookies. Flavours: tripe, kale, cod liver oil, earwax, blowfly, coprolite.

Yuck. Hadn't they confiscated the horrid stuff past Halloween from him? Must have made more than one batch.

The slim girl hesitantly took one and nibbled.

„Eww. Tastes like fish."

A shiver went over her, then her skin glinted with a silvery shimmer, like – fish scales? Her hair went spotted yellow.

„Coooool! Wow!"

„Does it last?"

„I want a cookie too now. Please?"

Riddles smiled. Yea, supervillains love admirers. Fucking peacock.

„Here you are. Try them out, have fun! And worry not; effects don't last much longer than an hour."

The children happily scampered off, eating on the way, talking about school projects and videos they wanted to make with this. Now and then a tyrannosaur roar was to be heard among much giggling, or one of them would blow smoke from their ears.

When the slim girl suggested selling some to Hammer Industries for analysis, Tony had his New Years resolution: set up a college stipend fund for gifted children. His company could sure use some sports car engineer, and lawyers always came in handy. Maybe even a field biologist could find a niche. Oh, and he'd sit down some guys from the middle management and lay down rules about fair work contracts for all employees. And he'd analyze some of these magic cookies for himself, dammit. Or maybe even ask the god responsible.

Thinking about cookies and the devil … Peter Pan rammed one such item into his mouth (muzzle). He swallowed before the taste could get to him. Magic washed over him, and he felt … light?

„Ladies and gentlemen, it has been a wonderful day with you all. And now for the highlight of the event! I'm sorry, it's not Tony Stark, the famous Iron Man, our gracious host. He had an urgent charity event to attend today from what I hear. Probably something about lonely girls."

Laughter from the journalists.

„It's that time of year, isn't it, when no-one wants to be alone. See now, instead, our special guest: Freya, goddess of beauty! Applause!"

Men stared. Some parents covered their childrens' eyes. Thor stood and looked around expectantly. Loki nodded to him. „Nice dress, Freya."

From naught to sixty in a heartbeat; enraged thundergod coming for them (for Loki), Mjölnir sizzling with electricity. Thunder boomed outside. People srceamed and scattered.

Reindeer Games jumped onto Tony's back and Tony flew, zig-zagging like a blowfly, out through the Mjölnir-shattered roof, across the city, dodging lightning strikes, Conan on his heels.

„He tricked me! He told me it was Midgardian custom to wear such a garment for the occasion, even as a man!"

„Thor? Thor! Calm down. It is. Do you hear me? Our men do wear such robes for such events. You weren't made a spectacle. All's well. Calm down. And let him up, please."

All's well? Except for the repair bill for the mall roof. Maybe the media attention was worth it. Bless Pepper's heart. He wouldn't mind though if they'd leave the Christmas Elf trapped under Conan's hammer a bit longer.

Back in human form inside his tower, Tony Stark stayed hidden. Nobody was to learn he'd been that reindeer, he'd never live it down. Better to stick with the playboy partying excuse and try to make it up to Pepper somehow.

In the living room, the brothers seemed to have reconciled.

„ … leftover joke articles from Halloween, when you guys locked me up in the Hulk cell I know not why. I had planned to celebrate with the Chaos Computer Club ..."

Tony quietly instructed Jarvis to play music other than his own list too from now on for reasonable amounts of time, particularly if Loki requested. Maybe gothic and symphonic rock were tolerable too.

Later in the evening, the two Asgardians sat on the couch by the Christmas tree, drinking glögg.

„Brother, what are we going to do tomorrow?"

„The same we supervillains do every day, Thor: We try to take over the world."

Thor's face of utter horror was the best Christmas present Tony got that year. Maybe the day of inconvenient shapeshifting had been worth it.

A/N: Please forgive any inaccuracies regarding the sports cars you may have noticed. Not my area of expertise.

Happy New Year!