Sanji and the Magic Gyoza
Another boring port town, Sanji thought to himself. This one looks just like all the other ones. No, I take that back. It's even more boring.
Nothing really cool to do. No cute girls to talk to. No special foods to buy for cooking. He puffed on his cigarette, eyeing a cart of bruised-looking apples and oranges. Not even a bar to get drunk in!
"Heh heh hee..." A cackle interrupted his thoughts. He looked up and immediately wished he hadn't, because there before him was THE single most ugly old hag he had ever seen.
"Uh!" he looked away quickly, eyes stinging.
"Hello, there young man," the old lady leered. "Lost your girl or something? You look pathetic."
Sanji tapped the ash off his cigarette and scowled. "Talk about the pot calling the kettle ugly. I mean, black."
"Hoo hoo!" the old crone chuckled. "You've got a wit, there, kid. Wanna buy somethin?"
Sanji glared at the rotting produce. "No, no thanks. I um, usually buy fruit that's still edible."
"Well," the lady began. "the only thing I have that's not fruit, are these. And I can't sell them to you."
She brought out a small plate, upon which there lay five gyoza. The most beautiful gyoza Sanji had ever seen.
"Wow..." he breathed. "Those look pretty good."
"Yep." the old lady nodded.
Sanji bent down for a closer look. "By the looks of this creasing job, which is excellent, I should add, they're done in the South Blue Royal Culinary School style... seven-fold-pinch-cutting-cilantro-gyoza-technique."
The hag bobbed her head knowingly. "Serve 'em up with chili oil and lemon and you've got quite an appetizer." She looked lovingly at the gyoza. So did Sanji.
He pulled out his wallet. "How much you want for those gyoza, granny?"
"Oh, no no no. I can't sell THESE to YOU."
"Why the hell not?" Sanji's eyebrows curled (even more than they already were) in annoyance. Which made them pretty curly.
"Because..." the lady smiled down at the diminuitive appetizers as though they were sleeping babies, "these gyoza are special."
"I can see that!" he said. "That's why I want to buy them." They would make a great present for Nami-san.
"You don't understand, kid," she shooed him away with a gnarled hand. "These gyoza are different."
Sanji rolled his eyes. "And just how might that be?"
"Because," she whispered, leaning forward conspiratorially, "these... are... magic gyoza!"
"Huh?"
"I said, they're magic gyoza!!"
"I heard you," he snapped. "I meant, what do you mean? How are they magic gyoza?"
"One bite of these gyoza..." the old lady breathed. "And all the wishes of your heart will come true!!"
"NO WAY!!!" Sanji's cigarette dropped right out of his gaping mouth. "YOU MEAN ALL I HAVE TO DO IS EAT ONE OF THESE THINGS AND NAMI-SAN WILL THROW HERSELF SHAMELESSLY AT ME?!?!?"
Everyone on the street stopped and stared at him. "Ew... did you hear him?"
"The pervert..."
"I'm not a pervert!" he cried out. "I'm a young man in LOVE!!! I have NEEDS!!!"
"That's not what I said," the lady corrected him. "the way it works isn't for you to eat them. You have to give them to someone else, and then whatever the giver wishes for the person who eats it will come true. The key," she continued, "Is that there are five of them. To make the wish permanent, the person has to eat all five."
"What happens if they don't?" asked Sanji. It was always good to get all the details, before havoc wreaked loose, right?
"Good question," she remarked. "you're a sharp kid."
"Thanks. I like to think so."
"No problem. Where was I?"
"Not eating all five."
"Right. Each one will make your wish last for about a 24-hour period of time. After one eats five of them, then the wish is made permanent."
"Is there anything I can't wish?" Sanji scratched his head.
"I don't know. It has to be in their best interests, I would assume."
"Oh, believe me," Sanji smiled. "It IS in Nami-san's best interests to get in the sack with me."
Passersby frowned. "Yuck! Did you hear what that guy just said?"
Sanji's eyes filled with tears. "You don't understand! If you only SAW this girl, you'd want her to jump your bones too!!!"
"Disgusting!!!"
"Ecchi!" A purse whapped him on the head.
Sanji hung his head. "I'm so misunderstood!"
The old lady stared at Sanji. "Good god, boy, you need some help."
"I KNOW!" he wailed. "Please, please sell me those gyoza!!!"
Sanji made his way back to the ship, carrying a huge box of moldy oranges and apples, and grumbling all the way. The old lady had only agreed to sell the magic gyoza to him-- for an outrageous amount of beli-- only after he bought a bushel of the fruit, which she wasn't selling anyway. So he had wasted his hard-earned money on some stupid old gyoza and rotten fruit.
Stupid town. Stupid fruit. Stupid old lady.
He eyed the gyoza, which stared innocently up at him from their platter.
"You had better work," he growled, threateningly.
In the kitchen, Sanji was hard at work making the most elaborate feast he had prepared in a long time. He had decided to do Chinese food for dinner. That way it would be easy to sneak the gyoza in with no suspicion. And Nami was a very suspicious girl anyway, so he needed all the help he could get.
The only problem was that making Chinese food properly called for such a large amount of chopping, bias-cutting and such. Already done with the green onions, mushrooms, chestnuts, peppers, and broccoli; his arm was growing tired as he sliced he carrots, trying to get that perfect 45-degree angle.
Slice. Slice. Slice.
"Hey, Nancy! Food ready yet?" Zoro barged in, looking hungry.
"OW!" Sanji clutched his sliced thumb. "Damn, that hurt!" He glared daggers... and probably steak knives... at Zoro, who nonchalantly snatched a wonton.
"Ew. Don't get blood in my dinner, dumbass!" Zoro wrinkled his nose.
Sanji felt like whacking him with a frying pan, but had already tried that last week. And it hadn't worked. Zoro's cranium was far too thick for mere iron and teflon to damage. "Go away," he grumbled, looking around for the first aid kit.
"Well, we're all hungry. And you're taking FOREVER with dinner!"
"If you want to eat so bad, why don't you help?"
"Hell, no. I'm busy."
"Doing WHAT?"
"SLEEPING!" Zoro turned to go. "I gotta get back to work now."
Sanji shook his head in frustration as the swordsman left the kitchen. "If only he was more helpful. What a completely USELESS moron."
"Huh?" Luffy strolled in. "Did you call me, Sanji?"
"No..." Sanji paused, bandaging his thumb. "It's okay, Luffy. Hey, there's a snack here for you..."
"OOH!" Luffy spotted the gyoza and reached for one.
"NOOOOO!!" Sanji shouted, grabbing Luffy's hand. "Not those!!"
Luffy looked shocked. "But they look GOOD!"
"Not... not those!" Sanji gave Luffy a wonton. "Here... eat this."
Luffy's pout was heartbreaking. "But I want THOSE."
"I'm sorry," Sanji apologized. "Really, I am. You just can't have those."
Luffy appread to be on the verge of tears. "But... Sanji.... why?" he gasped, his lower lip quivering.
Sanji felt terrible. I wish I could explain to you, pal! But I know you'd give it away. If only you were just a little smarter...
Sanji grabbed a drumstick out of the icebox. "Here! You can have this!"
Like magic, Luffy's eyes lit up at the sight, the forbidden gyoza instantly forgotten. "WAHOOO!!" He snatched the meat and ran outside.
Sanji chuckled a bit as he went back to work. Soon dinner was pretty much done, chicken roasted, veggies chopped, soup simmering... and now, he was done with the fried rice. He was pretty pleased with the job he had done. Everything was just right.
Scooping the rice and vegetables onto a dish, he tried to arrange it so that it looked a little more presentable. With a pair of chopsticks, he placed little pieces of carrot and onion around the edges, with meticulous attention to detail. That, he thought to himself, is truly the hallmark of a great chef.
No sooner was he finished than Usopp stuck his head through the window, screaming at the top of his lungs. "OH MY GOD!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!!!"
Sanji jumped, hitting his head on the frying pans hanging above him with a resounding 'clang'. His carefully arranged fried rice spilled all over the counter and the floor.
"Augh! No!" He spread his hands in disbelief.
Usopp had not finished yelling. "OH MY GOD! OH MY GO------D!"
"What IS it!" Sanji hissed. "WHAT could be SO important that you had to spoil my food for?"
Usopp blinked. "Uh... nothin'. I just smelled fried rice, and it's my favorite. So I was excited."
"Well," Sanji scooped the remainder of the fried rice into the dish again. "That's nice. Now if only you had been QUIETER, you might have had more of it to eat."
Usopp laughed. "Ah-ha-ha... yeah, I guess so."
Sanji shook his head. "Tell the other's dinner's ready. I'm setting the table."
As the other sat down to dinner, Sanji brought his food out to serve.
"Ooh... Chinese food," observed Nami. "Sanji-kun, you've outdone yourself."
"Thank you, my sweet-and-sour sweetness..." he smiled. "And these... are for you." He set the dish of the steaming gyoza before her, like an offering to a goddess.
"Wow...." Nami breathed. "They look delicious!"
Sanji turned, and went back into the kitchen to bring out the main course. He laughed into his hand.
I can't believe it! She is making this SO EASY!!! He could hardly wait to see the results. he straightened his tie and checked his reflection on the back of a hanging frying pan. He pulled some breath spray out of his pocket and gave himself a nice couple of squirts. Lookin' good, Sanji.
He hefted the roast chicken out of the oven and headed out to the table.
Sanji froze with horror at what he saw.
Nami was passing a plate around the table, for once actually sharing something. And lo and behold, the thing she was sharing... was...
...The magic gyoza!!!
Sanji dropped the chicken. "Wait, wait! No, don't eat those!" he grabbed the gyoza in Luffy's hand and tried to pry it away. "Stop!!"
Everyone stared at Sanji. "Sanji?! Are you crazy?"
"They're for NAMI-san!"
"Well, everyone else wanted to try them, too! I didn't want to be stingy!" Nami smiled angelically.
"No! Greedy! You're supposed to be greedy!" Sanji cried, as Luffy's arm stretched along with his pull.
"What!" Nami looked surprised. "Sanji! How mean!"
"You shouldn't talk to her like that, Sanji!" Usopp admonished him. Nami nodded emphatically.
Zoro agreed. "Yeah, that's pretty mean... no matter how true it is."
"GIMME!" Luffy was yelling. "I'm hungry!!" He stretched his hand around Sanji's back and popped the gyoza in his mouth.
"Me too!" Zoro opened his mouth wide.
"ITADAKIMAAAASU!" Zoro, Nami, and Usopp popped their gyoza in their mouths.
Sanji fell to his knees, his jaw dropping, tears flowing down his cheeks to the deck. "I can't believe it!" he whispered. "WHY?!"
His shout echoed high into the sky above the Going Merry. "WHYYYYY?!"
Luffy blinked. "The answer to your query is actually quite simple, my counterpart. You see, the atmospheric pressure in the vicinity of oceanic areas, coupled with the aroma of sodium chloride contained in seawater, can create quite a ravenous appetite in the average adolescent individual."
Everyone gaped at Luffy, who gave a little chuckle.
"While that, of course, does not serve to explain as to why this nubile young lass might see fit to distribute any possession of hers among the commoners! It does go so far as to explain as to why one might have had the desire to consume said pot-sticking appetizers. Ha, ha ha."
Sanji screamed.
Zoro was stunned. "Holy shit!"
Usopp began waving his arms frantically.
Nami looked worried, "What happened! Luffy, did you hit your head?"
Luffy patted his head. "It does not appear that my cranium has been impacted, negative."
Zoro ran over to Luffy. "Here... let me help you." He picked Luffy up. "There, there, captain, you'll be okay in no time! I'll take care of you!"
Sanji screamed again.
"San-ji...." a throaty female voice purred in his ear, "What's wrong, baby?"
Sanji's eyes rolled slowly to the right. Nami stood there, hands on her hips, leaning forward-- just the way girls did on the covers of the anime he wasn't allowed to watch-- and giving him a tantalizing peek down her v-neck shirt.
Sanji's face went completely red, red as a tomato, as she slipped her arms around him and cuddled close.
Zoro looked over at Sanji. "Sanji, you don't look well. Let me help you!"
Sanji waved his hands. "I don't need any help right now, Zoro, thank you!"
"Yes, you do!" Nami cooed, fluttering her eyelashes at him. "You've been working hard today, haven't you San-ji-kun?"
Sanji's face spread into a dumb, droopy smile. "Duh-huh."
"So," she suggested. "Why don't you let old Zoro clean up dinner... and I'll take care of DESSERT."
"Ah-huh..." Sanji gave a stupid laugh. "Yo-kay."
Zoro whizzed around collecting up plates of the food nobody had eaten. "I'll help!"
Usopp grabbed Zoro by the throat. "Usopp!" Zoro greeted him. "I didn't know you were there. What's wrong?"
Usopp gestured to his throat.
"You're sick! You need help! You have to go to the can!" Zoro guessed.
"It would be my assumption," interrupted Luffy, "that our proboscis-enhanced companion here appears to be suffering from an acute form of laryngitis."
"Oh no!!" Zoro shouted. "Usopp! You went to a whorehouse without telling me?"
"On the contrary, my dull-witted friend," Luffy laughed. "laryngitis is not in actuality a venereal disease. It is rather an inflammation of the larynx."
"He has a pet cat?" Zoro looked at Usopp. "I'm allergic to cats."
Luffy clapped Zoro on the back. "No, no no, my good man. The Larynx.
The cartilaginous box-shaped part of the respiratory tact between the root of the tongue and the tip of the trachea. In layman's terms, the voice box."
Usopp clapped his hands, jumping up and down.
"Oh," Zoro said. "Let me help you then. I'll make you some honey-lemon tea. Won't that be nice?" he giggled girlishly. "Tee-hee!"
Sanji had seen quite enough. His head began to whirl, feeling dizzy.
"Oh, San-ji, sweetie," Nami cried. "you're looking anemic! Come let Genki Sweetheart Nurse Nami-chan get you back to health!"
The last thing Sanji remembered before he blacked out was his nose squirting a streak of blood.
When he awoke he found himself in a nice, snuggly warm bed. Ah. I'm having that dream again, he chuckled to himself. Lucky me! He rolled over on his stomach to hug the pillow, sighing happily.
"San-ji-kun!" Nami 's face popped up next to him. "Hi-iii..."
"Hi, Nami-san," he smiled, closing his eyes. "Boy, did I have a weird dream."
"About what?" she gave him a sexy pout.
He let out an annoyed sigh. "Well, Luffy was smart, and Zoro was being all helpful, and Usopp lost his voice! And so I'm glad my brain decided to switch dreams. 'Cause this one is way better. You're always here for me."
"Uh-huh..." she chirped. "Don't worry, Nami-chan is right here for you, darling."
She took Sanji into her arms, cradling his face to her breasts. Sanji's upper lip sagged into a lecherous smile. He stole a little peek...
"AAH!" Sanji jumped back, hitting his head on the wall as he fell backwards.
Nami leaned forward towards him, wearing skimpy black lingerie. "What?" she asked innocently.
Sanji rubbed his head. She'd never had anything like that in his dreams before! It was usually white, or blue, or sometimes even a naughty pink! But... something didn't seem right. He rubbed the bump on his head. That hurt.
Uh-oh.
"This isn't a dream?" he yelped. "Nami-san?"
She slithered towards him. "No... but it's your dream come TRUE."
He pried her fingers off of him and tried to crawl out of bed.
"YAH!" He covered back up real quick. "Where are my CLOTHES!"
"Aw..." she pouted. "What do you need those old things for?"
Sanji spied his clothes over in the corner. "Nami-san, close your eyes for me."
"But, baby... You look so cute in your boxers."
Sanji turned red again. He grabbed for his pants.
"Where are you going?" Nami pawed him, making his ticklish.
Sanji waved his hands. "Um, I'll be right back. Don't worry."
Nami gave him an adoring look, posing seductively. "Don't be long, darling, I'll get chilly."
Sanji's smile was goofy. "Um, okay. Honey." I can't believe I'm getting away with this! He kissed her hand and patted her head. "Be right back."
He turned to go, giving a startled jump as she playfully spanked him on his way out.
"Guys!" Sanji threw the kitchen door open, his face red and his hair mussed.
Usopp waved.
"Salutations, comrade," Luffy grinned.
Zoro turned from the stove, where he stood wearing a pink ruffly apron. "Sanji, I'm so glad you decided to join us. Here, let me help you." He pulled a chair out for Sanji at the table and poured him a cup of tea.
"You appearance is slightly disheveled," Luffy observed, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "Would it be safe to assume that you have been under the... er, ministrations... of the young mistress navigator?"
Zoro's eyes were wide. "Is it that time of the month? Should I make a run to the drugstore?"
Sanji covered his face with his hands.
"I'm afraid, old chum, that as a male, Sanji does not experience monthly cycles." Luffy looked embarrassed. "I merely said..."
Sanji cut Luffy off, deciding it was just simpler this way. "Yes, Zoro. Yes, I am."
"Oh..." Zoro looked sad. "Can I get anything for you? Midol? Tampax?"
Sanji shook his head. Usopp grabbed Sanji by the collar and began wildy making signs.
"Our beaked associate seems to be gesticulating that he suspects that you, Sanji, may know what ill has befallen us." Luffy translated.
"Ew!" cried Zoro, at the word gesticulating. "Don't do that in the kitchen!"
Luffy began to explain, but Sanji covered his mouth. "Don't bother. I'll explain to you guys... how this all happened..."
"...and so that's it." Sanji finished.
"I see. So we consumed said enchanted hors d'oeveurs and therefore were taken under a spell." Luffy rubbed his nose. "But the true question is, how indeed did each of our respective states come about?"
"I had wished." Sanji explained. "During the day. I wished that Zoro would be more helpful."
Zoro refilled Sanji's teacup, and tippytoed over to Usopp's, making his pink apron twirl about him.
"I wished that Luffy were smarter. And I wished that Usopp was quieter." Sanji drank his tea. "And Nami... well I guess that's obvious."
"Indubitably!" Luffy sipped his tea with a slurp, his pinky hooked. "So there seems to be only one remaining query."
"And that is?"
"For what duration of time will these... predicaments of ours continue to take effect?"
Zoro shook a finger. "You watch your language, Luffy."
Sanji, Luffy and Usopp sweatdropped.
Sanji leaned his chin on his hand. "One day. You guys..." he banged his fists on the table. "You gotta PROMISE me you won't tell Nami about this happening!! She'll kill me for sure."
Usopp nodded emphatically, also gesturing to the rest of them.
"I don't think our young lady will kill you," Luffy consoled Sanji.
Sanji sighed, in relief.
"Execution... would be too quick. I suspect that she will seek her vengeance more along the lines of castration." Luffy finished.
Sanji fell over onto the floor, his face white with shock.
Usopp nodded emphatically again, agreeing with Luffy.
Zoro picked Sanji up off of the floor. "Oh, Sanji, are you all right?" He dusted Sanji's behind off, worried.
Luffy sipped his tea sagely. "It seems to me that since your hours in which you have all of your members in place are numbered, there is only one choice of action for you, my good man. Enjoy it whilst the chance exists."
Hours later, Sanji awoke again, on Nami's floor, in his striped boxers. Nami lay next to him, snuggling his arm. She does look really cute in those black lacies, he thought to himself. I don't think I'll see them again, but they'll always be available from now on, in dreamland!
Nami stirred in her sleep and opened one eye. "Sanji-kun?"
"Yes, my darling love-bunny?"
SMASH!
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM, YOU PERVERT!!!"
"Oh, crap!! Wait, wait, I can explain!"
CRASH!!
"AAH! Nami, nonononooooo!!!"
Sanji promptly found himself tied to the sheep's head, in his chonies. Luffy came to check on him. "Yo, Sanji."
Sanji opened one puffy eye, not because he was tired, but because the other was completely swollen shut. "Yo." he croaked, toothless.
"HEY, Sanji," Usopp came by with a tray. "You hungry? Zoro made you a smoothie."
"Smoo-zhie?" Sanji could barely move his lips.
"Ya, he knew you wouldn't be able to chew after that beating. Damn, you look like a pinata after a kid's birthday party."
Sanji's lips grabbed for the straw and he drank, gratefully. The cool feeling felt good on his beaten teeth....
"BLECCCCH!!" Sanji choked, gagging and spitting. "P-too! P-too! AAAACCH! What za hell ISH zhat?"
Zoro stood behind Sanji, grabbing him by the hair. "THAT," he growled into the cook's ear, "THAT is my OWN personal RECIPE. Made from all those rotting apples and oranges in the kitchen!! And I threw in an old sock for that extra flavor!" he yanked Sanji's hair, making Sanji's eyes fill with tears.
Luffy picked his nose. "I added something, too," he grinned.
"If you ever, EVER do ANYTHING to me that makes me wear an apron and act like a pansy again. I'LL SKIN YOU ALIVE AND FEED YOU TO THE SHARKS!!!" Zoro screamed, furious with rage. "YOU GOT THAT?"
"Hai, hai." Sanji croaked.
Usopp chuckled. "Zoro, get in line pal. Nami's already got dibs on that one."
Luffy chuckled idiotically. "Nami's already got dibs on ALL of 'em!"
Usopp patted Sanji's sore and bumpy head. "I sure hope you've learned a lesson from all this, Sanji."
Sanji sighed and looked up to the heavens in supplication. He sure had.
"But I told you already," the old man from the next port town wheedled. "I can't sell these canapes to you, sonny. They're special."
"Why not? What's so special about 'em?"
"Because... they're MAGIC canapes!!"
Sanji whipped out a wad of bills, with a giant smile.
"SOLD!!"
Owari!