So, guess who's back with more crack? Yeah, that's me. And I haven't much to say, just that I will change Naruto's plot so much you won't even recognize bits of it. Also, someday I'll start working on the harem-y feeling in this story. Someday.

And now, to answer the anons:

angel: Treat Gaara as his cuddly teddy bear? Nu-uh, Harry is a serious shinobi right now. (Just kidding, he'd hug the hell out of him)

rubyblue100: Thanks!

fellow: You are AWESOME!

Pyrokitty: Well, here's the new chapter, yay! (I know, it took me a long while...) And Kaeru will be updated soon too. In fact, I've written the update schedule on my author page so just check it out.

Tenshi Oujo-sama: Yeah, Ibiki wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed when he decided to put Anko in Harry's team.

Guest: Thanks, glad to have brightened your day!

Guest: Aww, thank you, though there are really great crossover out there too. But really, thanks!

wolfyhound28: Ow, I'm sorry about that, sounds like it hurt. But here's next chapter!

Mirage: Harry has the best mother nature and this is why so many people fear him. He can go batshit crazy whenever someone hurts his children after all. And don't worry, he'll make some friends! (Like Kisame, they're totally besties)

Tiffany: Do not fret because I'm back with more craziness!

Guest: Lucky you, here's another part of heaven then.

And now, I'll let you read this. Have fun reading whatever this could be.

Standing in the shadows, Morino Ibiki felt a sardonic cackle rumble in his chest as he watched the genin squad leave the village. While it was true that the T&I leader had been their instructor, Ibiki didn't feel any affection towards those little hellions (maybe a bit for the Uchiha heir but it was an Uchiha, they were mad enough as it was) and watching them leave provoked such a good feeling that the man considered becoming a judge for the next Chuunin test in Konoha, just to see other children crying as he denied their dreams.

Yes, Ibiki had been that traumatized by his genin team.

But it wasn't his problem anymore. Those hell's spawns weren't his to care for and Ibiki was even giddy to hear of their new mischief in Suna.

Remembering what had happened in Kusagakure, the adult shuddered and softly caressed his bald head. That pink Mohawk had been impossible to dye and he had ended shaving his whole head to make it disappear.

Who knows, maybe Haruichi would make someone suffer the same condition in the Chuunin exams. Ibiki was almost impatient to hear of that rogue ninja's new pranks.

⊂((・x・))⊃

Harry sighed heavily and rubbed his neck, wincing when he felt his bark-like skin crumble under his fingers. This was his third day in the desert and the former wizard was already wishing he had never gone to such a god forsaken place. Seriously, there was only sand and deadly scorpions around! Where was the water?! The vegetation?!

He felt like dying. And maybe was he actually dying, hell if he knew with that strange body of his.

The plant like boy sighed another time and slipped on the shifting sands, swearing loudly while he tried to keep walking. But he ended losing his footing and only his grip on one of the Uchiha's scarves saved him from his impending doom of ridiculing himself. The Uchiha (the one with the strange tear marks on his face) gave a really cute yelp as they both fell, and Harry couldn't help but grin at the adorable sound. Of course, the plant like boy quickly regretted it since the bark of his lips creaked open and sap began to run freely over his chin.

Sap that Harry couldn't lose since he was in the middle of the desert and that he had finished what was left of his water at the first hour in that blasted desert.

"Argh," Harry gurgled as he stopped moving, his head falling over the Uchiha with the strange tears marks' chest. "I can't go on like this, you'll have to leave me behind!"

The Uchiha whose chest Harry had chosen as his resting place merely blinked and glanced at Shisui. The latter shrugged and the Uchiha heir sighed.

"Very well," he accorded while pursing his lips lightly.

"Eh?" Harry blinked in surprise when he was suddenly pushed and sent rolling in the sand.

"It is sad that we have to leave you behind but if that is your wish," the Uchiha added with a stern nod, "we will go."

"What?"

"You heard him," cackled Shisui just as the two Uchiha began to leave. "You asked for it..."

"Wait, what?" Harry exclaimed with a shocked face. "Are you really going to leave your teammate behind? What would Scarface think of you if you came back without me?"

"I do believe he'd be proud," Shisui retorted with a wide grin. The other Uchiha nodded, a pensive frown on par before the older one continued breaking what little hope the bark skinned boy had left. "And that he'd pay us for it too!"

"You're evil," the latter said with a sniffle. he couldn't even muster enough strength to taunt or insult them since he was really running low on energy. "A really evil Uchiha. I shouldn't even be surprised by this..."

"Poor Haruichi," Shisui commented with a fake pitying face. "He's falling into madness. Maybe we should end his suffering..."

"Enough," the other Uchiha sternly said with a tired sigh. "Let's get moving or we'll never get to the oasis before sundown..."

That was enough the break through Harry's self-pity party and the plantlike boy suddenly perked from his spot on the boiling sand. In fact, the sand had already begun swallowing him and only part of the top of his head could be seen.

"Did you say oasis?" he asked with sparkly eyes.

Uchiha Itachi raised a brow and looked back at the boy. The latter was still hidden under the sand and only his dark hair and green eyes could be seen. However, from what little the Uchiha could see of his teammate, the teenager knew that the kid wasn't pretending to be dying anymore.

"As in, water oasis?" Harry added, his head slowly rising from the sand like some kind of monster.

Itachi took unconsciously a step back and Shisui did the same, his grin having vanished into nothingness when he had noticed that their teammate had stopped kidding around and was now back on being his usual terror.

"Where is it situated?" the boy asked with a stronger voice than the dying one he'd used before.

Itachi merely raised a finger and pointed it to the south, his dark eyes looking at Harry without letting his thoughts shine through.

"We'll wait for you until dawn," the Uchiha finally said, his tone inflexible.

"More like I'll wait for you until dawn," Harry muttered before sinking in the sand once again. He ignored the two Uchiha's glares and let the darkness surround him.

And just like that, surrounded by sand and with little to no air around him, Harry finally let the curse (or rather, the genjutsu like his mummy and everyone else in this universe called it) fall. His body shimmered a bit before it shrank to his four years old size and the plant boy sighed. However, he soon found out that sighing whenever one was under a ton of sand wasn't really the best idea ever since he got a mouthful of sand.

"Well, let's get going," Harry whispered as he tried to spit the sand but ended getting a bigger mouthful of it.

And just like that, the boy shed all humanoid appearance and started to dig his way into the depths of the desert. He headed south without any problems, sometimes stumbling into a snake's den but always avoiding any threat or bite. But he arrived to the oasis without any real trouble and quickly settled there, making sure that some of his limbs weren't straying too far from the water, the blessed and oh so needed water, before he actually looked around him.

The oasis wasn't like he had thought it would be. There weren't any palm tree, nor were there any pool with lovely women and men swimming around. In fact, there was nothing except sand, a well and a little barrack almost hidden under the sand.

Harry emerged out of the sand at mere inches from the well and stayed there, his back against the rocks and some roots making their way under the sand until they found the water. The plant boy sighed heavily in relief when he finally drank enough to revitalize himself and slowly placed another illusion around himself so he would look once again like that ninja from the onsen place. Then, just as his body shimmered and changed into his habitual (at least, for the Konoha nins) appearance, Harry heard the sand shuffle and the distinctly noticeable ninja steps (they used chakra to avoid sinking in all that sand and it made quite a peculiar sound for anyone who could listen) approach.

'Sweet,' Harry thought happily as he glanced at the approaching ninjas. 'I'll some company while waiting for the Uchiha!'

He couldn't wait to talk to them and exchange funny stories.

⊂((・x・))⊃

When Itachi and Shisui finally got to the oasis, the two teenagers felt dirty, tired and above everything else, parched. They had finished their canteen hours ago (in fact, Harry had drunk everything from their canteen hours before they had parted ways and the two Uchiha were already considering revenge) and had had to walk under the scorching sun without any mean of drinking.

So it was more than understandable that their mood wasn't the brightest thing ever. Mostly because they were Uchiha and Uchiha didn't do the whole smile as bright as the sun thing. (Well, they did do it. But generally, it was when they were sure as hell that no one except their family could see them) Thus, as they finally got to the oasis, they weren't really impressed by the heap of dead bodies. In fact, Itachi merely glanced at the still twitching limbs and pinched his nose with an aggravated sigh.

"Haruichi," he called with an almost annoyed voice (because the Uchiha heir made his point to never outright show his real emotions).

"Did someone say my name?" Harry's head emerged from the sand, right in between Itachi's legs and he grinned at the Uchiha, his green eyes flashing in mirth when he caught the annoyed twitch in the teenager's eyebrows.

"So, what happened?" Shisui asked while he walked toward the well and glanced appreciatively at the heap of bodies.

From what he could see, there had been two teams of Kumo nins there. And they had soon met their end thanks to Harry's loving care. The oldest Uchiha shuddered as he remembered what had happened back in Konoha when they had been forced under Danzo's tutelage. Their weird teammate wasn't to be trifled with.

"I don't know why," Harry answered him with a small shrug, "but they suddenly appeared and became to boss me around, saying that they were better than a Konoha runt and then added something about how the well was now theirs..."

Itachi frowned. His eyes flickered briefly to the unmoving bodies and he quickly assessed their origins and ages. Eight bodies, two adults and the rest being young people, ranging from their early teens to the beginning of adulthood. From what he could see of the almost destroyed kitai-hite, they were from Kumo. The young Uchiha sighed, (once again and it wouldn't be the last time too since he was teamed with the fearsome Mori no Haruichi) and glanced at the well where Shisui was currently drawing out water to fill up their canteens.

This was abnormal, those Kumo nins should have been aware that the well and what surrounded it were a no-man's land and that no one was supposed to attack there. Or even poison the water. Not when they were in the middle of the desert and there were the Chuunin exams waiting for them in the Sunagakure. It just didn't make any sense.

"Are you sure about that?" Shisui asked just as he threw a canteen to Itachi's face. His cousin caught him with a small nod of thanks and began to drink the cold water. "It doesn't make any sense, every ninja knows that the wells are no-combat allowed zones..."

"Well," Harry drawled with a wide shit-eating grin. "It could be that I taunted them and asked them to solve my riddles if they wanted to drink any water..."

Itachi blinked and felt a cold shiver run over his back. Meanwhile, Shisui gulped loudly and gawked at their teammate.

"What?" the latter retorted while he scratched something that looked eerily like a bud over his forehead. "I was bored and you were taking your sweet time to come here!"

Itachi didn't comment on that, his dark eyes still gazing fixedly at the unmoving Kumo nins while Shisui was clenching and unclenching his fists. The oldest Uchiha was having some difficulty to reign on his rising temper. And Harry's shit-eating grin wasn't helping at all.

"Also, it's not like they're dead, you know," the green eyed boy shrugged and glanced at his nails. His brows furrowed as he noticed that his nails were made of bark and he grumbled under his breath. Seems like he wouldn't be able to maintain a good illusion over his skin during the whole travel in the desert. "They are just sleeping!"

"They sure don't look like it," Itachi deadpanned.

"Nah, they're sleeping," Harry retorted just as one of the Kumo nins wailed in pain.

"If you say so," Shisui commented while he watched the ninja try to crawl away from his teammate and cry about a plant demon.

"Yeah," the said demon nodded with a satisfied nod. "They're sleeping."

The crawling Kumo nin squeaked in horror when a root suddenly came out of the sand and wrapped itself around the poor ninja's ankle before sending him flying to his teammates' side.

"Not again!" the Kumo nin sobbed while roots surrounded him and forced him to stay put among his unconscious teammates.

"See?" Harry cocked his head and nodded once again. "They're just sleeping."

The Kumo nin sobbed harder.

"I see," Itachi acquiesced and decided to focus on something else than the grown man sobbing like a child in the sand. "Let's set camp and eat."

⊂((・x・))⊃

Sunagakure was a fairly calm place. There weren't many things happening there, not since the end of the Third Shinobi War and as such, commerce was slowly dwindling, shinobis were flocking there less and less and, above everything else, the climate wasn't that welcoming so most travelers tended to stay in their hotels and avoid walking in the streets.

Well, most civilians travelers did. As for the shinobi, they used to walk in the shadows and complain about the weather once they were sure that no one could hear them. That is, no one except the Kazekage.
There were rumors that the Kazekage could hear everything in his Hidden Village, from a hairpin drop to some hushed whispers in a tavern. Of course, some of those rumors were just exaggerated tales because why would such an important man care about a hairpin dropping from a little girl's hand when he had to worry about paperwork and some unknown menace that had already taken out the Swordmen of the Mist? Without forgetting that he still had to find a way to stop Akasuna no Sasori before his bad reputation ended damaging Suna's dying commerce even more.

However, some of those rumors were true. The Kazekage was indeed able to listen to pretty much everything in his village but it was all thanks to his golden sand. Those tiny specks of gold were everywhere in Suna and thanks to them, the Kage could hear and notice every disturbance in his village.

And that was actually happened when Konoha's third genin team arrived to Suna.

When that ragtag team, composed of two stern looking Uchiha and one eerily smiling boy, passed through the main door of the Hidden Village, the Kazekage felt his golden sand rumble and vaguely heard a faraway cry soon followed by an impending feeling of doom and a lot of shrilly screams and sobbing shrieks.

And just like that, the Chuunin exams began.

⊂((・x・))⊃

"Okay, first of all," Harry began as he raised his hand in placating fashion. "I'd like to apologize."

Itachi sniffed from his spot and the plantlike boy ignored the heavy disbelief coming from his own teammates. That was just rude of them, it's not like he didn't apologize often! Come on, he did apologize to that man at the gates for stomping on his foot (and almost ripping it off but that didn't matter right now).

Meanwhile, the two Kumo shinobis merely glared harder at them and Harry shrugged.
Well, he had tried to apologize. Now, that he had tried to nicest way possible, the only way left was the bad one.

"What for?!" one of the Kumo shinobis barked. "You were the ones who took out P's teams!"

"Yeah, such a pee-ty, how about we all forget about that?" Harry proposed with his brightest smile while Shisui repeated in a choked giggle the Kumo team's name. "It's not like they are dead, you know?"

"You left them for dead," the Kumo shinobi retorted harshly.

It was a teenager girl and she wore the regular mesh shirt under a dark robe. Not that it really mattered to Harry's eyes since he didn't like to ogle women. But that simple glance at her clothes was enough to confirm his suspicions, she was the one specialized in weapons and hid quite a bunch of kunai under her black robe. He wondered how she didn't sink in the sand with all that dead weight.

"Correction," Shisui said while he stepped toward Harry and put a hand on the boy's shoulder. Probably to remind him that they weren't here to wreck havoc like in their last mission. "We just left them sleeping, near a well and with their weapons near them. They weren't dead."

"Then why aren't they here now!" the kunoichi insisted, her voice was slowly rising to a screech and Harry winced at the shrill sound.

He had never like shrilly sounds, they reminded him of Voldemort and his screeches whenever Harry won against him.

"Maybe they got delayed by something," the boy quipped in with another shrug. Thinking of Snakey-Face always made him feel weird. "There are quite a lot of weird things in the desert, you know?"

The Kumo kunoichi pursed her lips and glared another time at the Konoha team before she turned around and stormed to the exit of Sunagakure.

"Well, that went better than I expected," Harry commented as he watched her leave.

"You and me both," Shisui sighed and he leaned against the wall and shook his head. "I didn't want to see another Danzo-problem..."

"Come on," the plantlike boy snorted before he rolled his eyes. "I've more style than that!"

Itachi raised a brow in disbelief and just folded his arms over his chest. Harry glanced at him and groaned.

"Okay," he mumbled as he raised his hands to the sky. "I'll admit it, I thought of doing it again but I didn't see any cliff..."

"That's what I thought," Shisui shook his head and ruffled Harry's hair before he pushed him softly. "Let's get to our hotel room and prepare for the exam. It's already begun, you know?"

"Aw," Harry complained. "And here I thought I could walk around and do some sightseeing in the city!"

The two Uchiha glanced at each other and raised their brows, they began to talk to each other silently, trying to see whether keeping their dangerous teammate around them would be better or not. While it was true that keeping Harry with them would reduce any risk of seeing yet another person loose themselves to madness and avoid any destruction in Suna (while Harry didn't use a lot of jutsu, he was still the one ninja who left the biggest casualties on his wake in the whole Konoha), they weren't that keen of spending another night next to someone who gritted their teeth when they were sleeping. Or that Harry liked to poke them awake with a shuriken to their faces.
It was in fact the mere memory of waking another time to the sight of Harry trying to poke their eyes out with a shuriken that made them decide.

"Oh, you can go sightseeing," Shisui said with a wide (and relieved) smile. "Go wild!"

"And you could also do some researches as to where they will do the exams too," Itachi added with a pensive frown.

"Will do!" Harry exclaimed happily as he jumped in the nearest roof and began to run with a happy scream.

Some civilians were startled by his scream and began to run away when they noticed the weird plants creeping over the walls and slithering in the streets.

"Let's go," Itachi said while he did his best to make some distance between them and their teammate.

Shisui nodded silently and his dark eyes briefly flickered to the faraway silhouette of the green eyed boy. However, once Itachi jumped on a roof, the oldest Uchiha finally let the stream of giggles escape and began to hit softly the nearest wall.

"P..." he gasped in the midst of his attack of giggles. "That guy was named P!"

It turned out that Shisui had the worst sense of humor in the whole Uchiha compound and that spending quite a lot of time around Harry had finally made it shine through the heavy layers of proper Uchiha behavior.

⊂((・x・))⊃

Turns out that leaving Harry all alone in a Hidden Village was like asking for trouble.
Or rather, for watching the Village's jinchūriki wreck havoc in the said village for the twentieth time of the month.

The said jinchūriki was currently sitting on top of the highest building (not that it was so tall though since Suna buildings were like domes and not as tall as Konoha's trees), his tiny feet softly hitting the hard rocks of the wall. Without forgetting the heavy and rumbling sand tornado torturing a grown man in front of him.

Harry whistled in admiration when he noticed that the adult wasn't dead yet and that the sand was heavy and compact enough to impede the shinobi from escaping yet it let the adult squeal like a pig whenever the sand tightened its hold. Also, the thick waves of magi- no, bijuu chakra were a nice treat. The plantlike boy could already feel his body grow like a starved plant and he hummed happily when he finally got back to his teen body.

The jinchūriki tensed at the sudden noise and his sand suddenly leaped toward Harry, making the latter squeak in surprise and jump from his post on the wall. However, being in midair as he was now, the former wizard was a really easy target and he braced himself when he saw the tendrils of sand surround him and begin to tighten. Harry froze in the sandy embrace and blinked in surprise when he felt the bijuu chakra permeating the whole sand.

"Nice," he grinned through the heavy tornado of sand and the backlash of chakra that just flowed around him and fed his parched body. "Really nice!"

The jinchūriki frowned and approached him, tiny feet padding softly on the floating sand while his sea-foam colored eyes never left the foreign shinobi's face. The latter was grinning at him, sparkly emerald green eyes looking at him with happiness and some mirth. Also, the shinobi wasn't fighting against his sand and yet, he was winning their fight.

"Who are you," the jinchūriki ordered. His almost dead voice hovered insistingly around Harry and the dark haired boy grinned even more at the kid.

The way those sea-foam eyes were assessing him and staying alert reminded way too much of himself. Well, of the himself before Mummy that is. Eh, that had been centuries ago, now that he thought about it.

The sand around his neck suddenly released him and Harry cackled happily when he finally felt air go through his lungs again. He didn't really need it, thanks to being a somewhat humanoid plant, but it was always nice to breathe like when he was human.

"I'm Harry," the ageless boy answered with a bright smile. "And you, my dear child, are my new son!"

The jinchūriki blinked and slowly raised a hand. He clenched it into a fist and the sand did the same thing around Harry. The kid with the dead sea-foam eyes looked with disgust at the bloody remains of the named Harry and sniffed softly. It was getting cold so he needed to heed home.

Meanwhile, the faint remains of the crazy plant-boy began to creep on the sand and slowly joined until they made a small bundle of roots and moving vines.
When the sun rose in the sky, Harry was back to his prime and had a feral smirk over his face.

"If that's how you want to play," he whispered darkly before vanished into a swirl of sand, leaves and crazed cackles.

⊂((・x・))⊃

By the time the second test of the Chuunin exams began, Itachi and Shisui had already planned to keep moving without Harry since the boy had never come back to their hotel room. Even if they knew that it would have been hard to find their room in the middle of nowhere, the two Uchiha were quite sure that the boy would be able to do it. Therefore, they had the inkling that someone dire and maybe live-threatening had happened to him.
Thus, they announced to the judge that their teammate wasn't probably going to make it to the exam and calmly headed to the arena where the rest of the genins participating where waiting.

Alas for Itachi's growing ulcer, Harry did come back, and with a wide smile on par. The two Uchiha, accustomed to such face, immediately tensed and glanced around them, trying to see what or (heavens forbid) who had had the displeasure and bad luck to attract such unwanted loving care. The last one had been Ibiki and the poor man was already considering leaving the Torture and Interrogations corps to become a farmer faraway from Konoha... So they could only fear what horrors Harry'd inflict to his new pet.

"Haruichi," Itachi saluted coolly when the boy suddenly flickered to their sides.

The rest of the genins looked with jealousy and suspicion at the weird team. While the two Uchiha wore their distinctive crest over their back, Harry was a clanless genin and had already shown terrifying techniques over that Kumo team. The words had probably traveled far in the sole night they had spent in Suna so Itachi presumed already that they had become the number one team to fear in the whole exam. The Uchiha heir sighed and prepared himself for a whole period keeping his guard up and deflecting any KI or kunai thrown his way. Furthermore if Haruichi was by their sides and continued trying to poke their eyes during their sleep.
Something that intrigued Itachi since the boy had never shown any wish to obtain the Sharingan and yet he always went for the eyes during their mock-fight. And whenever one of the Uchiha confronted him over that fact, the boy would merely shrug it off and say that they reminded him of his Mummy and that he didn't like it one bit.

Could it be that Haruichi was an Uchiha? Or a bastardized version of one?

"Weasely," the green eyed boy greeted back before he jumped so he could put his arms around Shisui and Itachi's necks. "Come on, it's starting!"

The two Uchiha sighed heavily and soldiered on. The Chuunin exams were going to officially begin and they didn't want to look scared or weak when they were surrounded by probable enemies.

⊂((・x・))⊃

"Come on!" Hidan pressed on as he began to run, his feet slipping over the scorching sand.

Sasori merely rolled his eyes and forced his puppets to climb over Suna's defensing walls. He absentmindedly used some chakra threads to make sure the undying child followed him during his climb, and licked his lips pensively. He could already feel that weird living puppet.

But the puppeteer didn't appreciate a bit the irony of the situation. The living puppet he'd longed so much to see had been all this time in his hated village.

They jumped from the defensing wall and landed in the middle of the main street, their feet creating small craters under the heavy and sudden weigh. However, their arrival went unnoticed and Sasori frowned when saw that no one was around.

"Uh?" Hidan exclaimed with a perplexed face. "Where is he?"

Sasori looked attentively around and almost smiled when he noticed what he'd been searching.

"Chuunin exams," he breathed out with satisfaction. "This will make it even easier..."

"Whatever," the blond shrugged and began to run in the empty street, his eyes fixed to the main arena. "I can feel him! Let's go!"

⊂((・x・))⊃

The first test was some kind of treasure hunt. Except with living people. Who didn't want to be hunted and captured. Whatever, it sounded fun and Harry was almost bouncing on the spot when the judges announced that there would be some hidden traps and that some of them wouldn't get out of this test alive.

Harry's eyes sparkled at the hidden threat and his grin widened even more while the two Uchiha sighed heavily. Now that Ibiki wasn't here to curb a bit Harry's bloodlust, Shisui wasn't feeling that keen to follow the boy in his adventures.
Unless there was some okonomiyaki at the end of them, that is.

One of the judges approached them with the paper containing their future prey. The judge's eyes glanced deprecatingly at Harry's bouncy self and then back at the two stern-looking Uchiha, the adult probably thought that they were the real power in the team and that Harry had just gotten lucky to get saddled with them. Shisui almost wanted to snort at that.

"Here it is," the Suna chuunin told them while he gave the paper to Itachi and sneered at Harry's bright grin. "The test begins once you hear the bell ring. You'll have to sundown to find your treasure and get it to the arena. Is that clear?"

"Crystal clear, my good man," Harry answered while he winked at the adult. The latter sneered and left without a glance back. That reaction only made the green eyed boy smile even more. "Merlin," he whispered gleefully, "I'll have so much fun breaking him!"

Shisui shuddered and decided that he had never heard that. Meanwhile, Itachi decided wisely to do the same thing. After hanging so much around Harry, he'd soon learned that having a selective memory was the best choice if he didn't want to end like Itachi and Danzo.

"So," Shisui cleared his throat and glanced at his cousin. "What's our prey?"

Itachi merely opened the paper and furrowed his brows when he read the unique word written in cursive in the pricey paper. He had never seen such a writing before and cursed himself for having forgotten that the Hidden Village of the Sand used to write and read in a whole other system than theirs eons ago, way before the first Shinobi War.

"I don'-" he reluctantly began before Harry's hand suddenly snatched the paper and the boy peered over it with curiosity.

"Oh, how nostalgic," Harry gushed while he rubbed one of his eyes with his free hand. "It seems like ages since I last saw this kind of writing! Let's see... 'Bijoux'? What the hell kind of name is that? Who even names their kid Bijoux?"

"Bijuu?" Shisui repeated with a chocked face.

"Bijuu," Itachi breathed out and closed his eyes.

This confirmed his suspicion, they were out to kill them. Or were going to do everything to make them fail the Chuunin tests.

⊂((・x・))⊃

It took them three hours before deciding to continue taking the exams. Mostly because Itachi didn't seem to understand that Harry wasn't the least bit scared of bijuu because he ate them for breakfast. The Uchiha seemed instead to be convinced that Harry was an idiot who underestimated the bijuu's strength.

Come on, from the three of them, Harry was the best to know how murderous the Suna jinchūriki was and how deathly his sand could be. However, he was also the one out of the three of them with the best chances to survive another encounter with the boy.

Therefore, it was with a lot of arguing, and a Shisui with a nervous laughter (the teenager always laughed whenever he was nervous), that the Konoha team finally began to move. Harry soon took the head of their team, mostly because he could sense the bijuu chakra and knew where the kid with the dead sea-foam eyes lurked. Thus, they didn't have to play some game of hunting goose and just ran over the roofs before they stopped at the same high building where Harry had found the kid last night.

The jinchūriki glanced at them with a small frown and Harry almost broke his facade of ruthless shinobi (not that he was one though, it was just fun to play pretend) when he saw those tanuki-like eyes turn and widen when the boy noticed him.

"Hiya, son!" Harry greeted the jinchūriki happily while the two Uchiha exchanged surprised and horrified looks. Probably because they were in awe by his parental skills, the former wizard mused. "I've come to kidnap you!"

That didn't seem to please the kid because three hands made of sand suddenly surged from the ground and jumped to seize the three Konoha shinobis. However, the Uchiha were fast. And Harry just didn't care since the jinchūriki's chakra couldn't really hurt him.

"That was really rude of you, son!" Harry commented lightly while the hand made of sand clenched his body until his ribs cracked. Sap began to run and got swallowed by the sand, making the plant-boy smile when he felt it feed from the kid's chakra. "You shouldn't attack people when they are talking to you!"

"Why aren't you dying?" the kid retorted coldly. His sea-foam eyes were narrowed angrily and the sand slashed around him, attacking relentlessly the former wizard. "And why is Mother so scared of you!"

"Because I made a pact with Death," the plantlike boy answered lightly with a small shrug. The sand tightened its hold until it crushed his lungs and Harry hacked harshly before he giggled. "Aww, it's like with Zetsu! You really go for the kill, son, I'm so proud of you! You're like your father!"

"What's with him and adopting jinchūriki?" Harry faintly heard Shisui ask Itachi.

The Uchiha heir shrugged and then glanced around them. They were all alone in the farthest outskirt of Suna, nobody would ever come to help them if the jinchūriki were to kill them.

"I will kill you," the kid said in the meantime, forcing everyone to focus on him once again. "And then, I'll feed your blood to Mother."

"Yeah, I don't believe you'll do so," Harry wrinkled his nose and shook his head. He could already tell that everything under his neck had been crushed to smithereens. Luckily for his teammates, they weren't able to see through the heavy chakra coated sand and thanks to that, his absurdly fast healing wouldn't be noticed. "Also, I really need to have a long talk with your Mother about killing people. You should never do it when you're wearing white, son. Come on, it's like asking for it to get dirtied!"

The jinchūriki blinked and the sand coffin slowly released Harry, making the boy gasp a bit because thanks to that, he had to quicken his healing so the Uchiha wouldn't notice it. And also because he'd believed that the kid (his son, now, fruit of his loins! Or not) would never let him go, never let him down, never desert him... And he really needed to get some sleep.

"You want to talk with Mother?" the kid asked him with a way livelier voice than before.

"Of course," Harry replied with a wide grin. "I need to thank such a beautiful woman to give birth to my incredibly handsome son!"

"Isn't he laying it too thick?" Shisui asked Itachi in a hushed voice. The other Uchiha just shushed him and held his breath, waiting to see how their teammate would get out of this without killing himself.
Or themselves.
In fact, without killing anyone.

"Do you want to see Her?" the jinchūriki asked almost meekly and Harry just nodded excitedly.

But that was asking too much when one was around Harry.

The sand rumbled and began to pile itself over the jinchūriki, slowly creating an enormous being while a dark miasma seeped all over the place. The two Uchiha blanched in horror and slowly took a step back when they noticed that their teammate, Mori no Haruichi, the most dangerous being in Konoha and most feared genin in Suna right now, began to clap happily while the jinchūriki slowly morphed into a bijuu.

"Wow," Harry exclaimed happily while his teammates began to panic. "She's quite the beauty!"

That was it. Harry was nuts.

"Aww, you have her eyes!"

Itachi closed his eyes and began to pray.

⊂((・x・))⊃

By the time the sun went down the horizon, the Kazekage was nearing an apoplexy. Mostly because his son had suddenly gone berserk on some Konoha nins and then shifted back without causing any casualty (not that the father complained, of course). And then, as if it hadn't been enough to cause such an incredible panic in the whole village that had disrupted the whole test and made many of the visiting genins faint in their vomit, Gaara had decided to tag along the Konoha nins and had guided them through the carefully planned maze of empty and booby-trapped streets before leading them to their goal, one cat named Bijoux.

Therefore, the Konoha team was the only one who passed the first test. And as such, the only ones who got their Chuunin vests.

Also, they went into history since they were the first team ever to get their chuunin grade in the first day of testing (the Bloody Demon of the Mist didn't count since he killed all his teammates) and got ascended to a tokebetsu-jonin grade thanks to their brilliant thinking when they had to deal with the Suna jinchūriki.

And it was just like that that Harry got his tokubetsu-jonin rise and scared shitless a generation.

⊂((・x・))⊃

"Well, that went fast," the boy commented as they walked to the exit.

They had left the Kazekage sobbing in relief in his office and the two Uchiha were glancing weirdly at him again. Why did they always do that whenever he did something brilliant?

Could it be that his incredible charm was affecting them? Harry wrinkled his nose and shook his head, he really didn't want to picture one of the stern Uchiha declare their undying flame to him. It was just weird.

⊂((・x・))⊃

Meanwhile, a familiar looking boy with amethyst eyes cursed loudly when he noticed that his idol had once again escaped before he had been able to see him. His silent companion merely sighed in disgust and wondered over their next destination.

Sasori's eyes suddenly strayed over a familiar heap of red hair and he widened them when he realized that it was indeed the Kazekage's son. And that the latter was waddling silently in the shadows and heading to the main exit of Suna.

Oh dear, this promised to be interesting...

And just like that, the puppeteer forced Hidan to shut up and began to follow silently the redhead and resident jinchūriki. Maybe the kid would be able to use the bijuu's incredible nose to scent which way that living puppet had gone...

By the next chapter, we'll finally get some meeting between Hidan and his idol. Finally. Also, Naruto is a jealous little shit. And Fugaku regrets everything.

PS: I wrote everything while listening to "I'm so Gay" by J. Pee. What's your favorite crack music?