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nicely done, but I can't help thinking Harry did not fully utilise being the MoD. When Hermione was kidnapped (or at least after she was released), he should have simply asked death to collect Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, etc. I would have collected Ron also - never did like him much - but I can see you're squeamish about that even at the end. I guess they forgot the lessons learned from Wormtail (and Ron was worse, he was directly the bad guy, not just latched onto someone bad).

The life-eaters are a deus ex machina, since there is not even a hint of WHO managed to create them (surely not RON!).

The whole Hermione kidnapping was confusing. Since *they* harmed George, tying her release to George's well being was utterly meaningless.

First, I'll say congrats on finishing your first fictional story - people don't get how hard that is to start and finish something. And it had some interesting plot points and moments, specifically the Life Eaters was a pretty cool new idea.

But the largest flaw in this story actually has to do with tone. It was very odd that even though horrific, terrible things were happening to and around Harry and Hermione, the dialogue would frequently and swiftly change to light and jokey, as if everything was peachy keen. If their best friend is torturing and killing people and taking control of the government, Harry and Hermione wouldn't just put that out of their minds to have fun kinky sex all night and giggle over nothing. It was really jarring and felt disingenuous; it took me out of the story to try to figure out why they were acting so self absorbed.

Just a little piece of advice that goes for all writing; you have to keep the tone! I hope you take this criticism as constructive, because that's the aim.

I really liked it! It waas creative and interesting, the incorporation of Death/Dumbledore was fantastic. It was really nicely written too!

You have an odd disconnect between how Harry and Hermione are able to just slaughter dozens of masked, unnamed baddies and yet pull punches to an extreme with regards to Ron (and even Goyle when he's incapacitated) who is the one instigating the whole thing. I'm not really convinced it is in character for either of them to be able to just kill scores of people like that, especially not without any real sort of introspection or reflection about it.

There were a lot of instances where you just seemed to have a character change their mind about something and say, "That was then, this is now." Most likely because you had a new plot idea and decided to just step out of the corner you'd painted yourself into. The talk with Dumbledore and Snape's portraits about Harry collecting the Hallows and when Death is telling Harry he is 'ready' to practice wandless magic now because he's a few months older and what was true then is no longer true. While it can be difficult to do while posting a serial chapter by chapter the solution for this is rather simple once the piece is complete, you just go back and edit out the contradictions or craft and insert good explanations for them. For best results have someone else do it for you.

You had what seemed like a decent start of intrigue in the plot but it mostly ended up being false threads and rang out a little hollow at the end. You don't just want to have people's motives questioned then have them gain full confidence and everything turns out perfectly with that confidence never being shaken. They have a smart enemy working against them, surely he could have done something to, at least temporarily, convince them that Ginny was a planted infiltration agent once she had their confidence. I thought for sure she was going to do something while she was left alone to do the setting up of the dance floor and after party for the wedding with how hard she was pushing to have the opportunity to be unsupervised there.

The whole tattoo subtheme was cool but felt rather dramatically under-explained. Basically we are told that Death gives them some runesets that will produce certain incredible effects and they will work for anyone so don't go lounging about any topless beaches. The whole thing could use a lot more fleshing out. Are these designs something wizards came up with? If so; were they lost to time or why doesn't everyone use them? Are they special knowledge granted only to the Master of Death and only upon specific request?

No offense, I can't really feel bad for Ron. He CHOOSE this direction, (or you as the author did for them) but the memories that you had Ron show didn't really do anything for me. Sure Ron was the youngest son, and probably was not shown the same level of attention that the others were. But look at what Harry had to go through, he was abandoned by Dumbledore at the home of magical-hating relatives and abused in some way for over ten years, then thrust into a world where he was supposed to be this superhero. Harry had no one growing up to comfort him, no one to turn to when things were bad, Ron had all of those. And as for Hermione falling for Harry, well it's not anyone's fault. You can't decide who you fall in love with, unless you use love potions. And while Ron might have shown bits and pieces of affection and admiration toward Hermione, they are far outweighed by the times that he belittled her, made fun of Hermione's pursuits, etc.

Sorry if this review comes off as a flame, I did enjoy your story and it was a good first effort but perhaps next time, take it a little slower as this one just flew through everything. It didn't have any real backstory to why Ron went to Malfoy for help in his revenge, etc. Hope this review doesn't deter you from continuing to write, it is meant to be some helpful advice

SlytherinKnight

This is going a bit fast.

At the start of the story I absolutely loved it. At this point, Harry's passivity is starting to annoy me far to much to even enjoy your story. Apparently in your story Harry's entire plan of action is: do nothing. Ron is creating an army: let's do nothing about it. Ron is using dark means and torture to increase his powers: let's do nothing about it. Ron is trying to discredit me: let's do nothing about it.
Harry controlls death. Why is Ron still alive? Harry in your story allready had several chances to take Ron down: he never did anything. He rages and moans when Hermione gets kidnapped, but then doesn't do aything. At this point, I hope Ron wins. He's actually doing something. Harry is training, but doesn't do anything about it. Hell, he's stronger than Ron. When you can easily defeat your enemy, you shouldn't spent time training, you should spent your time taking down your opponent.

The moment Ron and Draco turn dark. You send death to Draco, a death Draco means a strong ally less for Ron. The moment Ron tries some political plays, you tell the world how he ran like a coward when he didn't get enough meals during their war against Voldemort. Is that the type of person they want for minister. The moment Ron creates those life eaters and uses them on Ginny, you take Ron down. You don't give Ron momentum by doing absolutely nothing.

So why are Ron and Draco still alive? You told in one of the first chapters how Harry could send death to any person, so why hasn't he done so allready? Even now: "leaving the streets littered with injured and groaning assailants." So basically every assailant can now come back to try and kill him again.

Harry is stupid to not immediately bind them and get aurors. So stupid, in fact, that it's hard not to conclude that he should lose this conflict and should retire. Maybe Ron is right.

The Weasley factor... It's a common thread through many H/HR stories that the perceived threat of Ron's anger and potential loss of his friendship was enough keep Harry and Hermione apart. This story forces the issue where it didn't go in canon by use of a soul bond plot device (a legitimate and nicely underplayed use in my opinion).

I don't care for Ron and Ginny, so I don't mind a little bashing - this story takes it to an extreme I can't say I've seen often. It's a little shocking, but I'm still enjoying the tale.

I one thing that has been bugging me is the extreme passivity being shown by Harry and Hermione:

- They waited an entire school year to tell Ron about their relationship.
- Ron attacked when they told him and they did nothing
- They have taken no real steps to intercede with the Weasley parents nor made any real efforts to make an appointment have a good talk with George or Bill about the family situation.
- Ron attacks with an unforgivable but nothing is done.
- They know a new dark coalition has been formed, but they just do a lot of hand-wringing with Shack and wait to see what happens next. All they seem to do many days is read, shop and shag.
- They know Ginny is in deep and is being controlled, but they do very little to try to help her out of the situation - they should have contacted her family (Bill?) at least.
- A number of men attack the couple and try to take Hermione but there is no indication that any of them were brought to justice except for the one Harry obliviated.
- Harry knows that Ron and friends are after Hermione, but he allows her to shop in Hogsmeade with minimal protection while he is occupied.
- They know who was involved (Malfoy included) in this very public kidnapping, but there is no indication that any of these men are being detained or even wanted by the aurors. In the meantime, charge-ahead Harry with his "saving people thing" sits around and does very little while Hermione, the woman he loves is being held in a location he is aware of. Couldn't he at least have contacted the aurors and brought them with him? It's almost like he is waiting until something DOES happen to her before he acts.

Harry is NOT one to sit around and wait for disaster to strike if he sees things he can do about it. Look at HBP, where he is convinced Malfoy is up to no good and does everything he can to figure out the plot, even when all of his friends think he's out of line. If people had listened to him the whole invasion may have been prevented.

Despite the frustration with Harry and Hermione's passivity, I am enjoying the story and look forward to seeing the plot develop. Please keep it up - I'm sure Harry is close to being fed up with all of this by now and will start acting rather than reacting.

Okay I tried to read but everyone is so OOC and not at all believable that I had to stop. Good luck witjh the rest.

Wonderful and exciting chapter! Look forward to more.

because harry/hermione isn't a fairy tale...

Enjoyed it! Can't wait to see what else they have in store.