fuck me Naruto is so fuckin annoying in this arc

Lame

Genmna seems a bit dickish here haha.

this is a great story. update when you can. i can understand having such a busy schedule, but don't stress over writing. the way i see it, writing should be a stress reliever.

all talk and shit. there are in a fight and they decide yo talk
.yep like all other shitty fanfictions, naruto here has his tall no jutsu. completely disappointed

was reading chapter 2 and I'm done. this is shit

Yeah, you know what makes a foundation of a good story ? Proper syntax, to start with. Try learning that, and maybe you'll amount to something.

layoff the although, although it's funny although it's annoiyng too, although I like the plot although you should update it although you might be busy although I don't think you are although I really don't know.

Yo, was just wondering if work had slowed down and if you were gonna get back to this. If not no worries, life moves on.

Tokubesu Chunnin? Did they create an entirely new rank for him? Also, Naruto fought Tobi-fing-rama and survived? What? Tobirama would’ve removed Naruto’s head from his shoulders before his brain even registered the fact that he had so much as *moved*. Minato had to’ve saved his ass.

Naruto sure tighten his jaw a lot. I have this amusingly image of him taking a screw-driver to it and literally tightening it.

Oh, and you stripped a certain someone of their plot-armor. Thank you for that.

The Main House doesn’t get branded. That “privilege” is reserved for the Branch House. Oooohh. Bastard!Hiashi is in the house!

This OC is getting a lot of attention lately. OCs should be used akin to spice: with moderation and only when required.

Final thoughts and opinions: There are too many mains, Hanabi gets an incredible amount of screen time (at times, to the detriment of the Naruto himself), Naruto acting like a bratty teenager going through his angst phase (everyone hates having to deal with moody teens) annoys me, Gai-Sensei is awesome, the massive fallout of Konoha getting crushed should have more spotlight, Naruto should’ve apologized to Kakashi (on-screen) for acting the way he did towards him, and I really like the style you write your fights with.

For some detailed notes — I don’t like Hanabi, or this OC. Hanabi, because of her cliché tsundere personality, and to some extent that her characterization is at odds with canon-counterpart. In-addition, her habit of butting in Naruto’s fights, despite not even being a genin, irritates me. The OC because she’s stands out from Kishimoto’s cast of characters, which renders it difficult to connect with her or care for her. The fact that she’s introduced by letting Naruto get beaten when he’d *just* gone to the effort of getting some brat’s posse off her back only serves to dislike all the more. Sasuke’s personality actually makes for a nice change of pace, though I would say he’s not written perfectly in-character. His dialogue is just too friendly to me.

I found you adapting the Mentee!Naruto storyline held the fic back. It’s a dated premise that’s slogged down by ton of inferior fics that’ve used it. It ticks off a number of the requirements: Naruto obtaining a new wardrobe, adapting a new attitude, gaining a sizeable increase in muscle mass, learning many a new jutsu… The mold should be broken already. It’s why I suggested starting from the very beginning of Naruto’s childhood and working your way up to this point. Yes, Naruto will be an entirely different person than he once was, but that’s the case as it is now; not a single person familiar with this series would mistake your version of Naruto for canon!Naruto. If it’s your presence to keep canon relatively the same until a certain point, diverge it at an earlier point.

Instead of a single month resulting in massive physical and mental changes, it can be gradually build-up over the years. Naruto learns jutsu as he goes, his taste in-fashion can simply be made to never include orange tracksuits, he’s able to work out on his accord and get ripped normally, and his personality is gradually developing. Compare Naruto from the first couple chapters to the later one; they’re noticeable different people – Despite it only being a month in-between. When you develop Naruto from start, you can pave the foundation for later, establish foreshadowing and set-up plot threads while you’re there.

Despite my criticism, I did enjoy reading your story. Normally I’d be more easy-going. The difference here is that it’s clear you’ve got years of experience at this and have reached a impressive degree of skill, but can’t be exercised to its full extent due to the dated Mentee!Naruto narrative. With that said, I wouldn’t change it; as it’d likely by stuck in a repeating cycle of writing and re-writing in accordance to your ever-increasing standards. Keep in-mind if you’re working on something new, preferably, but I’d suggest keeping it the same. A lot of my own issues with are due to my opinions rather than inherent flaws. You like writing a Naruto that’s very conflicted on both morality and taking another life, I like writing him so that reaping souls makes him feel complete and where his grasp on morality is absolute and unwavering. With such differing ideologies, it’s unlikely we’d enjoy the same things.

It’s been a pleasure both reading and reviewing. If you want to respond, feel free to take time to find a computer or laptop.

There being strangely casual despite standing in an active war-zone.

Wow. The Kinslayer and the Tailless Beast, too? Konoha’s gonna be wrecked once this rolls over.

Explosive tags? Those are that easy to obtain? They could’ve been put to good use on the sleeping civilians in the stadium. Why’s Tobirama fighting Sarutobi? He created the jutsu; he can break just like Madara can.

Other coffin…..? You wouldn’t… You *can’t!*

Naruto’s plot armor saves him again. Actually, that’s really that much tension in this fight since we know Naruto cannot die (or be killed off, anyway); it’s starting to drag.

Heaven? People like Hashirama and Tobirama? Either Heaven’s not all it’s cracked up to be, or its standards for entrance are very low. Exposition-ANBU! My new fav!

Heh. False Tension. Hanabi ain’t dying anytime soon, if ever. I defy your attempts at conjuring emotion within me, heart-man!

One more to go!

What!? Nooooo. My new favorite character! How could you you monster!

Eh, I saw it coming (she was *never* anywhere that nice to him before). Was debating on whether you’d do it or no, though. Congratulations. Damn gurl, you cold as ice. Already talking about how Naruto needs to get over it despite it not being an hour. I like it!

What kind of request is that? Become Hokage if I die? Sasuke tells it how it is.

Ice puns? You can never have enough!

Running out of things to comment on. Too chaotic for my tastes.

Oro comes in with thin-veiled threats, and Sarutobi replies in turn. Hanabi needs to ease up the salt factor.

Orochimaru gets it! Sarutobi is making too many comparisons to trees and dirt.

Hmm? Snow Country invited themselves to the par-tay eh?

What’s this! Naruto been hit with a particularly devastating technique?! Could this be it!? The end of the main character himself?! Of course not. As it is literally impossible to kill the main character off before the story reaches its conclusion. It’s a paradox.

Haha! Your cliffhanger is no use to one such as I!

Starting to roll my eyes at how HanabiXNaruto is predestined to happen. Starting to feel forced.

‘Cause trusting your foreign leader with your most powerful, and very influential, weapon seemed like a good at the time. I actually liked the previous version better. Sarutobi was furious at Mei for trying to subvert their jinchuuriki, and for good reason.

Ah. Disregard that. Strange how Hiruzen’s this clever, as Naruto’s crap upbringing speaks against that. Wow. He can’t insure that Naruto’s freaking literate? Come on now.

Is it that hard for Naruto to place a knife at his throat?

When your protagonist happens to be a world-ending deterrent, you’d be surprised by at how strong the gravitational pull he exhibits is. 'Tis indeed enjoyable making little (and big) alterations to the canon story line.

Naruto’s like to give the hand. It’s starting to become annoying. His bratty streak towards Kakashi isn’t helping. Naruto’s being portrayed in the right 100%? Protagonist Centered Morality, much?

Fem!Haku? Why? Just…why? Why would you do this? :’( Gettin’ dat sexual tension underway. Pet names too! Love at first sight

Yes, RamenXSauce makes quite the couple.

The cut-aways are interrupting the flow of the fight. Especially annoying given its very well done. Naruto died? What is this genjutsu at foot? While Sasuke may’ve froze up for half-a-second at hearing Zabuza’s voice, it’d be a minute window opportunity to take advantage of. Now Sasuke’s acting like Haku’s legitimately back from the dead and turning into a crazed lune. It’s both sudden and unconvincing. If he’d displayed some signs of being bothered by these experiences then yes, but he hasn’t. It’s why I suggested starting from an earlier point: It allows you to set a proper fountain.

Talking is a free action? I'd agree that you're not bashing Kakashi. In fact, he more of a point than Naruto himself. Sasuke was going to fight the bloodthirsty psychopathic Gaara. If Kakashi works one-on-one, he can achieve much better results compared to splitting his focus people at once. Naruto's whole argument comes down Kakashi choosing Sasuke over himself, but how much he be protesting if thing's went the opposite way? I highly doubt he'd many compliments.