Careful if the website catches this story with that rating and that language you'll get suspended.

Oh my gosh - YES. I agree with all of your points (and like you Kingdom Hearts is one of my favorite franchises EVER). Stupid hair, stupid clothes, poor taste in dialogue and jokes.

Personally, I feel that Kingdom Hearts 1 has the best dialogue and story. Everything after that made it far too complicated. Like in KH1 Sora feels important - like he's the only one who can wield the Keyblade - and Mickey was special, too. But then they took all of that away and now everyone can wield one. WTF.

EVERY character is lacking personality wise. They're all kind of boring, I agree with that. The most human I feel is Riku, but they're trying to change him into a shier, less corny version of Sora. It's frustrating. Poor Kairi, the first main girl we were introduced to - the girl that's supposed to be part of the main trio - has barely any character progression. That makes me mad because Aqua, Namine, and Xion all have had some character progression.

I felt that the heart of the story was the relationships between Sora, Kari, and Riku (and the romantic vibe going on between Sora and Kairi), but they've lost sight of that heart. It's just so confusing.

Like you I went into KH2 confused AF. I didn't even know about Chain of Memories until I beat KH2. The whole nobody thing is confusing - so is the fact that everyone is basically a rip off of Kairi and Sora. Xion Kairi from Sora's memories or some weird shit that was a puppet. Namine a combo of Sora and Kairi. Roxas Sora and Ventus combo. WTF are these writers thinking?!

There are three main reasons why Kingdom Hearts is so good and anyone who blindly criticize it can go to hell.

1) The concept.

What makes the concept of bringing Disney and Square Enix into the same franchise so special is the formula of its execution (which is the most important aspect of determining the idea's success).
In every Kingdom Hearts game, you play as a Final Fantasy-inspired human protagonist who travels around different worlds, most of which are based on Disney properties. The worlds are isolted form each other, and each of them has its own mini-quest with its own standalone story that requires communicating with the world's citizens, helping them solve their problems and defeating the main boss in order to proceed to the next world.
The main story of the franchise, however, resolves around those Final Fantasy-inspired original characters and connection between them, with some of the important Disney characters being a part of those connections (such as King Mickey, Master Yen Sid, Maleficent, etc.). The actual Final Fantasy cameos also come into the mix, but they're more important to the specific world's mini-quests rather than the overall story.

2) The gameplay.

The gameplay of Kingdom Hearts was something we had never seen before, with its traditional RPG elements mixed with dinamic acton-based real time combat. But the best part of it is a ton of ways for attack and defence. Melee attacks, magic, sleights, reaction commands, drive forms, d-links, shot locks, flowmotion and the list goes on... And it's not even neccessary to use them all - you can create not one, but many different battle styles and swithc between them as you like. Card and token slots from Chain of Memories and 358/2 Days support that idea.
Also let's not forget about the high customization value. In order to succeed at simple "button mashing" (as some haters say), you need to wisely organize your equipment, abilities and strategy to make sure you're as prepared as enemies require you to be.

3) Story.

Some people love to hate the story of Kingdom Hearts without knowing the reasons of its complexity and ways of getting the hang of it, or maybe some people just like to skip on spin-off because they think they're not important for the nature of not being the main titles (how foolish).
Here's the real reasons why the story is hard to follow (totally not because it's pooly written):
1) the games are not placed in chronological order;
2) the games are released on many different platforms (the developers still work hard to fix this with HD Remixes and Ultimania guides);
3) you get a specific story update with each new edition of the same game (Re:, Final Mix, HD).
If you don't understand a certain part of the story, which don't you wait until the part in the game that explains it? Or watch cutscenes on YouTube, or do some research, or ask fellow fans? See, that's what so special about it, you have to actually CARE about the story to put the pieces together. It's not another "the princess has been captured, go save her again" type of thing.
I don't blame people that enjoy games with a simple story, but the Kingdom Hearts series is totally worth it just for the gameplay and the awesome (sometimes tearjerking) moments alone.

I can't stop laughing, because as much as I love Kingdom Hearts, I have to agree with Roxas on everything.

HEY! KINGDOM HEARTS IS THE BEST GAME EVER! SO IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, THEN DON'T PLAY IT!

I made the mistake to read this at work. Holding back the laughter is harder than I remember hahaha. Fun short story.

And yeah, many people tend to think that KH is trying to be some perfect masterpiece... or simply hate the fact that it has Disney characters in it.

Ha, I admit as well KH had its problems, but you definitely hit all of them on the nail. And, well, where would a lot of us be without our lovable goofballs? :3

~SoraLover1994

I hate you. ...I guess.

I fully realize that my usual, more analytical and thoughtful approach to these things probably won't translate all that well to something so parodic in nature, but it's a formula that works, so I'll incorporate it as much as possible.

As much of a strawman as Roxas is here... He's not wrong. I mean, there's really no way to defend the games from anything he said. The dialogue is woeful, even if it can be endearing as a result, the overall original plot is bloated and grandiose, yet still manages to be riddled with cliches out the wazoo. One thing he really should have mentioned is the series' tendency to call directly lying to the audience in one game, then contradicting it later on a 'plot twist'. Like how the Organization members apparently could grow hearts, despite Yen Sid saying from almost the very beginning of II that Nobodies had no hearts and couldn't feel emotions. And Sora is about as Mary Sue-y as Mary sues get. And I could keep going, but the point remains that these are dumb games in almost every way. But...

That's why they're enjoyable. I'll even admit to enjoying Atlantica when I was younger (for clarification, I still haven't seen The Little Mermaid, so the arrangements of the songs don't bug me, and after the first game's terrible excuse for underwater combat, I was grateful to not have to fight) and even in those days, it never felt like I was playing something that was truly extraordinary. It was still immensely enjoyable, cheesy in all the right ways (mostly) and the gameplay basically renders most issues with the writing moot, cuz it's always fun to whale on enemies and bosses.

I don't really know whether or not to call this a good job, since this was less of a fanfic and more of a dissertation turned into a dialogue, but it hit salient points, and the actual dialogue was admittedly enjoyable. I laughed out loud a couple of times if that's any indication of the humor on display, so I'll say that you did a good job with that. Otherwise, its a pretty apt summation of why people love Kingdom Hearts in spite if its rather hideous warts.

To me, what constitutes a real fan from fanboys is the ability to call out flaws in what they love. They're even more of a real fan if they can make fun of the thing they love. You Palette, are a real KH fan.

Also, kingdom hearts really is just a weird fanfiction. Hell, you might as well call it Fanfiction: The Video Game lol.

Blegh, I'm sounding so fucking serious. Time to dumb this review up!

"I'm mad because I had to fuse with you so that you could become whole and your character was still a goofy attention-deficit shitbag cumslut who can't help but be a corny shonen anime character who is apparently a god at using a key to hit shit with after only using it for like a year."

YES! YES! OMG, YESSSSSS! God, Roxas calling Sora a cumslut is the fucking best. (Not in a kinky way.) Anyway, that's all from me. Loved this thing, seriously

Gotta love that shonen anime character line xD

I love this so much! xD I'm hardly butthurt about stuff I like so, I enjoyed it a lot.

It made my night xD this was hilarious and the ending killed me hahaha

Haha! Okay, so Roxas definitely had a ton of good points here. It always did kind of bother me how well mastered Sora and Riku are in using the Keyblade. Ever since KH1 using it was just kind of instinctual for them. THEN AGAIN, as children they always sparred with wooden swords, so it isn’t like battle is completely new to them. Still, this alone shouldn’t explain how they just sort of “know” how to use it.

They also do tend to overuse certain words (darkness, light, heart, etc.) but I mean, it’s as Sora mentioned. *hearts* is in the title, so it shouldn’t be that surprising that it’s used a million time! I mean, they overuse words that have to do with the THEMES the series covers. It makes sense, but after awhile it does get a bit repetitive.

I’m glad you didn’t get into Atlantica. Hated underwater combat KH1, KH2 was uh, interesting to say the least. xD

but truer words have never been spoken concerning the irrelevance the Disney worlds serve to the plot! Ugggggh I love the Disney worlds but I usually can’t wait to get them over with if it means going to an original world like Traverse Town or Radiant Garden because I know that stuff actually HAPPENS in original worlds as opposed to the disney ones. XD

Oi, and that point about having TO BUY SO MANY GAME CONSOLES JUST TO UNDERSTAND WHAT’S GOING ON

I actually began playing KH out of order. I played Days first bc I only had a DS and I was SO CONFUSED AS TO WHO THIS SORA CHARACTER WAS THAT EVERYONE KEPT MENTIONING

And then I proceeded to purchase not only KH2, but a frigging PS2 too bc I wanted to get it! But then, lo and behold, there’s a KH1? And COM? Oh, and then 1.5 and 2.5 and Dream Drop so I’d better buy a 3DS and a Ps3 uggggh lol and now I need a PS4 for 2.8 and KH3 :’D

The humor is pretty bad sometimes like in the examples you listed lololol. BUT not all the time! I laughed on various occasions, like when Sora got punched in the Land of Dragons, and when Roxas accidently threw that stick at Riku/Ansem and Riku just walked away like #whatevs

Characters could always be given more depth, but I mean, this IS a video game… they have to focus on the combat aspect more than story aspect. But the manga and novels definitely give everyone more depth, and that’s nice to see. :D

I do understand Roxas’s general frustration though. Haha! But I especially enjoyed the bit where Sora said that KH is light and proceeded to defend it, because he served some really good points too. KH is just meant to be light hearted and fun. And it is. It’s an intriguing combination of FF and Disney, and whether or not that makes it a marketable fanfiction doesn’t really matter. All that matters is that it is fun and full of heart. It’s got a ton of flaws, but that’s just fine because it’s still a great series at the end of the day. But it’s always fun to point out those flaws too!

Also, I thought it was funny how you used the actual characters to discuss the game. I love fourth wall breaks.

So yeah, interesting fic. Really got me thinking about my love/hate relationship with the series. Still, it’s got a special place in my...HEART. XD

h8 u so much omg

Ok I lol'd when Riku came out eating the banana

ALSO I feel like Roxas was literally a symbol of every single conversation we've ever had criticizing this game lmao