Please continu this story.
A Broken Wizard and a Broken Magus

Please update your story soon!

Too bad this is so short. Much as I liked the original, this is actually far superior.

pls continue

I want more only thing I'm meh about is Zealot but she fits the whole broken crazy squad

Fun story, unfortunately abandoned too soon. Can’t say I’m fond of just how blind Harry is those around him. His inability to read anyone but Kirei apparently is too much ignorance for my tastes. I like the broken and fucked up Sakura, but her machinations leave Harry looking like a fool and I’m simply not fond of a foolish protagonist. Aside from that though, I quite enjoyed the tale you were weaving. I certainly wouldn’t mind seeing it updated at some point. Cheers, mate.

Please update this story soon

Are you okay? Are you alive?

I gotta say I do love the more mature ages of the cast, and the sex bits, I also like Rin being added in to the harem, but I prefer the Old version of the fic, with Sakura, Daphne, Medusa, Medea, Zealot, the Triplets, and Saber, although Saber Alter is indeed a better choice for either fic.

I was also thinking that maybe instead of a WBWL Orion, you could make Ivy the GWL, and she hates her parents and Albus for sending HER Harry away, and then keeping her fat, arrogant, idiotic baby bro Orion. And then because she's such a Brocon she'll do ANYTHING to get her big bro's love and help him get revenge on those that wronged them.

Hey, it's been over a year, you okay?

*Sigh*

I don't even need to bother. You know what you did wrong.

If your going to write a HINO (Harry In Name Only) Harem Power Fantasy, the least you could do is respect the cast and story of the work you're crossing over with.

As it is, not only is Harry literally unrecognizable from his canon self ('tis the cost of HINO), but nothing he has done, is doing, or will do, at any point in this fic, is impressive in any way, because your just handing the guy "cool" stuff on a silver platter, so even the guilty pleasure aspects of the story feel dull.

Some big problems are as follows:

1. Zelretch randomly making Harry a super mage, for no down side, after tearing him from an alternate world in which he has an important role to play (something Zel would never ever do), also with no down sides, and no exploration of the effects his absence has on the HP-verse. As such, effectively no part of HP is present in this fic, and you could literally switch Harry with Joe Schmoe off the street and not change a d*mn thing. Troll!Zel is completely unfaithful to canon, but acceptable, if it actually serves the story. This one does not.

2. Putting aside the HINO problem, Harry has basically everything handed to him. Zel gives him something he has never given to anyone else (even the many heroes and apprentices he is acquainted with, most of whom are infinitely more deserving of said boon than Harry on account of actually succeeding through pressing trials of their own merits), Sakura for some unexplained reason is utterly in love with him (and no, the given reason doesn't justify anything), Harry is a super competent mage (also against his canon characterization, but this one deserves special mention) to the point that he just arbitrarily owns parts of the Tohsaka Gemcraft (which he has no way of accessing, no way of using, and which Rin would actually murder him for), and he SOMEHOW managed to summon two Servants, both extremely powerful ones, and by compatibility summon no less, despite having about as much in common with Zealot and Herk (themselves two very different beings, and impossible to summon together) as a brick.

For reference, the only time in the entire Nasuverse that a Grail War master has summoned two Servants was the Edefelts summoning two Sabers in the Third War, an act that was only managed due to the family's Sorcery Trait splitting the Servant's Saint Graph in half, and the two had their strength split between each other, meaning that in practice the equivalent of only one Servant was summoned. Yet Harry summoned two separate Saint Graphs (something the Grail expressly forbids) and didn't die on the spot from the strain, or the subsequent drain of supporting two top-tier Servants (one of whom is f*cking Berserkles). Not a single one of your explanations, be it the years of storing energy, Zouken screwing with the system, or Harry being a super-mage, not one, justifies this. 'Cause, you know, Illya in canon couldn't do that, despite her army of sacrificial Homonculi and other materials, the Einzbern screwing with the Grail (something they are much better at than Zouken, as the Third War shows), and Illya being a Super!super mage and nascent Third Magician with enough raw magic to summon and support Herakles without Grail assistance. Frankly, if summoning two Servants was possible, the Einzberns would have done it.

3. Making the opposition incompetent. Fun fact, Shinji is actually highly successful and competent outside of magecraft related business, which is kinda the whole reason he has such an inferiority complex regarding it in canon (and yes, he has one), but we can let that slide. FAR more insulting is, uh, everyone else. Specifically, Archer and Rin. ESPECIALLY Archer. That was really the deal-breaker for me, as this story goes. Zealot is good, really good, but the idea that she could possibly kill Archer without making a sound is frankly f*cking absurd. The eagle-eyed, clairvoyant, "passively reads the history of everything around him" mage noted in canon to be so skilled and at home in battle that his reflexes border on precognition dying like a little b*tch to a sneak attack from an Assassin that doesn't possess Presence Concealment EX without so much as making a sound is very much a f*cking problem.

Seriously. The ONE Servant you can expect is most aware of his surroundings and the hardest to sneak up on gets utterly ganked in the middle of a base covered in Bounded Fields of detection? Do you even think about this stuff before you write it? Mister "So skilled that I killed Beserkles with CQC in an enclosed space six times with a broken arm, without using my trump card, and despite being a long-ranged specialist" just dies without a fight? No. He does not.

Even your explanation is contradictory. Putting aside the fact that Archer never lets his guard down (as much as your mouthpiece character Assassin claims otherwise, which is just bashing) and that he doesn't actually retain memory of the Grail War in canon, then there are only two options. Either he doesn't fully remember things (and thus won't get complacent, not that he would even if he did), or he does remember and knows from the get go that this war is highly abberant (Saber Alter and Illyasviel Emiya really 'ought to have been a tip off) and he should be even MORE careful.

And that's just Emiya. Just as bad is the horrid mischaracterization and character assassinations of Rin and Sakura (Respectively a spineless idiot and a controlling, pointlessly cruel b*tch), Kirei (why does he have a soft spot for Harry? There is no reason, just authorial fiat), Zouken (who is somehow seen through by a child with no manipulative experience whatsoever) and basically anyone Harry comes into conflict with ever. Except Rita, oddly enough.

4. And all of the other problems in general.

The old story was shameless, and thus at least an enjoyably trashy sort of read. This? No. Just no.

(Zealot is alright though. She was the first story's main draw, as well as this one's, simply because she's so under-used. So there's that)

is it bad i am enjoying shinjis pain?

There's a problem at the end. When Servants die, their bodies aren't left behind. They actually return to the Throne of Heroes.

Oh, read the not at the top explaining why Archer didn't dissipate. I can see Rin wasn't killed because "plot!". But still... I don't think Assassin woulda let her go just like that.