I can't believe I spent a good 3 hours of my time reading this. I can't stop reading when I think "Oh, it's short" and "Keep reading or the suspense will eat you alive and bludgeon your family", but that's just silly!

Oh, sweet Emperuh whyyyy?

I choose: e) Kimmuriel Oblodra, standing over a boucquet

Simply Fabulous. I always love a good humorous FanFic, especially when it has to do with Artemis and Jarlaxle.

Entreri stole my flask... But give it back, he'll need the thing. And do a St. Patrick's Day special. Or maybe a Halloween one. Or, better yet, someone's birthday *gestures toward Drizzt, who hides in a corner with Bruenor's flask of mead*. I'm gonna finish your story now... Please note, I read the holiday specials before I knew of this.

“What happened?”

“It…it kissed me!” He rubbed his lips with the back of his hand.

“Oh.”

“Oh? What do you mean ‘oh?’”

“He sealed it with a kiss,” Jarlaxle said with a shrug. “Many drow of his caliber imbue a message with sealed lips so that only certain beings can glimpse the writing.” With a smile, “aren’t you going to read it?”

~HAHA! It kissed him! Yep, that's something only Jarian would do..

Wonderful story! :D I loved every bit of it.

“and besides, it should be obvious at this point that you are guaranteed a place in the third day.”

Jarian blinked in surprise. He has confidence in my work? “Oh Artemis, are we really so different you and I?”

~Shocking. :D

“You remind me of Jarlaxle sometimes.”

Entreri nearly dropped the mask at Jarian’s last statement.

Me?

Similar to Jarlaxle?

Improbable.

He put the mask back on and headed back toward the Inn.

~Haha! He really does to me, also.

“Then, I do not get to see the man behind the mask?”

“You see all there is to see, the man and the mask are one and the same.”

Narfindal chuckled, not only would he have to watch Jarlaxle…he would have to watch this one as well.

Entreri made it back to his room at the Inn and breathed a sigh of relief as the lock clicked shut on his door.

~I love the mask quote by Entreri. :D Sheer brilliance. :D

Entreri stumbled back into the wall and nearly relaxed into the kiss as tongues were joined.

That was until he noticed one thing.

…a certain ring…

His throat clenched in a gag and he shoved the woman to the bed, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “JARIAN!”

~LOL!

Brilliance on this chapter!

Knock. Knock.

Silence.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Annoyed silence.

“Entreri, sulking is not attractive.”

The assassin turned to the door, only to make sure the lock was in place. “I’m not sulking.”

“Then what are you doing?”

Entreri slipped out the window and murmured, “I’m hiding.”

Jarlaxle pressed his ear against the door and suppressed a chuckle as he heard the telltale signs of an escape.

~Yep, I figured on that.. :D

“Don’t you have someplace to be?”

“Yes,” Entreri said slowly closing his eyes and opening them again. He stood to stretch, turning swiftly on his heel to traverse the roof once more.

The stranger gazed after Entreri and removed a ring on his finger. Long white hair tumbled from the dark cloak and ruby eyes glittered. “Oh Artemis…why can’t we be like that more often?”

Raelos peeked his head through a dimensional curtain. “I can’t believe your imitation of a human! That was brilliant!”

“Thank you,” Jarian grinned, shedding the drab colored cloak with flair, “and now that my little plan is complete, I must spring into action to complete Artemis’ outfit.” He murmured an incantation, brushing fingers against a jeweled brooch at his neck, and transported his form at the final word into his mobile tailoring room.

~Hahaha!

“You don’t need any measurements,” Entreri inquired suspiciously.

“I know your measurements better than I know mine,” Jarian said mysteriously

~Obsessive, isn't he?

Jarlaxle made an art of reclining; he did it with such flair that unless you looked closely you would see that his relaxing was merely an illusion belying the ability to strike you down with a simple reach to any of his hidden weapons. Resting his feet on the balcony, one foot over the other, he surveyed the empty stage.

~Excellent description. :D

A soft mist clung to the bottom of the stage and a dark figure slowly made his way onstage. Twin daggers flashed in his hands, as he appeared to fly about the stage in a series of movements, reminiscent of the dire bats that resided in the Underdark. A mask of purest black covered his face, only revealing sallow skin surrounding grim lips. The mask converged to a point at the bridge of his nose, making Artemis Entreri a shadowed predator in search of prey.

Maskah, Kaifas, and Shytolin converged on him from the shadows. A tingle of magic emanated from the stage as a barrier was created to make sure that whatever fighting occurred onstage would stay onstage and not injure the audience. Their lizard-hide outfits flexed and writhed with their every muscle movement as they converged on the ‘prey’ that sought to do them ‘harm’.

Weapons were pulled from various inter-dimensional pockets and utilized to fight the wild creature that refused to be tamed. Entreri darted across the stage, dodging magic that was thrown at him, using the cloak as a shield against the attacks, twirling it in a dramatic billow that resembled a bat flapping. Maskah, Kaifas, and Shytolin moved as one concentrating a final attack only to have the ‘bat’ meet them head on.

The crowd gasped and the four clashed in a burst of sparks, disarming the barrier to have the stage return to normal. As the smoke cleared their outfits had naught a tear, they each bowed and retreated from the stage to the sound of applause.

“A human? That was a human wasn’t it?”

~... That. Was. Simply. Brilliant. :D

“Yes, I’m fine,” Jarlaxle said with a smile. “The last remnants of a fine drink are always strong.” He looked over to Entreri as if saying, I saw you being nice to the mouse.

Entreri dutifully ignored the table’s occupants.

~HAHAH!

Entreri closed his eyes for a moment, thwarting a twitch and opened them once again. He opened his mouth to say something, but closed it and left the room.

Kaifas cackled in delight. “Master Jarlaxle reduced the assassin to speechlessness!”

“The assassin is always quiet,” Maskah said, “but speechlessness indeed is an amusing phenomenon.”

~LOL. Poor Entreri..

“Perhaps,” Jarlaxle chuckled. A foul smell accosted his nose and he watched Narfindal pale and press a handkerchief to his nose.

“What is that foul odor?”

“The stench of a noble,” Jarlaxle muttered.

Lord Phinagon coughed as he ordered Brak to continue spraying the cologne onto his form. He appeared to be in the process of wooing, a process that was failing miserably since creatures of both genders were avoiding the overpowering stench.

“Humans are such strange creatures,” Narfindal commented.

“Strange, but intriguing,” Jarlaxle said.

~HAHAH!

Entreri was too horrified to form words.

~I love it. :D Poor, poor Entreri.

That was amazing Raelos,” Jarian said giving him a congratulatory kiss on each cheek.

~That was. :D Excellent descriptions.

“I can’t believe you actually went through with it,” Raelos said in awe. “Representing those figures in public is dangerous, considering their reputations.”

“When fashion is concerned, affiliation to a deity can be merely a decoration,” Jarian grinned.

~Force. I must say, when rational, Jarian is rather good. :D

The rest of the participants paled in comparison to the prior displays, especially the models of Lord Phinagon who showcased outfits that looked amazingly similar to the ones he displayed on Day One. When he was confronted by another tailor about this fact the Lord proceeded to throw a tantrum.

~HA!

Jarian slowly turned to regard Entreri.

Oh hells no. . .

~Bwahahaha.. :D This will get quite interesting.

By the abyss Jarian, I’m in a disguise and you just told this moon elf my name.

~HAHA!

Entreri looked to the unlikely pair, hunched forward in their seats, shoulder to shoulder, as they quietly talked amongst themselves. They’re having a conversation that isn’t laden with innuendos. . .

~Gasp. The Shock of it for poor Artemis. :D

Entreri’s knuckles turned white as he gripped his sabre’s hilt thinking and repeating, I will not kill the elves.

~Hehe. :-)

“I should be privy to the front seats. Me and me alone,” a nasally voice intoned.

Entreri slowly turned his head and twitched. A noble, I absolutely detest whiney nobles.

~LOL. Ah, it's prissy noble time!

Entreri wasn’t sure what came down the stage next…but he knew it was nothing close to ‘true fashion.’ Three female humans, none of whom looked very happy, but pasted fake smiles on their faces regardless, modeled off the most gaudy noble’s clothes Entreri had ever seen. He might not have known fashion very well, but he knew what was atrocious.

~Force. That was worse that I thought.. I figured at least prissy noble guy would have more sense! Excellently written. :D

Wonderful job!

“My, I shall have to have a long talk with Jarian this evening. Do tell him that Raelos sends his warmest regards.”

~Raelos? Hm.. poor Artemis may have another Jarian on his hands.

Jarlaxle swirled his wine and twitched a very Entreri-like twitch. Prissy nobles, I –hate- prissy nobles.

~LOL. That whole prissy noble scene was brilliantly done. :D

“Ah!” Entreri woke up with a cry that was not of excitement, but of explicit horror. He’d had nightmares before, but nothing had disturbed him as badly as this visual atrocity. It took him a moment to fully gauge his surroundings.

Where am I? Wait…we were in that alley and it was raining. There was that fight we won and then-

“By the abyss, how long have I been unconscious!”

“A day.”

~Ouch.

Entreri was about to drink his wine, but his cup stopped in midair. Emotionally!

“I don’t do emotions.”

~Woops.

He hadn’t felt human since childhood and he never claimed to be a drow. What was he? Was he merely an assassin? Was he a creature defined by his deadly skills? Or maybe, just maybe, was he finally understanding what it meant to be a true member of Bregan D’aerthe?

~Extremely well written. :D

“You can’t make me not call you Artie.”

“I can cut out your tongue,” Entreri said darkly.

“You’d have to touch it first,” Jarian said in a husky voice.

~Poor guy.. what a Catch-22.

Entreri suppressed the urge to kill Jarian; after all, there were too many witnesses.

~LOL!

The four drow gasped slightly in alarm and wrapped their cloaks tightly about themselves, huddling in the cowls. Entreri smirked as he turned around and led them back toward the Inn.

~Hehe, I love it.. :D

They think I’m a drow as well, Entreri realized. It took him a moment to recognize that his defensive stance was similar to the four drow and that he had been walking of late like the drow, toe to heel, instead of heel to toe.

“We’re here to do business that is none of your concern,” Entreri responded, imitating the accent of a drow speaking Common tongue.

~Interesting. :D

“You really think like quite the drow,” Jarian said. He wrapped his tape measure about his hand.

“Is that a tape measure?”

Jarian smirked. “I am a drow of many, many talents.” He flicked it to his side, taking out one of the humans with a resounding crack, sounding just like a whip.

~A tape measure whip. Force, what will Jarian think up next? :D

The assassin was glad for the earring in his ear that allowed his sight to shift to infravision. Most of the ruffians became a chaotic rabble when the curtain of darkness fell. The rain created wisps of heat that rose off the humans like steam and Entreri maintained a warrior-like calm to keep his body temperature different than the others so the drow could differentiate the heat signatures. Clangs of weapons echoed down the alley, like funeral bells tolling a requiem for the fallen.

The globe of darkness faded and Entreri stood amidst the bodies of those he had slain. The hood of his cloak had fallen back and rain dripped from his hair like the blood that trickled off his sabre.

“It’s a human,” one of the surviving ruffians yelled. “He’s in league with the drow, a traitor to his own race!”

Jarian stood back with his servants, staring in slight shock at the change that had come over Entreri. They had seen him spar, but never actually kill. They finally understood why Jarlaxle kept the human around…unfortunately for Entreri, this increased Jarian’s attraction tenfold.

Entreri fought with a calculated coldness that would chill the heart of any man, yet the ferocity in his eyes belied any thoughts of detachment from the kills. His job was clear, to protect the drow. He had no choice in the matter and his unconscious kept his fighting form close to the dark elves that he was charged to guard. Deep down he was impressed by the drow skills, especially Jarian, whose tape measure of doom acted as a rather useful weapon.

At one point during the battle, Jarian unfurled the tape measure toward Entreri, having it wrap around his waist. With a yank he pulled the assassin out of the way of a sword’s blade and into his arms.

~Brilliantly written! :D

On a random note in the beginning, doesn’t Entreri remind you of a poor boyfriend who gets stuck with their girlfriend shopping and has to hold their purse and bags while they try things on. :stifles the urge to giggle:

~Indeed he does. Poor guy.. *shudder.*

As Entreri prepared to bathe he mumbled, “I just had a conversation with a flying mouse, the gods are a cruel lot indeed.”

~LOL!

“Artemis. . .you have. . .style,” Jarian said in awe.

“Which is why I do not require yours,” Entreri said.

~WO! :D He certainly does clean up quite nicely. I'm afraid this image is now permanently ingrained in my head. :D

“Yes, it is sufficient,” Jarlaxle said, “especially since you’ve reduced Jarian to near speechlessness.”

Entreri sighed. “He’s up to something isn’t he?”

Jarlaxle shrugged. “I am but a simple mercenary captain, I know not of such things.”

“That means yes,” Entreri said. “Nothing about you is simple.”

~LOL.

“Oh splendid!” Jarian clapped excitedly and faced his servants. “A day in town with Artemis! How exciting!”

A day in town, with these four and all the obsessive Fashion Fans, Entreri thought. I knew I should have leapt out of the washroom window.

~Poor Artemis. :D

To say that Artemis Entreri was only a little enraged would be saying a volcano emits only a little lava during an eruption. Anger lurked within the assassin’s being and it was not noticeable, save for a dangerous glint in his eyes and the fact it was radiating from his form like steam. Of course if you were on the streets of Waterdeep you would simply be steering clear of an angry woman, wondering why an equally outrageously dressed entourage was following her. Regardless, you would not get in either of their paths.

“Are we nearly there Artemis?”

Jarian was hoping for some kind of reply from an assassin. The silence was unnerving and he was starting to fear for Jarlaxle’s life.

~Were I Jarian, I'd being doing a bit more than fearing for Jarlaxle's life.. more like hoping he gets a quick death!

Jarian wondered about the strange behaviors of humans, until he realized that he failed to mention something to Entreri about his disguise. He whispered to Entreri, “oh yes, I forgot to mention that your voice is still that of a male human.”

~LOL! :D

Jarian’s eyes sparkled in amusement.

Entreri’s eyes glinted like a sword in the moonlight. “Jarlaxle will not live to see that performed. You will all prepare for bed. I am going to sit right here and deal with Jarlaxle accordingly.” He sat in a chair, folded his arms, and stared at the door.

“Artemis,” Jarian said gently, “you cannot kill Jarlaxle over such a trivial matter.”

Entreri continued his stare at the door. “I can and I will.”

~Poor, poor Jarlaxle... (And I must say, how you described both their eyes rocked! :)

He pulled a dagger out of the wall, “and good morning to you too Entreri. I take it that you are not a morning person?”

Jarlaxle bent down to move the other bottles out of the way and another dagger hit the wall. “Hmm, I will take that answer as a ‘no’ then.”

“Those were warning throws,” Entreri said as he stood. “Next time I will hit you.”

~Nice! :D Ah, and so the battle begins.

He rushed at Jarlaxle with his sabre, but the drow was ready with his own. Jarlaxle was surprised that Entreri was not losing control, as most humans were apt to do, instead he had a calculated rage which was fascinating.

Jarian gasped as he heard the swordfight in the other room. “Jarlaxle is lucky to cross swords with Artemis.”

“This is pointless you know,” Jarlaxle said.

“I beg to differ,” Entreri said, absently twirling his sword as he attacked.

Jarlaxle chuckled, “a little panache from the assassin during the duel. I should provoke you more often.”

~Haha! This should be rather intriguing.

Jarlaxle thoughtfully stroked his chin. “If you can prove to me that you’re capable of the task, then perhaps I just may have you create your own disguise. I was merely trying to be helpful.”

Entreri held out his hand and Jarlaxle removed the ring.

“I will do that straightaway,” Entreri said. He headed to the washroom and paused, “we’ll never have a normal conversation will we?”

Jarlaxle chuckled, “I highly doubt it. If I am involved, normal is simply out of the question. Besides, ‘normal’ isn’t my style.” He tossed Entreri’s sabre back to him.

Entreri caught the sabre and sheathed it at his side. “I really wonder about you sometimes.” He shook his head and promptly locked the washroom door behind him.

Jarlaxle chuckled, “likewise.” He healed his elbow with a touch of a special healing wand and smirked as he quickly opened a nearby door.

~Haha. Normal conversations, eh? :D And I can't wait to see what Entreri can come up with.

Jarian, Maskah, Kaifas, and Shytolin tumbled to the floor.

“Somehow I’m not surprised,” Jarlaxle said as they untwined each other from a tangle of limbs. “I trust you four are enjoying yourselves.”

~LOL!

Brilliance. :D I especially adore the fight between Artemis & Jarlaxle.