I did not just read an entire passage in this chapter depicting a phedophile gym teacher jacking off to one of his students picture of her wearing a bikini on his phone

Don’t give a shit about your work, your work was too lacking all over a place.

There's a reason this FF doesn't work - Kiritsugu wouldn't do that. Even before the Grail he wouldn't do this. Afterwards? Even less.

Kiritsugu felt a little bit too antagonistic in this.

So... Illya is to Shirou as kinghood was to Mordred?

Nice comparison.

We know that Iri was upset with Kiritsugu (and we now know that she wasn't helping at all), but I really want to know what the consequences of that were. When Kiritsugu said "your family", does that mean that Irisviel threw him out? She's now faced with one of her children horribly traumatized and the other forced away from home as an infamous delinquent... if she would have possibly even killed Kiritsugu to protect them from that, just what has she done as punishment or retaliation?

I mean... she killed the rest of the Einzbern to make sure that they would never come after Illya again. Whatever she did could explain why he's mostly reverted back to that cold, emotionless state of the Magus Killer. If he approached it differently, even after everything he did he might still have been able to maintain some sort of familial relationship with Shirou, but the way Kiritsugu approached it completely tore apart whatever they had.

Also, where does this happen on the Prisma Illya timeline? If this is the period when Ruby and Sapphire show up, this would make a giant difference on how things work with Illya (and since Chloe knows about magic, she might actually realize what happened to a degree, making for a very different characterization for her because Illya certainly did have a sweet comfy life after supplanting her).

Actually, no. I've just thought of something worse than what I said earlier.
In order to set up this scenario to send Shirou to the new school, Kiritsugu would have had to intentionally set Illya up to be in that situation. Even if he knew that she'd never be in actual danger, that still leaves his own ten or younger year old girl with near-rape trauma. And since he was using hypnotic magic to get Shirou to act, he could have made any close female acquaintance of Shirou the focus of it, not just Illya.

Somehow it really pisses me off that Kiritsugu's doing this to Shirou when he put so much effort into keeping Illya uninvolved with the supernatural. And Irisviel, to a lesser extent-she looks like she's upset with him, but from what we've seen of the KLPI Emiya/Einzbern family she pretty much runs the place as the God-tier. And from her giving advice to Shirou to avoid Illya, it looks like she was at the least complicit in it.

I'm guessing Kiritsugu used some hypnosis on Sella and Illya to set up the situation so that Shirou felt worse to prime conditions for him to be in a situation to summon a Persona?

I'm honestly pretty confused about why he's using Shirou in the first place... there's really nothing all that special about him in the KLPI universe other than his status as an unwitting chick magnet of even higher degrees than in canon. He's even perfectly sane.

Feh. So Shirou was half-right about getting treated worse for being the adopted child. Illya's protected entirely from anything involving the Holy Grail War, but they throw Shirou into this, destroying his reputation and making him look like a bad guy when he was keeping Shinji from molesting his sister.

To be honest, the "mysterious females" at the end of the last chapter also seemed like a terrible idea, and I was considering dropping the story. It's just as luck would have it that it turns out that was actually the last chapter in this version.

I don't think adding more people who can access the Metaverse is an intelligent idea. Things are already getting out of hand as it is with Kamoshida since you added in a Servant that made the situation far more dangerous. If a chump like Kamoshida became such a problem with a servant, how can they deal with the likes of Akechi or his father, or any of the other later enemies who are much more powerful, well-defended, and have way more resources? I don't see it happening unless you further let the story spin out of control and start involving stuff like the Clocktower to use magic to tip things back into Shirou and friends' favor.

Conceptually, the story interested me, but there's quite a lot that bugged me about it. The inconsistent spelling, the odd pacing, and some of stuff with how Kamoshida was portrayed (like he's way more obviously a terrible person, but no one really thinks anything of it, which strains my suspension of disbelief even if the whole metaverse thing has some effect on the situation) impacts the story negatively.

It's also a little boring how lacking Shirou is in training with magecraft, which is to say he has none at all. Part of what makes him interesting is that he knew a little mess around with and ended up creating Tracing in F/SN. He doesn't do that, as far as I know, in Prisma Illya but that doesn't mean it isn't something that makes him more boring than other versions of Shirou who also have that whole dramatic traumatic past to lean back on to. I'm not saying necessarily that I expected him to be like a post-Grail War Shirou, but I hoped he would have some background information to build on to give him an interesting edge. Otherwise he's mostly just another replaceable teammate surrounding Ren-the-special-boy-with-The-Fool-power-and-the-ability-to-have-multiple-Persona.

Reading about Shirou being second fiddle to other more unique people gets old after a while, yet that seems to be the default position most fan fic writers put him in. Especially in crossovers.

I hope he'll at least figure out tracing in the "real world", assuming this version of him even has circuits, because it's not like he's going to just stop getting involved in the supernatural after he helps solve the whole P5 plotline with his new friends. Not with his family being involved with the supernatural themselves. He needs an edge to be able to actually do... anything, considering his habit of throwing himself into danger to help people.

Anyway, I assumed that the reason why there's Servants in this story is that you're justifying it by the whole Mementos Treasure/Metaverse Treasure/Collective Human Cognition Treasure/whatever is a god-like being that took the form of a Holy Grail? It does make me wonder if there will be actual "Heroic Spirits" rather than outright villains like Caster Gilles. I have to doubt that Artoria would be willing to help some selfish jackass harass and subjugate people in some weird not-real world. Particularly since it doesn't seem like Gilles had any desire or expectation to receive a "Wish" from helping out Kamoshida so much as he was enjoying the opportunity to manifest in some way outside of a Grail War. So, I doubt that motivator will likely exist for Saber either. Or any other Servant with decent moral fibre like her.

Then again, there really is no shortage to the amount of Servants with rather negative personalities or desires. Fate/Grand Order especially has quite a few.

You need to work on your spelling.

cool.

It's great that you caught up to this story before posting the rewrite.

I see, well is better than let it die!

Oh well, I guess it can't be helped. I will trust your judgment as an author and stick to see the rewrite. Good luck