This is practically unreadable. Nothing interesting or exciting happens, and the dialogue isn’t good enough to keep you engaged. The love triangle thing feels ridiculous and out of place.

This Fanfiction needs a lot of work.

Kylies entire personality seems to revolve around Ash and her relationship with him. It makes for an uncharacteristic character that you don’t want to read. All of the “issues” in the story seem to be resolved by the end of the chapter and have no lasting effects. You do so many time skips that the characters keep changing and its hard to get significantly attached to them. Ash has become a bland marty sue that no one has issues with. You still haven’t really spent time explaining the technical world building stuff. Even characters that aren’t marty or mary sues are incredibly one note and uninteresting. I’m starting to notice more and more grammatical mistakes.

All the romance feels forced and unnatural. Dialogue still feels clunky and you have to work on Ash’s personality. Theres a line between mature and unrealistic that you can manage, and I don’t think you’re doing it.

Im confused on the schooling system here. You have to go to school for two years to become a trainer? And here they teach you about “the outside world”? Do these kids not know anything? Did they not take basic classes as kids? What about math or science? How did they even learn to read if they never went to school?

This chapter was incredibly confusing over all. You had an opportunity to expand your vision and show us what you thought of the Pokemon world and it feels like you kept it purposely vauge.

I’ll continue to review tomorrow as I have to go to bed. Peace. And sorry for all the negativity, I just want you to succeed.

I’m glad you addressed the thing with Jessica, that was super weird imo. I liked the battle with Chameleons trainer, and I even think it makes sense for Ash to win as we’ve well established Mankey is string for his age, but I think its super odd they yell out full sentences in battle. I don’t really have an issue with Ash doing it because he’s a newbie and it was literally his first battle, but the other guy should probably know better.

Also these are kind of just suggestions but I think it would be really awesome if you built up all of Ashs team with pokemon like mankey, just tons of Pokemon you wouldn’t normally see on his team in a fic like this. What a bout a cloyster? Onix? Victreebel? The options are endless.

Another, more serious suggestion is starting to talk more about world building. Whats your version of the Pokemon world filled with? Its traditions and historys? Its geography or regions? Filling your story up with that stuff guves it more life and more easy to read.

Its weird that you’re having a not even 13 year old date already. Maybe its just a personal opinion but it feels weird for someone to be involved i romance at such a young age. Also Kelsier is really creepy and off putting. And what happens if ash gets caught with the Pokeball? Does he get in trouble? Jail? Does oak get in trouble?

My main issue though is how the writing seems janky. The flow of the story is always off, and thats because the dialogue feels clunky and odd. Im sure you’ll improve though.

Ok for the second chapter it seems the maturity issue is even worse now. Ash could only be 13 at the most but he acts like a mature 17 year old, except for some reason not telling jenny about the stranger? Why is that?

Also did I just miss it or did you not explain why Ash isn’t a Pokemon trainer yet? Is he even planning on catching Mankey?

Despite those issues the writing is still pretty good and I think it’ll get better in time.

I’m gonna post reviews as I go through each chapter, heres my first one.

First off, I love the starter. I enjoy how your characterization of Delia is, but I am somewhat bothered by your Ash. He seems kind of too mature? If that makes sense? He just seems odd. Like an immature mid teenager not a mature pre teen (if that even makes sense)

But Ash x Kylie is such a good ship!

nice chapter

One suggestion I have is to think about phasing out sentences as the commands in pokemon battles. For example, since you have established that Mankey can fight on its own somewhat, if Ash had just said "knock it out" Mankey would have sidestepped the Growlithe on its own. It isn't very realistic for the commands to be sentences also. The battles would be too fast-paced to allow that much time.

nice chapter thx for writing it
nice with giving kylie also a pokemon dont think does feeling's will go away with both of them raising a baby pokemon.

Thanks for the chapter. Really enjoying the story so far can't wait for more

Excellent update

great story. really love the relationship between ash and monkey and ash's maturity. could turn into one of the great pokemon fics in my opinion. i can't wait to see the next chapter. keep up the great work