Interesting start, BUT you REALLY need to comb your chapters again. You have a really bad grammatical error with random inserts of ‘his’. I keep seeing it randomly in places it shouldn’t be used or just randomly there for no reason. Clean that up, and you are getting somewhere.

Elbert knew about Carazan? And democracy? I didn’t expect that. Sam’s stubborn enough- he has unfinished business to do... I think.

This chapter wasn't necessary and is just weird. The actual story is the next chapter.

Okay. I like this story. I like the premise and what's going on and I've been reading since the beginning. However, I feel that it's just dragging on so much. If you were going for a slow burn then you've got one but that's just not what I want to read. I may or may not keep reading but I'll see.

Lyn and Lani finally meet. Ken will be happy Sam’s gone. I also realized that Canas will die.

An insight we don't oft get to see of Elbert's toils, I especially like the line, "Is this the cost of democracy? The cost of liberty?" Really puts all he's fighting for into perspective and shows how stalwart he is for Lycia's future.

Not sure if Nils and Ninian are twins, I'd definitely suspected the former to be younger, though they do look a lot alike.

Ninian's an amnesiac, just like the man he met in her ger so long ago. ~ Man she met

That timing, the Black Fang have impeccable timing. Right when they were about to hunker down, too. Loving that Lyn intercepts Serra for Samuel, a bit jealous, maybe? It plays into her favor.

Lani has red eyes, huh? Did I miss it before? Distantly manakete? Now I'm very curious, it's an unusual coloring for characters in this series.

It's nice to see Lyn and Samuel fighting back to back again. Right in the thick of things. That Ninian doesn't remember her first encounter with Eliwood is a little heart-wrenching... just goes to show how difficult the trials have been for her, escaping the isle and the challenges she must have endured under Nergal.

The kiss! They were so close!

Whoa, Serra took a level in badass by smacking Uhai in the head with her staff. I agree with Priscilla- Sam’s so unlucky that he might as well be surrounded by a litter of thirteen black cats and broken mirrors. Not even a ladybug or a four-leaf clover can help him now.

Finally! Sam and Lyn made up.

I like what you've done for the descriptions of the ship sailing at entry, here, it puts to mind a grand expedition, and outset with favourable weather, though we know it's going to get rockier.

The little instances of changed motivations, given Canas knew Samuel prior—it's so good! I just love the way you're putting all these pieces together.

'a shaman I befriended back in Illia' should be Ilia

The rabbit bit stings a little given what happened in a chapter not long ago.

A heart attack?! These manipulations do have consequences. This just got real.

The force bit in the A/N was neat! I'm curious how that will be applied. Taking these in-game moments that last for less than a minute and wringing a full chapter from it is commendable.

Was that just straight 'thunder, hear my cry?' in that spellcast? Nice to see an Aion reference.

"Hey Samuel, have you thought about becoming an assassin?" Oooh, he'd be gunning for your potential fell contract, Matthew.

Hector getting even with Fargus right off the bat for that slight was amazing.

Turns out, it wasn't a bar fight he could handle... ~Never change, Samuel. I laughed pretty hard at this.

Seeing the lords crack a laugh at Hector's expense and he respond humbly was amazing, not mad enough to get on their case. He is maturing, slowly.

Noontime fight? Against his one weakness? Yeah, he's gonna die.

'Poor Rebecca has to deal with Barabbas in losers'.' Oh noo, she's too proud to give in, too. The heart-to-heart was sweet. She might be just a little slack-jawed and miffed at how he left.

He's gonna need all the luck he can get in this next match.

You fixed the typos! If it's okay, I'll continue to point them out until a beta-reader steps in and catches them. There would be a ton of information to cover over the next few months if you had kept the initial timeline. It's good to see you're extending it for the sake of the story's flow.

'Birds chirps as they tidy up their nests' ~birds chirp. Caelin is bursting with life, it must lend itself well to their populace.

'couple sleeping soundly inside a plain-looking cot.' ~ either 'soundly inside, on a plain-looking cot,' or 'soundly on a plain-looking cot'. Sounds like a rough night, but better than the ground after the day they just had.

'the castle's walls composes the walls and floor' ~castle's walls compose (plural noun? singular verb)

The first thing that comes to mind is that Kent is going to have a fit, with Lyn drifting off so close to Samuel. "It's unbecoming of your station!" He's also tried between his own place at her side, so may not voice it, if he ever learns.

'Desk stand' is jumping out at me for some reason. I suppose it'd be unusual to call it an end table, if it is just a cot.

'It follows the worm no matter where it went,' ~where it goes, in keeping with the present tense. c: Birds usually shy from people, so this was cool!

'He wonders how he'll be like' ~what he'll be like. Or, perhaps, 'how he'll fare'? I'd say 'improve' but then that'd be in conflict with the latter portion of that sentence.

'Sometimes, he just wishes he could beat their faces to prove whose boss...but alas.' Wow, this is surprisingly brassy. At least it's unvoiced, but even for internal dialogues, I expected better from you, Samuel. Tsk tsk.

'Even then, should [Samuel and Serra] end up in a scuffle, Samuel wouldn't bother to use magic. He'd use his sword instead.' I would hope not! Serra would never let him hear the end of it, drawing a blade on a poor, defenceless cleric. After all she did for him, too. Tactics, Samuel, they're your friend.

'four times if I'm not wrong." ~four times, if I'm not wrong.

Engaged! That's scandalous if not explained to the partner. Perhaps they could come to an understanding that it was not by mutual agreement if she couldn't think straight? While comically amusing, I'm not sure it will do anything more than put a strain on their relationship. Lyn loves her freedom, too.

'This marriage, must not be allowed to happen." Here come the mixed signals.

'Erk notices it too.' ~it, too.

'Samuel a death's glare' ~death glare. Heh, he's put the two together now.

'he said, "Is it though?' ~is it, though? I might just forego comma corrections. I've a heavy hand for it as it is, so take that as you will.

You're really going ham on the fourth-walling.

'at least do it you'll know will grow with you.' there's a word missing or needing to be replaced here.

'Even so, not everyone shares the same views like him...' ~as him

'Besides, whose going to' ~who is. 'Whose' is used differently. ex. 'whose occupations are unknown.' It's a bit morbid to consider he might be spending the rest of his life here in Elibe, but he doesn't have an alternative at this point.

The thought of Lyn escaping to the libraries is greatly amusing. It's a strange comfort. Perhaps a bit stifling, but to have no one able to trace her feels much within her character.

I like the bit on Florina's measures to not further injure her arm, even with the clerics at full capacity.

'Florina, since you're here do you' ~here, do you

"Yeah! Of course! What do you need...? ~this one's missing an end quote.

'like a detective' ~since they're two on a case, it should be 'like detectives.' Lyn and Florina, best detective duos?!

'Earlier that day, the lords had a meeting to discuss of actions to take from here' ~This is just personal inclination, but 'from there' reads better to me, given it's a recount of earlier conversation.

'We've discovered that Marquess Pharea' ~Pharae c:

'Lyn replied, "I...haven't the idea.' ~While grammatically correct, depending on context which doesn't apply here, this would read better as, 'I...haven't the faintest idea.' or 'I...haven't any idea.'

'or rather by a mysterious man named Nergal." ~or rather, a mysterious man named Nergal. The 'by' isn't necessary, given it's an extension of what was listed earlier.

'I already know he's a bad man," ~Replace the comma with a period, given this is the end of a paragraph.

Aw, a heartfelt moment as she recounts her reasoning with her friend. This is sweet, and then Florina grows so intense and glows in truth! 'I want you to be happy. We want you to be happy.' This entire paragraph exudes sincerity.

'Nearby on a hill top overlooking Castle Caelin...' ~Nearby, on a hilltop

Draining aura, doesn't speak directly... Magic seal!? If his subordinate here is Ephidel, it's curious he's not affected. Maybe he's not a magic user, but some unnamed morph. Gold eyes versus red for both, so this lends itself to the belief it's a different figure than the ones described in previous scenes. Curious.

"Yes, everything is going perfectly plan. Samuel..." ~going perfectly to plan. This is not what our protagonists would want to hear. He's playing into their hands and doesn't even realise it.

"but stronger foes are still out of the table." Is this a cross between 'off the table' and 'out of the question'? Either Samuel is in more trouble mentally than we'd realised, or this is a typo.

Canas and Niime haven't fallen yet but every time they pull the dark forces, it's a risk to their lives, too. Hopeful that they'll be able to have these discussions with Samuel and clear up his theories if they're reunited. It's precarious.

Having Ephidel show limited emotion as an extension of Nergal's will is fantastic. It lets them blend in more believably, pulling the strings behind the Fang. Having him pull out this card and have Samuel question his own place around Lyn struck him harder than any physical blow.

"Somehow, you've casted away" ~should be 'cast away'.

Small nitpick that kinda takes the reader out of the story is the shift in tense. More often, the story is told in past tense, but it slips into present tense in places. While it's sometimes done to heighten the effects of a battle or with preposition phrases, there are other times where it's jarring.

This, for example:
"Were they really something he did as an independent human being, or a sublime action undertaken because of a biological condition? At the outset, he wants to ignore what Ephidel was telling him..." Should be 'At the outset, he wanted to ignore what Ephidel was telling him...'

Of course, if you're too concerned with tense, it can disrupt your flow or writing, so this is just a gentle reminder that it exists.

Warp in use! This was neat to see explained, and find that it's not a property native to the morphs (despite Samuel's limited abilities)!

"I will speak with you at a latter date." ~should be 'later'. Nooooo, using Lani against him. :c

"scarcely even a scar." Oof. And this is where having an unreliable narrator is coming back to bite us. Did these events happen at all? We'll find out eventually...

"Y-You got to help me. Please..." ~You've got to help me. Poor Samuel really in dire straights, here. He doesn't have many options. They need their tactician.

"yet y-your alone." ~you're

Back in the void again! And mentions of the shaman that inhabit the plains, this just got interesting. M'am should be Ma'am, I think. The call out to Sothis' eye and his native one is curious. Alluding to the heterochromia of Idunn and the like? Having something so precious shatter just like that spooked me.

Green, white and gold. Depending on how far in the future, I could be very wrong, and the 'young' mention makes me hesitant to guess Samuel, Lyn and Lani / Florina. We'll see!

Nooo, retrograde amnesia... hopefully it's temporary. AH! He got his pocket watch back? That is something. Oh, oh, no. This is dangerously bad, forgetting his former time in Elibe and only recalling his past life in a world that's not ready for it. How confusing that's gotta be, not only for him but poor Rebecca.

Good thing she hasn't connected that he's their lieutenant. This is heartbreaking, with what transpired earlier.
Temporary memory loss! I was in a panic, that could have been explained earlier. Well, better late than never.

Lani... heart is breaking.
Hnhnh, this isn't gonna end well. Until next time!

It read pretty fluidly for me, I think the tangents here are acceptable, given how much ground there is to cover in the source material on Caelin alone before they close in on the Dread Isle.

"Dear Lord Culper" just gonna say I adore how much thought you've put into the tiniest of things! The alias for both Uther and Leila here are amazing, given their use. There's a small typo, her description should be: 'I've gone as far as to'.

Nooo, not Hausen... :c Oh, you can tell he was sympathetic to the last! Darin, guhh, I've no respect for him even from his inception in the story but it is hard to see his decent from want of power to madness. Sacrificing his son, his kingdom, there's nothing left but the tempt of Elibe itself.

Oh, whew?! Will Leila treat him? Ephidel made a mistake trusting her. It only serves to show how skilled she is.

The fallen Huey/Makar moment did not disappoint, Hector handled that like a champ. "as Rebecca and Serra cover his body in healing spells" ~Should be Priscilla for the former, there?

"On my sacaen honor" Lyn! So good! I feel Sacaen should be capitalised. And she's torn from assisting a dear friend versus her status. Not an easy path to tred.

! Oh, oh, the ear. That came out of left field. Let me guess, it's the case where the injury is so great it hardly hurts at all-ah, the indisposed route. My goodness, Samuel, what is the company going to do with you? (Starry Night references? Never thought I'd see this day.)

Kent scatters the civilians, loved that line there. He means business, if a little too strained. That said, it is nice to see how much affection the townsfolk have for their heiress.

The way Samuel leads his troops despite the odds is always a treat, funneling the enemy where they could be picked off (though tense for the few there).

But does he ever need to mind himself once in a while! This screams trap. At least he knows it, though going in on his own is reckless as ever. Little incantations of Latin, it's cool to see how this deviates from their party's fire spells to something that would synergise with Ephidel readily.

If Ephidel falls early oooh boy is Nergal going to provide an onslaught for them later once he sees Samuel as a true threat.

I know of one girl raised by the Black Fang... and here's hoping Sam and the Lycian League will treat her better.