Congrats on a very action filled and exciting chapter. Well done. I liked the pacing and the fight details. Also very strong are the descriptions of the cities. Thanks for taking time to research them, it adds nice depth to the story. Good work again.

Nice work! It’s a great start. I love seeing people’s OCs for this fandom. Manx I can tell from his first few lines seems more straight-laced and formal, as if he’s just recently left the military to pursue a career as a PMC. Still he’s not afraid to think outside the box in order to complete and objective or take down an enemy. His nickname is unique, I really like it. The Manx cat has a short tail like a bobcat, but is domesticated which I think is a good metaphor for this character. He’s obviously a powerful fighter, but is disciplined and follows the rules. I’m excited to see his partner and what you have planned for them. Thanks for sharing, I’d love to hear more about you OCs!

Thanks for the new chapter. The action is very strong and I enjoyed it. It is late right now so I will sit and re read and give a longer review as soon as possible. Congrats on the new stuff and I hope to see more soon. Well done.

I applaud your bravery in trying to have a story that takes place during such a dreadful period for this area. I too struggled with having tales that intersected with actual historic events. It is a very delicate task.

I think that once agin once you hit your stride with the action you do very strong work. Where you struggle a bit is the interactions when the scene is calm. This is a very typical dilemma. My advice is to ask...do I need this extended banter, exchange between my characters? If so how do I make it more concise, more impactful, more relevant? These a guys are wired not to be emotional. Yes, they can be, but be wary of making those interactions too sappy and having them connect too quickly. I like the dynamic with these two. What I think that maybe I am missing is a ‘depth’ of relationship here. They are pretty new to one another. Maybe instead of having Pyre cave so easily make it a bit more difficult for the tears to fall. Ugh, that sounds wrong...I just feel, and this is just me, that when you do the dialogue between the two it feels a bit soft and forced in order to cement their connection. Sorry...It might be because you action dialogue is so strong. I feel like you are shoehorning this long stretch of emotional chat in just to establish their relationship. It is good stuff, for sure. It builds backstory and developes their characters, but be wary of not sort of remembering that they are new partners. Don’t rush that relationship without ‘precedent’. Good stuff though. It definitely establishes why Pyre is so focused on killing these guys and why he is a bit out of sorts.

The action was very strong. You excel at this aspect of storytelling, so keep it up and keep growing. You do action very well. Let me break here.

Great chapter. The action is where you excel. The op seems well thought out and the pacing was strong. I liked the twist with Pyre’s lineage it added some backstory to the guys. Salem’s chatter was very well done. You seem to have a good feel for him. The details about the village and the snow were very strong, good job. Don’t forget abou5 all of your seven senses though. Smell and such..it adds to the scene. I really enjoyed this keep it going. No worries about slow posts. Real life comes first especially school.

Great addition. Keep it up. I will try for a better/more detailed comment when I can log in. Thanks for sharing your stories.

Thanks for posting. I always love to read new authors and new stories. I think it is off to a good start. I will post a longer comment when I can properly log in. Thank for sharing your work.

Congrats on another chapter. As you note it is pretty long. The details of them chosing their weapons was interesting. Oh, and the larder/leader that cracked me up. Very nice word choice. I wish that with all of my work with these guys I had thought of it. Very funny. I enjoyed their morning routine, although I think that smoothing it out, removing the time stamps, and making it more of a narrative than a list might have been a stronger method. The details about the guns and the airports was nice as well. Strong details add life to writing. Great addition to yu story. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks for adding another chapter. Interesting take on how TWO gets their teams set up. I think that the questions being closely aligned withwhat happened in Shanghai is a strong way to gain some insight into how Rios and Salem feel about Shanghai. Hopefully you discuss that at some point, since they both chose to save their partner. The dialogue is good but needs to be edited a bit for calrity. Nice addidtion.

Hello, nice start to your story. I was happy to see someone writing about the afternath of Shanghai hardly anyone has. I think that is because, as you noted, the game gave us such a confused and vacuous plot to work with. Canonically, it appears that Rios did shoot Salem in Shanghai. So that is what we have to work with. I think that you did a good job at following canon as far as how they chose Max and Peir. They would have to recruit and I think that they were have differing ideas on who was beteer suited to be a member of TWO. The action of the shooting test was well done. I think though that if you focused on Max in the maze and not Rios and Salem's banter that the maze run pacing might have worked a bit better. Then after Mx completes the test, they can tease him. The name chosing was funny and being smeone who obsesses over character name choices I enjoyed it. All in all a nice start. Thanks again for sharing your story.