Brilliantly written. I love it!

I loved it. Plus, I can imagine chibi Atemu doing that.

-MP

oh. so sweet. I luv how you made Atemu so innocent and kind...

I dont understand the meaning of the pomegranate with the shadows inside but the floods returned

(Double thumbs up) Funny. And cute.

Loved it. Little Atemu is adorable. :D

It a great first. I'm shock that you know that Akunamukanon and Akunadin are brother and Atemu and Seto are cousions. That cool.

COOL STORY! VERY Mysterious but... COOL _ Me Likie!

This story is not finished.

When the Pharaoh and his brother find the inside of the fruit is rotten, it's a wonderful forshadowing of bad things to come. This might be satisfied by the anime/manga series, but doesn't work for this piece as a story in and of itself. Something terrible comes from the Nile being flooded, much in the same way that the fruit was rotten on the inside.

I also see a fantastic chance for character development here. In the terrible things to come, a scene where Seto has to look for Atemu of his own choice might make each of them realize how much he depends on the other. Again, the fact that Seto was searching for Atemu in this chapter makes for great forshadowing and a "complete circle" effect for a larger work.

I wouldn't have had to know anything about Yu-gi-oh to enjoy this story and I hope you will continue working on it as a stand alone piece. It is a spectacularly written prologue to a larger story that only you can finish. Please, please, please do. :)

-

Nitpicks and point suggestions:

18th Paragraph: Incorporate the fourth into another so it doesn't stick out from the rest of the work. Ex. (combining with third sentence): "He delicately moved his left hand to cover the dirt stain he'd gotten on his robe while searching for Atemu in the garden."

29th Para.: Word choice. "Atemu crushed his face" makes me think he's broken his nose now. Try a different work with an affectionate connotation. Ex. "Atume pressed his face against his father's chest"

Watch out for run-ons.

Man...o_O Talk about a cute but seriously creepy child...

I still love chibi-Atemu, though, even though he's kinda freaky. Because he just wants to help out! _ (he just has an...UNUSUAL way of helping...)

wow. _ so cute. _ i love the story... very original. keep it up! _

MOG:So cute! And sweet! Chibi-fied Yugioh charictors! {Hugs chibi Seth}

So cute! Especially Atemu's last line. _
And wouldn't you know it, the people have character (since "the characters have character!" might sound weird)! That's always a bonus. :D

wow...this was so damn good! Hope will continue if not i'd be upset! ;)
November Rain (too lazy to login ;)

Very amusing! *bows* I like it a lot!