I like it. Character development is well set up, and your descriptions are good. I'd love to see Doku get involved on a platonic level with Yaone too, you know, so she knows at least more than one person at school.

Nice story on one of my fave anime pairs...is the story over or are you updating another chapter?

great idea~~

but hey...i sorta hate yaone being not 'so pretty' in the story...would you please~omegai...give her a make over?

I don't know why, I just can't stand her current condition...

I've this wonderful picture of her & Kougaiji becoming the most popular pair in school...

Anyway, do hurry~ you kept us waiting for quite some time already.

Oh You must update soon! This is a great Plot!

please write more i cant wait

Cute story. I hope you plan to add more to this.

You've got a good story idea here and a good alternate universe.

The thing you've really got to work on though is your descriptions, When you describe Kougaji as being popular with lots of friends, don't put it into those exact words. Show it with other descriptions. It sounds too stiff to outright say things.

Silver Mist4 has a good idea of what he/she is talking about when it comes to descriptions.

"Brushing purple hair away from sad saffron eyes for a better view of her feet, Yaone carried her bookbag up the crumbling steps of her high school. It was only seven thirty on the first day back from summer vacation, so few people witnessed her tall form ascend to the main entrance, clashingly clad in a thick, creamy sweater and a red checkered skirt that reached a few inches below her knees. Her ogerish outfit was completed by a pair of black socks that crawled up past her skirt and a set of worn brown clogs which clunked heavily against the concrete ground. Lifting her eyes for a moment, she unwittingly met the sneering ones of her earlybird classmates and couldn't help but be reminded of the same superior gleem that was in them last year, and the year before that, and the year before that, too..."

That example that Mist4 sent you really does show you how to describe a person without saying things up front. Saying things up front is a rather bland way of putting it, that doesn't do much to inspire the imagination.

The bit about Yaone's family is a nice touch and her family's pharmacy did show there are some times to the TV show, but some things have changed as well.

And when people see someone they consider an outcast the don't really just say, "oh she's an outcast'. They usually try and beat around the bush a bit. Simply saying, she's an outcast or he's the most popular boy in school dosen't really show as much as proper description can. And it will be more enojoyable.

But aside from the description the story idea is nice and though the dialogue is sometimes stiff, it is a decent story. I'd like to see where it goes.

Sweet, I love it. When they go down town they should run into Hakkai. And then all three could shop hang out the works ('cause Hakkai was always nice to Yaone)

aw cute story! o_o I really like it so far. please hurry and try to make the rest! Its soo kawaii~

plz update! i luvin' it!WHOOT..WHOOT!

blackz

wh00, nice story! I like it so far! Please updat esoon, i love all different pairings!

Interesting story you've got here. I suggest that you keep going with this one. I can't wait to see the other characters show up. Please update soon.

It's a great idea, and very cute! I just love it!

Some suggestions... ok, um... ok, I have one. It's just something that will make the story funner to read, you know?

Try making the sentances a bit longer, vary their structure, ya? For example, don't start off every sentance with "She [did this]". Also, some of your sentances would read better as clauses or gerunds. So, lets look at the first paragraph.

"Yaone stood, carrying her school bag in front of the old school’s gates. Yaone was a tall young lady with long purple hair and beautiful saffron eyes. She wore a thick, cream colored sweater, a long, red checkered skirt the reached a few inches below her knees, a pair of black knee length socks and a pair of old brown shoes. It was seven thirty in the morning when she arrived and not many students had arrived yet. Yaone closed her eyes for a moment and recalled the events that had happened the year before."

1) The first sentance is very nice, but slightly confusing. Either she's standing or she's walking, you know? And she can't be walking sitting down, right? Also, there's a repetition of "school", and "old" isn't very descriptive.

2) The second sentance repeats "Yaone". So here, it would be nicer to start off with "She", or better yet combine it with the previous sentance. Since we know who Yaone is, you don't need to go into so much detail.

3) I love the description! I can totally see her now.

4) This could be added to the first sentance while you're giving the setting, so it isn't split up. Also, you repeat "arrived".

5) This is very sudden and feels a tad rushed. There should be a transition or something. What would cause her to think of this? Normally, people wouldn't remember unpleasant memories unless forced to, ya?

So... Of course you don't have to follow this criticism, and I hope it didn't come out to harsh because I really do love your story... The paragraph may flow better like this:

Brushing purple hair away from sad saffron eyes for a better view of her feet, Yaone carried her bookbag up the crumbling steps of her high school. It was only seven thirty on the first day back from summer vacation, so few people witnessed her tall form ascend to the main entrance, clashingly clad in a thick, creamy sweater and a red checkered skirt that reached a few inches below her knees. Her ogerish outfit was completed by a pair of black socks that crawled up past her skirt and a set of worn brown clogs which clunked heavily against the concrete ground. Lifting her eyes for a moment, she unwittingly met the sneering ones of her earlybird classmates and couldn't help but be reminded of the same superior gleem that was in them last year, and the year before that, and the year before that, too...

Yeah, I'm not sure if that works or not... but do you get the idea? Great story so far. Please update soon!

I liked ot a lot. You should continue, I wanna hear more. n.n

This story is rather cute.