A nicely done one shot. Great for just a simple quick fix.

"All evil beware as the golden doberman is hear to rain justice upon you! I am-!"

*See's Haseo and Alkaid*

"WTF?"

Aww, it was short, sweet, and had some nice jabs throughout. I liked it alot :D

I hope you write more for this series... and especially more Alkaid-centered things~

Keep it up!

um...wow. That was amazing! I am extremely impressed! I really hope you continue this. It definately has the potential to be an awesome fanfic. Possibly one of the best i have read.(this could be biased just because i am a HUGE fan of the HaseoXAlkaid/RyouXChika pairing.) Keep up the amazing work!

-TnO

hey that was great can u make my

cute

I’m trying to keep away from anything that would spoil the story for me and the characters may seem a bit OC

[I think you mean “OOC” for Out Of Character, as OC in fandom generally means “Original Character”, but I understand your concern.]

The Rogue let’s out a sigh after thinking on what he was doing,

[Let’s is a contraction of “let us”, I believe your intention is “lets” for the present tense?]

They have been doing this since the two of them had started to get along after Atoli had nearly became a Lost One,

[To better fit the flow, I think “they _had_” would be better.]

but his eyes had adjusted after a while.

[A while is a long time. Does he just wait a moment?]

He didn’t pay the setting any mind and moves on,

[If he doesn’t pay any mind, how are the details coming out? Granted, this is third person limited (which is a very solid choice for writing), which means details can be given even if the character doesn’t notice, but I think the narrative would be better served by saying that he didn’t give it any more attention or thought, rather than implying he doesn’t pay _any_ attention to it.]

What could see be doing that takes so long?”

[What could _she_ be doing?]

Haseo begun to think on that happened over the past few weeks since he had joined G.U.

[Haseo _began_ to think _over_ the happenings over the past few weeks?]

the guilt of using her as Shino’s replacement had cemented his feet to the floor.

[He was definitely in shock, but the accusation that he was using her as Shino’s replacement never seemed to be canon true to my understanding. That may have been how it appeared, and how Ovan manipulated it, but she was just a healer, not a substitute Shino in any manner other than being a party member. Haseo seemed to be more in shock that Ovan would go off and spill the story about the rouge’s first love to somebody that he’s still not comfortable with.]

He wouldn’t know what would happen if either of them got hurt again. . . .

[If this was really written before Vol2, I have to give you a round of applause for seeing and portraying this part of Haseo which I think was only hinted at in .Hack/Roots and barely if at all remembered in Vol1.]

The Rouge couldn’t explain why he was now thinking of her all of a sudden.

[That...actually didn’t come out of no-where, there was what I would say is minor precedence in Vol1 (much more in Vol2), but it seemed to leap out of the narrative.]

These kind of feelings never appeared when he first met her in Icolo.

[Of course, neither knew each other at the time, and she was acting like a pompous ass in an attempt to intimidate her future competition.]

He took a seat on the edge of the fountain and grabbed a handful of his light grey hair. Shouting up to the heavens above and being thankful that no one was around to hear him.

“SHE IS JUST A FRIEND!”

[

and begun to walk over to the nearest Transporter.

[and _began_?]

and slowly walks her way to the Central District.

[To maintain verb tense, this should say _walked_.]

The Twin Blade comes out of the hallway and

[The general narrative appears to be written in the past tense. To maintain that, the sentence should read _came_.]

golden Twin Blades. Giving her increased speed and powerful attacks.

[Since the latter is a sentence fragment, I’d merge it with the previous sentence.]

and he never even showed up to the ceremony the ungrateful scrum.

[The structure of the sentence makes it look like a natural pause should be after ‘ceremony’, which begs a comma.]

She may have never gotten her fame back herself, only to have to watch Haseo gain it himself by cheating the same way Endrance did.

[The beginning segment give the sentence a conciliatory tone, but the latter is quite definitely tinged bitter. As such, I’d recommend something more concise like ‘She never did get her shot back at fame’. Not a large change, but I think it transitions a little better.]

it was better that he got the title besides Endrance.

[_than_ would fit much better than _besides_, which looks a little awkward.]

She didn’t have a clear answer for why she gets this way, but it does.

[Drifting into present-tense when the dominant tense of the story is past-tense.]

She would often get light headed and butterflies would appear in her stomach.

[And if this line was written before Vol2 than you deserve a double applause for catching nearly her exact wording.]

The question was left unanswered as the Twin Blade regained herself

[_recomposed_ herself?]

and continued her advancement to the Dome,

[_advance_ to the dome?]

After Haseo accepts Alkaid’s invite,

[Present tense.]

but this time it was intentional. As the Twin Blade wanted to keep any interaction with Haseo to a minium.

[I think the flow and grammar would be better served by combining these two sentences.]

So he wouldn’t be looking at her.

[Possibility of overuse of “look”. I’d recommend a little rephrasing and using ‘gaze’ instead.]

So his gaze wouldn’t fall on her.

normally when asked a question like that he would either make a smart ass remake or

[smart ass _remark_?]

sudden feelings relating to Haseo and

[The story before indicates that she’s been feeling affection for him for a while, so I think the narrative would be best served by clipping this segment out.]

Before opening it’s menu she turns to Haseo.

[Word confusion – though I see this one pretty often. “It’s” is the contraction of “it is”, always. “its” is the possessive of “it”. If in doubt, write out “it is” and if it doesn’t make sense, then “its” belongs.]

a small hill over near the bridge to the next island.

[The ‘over’ seems superfluous.]

That was what gained Alkaid’s attention the most.

[Or, more simply, ‘what gained her attention’.]

as she got an idea

[_Gained_ an idea?]

She jogs toward the hill

[Present tense.]

because my broadsword and scythe because their length.

[The first ‘because’ is superfluous, and I think there’s an ‘of’ missing after the second ‘because’.]

Haseo thought in his mind.

[Wow, he didn’t think in her mind? Reducing this to “haseo thought” would take away opportunities for smartasses like me.]

and follows the red haired Twin Blade.

[Present tense, and missing hyphen in the compound “red-haired” adjective.]

the Rogue leaps above her

[Present tense: should be ‘leapt’.]

The former Emperor leaped

[leapt]

the background singled that the fight had begun.

[The background music, or the fading of the graphic background from visibility?]

with blinding speed she charged Haseo with her blades ready to strike.

[I think the sentence does well enough with just the segment leading up to ‘haseo’, if she charges with her blades not ready to strike then she’s pretty stupid.]

towards his upper right corner

[This looks like a long way to say:]

towards his upper-right

[or]

in a rising counter-clockwise slash.

as Alkaid jumped back enough distance to escape.

[Your fight scene is pretty good, but remember that in a fight shorter is better. ‘jumped back’ gets the point across well.]

leaped in the air,

[leapt?]

and spun his body in a full three sixty.

[Shorter is better. ‘his body in a full’ isn’t strictly necessary.]

crashed, and landing on the floor in a heap.

Using an Art was out of the question has Haseo could simple counter it with his own.

[Though she could pull a skill to move himself within his range, countering doesn’t appear to be usable outside of the arena. Admittedly, this isn’t explicitly stated in the canon, so it can go which ever way you want.]

but shook the idea off

[Shook off his shock or surprise, since you use ‘idea’ only four words earlier?]

when the scythe passed her by

[The ‘by’ is unnecessary.]

The Terror of Death was shocked and looked at Alkaid with his eyes wide open.

[I’d have more shortly said that his eyes snap wide.]

She only smiled and rammed her elbow into Haseo’s,

[Wouldn’t ramming her elbow into Haseo’s stomach be a much stronger way of getting him to loosen his grip? It would also cause him to stumble back, which would open the possibility of a kick, a move which has been done numerous times in Roots and according to the level of movement in the non-gameplay movies is probably possible.]

The Twin Blade planted her hand on the Rogue’s face and shoved back into the wall again,

[Though this reminds me of the fight scene between Haseo and Azure Kite, Alkaid can’t cause explosions that break protect. Personally, I’d have written a kick, though there are a number of other moves using the arms, head, shoulders, anything else inspired by various martial arts.]

and one attack could due a large number on Alkaid’s HP.

[Word confusion: uses “due” instead of “do”.]

“Rengeki: Sword Dance!”

[Since she was down, wouldn’t it be a regular art? It takes a number of blows to snap up the rings for a Rengeki, even if Alkaid has the perfect blades to do it, she doesn’t saw into him.]

images of Alkaid popped up which startled the Rogue.

[She’s right in front of him, why would her image in her mind’s eye make him falter? It’s more often direct (perceived) physical proximity to a loved one that makes humans do stupid things.]

regardless of who it was!

[I think this is very much in character, though I feel your following sentence saying that merely him thinking of her makes him fail causes him to seem wishy-washy and weak, the former is somewhat him due to his desire to protect his friends but his inability to fully adapt to the present, but the latter is simply not him. He wouldn’t be ‘accidentally holding back’, he’d be consciously aware that every blow he pulls back a little, every swing he draws in, every lunge he thrusts half-heartedly and he’d know if not clearly self-acknowledge that it’s because it’s her.]

She could see that was angry

[that _he_ was angry?]

but for some reason she was doing a sloppy job during the whole fight.

[The ‘for some reason’ sentiment has been dealt with above and below, stating it outright like this I think weakens the subtle strength of the idea.]

She would have owned Haseo

[I’ve seen “owned”/”pwned” too many times in poor chatspeak writings to be able to see this here when your writing has been so strong up until now. ‘Defeated’, ‘crushed’, ‘mopped the floor with’, something along those lines, but despite the fact that they’re in an online world I just don’t think the chatlikespeak fits.]

but what she got was the images of Haseo from before.

[Haseo’s right in front of her. If her affection for him is the problem, then I think focusing more on him before her, just a little out of arm’s reach…blah blah would be more effective than saying ‘images from before’. Images from before are how people carry rage, seethe, to my understanding it’s more often associated with such negative emotions.]

That could have been the reason, it just couldn’t be!

[A positive, colliding with a negative?]

in blind fury.

[I think that ‘misdirected’ fury would be more appropriate, though since neither of them have yet consciously admitted their affections it is understandable that the narrative might not state it thusly.]

as the thoughts in their minds

[And the blushes on their faces…]

then used his free dagger to cut the Twin Sword in her gut.

[To _stab_ the twin blade?]

Alkaid take in the hit

[take _in_ the hit? You mean just “take the hit”?]

She jumps up in the air and kicks Haseo right in the head like a soccer ball,

[

crossing her arms

[Present tense.]

when his gauge was refilled,

[Concise is better in a fight scene: I’d take out the ‘was’.]

Alkaid’s HP was lowered down by a hurtful fifteen percent.

[Fifteen percent? That’s it? If it was knocked down _to_ fifteen percent then ouch, but by only 15 percent sounds like finishing a Limit Break on the Ruby Weapon in FF7. Or you could only say that her health drops to a sliver or something else nonspecific like that.]

and let his weapon’s teeth tear the former Emperor apart.

[I think ‘tear through’ would look better than ‘tear apart’, the latter just sounds a little more gruesome and breaks up the ‘I’m holding back on you’ mentality you were building up.]

girl rushes towards her opponent.

[Present tense.]

The Terror of Death preparing himself

[Present tense.]

Alkaid dives in and raps her arms around him,

[Present tense.]

into theslope

[Missing spacing – possibly a result of QuickEdit’s evil (see QKEC on my profile for more info on that).]

and tumbling down it.

[Present tense.]

Both trying to cut the other along the way.

[So are they tumbling with her arms wrapped around him, or are then rolling and slashing at each other? They can’t be doing both, and I’m confused as to what’s going on from the narrative description.]

and was instantly entranced by them.

[I think the issue above had been that her eyes were in the present, continuing tense, entrancing him, not that he only now sees her.]

He knew they were just CGI,

[In the back of his mind, or in a more forefront consciousness sort of way?]

He now could see

[The ‘now’ disrupts grammar and tense.]

The Rogue could hear himself shouting to get up.

[You mean a part of his conscious mind is shouting at him to get up, but the majority is saying ‘no, let’s sit here staring into those big, pretty eyes’?]

Those ruby red eyes had literally chained her in place.

[They hadn’t literally, they figuratively had her chained. Literally would look weird (chains coming out of Haseo’s eyeballs…).]

Being this close to Haseo gave Alkaid the chance to see past his blood stained image and how handsome he was.

[She already saw past that, now she was just close enough and had time enough that there wasn’t an excuse to hide behind. Kinda’ like canon more clearly implied in Vol2.]

A loud voice in her head shouting at her

[Present tense.]

But the voice was fading away

[_faded_ away?]

making it harder for Alkaid to get off the Rogue.

[She’s already not moving, I think the issue is that the passing time makes it harder for her to _consider_ getting off the Rogue.]

Her nerves were calming themselves now,

[‘Themselves’ is unnecessary, I think the flow would be a little smoother without.]

she wanted to keep staring into Haseo’s eyes more.

[The ‘more’ seems pretty superfluous to me.]

still unable to move for unknown reasons.

[The reasons are known, if not outright acknowledged. To reflect this, I’d remove ‘for unknown reasons’. The more concise statement also has better flow and transition.]

“Alkaid, what are you. . .”

[Even an interrupted interrogative needs to have its punctuation mark, the ? after the ellipsis.]

The Rogue’s was silence by Alkaid as she

[I’m not sure if the possessive/contraction tacked onto Rogue was intentional, but it just doesn’t belong. And ‘silence’ should be past tense to match the story’s overall tense.]

Haseo’s eyes were wide open while Alkaid kept her’s shut.

[Haseo’s eyes _opened wide_ while Alkaid…?]

instead he could feel his chest warm up

[A spreading warmth in his chest?]

Her conscious

[consciousness?]

This is what her feelings have been telling her this whole time.

[feelings _had_ been?]

The Twin Blade could only imagine just what Haseo was thinking right now,

[The fact that he’s tensed, and probably relaxed again should pretty clearly indicate what he thought. By the way, again present-tense crops up when the general story looks to be past-tense.]

wanted to break away from the kiss.

[To avoid repetition, I’d stop at ‘away’ and clip the rest of the sentence. The feeling is strong enough, you don’t need to say it again. That’s a good thing.]

Alkaid was couldn’t either.

[The ‘was’ is superfluous.]

He tried her best not to laugh

[_she_ tried?]

that he was beginning more emotions

[That he was _feeling_ more emotions?]

For I’m. . .”

[The one person that every single fan wants dead.]

both spotted their weapons on the floor.

[This would be another option to end this section. The plotting smile works too, but I personally would have ended it by that.]

Haseo layed his hand

[_laid_?]

She went back to how the went,

[To how the event went? To the event? I have no idea what this is supposed to be.]

No one would believe either if

[No would would believe _her_?]

see took one look of the town before her.

[took one look _at_ the town?]

This was surprisingly done, and I still don’t believe you when you say you didn’t play Vol2. The similarities with Alkaid were amazing (though the ambivalence of Haseo is an obvious ploy by the story writers to open any of the marriage events). If you want my opinion, though I’m still waiting for Vol3 in the mail I think that the canon indicates that Alkaid takes the top spot. This story was interesting and pretty well in-character, though I think there was a little too much of a schizophrenic ‘I’m thinking this no I’m not thinking this!’ People have a surprising level of understanding, even if they won’t consciously say it even to themselves, something hinted at in the series and something hinted at again in the story, though I don’t think enough was done with that ‘unacknowledged yet known truth just beneath the surface’. All in all, I’d still say that this was a well-done story. Thanks for posting it on , or I never would’ve found it, I had fun critiquing and hope that my suggestions are helpful.

God bless and happy writing,

Ganheim

I LOVE IT!

Can't wait for the sequel!

Is it gonna be multi-chapter or one-shot?

message me D

favorited. that's some good work there. if you're gonna make a second chapter, please reply. i'd REALLY like to see another chapter because this is so darn good.

this is the second HaseoxAlkaid fic I've read and by far is the best one. Great Job

Greetings Twilight Nexus, this is Mr. Lee. Being a veteran dothaker myself, I've been in the mood to read .Hack G.U. fics with my favorite pairing for Haseo, Alkaid and Shino (In that order.). This one certainly did not disappoint. This was an awesome HaseoxAlkaid fic :)! It almost makes me wish that they could actually kiss in The World ;). Great job :)! Looking forward to your other two HaseoxAlkaid projects. See you soon :)! Later :)!

)...

Its not every day that you see a fricken awesome HaseoxAlkaid fic, actually this is like the only complete fic ive read, ive only read like 3 altogether, and this one totally takes the cake, the fight was very discriptive and thank GOD they got to beat the crap out of Piros at the end, good job over all and keep up the good work.

Don't worry to fiercely about them being OOC. Maybe kinda slightly, but not to the point that its even partially distracting. Besides, Haseo is so fickle at times, god only knows what emotion he might be heaping out when the next scene comes.

YAY! God I love this pairing. So much to work with when one looks it over. After all, they are rather alike. They, like all good couples, have some glaring differences, but they share some key qualities too. It's nice.

Liked the ending there. Rather nice and smooth delivery that didn't break the motion of the story. And of course, a good old fashioned Piros beat down always serves as a decent segue into a closing scene. So sorry Slow Doberman, but you picked a bad time to run into "He of fair eyes."

Spot on work! I enjoyed it very much. I think my favorite part to the whole thing was watching it unfold the way it did. Both of them slowly falling apart under their conflicting emotions was very well done and quite funny in its own way. Twas a fun read, thank you for it.

-Insaneiac the Maniac

PS: Bonus points for the spot on Piros entrance by the way.

wonderful story. i love haseoXalkaid. u shood really continue this. keep up the great work