I'm still mad that hinata died

I really like this pairing . I really enjoy your story so far :D

Lord help my soul!

Let me level with you hun:

The grammar. I was so distracted by the misplacement of commas and periods that I was near insanity. I'm a perfectionist, so for you, take it down a notch and that's how bad it is. Which is still pretty bad. Spend some quality time with an Enlish textbook and my fourth grade teacher: you just must learn something valuable.

There is no plot. I dont know how you did it, but you made it so I cannot even begin to fathom what this sprouted from. Think of it as a timeline: calm events first, conflict second, rising action third, climax fourth, and falling action fifth. You were missing the calm events, rising action, and even a real conflict. I'd say that you should take the time to plan the whole story out first so that you don't lose any of these elements. And don't try to jam every important event into one chapter. Divide and add detail.

Details, details, details. Yours are missing. She found a room. It was huge. She liked it. It's like we're having a phone conversation. Slow down, and describe things with EMOTION. All passion is gone from this piece. Everything is in black and white. How does she feel about the situation? That was not explained. It was just this happened, and then this, and then this, and then this...No one wants to read something that shows that even the writer wasn't interested. You cannot improve until you show the passion that caused you to write this.

The potential is definitely there, but there is still no PASSION. I cannot stress this anymore than I already have: without passion, a story simply becomes words on paper or a computer screen. They have no meaning without it. The job of a writer is to give these simple words something that makes them meaningful. Something that will change the way people look at things that would merely be shrugged off by the common man. Passion springs from inspiration, some intellect, hard work, and the real love of making simple words mean something so different. The love of being a writer.

My advice? Scrap this, start fresh with the same idea in mind, but put your heart and soul into it. Put yourself in the main character's place, and imagine that you really are them. Take this deeper than you thought possible, and then, find your passion again.

lol love the part when she pokes his face looking 4 the snozze botton lol

awwwweeee lol

awesome you know im from hawaii! hehe

wow i would love to be rich!

its an alright fic but ive srrn this plot before honey check ur grammer and ur story will work better.

ugg hate cliffies but i didnt like this chapter, i mean dnt get me wrong i luv the story but im like in Luv with ItaSaku so like i wuz kinda pissed that itachis such an ass in this fanfic

im going to stab you in the face because your story makes my brain hurt, oh yeah, and it SUCKS ASS!

"Because you suck at waking me up."

. favorite line.

aw! awesome story! kinda sad when Hinata died though... :'(

lol!

There were alot of spelling and punctuation mistakes in this.

With the IM part of this story, I don't think you should have written it the way you did. It was difficult to undersand and very unprofessional.

Rather than writing:

Blue-Eyes147 - HEYY r u dere?

Cherry-Rocker122 - yessa

You could have written:

Hinata turned on the computer and logged onto IM. Her screen name was Blue-Eyes147. She clicked on Sakura's screen name, Cherry-Rocker122, and quickly typed. 'HEY! are you there?'

After a few seconds she received a reply from sakura, 'Yes.'

It still shows the same meaning, but it is written more detail. What i wrote was very simple and described only the most important points. Oh, and I purpously wrote "HEY! Are you there?" instead of "HEYY r u dere?" because it was an actual sentece.

When writing stories NEVER under any surcumstances ignore the rules. Even if it is just a fanfiction.

Sorry i'm really picky. I like the story line so far.

I didn't notice before, because I was half asleep, but you have alot of grammar mistakes in this story.

You might want to proof read it.

Other than that i like it so far.

That was funny! i'm definately enjoying this.

I'd like to ask permission to use the word crapdamntacular.