I just recently happened upon your story. I love it so much, I read the whole thing in one go! It is unquestionable you have a knack for storytelling. This work is definitely the best piece of Diablo fanfiction I have ever read and I think with a little bit of editing it could be publishable (if fanfiction becomes a publishable medium).

I have never read a Diablo fanfiction where an author has made me care about the characters they have created. You’re just working from some pixels on a screen and a set of skills and yet I genuinely feel things towards your characters which I think is the main reason that makes this piece so remarkable. I found a quote by Ernest Hemmingway that I think better explains it for me: “When writing a novel a writer should create living people; people, not characters. A character is a caricature.” In this case, I feel like your story features people and not caricatures. I love that since it is such a vast array of personalities, we the readers, get to view a lot of clashing and cooperating among the group dynamic. They function as a real group would, bickering and commiserating and overcoming. I sense that it will be a rough road ahead; that their loyalties will challenged and the bonds they have formed will become strained. I like that I can extrapolate this from what you’ve written.

I also feel grateful there is a story really ABOUT the characters here. It isn’t all about the fighting. I think you’ve struck the right amount of character storylines and game storylines to make it interesting and new but also true to the cannon. For instance the Rogue Amazon challenge at the beginning of the story I thought was kind of an interesting take as an event that doesn’t happen in game, but can imagine would exist in the Sanctuary world. Another was an actual demonic conversion. I noticed there was supposed to be a juxtaposition between the two rogues stories as in one corrupted rogue wanted to come back and the other did not, reinforcing the point that anyone can be forgiven if that’s what they truly want (perhaps a theme for our resident, grouchy necromancer friend?). I did think there were parts of these two stories that felt a little too similar (in the case of dialogue and in blood relationships), if that makes sense. Otherwise though, a nice addition to the tale.

What I find is true for most writers in this category is that there is such a rush to get through the quests and face the big bads. Because of this, character development is often secondary at best and the pacing is usually completely off. I’m really glad you took time with each quest. It felt believable. It never felt rushed. I appreciate the first person narrative, no small task, balanced brilliantly while able to keep tabs of all ten (and sometimes more) characters.

There’s also the fact that you’re attempting to tackle the entirety of the Diablo II story, which, as far as I know has not been done before (or at least not on this scale). I am eager to read the next act and I can’t help but wonder how far in advance you’ve got this thing figured out.

The actual prose regarding the demon hunting/killing is stellar. It is clear you have a very full understanding of all the character classes which is better than I can say for most Diablo fiction out there. I notice you feature a lot of the skills that aren’t so prolific in the game such as Attract and Inner Sight etc. This again, shows your familiarity with the genre. The highlights, for me, were the battles at Tristram and with Andariel. I was impressed to see the use of the Horadric Malus as a magical conduit. I also loved the deft aversion of many of the more tedious areas (The Tower and the Catacombs). It’s detail like such as this that makes this story so outstanding. I was surprised to find myself actually being excited or nervous at certain points.

I hope it is not out of line for me to mention possible areas improvement? I do think there are just a few areas that could use a little bit of work. For instance, sometimes the narrators perhaps use a little more exposition than necessary. The best example I can think of for this is that the necromancer tells us, the readers, a number of times that God does not exist. I understand for him to repeat it to the other characters since they repeatedly say things in opposition to this. However, because he tells them with such frequency I don’t think in his narrative, where he is explaining things to the audience it is necessary. An example of this is Chapter 8: “It must have been holy light, for the paladin seemed to be channeling some higher energy (I do not believe in his God. He casts spells like the rest of us) as well as magnify his confidence and great faith.” Chapter 19 as well: “I knew it to be the hand of some sorcerer, because Gods, the God of Zakarum or otherwise, did not exist.”

And while most of the dialogue I find rather charming and witty, (Chapter 7 for instance: "And you Piricus, aren't these women your type? Necrophilia must be a common practice among undesirable necromancers!" "Oh yes warrior, well at least they are women. I don't have to find my satisfaction among other witless men,") there is the occasional repetitive or rough area where the conversation seems a little choppy (that is a character will start a thought and then quickly diverge; either by asking a different question or comment on something else entirely. While not unnatural to thought, it seems to disrupt the flow of the spoken word).

Just as an example of this in Chapter 8 the druid says, “That would be a good thing to know, along with one more thing. What's so special about that teal skeleton?” There is something slightly awkward about this sentence, maybe the “along with one more thing” as a transitional phrase? I’m not sure. I feel like when a character derails a thought there needs to be a reason for it – maybe that it needs narrative between one thought and the other (eyes widening, a look of realization, etc.)

I see you also have the thing that pretty much every writer, myself included, has; you have certain phrases or words you like and use them often. Most instances are perfectly unnoticeable but I saw the word bluntly overused in a few areas that I don’t think necessitated it. Bluntly, to me, should accompany a statement that is either harsh or shocking, usually used when delivering very bad or very important news quickly. For instance saying, “You’re fat,” would be a blunt statement, but something like, “Let’s go” I don’t think would be.

A lot of times I think you use it to mean “simply,” or “plainly.” Just a few examples of this are:
Chapter 17: “You weren't kiddin' that is a climb," he stated bluntly.
Chapter 18: "I'll live," he said bluntly as he straitened himself out. And "What? Where? I don't see anything," the sorceress said bluntly.
Chapter 19: "I'd rather focus on the battle," the amazon said bluntly.

I noticed a similar misuse of the word sarcastic at times. Most of the time it’s used correctly, but there are occasions, usually when the necromancer is speaking, that it is used when it is perhaps not appropriate.
For instance in Chapter 6, he says, ""Watch your back amazon. I'm not feeling so charitable as to do this twice in one day," I said with my usual sarcasm.” Since sarcasm usually implies the opposite of what you’re actually saying, this is an instance where I don't think he's being sarcastic. I think because he does usually have so many sarcastic remarks, it may have become a bit of a default to use the word sarcastic when describing his speech or mannerisms.

The only other thing worth mentioning is that the last chapter seems a little scant – perhaps in the excitement of finishing, some of the description got glazed over.

I hope you won’t take this as me being overly critical – I realize this was written five years ago (or possibly more, judging on the fact that I believe you said you republished it?) and you have likely grown as a writer since then. I was merely hoping to lend a few pointers to help iron out and finesse this piece if that is an interest of yours in the future. I apologize for the length of this review as well, but I figured anything that had over 200,000 words must have taken a lot of time and thought and I figured it was best to reply in turn.

Thank you for such a compelling piece of fiction and I look forward to reading the next installment shortly.

May I just say that I have started reading this recently and it is very well-written. Keep up the good work!

Wow. It's been YEARS, like 5 years since you updated this thing!

Well I really came here for the Piricus and Chyemme and skipped over everything else. Can we get a Piricus Chyemme epilogue please? XD

Wow. I don't usually spend much time on Diablo fics, but this had me hooked.

I've got updates piling up for some of my favourite stories, but I couldn't be bothered while reading this.

The characters took shape really well, if I did find the names a bit odd. You're pretty good at adapting the game universe into a realistic one of your own.

It was pretty interesting also, to hear the tale told from two contrasting first-person perspectives. Gave a nice rounded narrative and switching between Chyemme and Piricus made the alternating chaps refreshing.

Love what you started here.

Thanks for the read, and take care.

-PC

This is a very well written story and I look forward to reading the sequels. However there are a few things that bugged me about it. Mainly lore related things as I'm very big into that.

The Zhan-Esu is the female mage clan and while I am not sure where the Diablo 1 Sorcerer came from, it couldn't have been the Zhan-Esu. The other big thing is that Necromancers were tasked by Trag 'Oul and Rathma to uphold the balance of the mortal realm. It's because of the fact that they don't fear death that the Assassins would never go after them, because the Priests of Rathma would never fall to corruption.

You should probably read up on the Classes... There are several Diablo 2 Fansites that you could use for this as most of them got their information from Blizzard's Fansite pack things.

Damm, i thought that you would use the infamous iron madien curse here

Damm this was good. The barb could have a better personality though. I dont think that Barbs are timid.

Kashya's attitued has been described very nicely. I hope more battles are ahead, for i liked reading your battle sequences.

The thing i find almost in all of the diablo ffs, is that the main character dont know what is a healing portion or a mana portion. I mean, they should at least have some knowledge of it?

This is good going. Managing all the characters is tough...

Damm good!

YAY! thankies for continuin' this story! i saw blade of the priestess in the deltora section and loved it but i was crushed when it didnt continue, sad i know, but then i saw chyemme and Piricus in the description for sands of ages and looked for other stories by you and bam! i found this.

back to the point of a review :D

you did a great job in using the whole backround for each character class to your advantage and i burst out laughing reading some of Piricus' comments at Vendra's expence. i cant wait to start reading sands of ages so im gonna go and start it kep writin'!

a bursting with excitement

-tash

i loved it! i think this the most remotely epic fic on the very face of this whole freaking category! do continue the sands of ages and kurast...need help on the titles of the books just ask me but for the content...no...it would make the purpose of reading this epic masterpiece seem like bullshit...or probably worse. Either way, FREAKING GOOD JOB!

Suprisingly original and very intresting story, cant wait for continuation in the desert, good job!

:o that was awesome

took a long time to read too which was good :D

with 3/4 more to go aswell :)

very much looking forward to it

I just finished reading this story and I am so wanting to read the rest of it. I love the necromancer and the amazon their characters rock and parts made me laugh. Keep up the great work and I will definitely be looking back for the second installment :) I also love the Diablo world.