hmm maybe I need to watch the anime again... but what was kenshin's response to Hiko exactly? At this line,

" And the response he got was so naïve, so empty of all hatred and disgust and scorn normally reserved for him and him only, so grateful his tone, it made him want to puke."

perhaps you can point me to the correct episode? thanks alot for interesting read though!

I really like this fiction. I think you've got Hiko's voice down well: the bitter musings and disgusted tone to his voice. I could see every motion beautifully.

I especially liked the line: "It was better to free a caged bird, then to hear it tweet and cry for liberty." And the ending. That last line has a lot of impact.

Nice job.

Sake

Good ol' Hiko XD You gotta love the guy, eh. I think you got Hiko in character just fine. That's awesome for your first time writing from his POV. Loved reading his thoughts on his pupil, especially after he'd left. Great work AlterEgoSadist!

this was great! I thought you captured Hiko's personality perfectly. awesome job.

Nice one-shot! Very insightful.

"My idiot apprentice has decided to live by his own ideals. Because he is so pure, he has no other choice but to do this foolish thing."

A perfect explanation of Master Hiko's thoughts regarding his baka deshi.

I really like this idea and I think you've got a good start with it. You did a good job initially of getting us into Hiko's head. Unfortunately, you didn't keep us there. You, as narrator, kept control rather than letting Hiko play through it. At the sentence "He told him to leave...", I think you should have used exactly what Hiko said in the OVA and then showed us through Hiko's thoughts whether what he said was really what he meant. You know, sometimes you say things that you think are expressing your thoughts and feelings but are completely misconstrued by someone else. There is a wonderful opportunity for that here.

You also change grammatical tense in the middle of this - I am such a stickler for that! You'd probably get away with it if the viewpoint was first person, but you really can't if you're in third person.

I think you've got a good idea and I think you've got the talent to pull it off. Your writing style is very natural and easily read. Just remember to let the characters do the work of showing us instead of you doing the work telling us.

Pen