This is an interesting story, but I feel it might be better suited in the RG Veda category than the Tsubasa category, at least so far.

You want CLAMP characters? How about the guys from Legal Drug? Saiga and Kakei, and Rikou and Kazahaya.

About the story, it's kind of unusual to start a story off with an Interlude. Prologue, yes, Interlude, tho? The story hasn't even really started, so it's kind of hard to submit a review, especially as you haven't introduced the main characters (unless Princess Shashi is going to be one of the main characters).

As for grammar problems, didn't spot any.