Please continue this story.

shizuo was kinda mean to call him a brat

Awesome story can't wait for more :)

wahhhhh it so awesome i want more plz

oh that was so cute

Okay, a few things. First, I know this is your first fanfic so i'm not bashing you. Please don't take this as a flame /

You're really rushing a lot of things and you should learn to pace yourself. Most writers usually just want to get down to the plot but detail is REALLY important so you can make the reader feel as comfortable as you do.

Also, grammar and repition are something you keep missing but are REALLY important.

For instance, Shizuo saying the word "boy", a lot. "Boy, I hope you're okay." "You're a waste of my time, boy." "I can't believe this boy." and him saying , "Oy, oy, oy" When you use repition in some fics the reader can get really bored of just looking at the word. So you have to be really careful with that. Also, you keep using the past tense of "write" as "writed", when it's really "wrote."

ANOTHER THINGY: There's a difference between a story and an essay. In an essay, it's okay to use onomanopias such as "Bang", "Knock," and "beep." "Sigh." But since this is a story, you need to describe all of those sounds. Such as, "Shizuo pounded his fists against Shinra's door in anger." or, "He lightly knocked, awaiting a response." OR, "Shizuo sighed when he heard the beeping on the other line." Signaling that not only did the other person not pick up, but that the sound is still there without literally just... saying the sound.

Erm, your characters aren't terribly OOC. So that's an upside. :)

But again, PLEASE DONT TAKE THIS AS A FLAME! i'm really trying to give you constructive criticism; I can tell you're young, and your writing needs to be improved, but I never said it was awful. I really do like where you're going with this story, and I believe it has a lot of promise. I guarantee if you execute it correctly, it could be much more phenomenal. :D

Good luck~!

~PimpinSushi

It's getting interesting! Ooh! But how did Mikado know Shizuo's name after he woke up? He hasn't introduced himself to Mikado yet, right? (tilts head). And uh...if you have OpenOffice, could you maybe, just a little, see if it helps the past present tenses with spell checker? But I liked it anyways! It's interesting!

I'll try to be patient, but please don't be on hiatus too long ;A;

It's getting interesting :D Waiting for new chap