Another thing to note, I'm so glad your Hawke was based mainly off the red response instead of purple. Whilst I love a bit of sarcasm and wit, I was getting so sick if every single Hawke I read being like that. Maybe I'm just biased to this because I used the red responses when played like 70% of the time, rest being purple

Ah I really loved this, shame it hasn't been updated in 5 years. Although this was fairly short I feel like there was so much more character development than in some stories that are double it's length or even more. Just goes to show how well written this is

Wow, that was ouchie. Poor addled Templar. Great chapter!

I love your story and your writing style, it's flawless and professional with just the right amount of description and emotion!
The last chapter was so bittersweet... my heart clenched at the end of it. *sniff* I can't wait to see which path your Hawke will be going. I hope for a happy ending (although I'm not sure if any of the possible outcomes of the Anders-Romance can be called "happy" at all...). Anyhow, I'm looking very much forward to your next chapter!

Thought this story was dead. Glad to see it isn't

Please continue this fic! I love it.

Cool I was kinda angry bout how they left out the arcane warrior perk

Ok! So many good things going here! But I love the technical reviews that actually HELP your writing instead of just fawning over plot (that will come later).

You stated that you set out to give the DA2 dialogue a level of plausibility it didn't have already. You did a PHENOMENAL job! The dialogue is smooth, while still essentially staying within the limits of what the game has already given you. None of it feels forced or cheesy, but rather it flows naturally from one line to the next. I honestly think this is because you've got a very good grasp of the characters and their personalities. So much so, that you don't really have to tell me who is talking when I read your work. When you know the characters well enough, dialogue often writes itself. That leads me to my next point: subtext. One of my biggest frustrations in the game was a sort of LACK of proper subtext. It was hard to read the characters, to varying degrees (this is an exception I will give to Fenris. I, personally, am on Team Anders, but the voice actor & animators for Fenris really hit it out of the park. He did great layering subtext into less-than-stellar & often repetitive lines, and the small smiles & smirks that cross his face do as much for storytelling as the right voice actor does). Your rewrite has managed to catch MUCH more subtext and subtlety than the game did, and thus has given us much more thorough and intimate look at Hawke, Anders, Carver, and the world of Kirkwall. Any conclusion we as the audience must infer & work for is that much more pleasing. It's one of the predominant ways you can capture your audience & draw them in to an emotional investment in your piece. The tensions between the characters is masterful in so many ways. I don't know if you INTENDED for this, but Anders is awkward & fumbling ONLY in the presence of Hawke. He doesn't fun around any other character, but you haven't TOLD us that. It was an "easter egg" for us to find that really pulls on those heartstrings.

From a pacing standpoint, I also appreciate that you are sort of jumping from highlight to highlight within the story, instead of giving us chapters of what we already know. For example, you introduce Patrice at the end of 6, and the incident is over in the beginning of 7. Since you haven't changed anything within the actual mission, this becomes a good call of editing. We already (hopefully) know the story, and your call of where to pick up & end with the story shows that you do have a mind to consider your audience when you write. It is also an opportunity for you to highlight to us the things you care to change and alter.

Your character development and beautiful strokes of dialogue & interpersonal relations between the characters is great. What kind of approach do you take to setting? The full, yet concise approach to character uput take is great for describing the setting as well. For a better example of what I mean, I recommend some of the short stories by F. Scott Fitzgerald. Many of them are free on Kindle.

Now, fan-based constructive critique on plot choices & character mechanics:
"I always pay my debts." Hawke is a Lannister! And I got a kick out of that! :)
I *really* like something you did with Anders. For starters, I LOVE that you're writing him with a background of DA:Awakening. You can kind of tell which writers have met him in DA2, and which have met him from Awakening. I find he's a much deeper character if you take him from the Awakening perspective. Anyway, you have taken a unique, and I believe appropriate approach to him & Justice. Many, many authors open up a back and forth internal dialogue between Anders and Justice, despite the idea that Anders specifically tells the player in Act 1 that he CANNOT do so - but rather, that he feels Justice's thoughts as though they were his own. You had a freaking awesome scene in an earlier chapter where Anders is having an internal monologue, and we SEE his logic skew the subject before he recognizes that it is Justice's input. I think you ended it with "and he realized Justice *hated* her." It was such a subtle brush stroke of development, to have Anders swayed as though these malicious ideas really were his own. It gives SO much more power to his relationship with Hawke. No author I have found so far has bothered to really SPLICE Anders & Justice, as opposed to taking the Smeagol/Gollum approach. I would LOVE to know - from your perspective - how Anders would slowly learn to recognize Justice apart from himself? Or does he fall in love without that, acting on emotions of love and then reeling away from them in frustration or anger? In a weird way, it makes him so much more intruiging and slightly dangerous. That approach would also lend a lot of credibility to Anders' fears of harming Hawke. In this case, I am curious to how you would approach how Anders rounder ability to project emotion has affected Justice's original one-dimensionality. For example, despite Justice's disapproval of Hawke, he - not Anders - is faced with her in Feynriel's dream, and does not lift a finger against her. In fact, Justice supports & counsels Hawke in the Fade. Is this Anders' doing? Or has his personality & dorky gentleness from Awakening blended into Justice the way Justice's straightlaced one-track-mind has affected Anders? I felt it was a failure in the game that such a premise was introduced, but not really developed are reacted to.

I also appreciate the dogged but still open relationship between Sabine & Carver. Carver doesn't seem to realize his actions are childish, but then again... anyone with an older sibling can understand, at least, where he's coming from. How would that relationship change if he joined the Templars? Or the Wardens? In the game, they just kind of haul Carver/Bethany off one way or another without any real follow-up or closure to the relationship.

I had more, but I can't remember it offhand. Either way, followed/favorited, & I hope you don't abandon the piece. (Though I do understand that you have to follow inspiration where it takes you, and inspiration is such a fickle & distracted mistress.)

Good update, I love Carver being Carver. And I like how you changed the Patrice quest, this is kind of how it goes in my mind too. She's just too devious to be as ignorant as the game makes her out to be, imho. Can't wait for more!

I love your Hawke, and you nailed the interactions between her and Carver. I hope you keep this story moving, you've laid it out well so far!

Oh yay, an update! Great chapter, your Hawke is hilarious.. aha, or something. :) Looking forward to more.

Ooh, I like! Especially the rivalry between Carver and your Hawke. Teheh. :)

can't wait to hear more~!

TheDevimangel