great! write more

Not bad for a first story. There were a few errors, mainly dealing with the use of commas, but nothing terrible. Also, you should really start a new paragraph every time a different person speaks, since that makes a story much easier to read. Some more character description would also be helpful, as you don’t really say much about how the characters look or anything. It just felt kind of rushed.

The idea for this story was really cute, and I liked that. It was nice of Neil to let Rio inside and give her dry clothes- he’s not really as mean as he may act! And it was sweet of Rio to travel to Neil’s house through a storm just to make sure his birthday isn’t lonely. And she even baked him a birthday cake… that’s adorable.

Anyway, nice job!

-Cotton Candy Mareep

Really good job!

nice oneshot