No monkeys were harmed in the making of this intro.

Also, a lot of the spelling errors from the story we are reviewing were fixed via Autocorrect, something that was not noticed until after we posted the chapter. so some of our jokes may or may not make sense with the words fixed. Just know this authors spelling is horrible.

The theater, now somewhat familiar, had the lights dimming. When the room was finally dark, a music began to play much like that of an intro to some kind of game show. A spotlight moved and circled the room until arriving at the front of the room at the two reserved seats as the music reached it climax.

There was no one in the seats.

The spotlight turned off and the theater lights turned on, avidly searching for the two who were supposed to be there.

"M.C? Spades? Where are you guys?" Someone spoke over a loud speaker. There was a pause and then all Hell broke loose.

People began shouting over the loud speakers, the two weren't there, they were missing. This had never happened before.

"Send out the monkeys! Find M.C and Spades!" Someone yelled out over the loudspeakers, and, what would you know? A squad of monkeys in uniform actually ran out from a hidden door in the theater, leaving through the theater door.

Inside of another room, filled with screens showing the theater at all angles, several people were curled up in the fetal position, shaking and rocking. These terrified people were the producers, script writers, and basically the behind-the-scenes people.

"Oh God...why aren't they here? Why aren't they here?" a woman whimpered as she shook like crazy and curled into a tighter ball, "This is bad, this is bad!"

A man grabbed her and began shaking her, "Snap out of it, Debra! We can't panic! They probably just forgot!" He was being a hypocrite as he was in just as much of a panic as she was.

To prove it, he began crying and slamming his fists onto the ground, "We are going to get fired! This series is going to be canceled!" That got the rest of the crew to scream and cry. In truth, they were acting more like little kids then adults, but panic would do that to a person.

The doors opened and the crew fell silent as a lone figure entered, the familiar letters in blue etched on the front of him, his hair spiked, could it be? Their hopes began to lift as the figure stood there. But when he stepped forward, the feelings plummeted.

ROM, the robot version of M.C. stood there emotionless as ever, as he held several cups of coffee. Looking at the group of humans before walking past them and placing their coffee on the counter.

He turned around "What is going on?" he questioned.

There was hesitance now, the staff exchanging looks and biting their nails. The robot asked once again, no one wanted to answer but an intern stepped forward to answer.

"We...We can't find MC or Spades," He admitted.

There was a new silence as ROM examined them.

"False."

His response received confused looks, and he went on to elaborate; "M.C is never late, he is always on time or early. The possibility that he would be late is not available. Your calculations are all wrong." He didn't need to say anything about Spades, she was horrible at arriving on time.

Rom sat down, the chrome covering his body shinning as he stared at the screen, "Have you taken any measures of action to solve this problem?" He asked.

Debra once again answered the question.

"We sent the monkeys to retrieve them," she responded and ROM nodded.

"Then we wait," ROM told them as he adjusted the cameras, "The monkeys will do their job. They always do."

The group nodded slowly, he was right. When the monkeys were given an order, they wouldn't stop until it was completed. Even if it meant destroying a town.

The wait proved to be short, because no longer then ten minutes after that, the monkeys returned, carrying in M.C and Spades. Both of whom had confused expressions as they tried to keep their ice cream cones from falling.

"The hell is going on?" M.C demanded as the monkeys gently put him and Spades back on the ground, brushing off dirt from their clothes. They couldn't have the stars of the series looking anything less then decent. M.C glared up at the cameras.

ROM responded by turning on the microphones, "You were late for your Review session," the robot explained.

Spades and MC exchanged confused looks before Spades spoke up.

"But our Super Smash Bro's review isn't until tonight," she pointed out.

That got the staff to look around.

"Who was supposed to tell them?" Debra asked.

the Intern gave a sheepish smile, "I may...have forgot?" He suggested.

"Alejandro Julio Ricardo Gallard de la Cruz!" The staff yelled.

While they were yelling at him, a monkey handed them a stack of cards. The two looked through them before visibly going pale.

"You have to be kidding me! You can't expect us to do this!" M.C yelled.

But the staff ignored them, and the monkeys began leaving. Spades gave him a look silently telling him that yes, they can make them do that.

M.C gave up, sitting down and giving out a possibly rabid growl, as he shoved Spades his cards, telling her to do the introduction.

She smiled as she stood up, "Well then," she said, eager to introduce them for once. "For those of you who are familiar with who we are, we will be doing our Super Smash Bro's commentary still. We will just be splitting our time between these two. For those who don't know," she trailed off.

Pointing at M.C, she introduced him as the 'angry shorty' and then to herself as 'the star of the show'. With a laugh, she flipped through the cards.

"We will be reviewing, drum roll please, Twila, da girl Who fell in luv w/a Vampire." She declared.

M.C gagged at this, to show his opinion on the idea, and glared at the side.

"As though the SSB story wasn't bad enough," he muttered.

Spades threw the cards up in the air and leaned back in her chair, completely relaxed, "Come now, it won't be that bad," She assured him then looked around, "Wait...where did our ice cream go?"

"ROM confiscated them."

"Damn!"

The two crossed their arms over their chests while sitting down. Glaring up at the screen before them, ready to face the Twilight story for better or for worse.

Hi, my name is Twila Beautiful Psycho Topaz

An oddly specific name. Who in their right mind names someone that?

Her parents nailed it on the 'Psycho' part, not so much on the 'Beautiful' part.

(not Cullen, because I didn't meet Edward yet)

Way to bring in a spoiler!

It's obvious that she and him would fall in love in chapter one anyways. Not much of a spoiler.

, and I live in Washington with my sister, Midnight.

At least that is a better name then 'Twila Beautiful Psycho Topaz'.

We live in a dark house that is far away from everyone else,

No one cares.

and we are vampires.

Does anyone care? Readers! Clap your hands if you care that they are vampires!

We feast on blood,

Obviously. Because you can't be like Marceline.

The Vampire Queen

She is so out of your league.

and no one else knows that we are vampires, not even our mom,

Well yeah, because if they reveal she or they can be killed.

which is why we moved away to be by ourselves.

I hope you gave your mom a good excuse for moving or ran away. Because I'm sick of these stories where the kids just move and the parents don't give a shit.

Yes, we are LONERS.

And yet you're probably going to have a whole cult of 'friends' *Cough* lovers *cough* who love and adore you.

That sounds like Bella.

Bella is...probably going to be portrayed as a bitch, or a bigger bitch, in this.

I go to a high school where everyone thinks that I am really hot.

Of course, because in stories, the main character has to always be god damn sexy and have everyone love them!

Spades, what was the character for the book you're writing like?

A loner, shy, kind of a little chubby, nail biter, and not good with makeup. But she's really creative and nice and has a pleasant personality once you get to know her. Her two new friends who become her best friend later on, learn this as they spend time with her.

I have straight, black hair and topaz eyes.

A direct reference to the last name.

My sister looks just like me, except her eyes are magenta.

You are aware that magenta eye colors aren't possible, right?

And reviewers, feel free to correct her if she is wrong.

Hey! Correct him if he's wrong too!

I wear a lot of black make-up on my eyes,

The hell can you see if you got makeup covering your eyeballs

even though I have dark circles under them.

Um, girl, having circles under your eyes, while you may think is attractive in anime, is not attractive in real life.

(AN: Okay, if you think that's lame, then FUCK YOU.

No, FUCK YOU!

Edward and Stephanie Meyers have them too,

Stephanie probably has them from lack of sleep, as that's what they're from.

and Stephanie said that Edward was really hot, okay?)

Hey! I can say that Spades is really hot! Doesn't mean it's true!

Jackass.

I don't like anyone at my school.

Good news, no one at school likes you either.

I am a misanthrop (AN: look it up)

I don't know what misanthrop is, but I know what misanthrope is.

That means that you hate all of humankind and avoid human society. You do a pretty shitty job at that.

She's probably not a real misanthrope.

which means that I hate other people, except for midnight.

You can't be a misanthrope then. There can't be acceptations to it.

Her lie has been busted!

One day, I met a really sexy vampire named Edward Cullen.

Who again proved that you aren't a misanthrope. You're just a bitch.

An Alpha Bitch to be exact.

He had really white skin, just like me.

I hate to say this, but Edward is better than you. And that is saying something.

He is Satan's gift to this planet.

Spades, get in uniform. I can see where this is going.

(AN: I don't believe in God, I am an Atheist.

Good for you, do you know your reli-

I think Satan created this universe.

RAAAAAA

*RAGE MODE ACTIVE!*

THAT IS NOT ATHEISM! ATHEISM IS THE LACK OF RELIGION! THE DISBELIEF IN A GOD OR DEVIL! YOU ARE NOT ATHEIST! YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO BOTH ATHEISM AND SANTANISM- THE RELIGION THAT YOUR TALKING ABOUT- BECAUSE YOU DONT KNOW WHAT EITHER ARE!

God bless you, Satan, you are always in my heart.)

F U! YOU DISGRACE! YOU CAN NOT BELIEVE HE EXISTS IF YOU ARE ATHIEST!

Anyway, I met him in the school and he was with some fucking ugly ass bitch named Bella Swan.

I don't like Bella, but what is with these authors and having to attack her like this?

She was so stupid because she kept on falling out of her seat.

Just shut up, please. Before you break the Rage Mode meter. M.C's already going to start foaming at the mouth if you keep this up.

Edward looked at me like 'What the fuck is this girl doing?'

EDWARD IS NOT LIKE THIS!

. I smiled a sexy and adventurous smile at him, and he knew right away that I was a vampire.

How? Because the level of stupidity she has? She must be over 9000 on the Stupidity meter.

I could tell from his eyes, which were the same color as mine.

*Grounding teeth* Edwards. Eyes. Are. Gold. NOT TOPAZ YOU BITCH.

Look what you did. He's pissed. He's going to stay pissed for a while now.

"Hey." He said, walking away from Bella.

And he then snapped Twila's neck ending this story. We all know he would.

There were some gay-ass, ghetto people in his way doing the Soulja Boy Crank Dat Dance,

If they were doing the dance right, I would just stay and watch.

so Edward stared at them with is deathly eyes and they all ran away.

The fuck?

I really hate cliques, and ghetto people think that they're cool.

Isn't that what you think of yourself?

I give them the middle finger in the hallways and it it's all like "Yeah, who's tough now?" Haha, right?

Bitch.

Alpha Bitch.

Anyway, Edward and I sat together at the lunch table. Bella and that poseur Jacob were staring at us.

Since when did Jacob go to that school?

Never.

Ed didn't pay any attention to her at all. He told me all about how he is a vampire, and that his father, Carlisle, and his mother, Esm e,

She can't even spell his moms name.

wanted to meet me,

The hell would they want to meet him for? He just met her.

and that his siblings Alice, Rosemarie, Jasper, and Emmett all loved me instantly.

Ugh, this is making me sick.

Just more proof that she isn't misanthrope.

So we skipped school early, and we went to this really big house in the woods. Jasper is really big and muscular so he knocked down all of the trees that were in the way.

Like that wouldn't draw attention.

Or isn't incredibly stupid.

When we got there, Carlisle came to the door immediately and gasped at how beautiful I was.

Is she a Mary Sue?

Affirmative.

Ready the nukes.

"You must be Twila. My, you certainly are attractive!" he teased, seductively.

No! Carlisle! You have to remain the only sane one! You have to!

I'm sorry sir, but he has fallen victim to her spell.

Ed, Jasper, Emmett, Allison, and Rosaline were all growling at him angrily.

I didn't know that she was in the middle of a bunch of mutts.

More like a pack of bitches.

They were all sensitive because they liked me as well. Besides, it wasn't fair, because he was already married.

Has that stopped men before?

Unfortunately, no.

"Yeah, that's me," I laughed, and I bowed (AN: They do this in Japan because it is polite.)

Newsflash! This is AMERICA! Not Japan! Get your countries right!

"Nice to meet you."

"So, I hear you are a vampire. Why don't you come to my house and we can talk all about it?"

What? Is this a sort of therapy session? If so, she needs it, he needs it *Points at M.C* and I'm going to need it.

I was so excited that I ran in quickly with my new friends following behind me.

And Spades and M.C ran to the door, setting the house on fire.

End of Chapter 1.

Please, guys, tell me if it's good.

We would, but then we would be lying. And you know what they say happens to liars.

"So," M.C said, popping his back and turning to Spades, "What have we learned from this chapter?"

Spades thought for a second before answering, "That Twilight fans like her are idiots. She doesn't know Edwards eye color. She hates Bella. Is a Mary Sue, everyone loves her and she's a terrible writer. But she can spell better than Tara."

He nodded, "Correct, and what else have we learned?"

When she remained silent, he answered, "That this story can be used as a commercial of what happens when you write while drunk and or high."