Guess the Giant Squid was Taken

Summary: Sirius's best man speech... Need I say more?

Sirius cleared his throat loudly, clinking his spoon against his glass to catch everyone's attention. A hush fell over the crowd as he stood up and Lily gave him a warning glare. She had set forth some rules for Sirius' best man speech but Sirius found that every rule had its own… loophole. He smirked at her as he started to speak. "There comes a time in every person's life where they meet someone that changes their life forever. For my mate James here," he patted James on the back, "that moment came when he met me." Sirius grinned as the audience let out an appreciative chuckle.

"I don't know how it's possible, but my other good friend Remus tells me that there are people that don't know me, though how they missed my handsome face is a mystery to me." Remus rolled his eyes exasperatedly, wondering how he could've hoped for even a second that Sirius would chose this day to act mature. "My name is Sirius Black," Sirius paused, "Yeah I don't know what my parents were thinking either when they named me that, seeing as I am neither one of those." Lily muttered something about corny jokes as James sent his mate a glare—it wouldn't be that last one Sirius would receive that evening.

"Anyway, I think James wants me to get along with this but I would like to take a second to acknowledge how important this day really is. I mean other than the fact that Lily finally gave in to James' nonexistent charm, today is the day that James has finally admitted that I am indeed the best man." He winked at James who looked as if he was fighting between exasperation and amusement.

"Well I met James on our first day of Hogwarts along with Remus and Peter and I must say we hit it off immediately—in a totally non-sexual way of course," he added as an afterthought. "We were pranking Slytherins, cracking jokes, getting detention, proving our manliness—that was mostly James," James smacked the canine animagus, "and you know generally just living the life of a boy. But alas," he shook his hand in mock sadness, "it was all too good to last. For in third year, it all changed. In third year, James became—he became a girl." Sirius looked around the audience, still shaking his head, "I know ladies and gentlemen, I was shocked too. But what could I say? James was singing Celestina Warbeck, writing romantic love poems…. He even started keeping a diary where he wrote about his deepest, darkest desires. In fact, I actually have one of his first journal entries right here." Sirius pulled out a rumpled piece of paper from his robe pocket while James just stared openmouthed as Sirius started to read.

" 'Dear Diary,

I think I'm in love. I've fallen and there's no ladder back out, I'm in for good. The girl—her name is Lily Evans. She has the most beautiful red hair, it's so smooth, it's like a banana peel. And her eyes—they're like cucumbers that sparkle, if you know cucumbers sparkled. I'd tell you more but Sirius is mocking me. Gotta go prove my manliness to him… again.

Yours truly,

James Potter' "

"I never wrote that!" James cried out furiously as Sirius finished reading the last sentence.

"Of course you didn't. There must just be someone else in this world that has the exact same handwriting as you and thinks banana peels are smooth" Lily said, reading over the paper she had snatched from Sirius. "Thanks for this by the way," she added to him. "Do you have any more?"

Sirius nodded, smirking. "I'll give 'em to you later. Anyway," he turned to the guests again, "after that, James wouldn't talk about anything but Lily. Evans' legs are so sexy, Evans' voice is so beautiful, Evans this, Evans that. So Remus, Peter, and I, being the good friends we are, decided it was time to take action. And thus was born Operation Get James and Flower Together. We met every Monday in the Room of Requirement and of course I was captain. You're welcome mate," he added to James, who was grinning despite himself.

"So our first, but certainly not last attempt to get the two together was to send Lily singing lilies signed from James. At the time of course, we weren't aware that Lily not only hated lilies, but also hated the Weird Sisters. So when the lilies started singing 'Make Love to Me' it didn't fare well with Lily. Not mention that the flowers wouldn't shut up until she said yes. Needless to our first attempt was a fail.

People say I'd take a cruciactus for you, but I along with the rest of the marauders can proudly say, that we have taken torture for James. The things Lily did," he clasped his heart with his hands, "they wound me. Physically and mentally. I won't bore you with the details of how she hexed my manliness off of me—no I'm not going to tell you what that means but I do wish you two the best of luck in life and hope you have lots of great sex after this." He looked at James. "Mate, I know I'm supposed to reassure you but I can't say much. Though I did here from a few special somebodies," he winked at Lily's friends who were standing in the corner in their bridesmaid dresses, "that Lily used to keep them up at night with stories of you." He put on a ridiculously high voice, "Oh Alice, have you seen that Potter's arse, it's so round and I'm sure it feels marvelous. Oh Marlene, did he always look that fine?" Sirius fanned his face with his hand. "I don't think I can stand it anymore."

Lily looked furious. She turned angrily on her bridesmaids. "You told him?" she asked incredulously.

They shook their heads, confused, Sirius however looked satisfied as he smirked at said bride. "Calm down now, Flower they didn't tell me anything. I just happened to take a miraculously good guess. And it turns out I was right." He turned to the audience, secretly glad that looks couldn't kill. "Here that? Lily Evans, soon to be Potter used to talk about the very same Potter's arse." Lily spluttered indignantly.

"Anyway," Sirius said returning his attention to James who also looked incredibly smug. "I don't know how to end this thing or how to really reassure you. I do know however that Flower said there are many people she'd rather date than you so I really don't know what she's doing here but I guess the Giant Squid really was taken."

And Sirius said no more for Lily had now abandoned any lady-like behavior and was full out chasing Sirius around the hall.

After all that chasing Sirius around, I'm sure Lily would appreciate if you left fanfiction her a review XD