If Zoro had been more calm about the situation and pointed his facts more firmly at the witch then maybe, maybe, he won't be questioning and wondering how he ended up in this situation. But then, Zoro wasn't the brightest bulb and certainly he wasn't dragged into this crew because of his intellect (like Luffy would even use that as a basis in recruiting).

The Strawhats were never the discreet bunch nor that group that plans ahead. Their captain was too loud for that, too idiotic, and all previous attempts of strategies resulted in the same catastrophic attention-seeking end. Not that their captain had a penchant for fame but he did like flashy things (and maybe that's why Franky was part of their crew and not Iceberg nor Paulie but we're digressing and that was not Zoro's point), maybe, maybe.

The situation had too many points, according to Nami as she firmly held her place in front of the woman's quarters. Zoro seethed but dared not to use any force to barge in lest his already ridiculous amount of debt increase but damn it, there was only one point: Robin is kidnapped.

"Kidnapped by Marines."

"I'll cut them all then."

"All 10,000 of them?!"

"Yes."

"We need to leave this place soon and soon won't happen if we have to wait for you cutting everyone!"

"Then I'll cut them fast."

"Not with alerting another 10,000, you won't. Plus Franky will kill us if Sunny is damaged more. This plan will be fast, easy and most effective." And maybe she was right but Zoro grumbled anyway, something about shitty cyborgs and other crewmates who were too chicken and sided with the witch.

"This is too weird!"

"Shut up and step out already! Do you want to save Robin or not?!"

"Yes but- aaah!" There were limbs, long stretchy limbs, and these were hooked tightly as Nami pulled the door open with as much force as her witch body can pull. Which was a lot and Zoro wonders for the umpteenth time why she acts weak against opponents. Crazy wit-

"Wow, you actually look cute, Luffy-bro! Pretty SUPER!"

"Puahahahahaha! Luffy, you look like a girl! Puahahahahahaha!"

Luffy had a sour expression on his face. "Too itchy." And his grubby fingers was about to scratch his arm pits when Nami wacks him on the head.

"Ridiculous, stop whining like a little girl," Nami reprimands. "And you now owe me a hundred thousand beli more for wearing my clothes."

Zoro doesn't remember Nami wearing this dress before. Which is not too weird considering it was not his hobby to memorize people's clothes anyway but this dress, it was too... memorable not to remember. It was red, deep red like the vest and most of Luffy's shirts (Zoro wonders again if that was the reason why Nami bought it but dismissed it quickly because it was just ridiculous to base your fashion sense on their captain of all people). It was cut nicely up his thighs, reaches to the floor, and had a strapless top - which is now beginning to be a problem because it's not holding up considering Nami and Luffy's vast difference in chest size.

Nami almost screamed when the dress falls down on Luffy's hips and berates him to do something about it. So Luffy complies.

Gomu Gomu no Fuusen no Muna! Balloon breast!

Sanji spews hearts and goes noodly (something he'll vehemently deny later on because he did not just got the hots for his captain turned female) as Gomu gomu no boobs get as big as the deck and Nami kicks Luffy to be more serious. He tries again but only ends up inflating one boob at the proper size.

Five minutes of getting beating up, Luffy finally does it right. Nice round boobs not as big as Nami's but enough to keep the dress up and it makes a certain swordsman confused in his feelings as well as the heat on his cheeks. The heat on his cheeks is confused, he meant. Yeah.

"Yosh! Let's go!"

What was the plan again?

Sanji of course calls dibs on Nami, all in drop dead gorgeous little black dress. Zoro would have called dibs too just to piss the ero-cook off and avoid his captain but Nami was too scary to deal. Zoro looks up to the sky and questions the sanity of it all as he offers his arm in the most manly way possible for a guy to offer his arm on another guy wearing a dress and on the verge of rampage. Zoro's glare went unnoticed by the sharpshooter and the resident doctor, both currently in hysterics of laughter, which is fine and dandy for them until they all get back to the sea and Zoro swears he will beat everyone on this godforsaken ship for mocking him (he doesn't of course but that's for another time).

He also has half a mind to call this stupid stealth plan off because they'll wreck havoc after anyway and really now is it really necessary to have Luffy on boobs?

No one admits it but Luffy has a nice cleavage.

"Nice breasts, Captain. Yohohohoho!" At least, among the living anyway. Fortunately, Zoro had enough force and speed to haul his captain out of the Sunny before his arms could stretch to strangle their resident dead crew member.

Luffy is in slippers which is good else he'd be tumbling every step that Zoro had to catch him every single damn time by his waist and damn it why is his boobs feel nice- stop right there Roronoa. Luffy trips anyway because the dress is too damn long. It didn't occur to them both that he can stretch his legs to be a bit taller. Or raise the dress by a couple of inches. Not that Zoro would suggest that if he did thought of those things. An escort should be taller than the lady, even if said lady is his undoubtedly rubber male captain.

By the tenth foot tripping Zoro doesn't know which is worse to happen: Luffy accidentally ripping her- no, his dress or his hands accidentally grabbing Luffy's newly endowed body parts.

Luffy in a dress is no different than Luffy in a red vest and baggy pants and already he stretched and kicked in a way a Lady in that outfit would not even dare think in their wildest dreams. Thank goodness he wore his pant-

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT WEARING ANY PANTS?!"

Luffy grumbles and mumbles as he rubs his sore swelling head (which is bullshit because he is rubber and Zoro didn't use haki) that he still has his briefs but Nami threatened him to not wear any pants should it bulge suspiciously in his flowing dress. It takes all the years of effort, control and resistance of insanity being with this crew for Zoro to not freak out that his captain is not wearing any pants beneath that sexy- god damn it Roronoa, focus!- dress. Red dress.

"Nice hat."

"My hat is back at Sunny with Usopp." Luffy pouted and sulked.

Focus, right. Stupid discreet mission.

Zoro doesn't have time to question his sudden loss of composure because really he has seen his captain bare naked on more than one occasions. They're guys. Men.

They made it past the first thousand guards with ease at the promise Luffy wouldn't kick any more guards and the job of kicking (stabbing) asses will be handled by his escort. His supposed escort. Luffy giggles in the most unladylike and Luffy-like way (Shishishi!) as Zoro glares at any raised brow thrown at them. It couldn't be helped, Luffy thinks, when Zoro is wearing the most ridiculous tophat two times as big as his head. You know, to hide his green hair. Oh and the most atrocious eye-sore suit that ever existed.

The coat was a green with, heaven forbid, purple polka-dots and gold buttons. Luffy likes it though because 'woah such a cool coat everyone couldn't help but look!' and 'mumble mumble why is Zoro wearing a cool getup while I'm stuck in this stupid dress?'

The 'cool' getup was of course, part of Nami's plan: it has to be really bad that no one will notice the swordsman has three katanas attached to his hip. And maybe Sanji helped in the planning too (to piss off marimos) but we'll never know about that. Maybe.

Nami and Sanji, according to the plan, would be going around the back to see where exactly did the marines took Robin. Luffy and Zoro would take the entrance, the straightest path, and the easiest route because there are marine soldiers on guard (easiest as long as none of the two will pick a fight). Hah, as if.

Of course, Zoro isn't the only one doing the dragging. If Luffy wasn't tripping his feet, Zoro would be turning around and if Luffy wasn't so dense, said captain would have been suspicious that maybe, maybe, Zoro was getting lost on purpose. But that didn't make much sense nor the thought made it to Luffy's brain so Luffy laughs and drags the swordsman back to the straight path.

"Name..?"

"Monkey D. Lu- oof! Cy! Monkey D. Lucy." Luffy corrected himself, completely forgetting about the supposed cover until at the last second. Zoro panicked slightly and consciously reached for Wado Ichimonji. This is it, they're going to fight and-

"Ah, you must be Admiral Garp's relative," the soldier smiled pleasantly as he checked his list. "Grand daughter, I presume?"

"I didn't know Gramps had a- mmph!"

"Yes she's Garp's grand daughter." Zoro added, his face bearing the straightest apathetic expression possible in the brink of impending war. Doom. Whatever the witch will unleash if they so much started anything because heaven forbid they haven't even reached the entrance yet.

Fortunately, the marine soldier wasn't sensing anything remotely murderous and continued smiling. "Ah yes, yes... Hm... ah... and you must be her...?"

"Swordsman."

"Swordsman?" The soldier blinked, unsure at what he just heard.

"Like an escort thing!" Luffy - Lucy - happily added.

"Ah, I see, I see... hm... ok, off you go Ms. Monkey."

"I am not a gi- mmpf!"

Zoro ignored his captain and the funny look the marine was giving to them as he covered Luffy's mouth and dragged him unceremoniously inside.

By the time Zoro released his grip, Luffy automatically reached for his armpits and scratched. "Stupid itchy dress," Luffy grumbled. "This is not man clothes!"

Zoro grunted as a reply, telling his captain that yes, he heard his complaint, no he is not ignoring him, yes that really fucking sucks, but no he can't do anything about it.

"Yeah, I'm hungry too," Luffy pouted. "I wonder when they'll serve dinner."

The witch said to be discreet which meant to stay in the corner and wait. The instruction was easy enough for Zoro but proved impossible for his restless and hungry companion. Ah well, Nami never said about Zoro making Luffy sit put and so far, Luffy was only eating the whole place.

Maybe Zoro was a little masochistic and wanted to piss off Nami about being not discreet. Yeah, fuck you too, witch.

Everyone was already staring by Luffy's third helping and that was just the first minute they entered the place when Luffy spotted the holy table of food and oh god is that meat?! Zoro ignored all of them as he downed his fifth bottle of wine. His brows furrowed. It wasn't sake and the alcohol content was too light.

"It has been an honor having your company, Lady Charloss. I trust the goods has been to your satisfaction."

"Yes, yes, thank you. We want her prepared immediately and brought to our quarters. I'm afraid we have to leave early for business, right dear?"

"Yes! Namiswaaaa- a-ah, yes... My love, you are right."

"Of course Lord Charloss. Tim, you heard their royal highness, prepare the wench quick."

Nami held Sanji's hand quick enough to calm him before he could kick the filthy bastard's face for calling Robin such a vulgar name. "Not yet."

"Apologies Nami-san," Sanji grit his teeth. "I just can't help it when they treat a lady like that, let alone our lovely archeologist."

"I know, Sanji-kun. That's why I am here."

"Cunning Nami is so awesome~!"

Nami ignored the noodly cook and evaluated their position. They were at the main hall now, as expected. They should be heading to their supposed quarters and wait for Robin. Now to find their back... up...

"What the heck are you doing?!" Nami lost her composure for a second, glaring murderously as her stupid idiot captain was causing a scene. Plates were stacked haphazardly at his side and his face was stuffed with food. Nami didn't even want to think how soiled her dress is now because of Luffy's barbaric way of eating. Why the little fucker-

"Oi Nami! Shishishi Sanji is here too! Sanji! Their food sucks compared to your cooking."

"Yeah? I told you to eat before going."

"Don't encourage him!"

"Yes! Ah! Angry Nami is awesome too~!"

Nami stalked over to the swordsman who was currently sleeping. "You!"

Zoro opened one eye and groaned seeing the familiar splash of orange hair. "Yeah...?"

"I thought I told you to be discreet?!"

"I'm not cutting anything."

"You're supposed to keep him behaved!"

"He's hungry."

"This is not the time for-" Nami's words were drowned as Zoro was instantly up, sword in hand and sliced the pillar behind Nami. She stood petrified and was pulled away by Sanji before the stone gave away.

"Shitty marimo," Sanji cursed. "You ok, Nami-san?"

"Y-yeah..."

"Tch. Come on, they have found our cover and it is only a matter of time before they'll find out Charloss is not checked on their guestlist."

Nami only nodded, still shaken at the too close proximity of Zoro's blade from her neck seconds ago and took Sanji's offered hand before following him.

It was certainly not Luffy's fault. It was the witch, Zoro furiously accused at the back of his mind as the expected ten thousand marine soldiers started pouring to the hall and the royals were being evacuated. Luffy stuffed his face with the biggest meat within reach before stopping and assessing the situation. He swallowed.

"Oi, Zoro."

"Hm?"

Luffy smirked, bowing his head and pulling his hat- "aah! My hat!"

"Back at Sunny's," Zoro replied without missing a beat.

"... Oh. Shishishi! That was embarrassing."

Zoro tch-ed and smiled slightly. "Mhm.."

"You! You are under arrest for false identity and proved to be Strawhat Luffy!"

Luffy settled to ruffling his hair for effect (he remembers Franky and Usopp's constant reminder to always, always, pose cool/SUPER! before battle). "Yup, that's me. The man who will be pirate king!"

"Men, attack!"

"Gomu gomu no-"

"Santoryu-"

"Charge Muchi Tatsu maki!"

Maybe because prominent people were present that the marine soldiers present were strong. At least, stronger than the regular mook and Luffy's haki only managed to knock out a couple of hundred. Nevertheless, this was getting more tedious than challenging.

And distracting, Zoro cursed at himself as he slashed his way to his captain who was currently tripping every single step. He grabbed his captain and cut the unnecessary cloth up to his thighs. Ok maybe that was too sho-

"Yosh! Thanks Zoro!" Luffy was instantly up and running again, swinging his fists left and right. Zoro noticed his captain's moves were a nano second slower than usual.

"Onigiri!"

"Phew that was close," Luffy exhaled halfway before inhaling again. Zoro noticed that too.

"What's wrong?"

"Can't breathe properly," Luffy made a face. "Keeping a balloon is hard."

"What are you- oh." And it clicked and Zoro's cheeks were confused again. He made a noncommittal grunt. "I'm not going to tell Nami."

Luffy beamed. "All right! It was stupid anyway, huh? Shishishi!" He exhaled fully this time and sighed as his chest came back to its boyish size. The dress came naturally down to his waist, making him look like he just came out of a hot spring.

Zoro was definitely not noticing that. Nope.

"Yosh!"

"Robin-chwaaaaan!"

"Hello Cook-san."

Nami was immediately beside Robin and quickly undid the sea stone cuffs. "Luffy and Zoro are distracting the marines," Nami supplied and quickly explained the situation.

Robin giggled. "I am sure Swordsman-san is enjoying the view, yes?"

Sanji snorted. "The shitty swordsman is more than enjoying, I bet."

"Is watching the scene not part of the plan?"

This time, Nami grinned mischievously. "Now why would I do that?"

Because 10,000 men is nothing and maybe, maybe, Nami really was sadistic and never fully disclosed the plan to the swordsman. Because really, is it really necessary to put Luffy in a dress?

Zoro didn't really know how it happened (he actually did but he refused to recognized it happened) but Luffy did ended up bare naked after the fight and it was proving to be very distracting now that another thousand guards came pouring in. Shit, maybe a direct assault was really a bad idea-

"Yo-" Zoro pulled his naked captain beside him before the rubber boy could even finish his battle cry. He promptly took off his coat and shoved it unceremoniously to his captain. Luffy only laughed as he put the horrendous thing on. It covered the important parts enough to stop people from getting distracted. Like Zoro's cheeks, if it was ever a person, because they get distracted a lot when it involves naked rubber captains.

"Oi, shitty marimo!"

Zoro looked up promptly after slicing twenty more soldiers. He glared automatically. "Tch. You got Robin?"

"Of course, duh."

"Hello Zoro-san, Luffy-san."

"Shishishi! Yosh! Then let's get out of here!" Luffy cheered. He released another gomu gomu no whip for good measure before circling his outstretched arm around Zoro's torso and another arm on the railing before sending both of them flying to their friend's side. Zoro's silent scream went very much heard as he slammed directly on the wall and went past through it. "Shishishi, sorry!"

"Idiot," Zoro groaned as he got up from the rubble. Before his vision was cleared, he felt the familiar long arms surrounding his waist again and being pulled. He didn't even have time to brace himself.

"Zoro...?"

"I'm fine Luffy." And that's all Luffy needed to hear before he and his crew ran away.

"Super! Robin-sis you're all right!"

"My skin was starting to get clammy from worrying. But I don't have a skin. Yohohohoho! May I see your panties now?"

"Get lost you shitty skeleton! Robin-chwaaan~! Let me prepare some tea for you!"

"Fufufu, I am well. Thank you Sanji-san, Franky-san, Brook-san."

The round of cheers continued and Zoro watched disinterested as Sunny flew just in time before the marines caught up. But before he could go back to the man's quarters, Chopper was immediately on him. "Are you injured?"

"Just light bruises," and that was the truth as far as Zoro was aware. He wasn't hurt from the fight, after all, and the bruises only came from the impact of crashing on the wall. He dodged their doctor and took another step forward.

"Luffy, why are you wearing Zoro's disguise?" Usopp asked.

"Shishishi, that's because I'm naked!"

Zoro twitched. That sounded so wrong, "Luffy-"

"And why are you naked?"

"The dress got ruined. Meh, it was too itchy anyway."

"What do you mean ruined?!" Nami was livid and immediately beside Luffy.

"Aaaaah! I am sorry!" Luffy ducked just in time for the punch and not pushing anymore of his luck, ran to the boy's quarter. And maybe it was automatic but his hand was on Zoro and dragging his stunned crewmate with him. He slumped by the door when he can't hear Nami's footsteps. "That was close. Good thing Nami doesn't go here, huh? Shishishi!"

"Idiot," Zoro remarked though there was no malice in his voice. Luffy laughed again. Zoro smiled and put his hand over his captain's head.

"Aah, my hat! Thank you! When did you-"

"Usopp."

Luffy grinned and adjusted it accordingly. "Oi, Zoro?"

"Hm?"

"Thank you."

"Hmph."

"For the hat-" why is he thanking for that? "And for the coat-" damn it cheeks, stop getting confused already! "It was a nice coat! So cool!"

Zoro chose to stay silent and only prompted with well timed grunts. He continued staying silent and being generally disinterested as Luffy stood up and started talking about changing back and focus Roronoa!

'On what?'

His ass is a nice start.

... What?

"Aren't you going to change too?"

"... Right."

It was a weird incident altogether, something Zoro can't wrap his mind to and something he didn't bother dwelling on. Fortunately, his cheeks stopped being confused around his captain. At least, as long as his eyes doesn't stray on a certain chest covered by a buttoned shirt on occasions- stop right there Roronoa.

Hopefully, the accursed technique won't be brought up again. Ever.

"Again! Again! Do Nami next!"

"Shishishi, ok! Gomu gomu no~~ Mune!"

Damn it.

Author's note: First time in a long while from writing fanfiction and first for this fandom. This has basically no plot and just me thinking of Luffy in a dress. Comments on improvement or anything are loved