Disclaimer: I do not, have never, and will never own Yu Yu Hakusho or its characters. That fact's been making me sad since the first grade.

Warnings: Some pretty coarse language throughout and raunchy humor (I use 'humor' lightly because I'm pretty sure I'm not funny) that wasn't my intention but ended up here anyway. Kiddies beware.

A/N: Okay, so, this is the first thing I've written in probably seven years. This was supposed to be a silly little drabble to get my feet wet in preparation for some larger projects I have planned for this fandom, but as you can see, that's not what happened. It has overshot drabble, kicked one-shot in the shin and become a chapter fic. I'm kind of excited. No idea where it's going, but it can't be anywhere even remotely serious. I hope everyone enjoys it though. (Gentle) Creative criticism is always appreciated :)

"Did someone lose an earring?" Was about all Yusuke could manage after walking into his apartment to find his favorite gruesome twosome, uninvited and crawling on all fours in the living room. Both demons wore expressions not unlike the grim determination they all put on when dealing with a life or death crisis except, instead of an adversary of unmatched power, Hiei and Kurama seemed to be looking for something. For his trouble, he got an elegent shushing motion courtesy of Kurama, who didn't even bother looking in his direction. Stunned and just shy of irked, he watched as Hiei practically flattened himself to the carpet to get a better view under the couch. "Seriously, you two, you can't just-"

"Quiet, Detective." Hiei hissed. The diminutive fire demon appeared to find nothing of what he was looking for under Yusuke's ratty couch and resumed his... search. Yep, no more 'stunned', 'stunned was over. Yusuke was just irked now.

"Don't tell me to be quiet. This is my damn house and you—"

"Yusuke." Kurama scolded, lifting himself onto his knees to give Yusuke the full force of his disapproval. Despite having been crawling around the absolute sty Atsuko had left behind before vanishing days earlier, the fox didn't seem to have a single smudge on his uniform or hair out of place. Slender finger to his lips, Kurama finished his admonishment with a brief "Shh" before returning to what he had been doing before.

Yusuke wilted, throwing his hands up in silent, exasperated surrender. Exhaling deeply out his nose, he dropped his school bag right on the spot and made his way over to the couch, deliberately stepping over Hiei just to be petty. The look he got was a good indicator that that hadn't gone unnoticed. Oh fucking well though. If he couldn't talk in his own home, loud and in the way was all he had left.

The boy dropped onto the couch, sighing theatrically as he swung his feet up onto the coffee table. He made sure that he rattled the scratched up piece of furniture with both of his heels for good measure. Hiei peered at him from behind the armchair on the side of the living room closest to Yusuke's bedroom, the look in his red eyes something a bit more potent than his trademark glare.

"I say we let it eat him." Hiei declared, sitting cross-legged on the carpet to emphasize his statement.

Yusuke straightened, feet falling back to the floor.

"Let what eat me? Kurama, what's in my house?" Yusuke pressed, suddenly alarmed. He watched as Kurama threw Hiei a look nearly identical to the one he'd gotten for speaking earlier. When Hiei showed enough self-preservation to shrug and break eye contact with a grunt, the redhead sighed, sitting back on his heels.

"I was hoping that Hiei and I could have it taken care of before you got home. It's called the Unwanted Bedmate in some parts of the Makai. There are other names, but I have to admit that one entertained me the most when I first learned about them." Kurama stated, expression growing a little wistful. "... Think of it like the Demon World equivalent of a bedbug."

"Except it's generally the size of one of your cats." Hiei threw in oh-so helpfully. Little bastard looked positively gleeful.

"That doesn't sound dangerous. Like a helluva rodent, but not dangerous." Yusuke felt himself calm a little. Of course, he did ask for full disclosure and of course Kurama was going to deliver it; now with added commentary from the little blackbird of happiness currently leaning against his armchair.

"It's an ambush predator that likes to roost in large structures, usually ones that have fallen into disrepair. It's hard to find when there are a lot of nooks and crannies it can get into, but thankfully it's also incredibly unintelligent. They strike when unsuspecting residents or travellers bed down for the night." Kurama supplied. Yusuke was too busy trying to picture what something like that even looked like to make Kurama stop right there, which he regretted pretty much instantly. "The first bite immobilizes its prey often before the person being attacked can register that they're in pain. When its victim is no longer able to fight back or call for help, it begins to devour them alive, usually starting with the mucus membranes like the lips and nose-"

"Or the genitals. That's an important one." Hiei added with a churlish smirk. Kurama arched a brow at his surly friend, but didn't dispute what he'd said. Which was really all the motivation Yusuke needed to throw himself off the couch.

"ALRIGHT. We're finding this bedbug thing right now because I'd like to wake up tomorrow with all of my important bits where I left them." He yelled, his inside voice abandoning him to his usual reckless bravado. With newly acquired purpose, he began to stomp towards his room only pausing when he noticed the amused expressions sported by his companions. "What? Get back to looking. I'm suddenly in on it and now you guys just sit there uselessly? Is there really a dick-eating Makai creature in my apartment or did you just tell me a really elaborate and terrifying lie to cover up the fact that I'd walked in on some bizarre demon mating ritual?"

Kurama let out a distinctly unKurama-like snort of amusement, raising a hand to his mouth to hide a laugh. Hiei's expression soured, the skin around his eyes going a little green. Both demons resumed what they'd been doing when he discovered them earlier, Kurama pointing out a vent on Hiei's side of the room that looked like it had been pried loose recently. Satisfied that his friends had gotten back to work, the Detective shoved his bedroom door open a bit more ostentatiously than he'd intended to.

Cat-sized, flesh-eating demon critter. That couldn't be too hard to find, right?

The mess in his room said that, yes, it could be.