A/N: For some reason I woke up on Boxing Day and thought I should write some NoTP. As with all my fic at the minute, this was typed up on a phone so please forgive any weird mistakes or autocorrect mishaps I've missed.

Friendly Neighbourhood Jelly Baby Stockist

If Donna didn't see another cocktail for as long as she lived then she'd... something.

She slumped back on the park bench she was sat on and closed her eyes against the offensively bright sun. She was far too hungover to finish all of her sentences.

With an involuntary groan, she straightened up a little in the hopes of looking like a normal person. Around her families were enjoying picnics, dogs were dragging their owners around and somewhere the Doctor was fetching her a coffee. Unless he had got distracted by something shiny. Or kidnapped. Both were highly likely and would result in her killing him later. This was all his fault, after all, hauling her off to the most infamous New Years party on this side of the galaxy or whatever. He could have warned her about the effects hypervodka had on humans before letting her drink the stuff.

"Bad day?"

Donna whipped her head around to see who had spoken and winced. It felt like her brain had smashed none-too-gently into the side of her skull and it took her a while to recover from the sensation.

The speaker stared back at her as though people were usually stunned into silence by him. Although, Donna reasoned, if he made a habit of sneaking up on people then he was probably used to it.

"Well." Donna cleared her throat in an attempt to make her voice sound less like she'd eaten gravel recently. "I've not been held at gun point yet so I've definitely had worse starts to the day."

The man smiled and slid closer to her on the bench. It was then that something became apparent that, really, Donna would have spotted straight away if it hadn't been for her hangover. This bloke was gorgeous.

Somewhere in the back of her head, Donna dimly remembered she had no make-up on, was wearing joggers and a hoody and had just shoved her hair up without brushing it. Why did this always happen to her?

"That is a very perculiar outlook on life," the man commented. He was looking at Donna with a slight grin playing on his lips, but his eyes were deadly serious, as though sizing her up.

"I live a very perculiar life," Donna replied in what she hoped was a flirty tone. Hint of mystery, looking up at him through her eyelashes... It earned her a smile. Yes, definitely flirty. She may be a bit out of practise after hanging around with the vainest matchstick in the universe, but Donna Noble still had it.

The man leant forward, looking at her with such intensity that Donna nearly fell off the bench. "You don't happen to know where we are, do you?" he asked.

Donna blinked. It would have been an odd question if she had known the answer. "I don't actually."

The Doctor had mentioned where and when they were going as he bounced around the console like a lunatic, but she had stopped paying attention after he had promised her coffee.

"Right," the man said, his eyes slowly sliding off Donna's face to the others in the park as though they were conspiring against him. Donna eyes a jogger with uncertainty. She never had trusted people who voluntarily ran in aimless circles in their spare time. When the jogger was out of sight she turned back to the man, who was now squinting into the trees. It was then that it struck Donna that not knowing where you were was slightly suspicious in the average person.

As he continued his survelance of the park, Donna noticed he was dressed strangely, like something out of Calamity Jane. Although he sort of pulled it off. Somehow. Maybe it was his voice? All sort of posh and smooth...

"You been to a fancy dress party?" she asked, eyeing his cravat.

He didn't look at her. "Something like that."

"Last New Years, I had that," Donna began with a fond smile. "Woke up and didn't know who I was, let alone where!" She laughed and rested her hand on his arm. The man turned his attention back to her.

"That happened to me!" he almost shouted, his eyes peircing.

Donna nodded, vaguelly aware that he had moved closer. It was difficult to concentrate on anything that wasn't his eyes in her current state.

"I had no idea! For hours!" he continued. "It was a disaster!"

"Was the party the night before good at least?" smirked Donna. The sincerity in his panic was strangely endearing.

"Party?" He looked at her as though she were the odd one. "I'd been shot."

"Shot?"

"I was in America," he said as though that explained everything.

"Blimey."

"Blimey indeed."

They stared at each other. The man's mouth twitched as though he was supressing a smile and Donna tried not to crack under his scrutiny. By the looks of things he was weighing her up, his course of action and whether he trusted her resting heavily on what he could see in her reaction.

Without warning he pulled a paper bag from his pocket and held it out to her.

"Jelly baby?" he offered innocently.

With a slight frown, Donna peered into the bag to find he was in all seriousness offering her a jelly baby. Oh well, she thought as she picked a green one and popped it in her mouth. The good looking ones were always boring, gay or a bit nutty.

"So how did you remember who you were?" Donna asked once she had finished the sweet.

The man frowned, still chewing. "I think... I kissed someone. Or I remembered then kissed someone." He gave Donna a shrug. "There was a lot going on at the time. It's all a bit blurry."

"But you definitely kissed someone?"

The man nodded and ate another jelly baby.

Oh, this was too easy.

"So do you think that kissing someone could help us remember where we are?" Donna asked as nonchantly as she could.

Rather than take the bait, the man put the jelly babies back in his frock coat and appeared to think her theory over. Donna couldn't quite believe that any adult could be so naive. Then she remembered the Doctor and wiped the comparison from her mind.

When her thoughts were free of skinny non-Martians, the man gave her a quizzical look. "I wonder..."

Before Donna could prepare herself, the man swooped in and kissed her. Thankfully she pulled herself together in time to kiss him back, her hand reaching into his hair. It was a bit long for her taste (blokes were enough trouble without them giving you hair envy - and they really were some impressive curls) but was soft to touch.

For a completely barmy nutjob - completely barmy and extremely handsome nutjob - that she had met in a park, he was a good kisser. Not too much pressure, kept his hands to himself, tasted of jelly babies and was a touch cold, but you couldn't have everything, she supposed.

The man pulled away, looking thoughtful. "Has that helped?"

"Um... yes. Yes, that - that really helped," Donna replied trying to school her features into a neutral expression.

"So where are we?"

"Not sure."

"Neither am I."

To Donna's disappointment, the man sat back and sighed. Apparently it wasn't a bit of obvious flirting, but a genuine scientific experiment for him. Still, a self esteem boost was a self esteem boost.

The man shook his head. "I suppose I could just ask someone else." He eyed the rest of the park with distrust. "People do tend to react badly to that though. They look at me as if I'm insane," he laughed.

Donna joined in. A year ago she would have agreed but since she moved into the TARDIS she too wished passers-by would stop gawping at her and just answer simple questions. Sometimes a person just didn't know what year or planet it was, after all.

The man stood and straightened out his coat. It was a bit big on him but seemed happy enough with his appearance.

"It was lovely meeting you," he said, inclining his head to Donna. "Sorry I couldn't help you more. Although..." He broke off and grinned. "You could come with me? Solve the mystery of this very normal looking but possibly dangerous park together?"

Donna smiled sadly. "I'm travelling with a friend. Sorry." His face fell but he soon recovered. Donna wished she could cheer him up but running away with one strange man at a time was her limit. "I hope you find home though," she added as she stood. She hoped he missed how she staggered a little. Thankfully he was busy looking confused.

"Why would I go home?" he chuckled as he backed away. "It's everywhere else that's fun."

With one last breath-taking smile, he turned and walked away.

Donna waited until he was out of sight before letting the smirk that had been brewing for the past few minutes spread across her face.

"That, Doctor," she whispered, flicking her hair she walked away, "is what I meant by womanly whiles."

At the far end of the park, Donna eventually found the Doctor. His sillouette of manic hair and long coat recognisable from halfway down the path. She wandered over to him, trying to not look too pleased with herself. If he said anything she could blame her behaviour on the arrival of coffee. Fortunately her approach went unnoticed until she took one of the cups from his hand.

"Donna?" he asked, head cocked to the side. "Do those pigeons look odd to you?"

She gave the pigeons in question a cursary glance to check they were, in fact, pigeons before sipping her coffee. "No odder than the nutter staring at them."

"Hmm." The Doctor nodded distractedly. "Something's off around here..."

With a roll of her eyes, Donna hooked an arm around his and pulled him down the path. The last thing she needed to deal with now was weirdo space pigeons attacking her. The way her temples were throbbing she'd probably succumb to a feathery death rather than running away.

"Wait - nutter? Oi!"

"C'mon, Spaceman," Donna sighed. "Leave the pigeons to their diabolical plans. You owe me a quiet morning after last night."

"You owe me a new shirt after last night," Donna thought she heard him mutter but decided to let him get away with it. It had only been a small stain but he really did care about his clothes. She was just glad she spilt her drink on his shirt and not his coat.

"Where are we, by the way?" Donna asked once she had enough caffeine in her for a proper conversation.

"I told you before we left."

"You can't expect me to listen to everything you say."

The Doctor pouted like a child. "But I say lots of interesting things! Important things! Ingenious things! Irresitably illuminating things!"

"Yeah, but you say five hundred words a minute and no one can remember all of them."

He had a sip of his drink with a decidedly glum expression before frowning at her. "What's happened to you?"

"Nothing. Why?"

"You're awfully chipper."

"Chipper?"

"Yes, chipper. When we left the TARDIS you were all groans and grumbling. Now you're smiling." He said it as if she'd taken to wearing her underwear on her head.

"It's very good coffee," she said, hoping she didn't appear too defensive.

"You were smiling before coffee." He stopped walking, grabbed her chin and began tilting her head around.

"Oi!" Donna slapped his hand away. "I'm not possessed, you whack job!"

The Doctor snorted. "You were smiling before coffee," he accussed. "Something is wrong."

Sometimes, Donna wondered how one man, who had everyone's best at heart, could possibly find himself in trouble so much of the time.

Sometimes, she really didn't.

"If you must know," she said, trying to look like a dignified woman of class and not the hungover mess she was, "I just pulled."

"What? A muscle?"

"No, dumbo. Pulled. A man."

The Doctor blinked, cermenting his place in Donna's mind as the universe's most idiotic genius.

"Yep," Donna said, letting a hint of smug into her her voice. "Was just sat on a bench when this dishy bloke starts chatting me up. Apparently he found my charm so irresistable that he had to kiss me."

"Donna," the Doctor asked evenly, "he didn't happen to have a white stick and a labrador, did he?"

"Shut it," Donna snapped. "Just because it was me who got lucky this time. We can't all traipse around time and space, flirting until every woman, man and the occasional android is swooning at our feet!"

"I don't - flirt - my way around!" spluttered the Doctor. "I'm just friendly and people respond to that! And that android didn't swoon - its wheel fell off."

"Doctor," Donna sighed, "tell me, did a woman serve you in the coffee shop?"

"How could you possibly have known that?"

Donna held her cup up to show him the writing on the side. In black marker was her name, the Ns carelessly fused together into a squiggle, followed by a full stop. "Now look at your cup."

The Doctor followed her instructions and found the word 'Doctor' in loopy script, followed by a smiley face and three kisses. He stared at it, brow furrowed, as though it were written in strange hieroglyphs he had never encountered before.

Donna watched his confusion and smiled. If he ever understood how humans really thought and how many of them were attracted to the geek chic thing, he'd probably become an unstoppable force of ego. Or never leave the TARDIS out of fear.

"But... but I didn't do anything," he muttered, nonplussed, as Donna pulled him along.

"Maybe she just had a thing for people who are incapable of brushing their hair?"

"Hey!" the Doctor scowled. "At least I don't pick up weirdos in parks!"

"He was not a weirdo! He was very polite and charming!"

"Oh really?"

"Yes, really," Donna sniffed. "He gave me a jelly baby."

"He gave you a-"

"Yes!" cut in Donna. "And don't start with that 'don't take sweets from strangers' bit because I - Doctor?"

She turned to see the Doctor had stopped several metres ago and looked like someone who had not only left the gas on, but had left a child at home with nothing to play with besides a box of matches.

"Jelly baby?" he whispered, lips barely moving.

"Yeah."

Wide-eyed, he glanced around the park before his head snapped back to her.

"Doctor, are you all right?" Donna asked hesitantly. If the pigeons were in cahoots with the jelly babies she was probably going to go for a lie down.

Just when she thought he might collapse or throw up, the Doctor ripped the lid off his drink and gulped it down, the brown liquid spilling over his chin.

"Doctor, have you been poisoned again?" Donna hurried forward, throwing her coffee in a nearby bin. "Do you need salt? Anchovies? Harvey Wallbanger?"

"What is it with you and Harvey flippin' Wallbanger?" spluttered the Doctor, flapping his tongue about. "I'm fine! Totally fine." He wiped his chin with his sleeve. "Fine."

"Doctor?"

"Lovely part of the world this," he said, not looking at her. "The trees are-"

"Doctor!" Donna grabbed his arm to stop his attemptd to show off how incredibly fine he was. "Do you know him?"

"Who?"

"Julius Ceaser," she replied sweetly before shouting, "who do you think?"

"Well..." The Doctor opened and closed his mouth several times in a very unhelpful kind of way.

"Was he an alien?" gasped Donna. "Doctor, was he an alien? Did I just snog an alien?"

She knew her taste in men wasn't always brilliant (see: Lance the spider-loving rat) but she at least thought she could spot a human.

"What's wrong with aliens?" exclaimed the Doctor, missing the point entirely.

Losing the last of her patience, Donna grabbed the Doctor by the lapels and shoved him against a tree trunk. "Do you know him?" she growled.

"Er - yes," the Doctor replied. "Maybe."

"Is he. An alien?"

"Yep."

Oh well done, Noble, said the internal voice that popped up during job interviews, exams and particularly nasty morning after the night befores. Can't find a human fella so you've reached for the skies.

"Any chance you could let go of me?" the Doctor asked tentatively.

Donna ignored him. She had bigger problems. "Am I going to live?"

The Doctor stared at her until she shook him.

"Of course. Why would you not?"

"Because, Spaceman," Donna explained slowly, "he could be anything! He could be carrying anything! I could end up with alien lip fungus!"

"I do not have alien lip fungus!" cried the Doctor.

"No, but he might!"

"Right," nodded the Doctor. "He... he might. But he doesn't. Really cares about oral hygiene, him. Carries a toothbrush at all times."

He was still nodding after he had finished talking.

"You sure?" Donna let go of his suit and the Doctor slid down the tree.

"Positive."

Donna exhaled a breath that had been lodged in her chest for the last ten minutes. The Doctor may be clueless with romance but he did know his aliens. He wouldn't let her come to any harm that he could otherwise prevent either. He was good like that, was her Spaceman.

Useless in many other ways, but he did have his moments.

Feeling much better about snogging an alien, Donna turned back to the path, the Doctor following her a pace behind. She could now enjoy the pleasant walk through the park with all the exercise nuts, couples, children and -

Oh no.

"Oh my God!" Donna gasped, making the Doctor jump in front of her, hand already searching his coat pocket for his sonic. She grabbed his arm and spun him around to face her. "Doctor, am I pregnant?"

To say his face went white would have been the understatement of the century. Even his hair seemed to wilt.

"What?"

"Pregnant! With child! Carrying the spawn of a flamin' green monster from the planet Nappies!"

Donna could feel a panic attack coming on as her mother's voice filled her head. "I knew it'd come to this. Unmarried was a given but not knowing the father's name... Well, I'm not too surprised. Not getting the species though - it's like you wanted me to go grey before my time. I shan't be bathing its tentacles so you can go to the pub, misses!"

"Donna," came the Doctor's somewhat panicked voice, "you didn't do anything that could have got you pregnant."

"How do I know?" she snapped. "I don't know what he could do with his tongue!"

"Oh God," the Doctor groaned, his head now in his hands. Donna thought she saw him shudder. Slowly and with what looked like great effort, the Doctor dragged his hands over his face and exhaled. "Donna," he said calmly. He hesitated, but then placed his hands on shoulders. "You are not pregnant. There will be no lasting damage for you from this encounter. Now, can we please never discuss that man, you and tongues in the sentence ever again?"

He was almost pleading. It was more suspicious that comforting.

"So what's his deal, then?" Donna laughed.

The Doctor shrugged. "He's just... friendly."

"Friendly?"

"Yup."

"A friendly alien who goes around kissing strangers and handing out jelly babies?"

"He does loads more than that!" the Doctor spluttered before his eyes glazed over and he frowned. "Though now you mention it..."

Donna sighed. Seeing that level of contemplation on his face was enough to make her head hurt. She began to really regret chucking her coffee. When the Doctor showed no signs of moving, Donna nudged him into action.

"Go on, then," she prompted. "What's so interesting about these trees?"

"Nothing."

"Really?"

"They're just trees, Donna," the Doctor told her with a frown.

Donna tutted. "A minute ago you were all about the trees." She shook her head. "I don't know, Doctor, maybe you had too many drinks last night and need a day off from being my intergalactic tour guide."

The Doctor huffed a little as Donna patted his arm.

"You can be my bodyguard instead. Make sure no aliens try and molest me," she laughed as the Doctor shivered. "You can protect me from handsome strangers. Unless they're really handsome then you can toddle off and find something interesting about the trees."

"And what exactly qualifies as 'really handsome'?"

"I dunno," she shrugged. She looked around for an example. "Like him."

"Which him?"

"Him," Donna pointed out. "The hunk in leather."

"Wha-"

In an attempt to see who Donna had gestured to, the Doctor had spun on the spot so quickly he over balanced, landing on his scrawny arse. As tears of laughter streamed down Donna's face, the hunky blond in leather hurried over to help a pale faced Doctor to his feet.

"Are you all right, mate?" he asked as the Doctor brushed dirt off his trousers. "Are you hurt? I'm a doctor."

"Isn't everybody today?" the Doctor snapped, taking a still-roaring Donna by the arm and marching her back to the TARDIS.