Carry Me Home

Summary: Alternate MJ ending. After the war, they all have their cracks. So when a turn of events leads everyone to believe Katniss is dead, the cracks break open. But maybe that's what they need. Because from brokenness comes mending. And as Katniss begins to heal and take her own journey home, the hearts around her begin to heal as well.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, due credit goes to Suzanne Collins!

Story orientation: Post-MJ, but Peeta has yet to come back to District 12. He will make an appearance very soon! This chapter is a set-up for the rest of the story, more of a prologue than anything else.

And without further adieu…

Katniss felt the familiar crunch underfoot as she tread through the woods. It was calm, eerily calm, as the sun began to creep into the cracks of the greenery around her. It was times like these, when the light orange hues burst across the sky, that her thoughts began to drift off to Peeta. Usually she watched the fire of the dawn from the safety of her bedroom, breathing through the last of her nightmares. Even in his absence, he kept her safe. If only she had been able to do the same for him.

As quickly as the thoughts had come, Katniss refocussed her mind and trod them away into the bush. The air felt cool and crisp as it wrapped itself around her. She hadn't been outside in so long, not since she had come back from the Capitol. But this morning it had been too much. The nightmares wouldn't stop. And even after she had awoken, she felt trapped in another reality she knew there was no waking up from.

Sae would be at her door soon, ready to make breakfast. Katniss didn't eat much – she didn't want to encourage Sae. She shouldn't have been coming anyway. Haymitch had gotten it right. Just leave the girl to do her thing. That's what Sae should have done too. There was just nothing to save. She was feeding an empty shell that would never be full again.

And that's how Katniss felt – emptied. Before the Games, she was a protector. Her job was to protect her sister, keep her family fed. Nothing else mattered but that, and she needed nothing else to do or be but protect the ones she loved. But the Capitol had taken all that out of her hands. If anything, she had driven them into harm's way herself. They replaced the protector in her heart into something she never wanted to be – a poster girl. First for the Capitol, and then the Rebellion. She had been and done everything for every cause, and after all was said and done, there was nothing more to be. Now, there was nothing but the faces and questions bouncing off each other, echoing into the silence of her life.

Katniss had gone deep into the woods; she knew that much. But she felt at peace here, away from that big old house and Sae's kindness and the empty house across the road. Away from the expectation that somehow life was meant to go on, if there was ever such a thing. By midday, she was still walking. She contemplated turning back. By the time she retraced the hours back from dawn, she would be hitting the outskirts of the district by evening. But something in her rode out this logic. She couldn't. She didn't want to go back. She wasn't ready yet.

Eventually she found a compromise, deciding not to go any further but not turning back just yet, and instead resting herself under a tree as she let the comfort of the woods seep into her senses. She felt weak and tired from the stress and inactivity of being back in District 12. She was hungry and had her bow with her, but right now even the thought of killing something was one she didn't want to return to. So she put her weapons on the ground beside her, and leant her head back on the tree trunk, closing her eyes as she let the sounds of the woods around her rock her gently into oblivion.

"Haymitch!"

Haymitch winced. Every knock lurched an assault on each side of his head. He grunted in response as he shifted on the armchair, rolling his head to the other side.

"Haymitch!"

The knocking again. He reluctantly opened one eye. Whose voice was that?

Haymitch gave a shout as a loud bang erupted through his house, the unwelcome intruder managing to slam the door open. Haymitch barely had a chance to regather before Sae stood before him, hands on her hips.

"Katniss isn't home." Sae's usually gentle demeanour was taken over by an unwavering, solid stance.

"Well it's about time she got out of the house, don't ya think?" Haymitch grunted back.

"She's been gone all day. She wasn't there when I visited for breakfast this morning."

Haymitch sighed as he rubbed his face. "What time is it?"

"It's after dark, Haymitch. I haven't seen her in town today either, I did look out for her I did."

Haymitch leant forward, his elbows on his knees as he looked up at Sae from under his fringe. "She knows how to protect herself, you know."

Sae pursed her lips. "She's not well, Haymitch. You know that, that's why we're – you're – meant to be keeping an eye out for her. She's not herself."

Haymitch looked down as he studied the floor. "Well there's really only one place she could've gone."

Sae shook her head. "No, it's dark. It's dark out already."

"And therein lies the problem". Haymitch said pointedly, gesturing towards her with a half-filled bottle before bringing it to his lips.

Sae breathed in sharply through her nose. "I'm calling the Peacekeepers. And meanwhile, why don't you put down the bottle and help the poor girl!"

Haymitch paused, the bottleneck quivering in between his lips. Eyeing Sae wearily, he brought it down. "It's okay. They won't kick up a fuss until the morning anyway. You stay here, I'll go."

Katniss awoke with a start, her heart beating in her chest. Her eyes widened, as if trying to find some light in the darkness around her. What time is it?! She sat still, back glued against the tree trunk, as her ears ached into the abyss, trying to get some bearing of what might be around her. Instinctively, her hands reached for the bow beside her, her fingers clamping around it shakily.

Breathe, Katniss. A twig cracked behind her, and she jumped, startled. Craning her neck upwards, she tried to peer up into the tree above her, but was again met with darkness. Climbing the tree now would be near impossible, if not reckless. Katniss gulped as she heard another twig snap. She had no idea what was out here. There was no choice. She had to get up high, and fast. Slinking her bow over her shoulder, she shakily reached up the trunk and blindly felt around for something to hold onto. She slowly crawled her way up the tree, one shaky, fumbling step at a time.

She froze, startled, as she heard a low guttural moan below her. Daring herself to look down, she saw two green eyes staring back at her. Panicked, Katniss lost her footing momentarily, grabbing on wildly to the trunk with both arms as she attempted to stay upright. She felt her heartbeat thump against the tree trunk. The guttural moan was turning into a growl. She had no way of telling what was down there; it was too dark. There was nowhere to go but up.

Clutching the trunk tightly with both hands, she pulled her right foot up, finding a good solid knob to secure it on. There. Next foot. This one was more difficult. She would have to pull up on her hands at the same time. Come on Katniss,. You can do this. The growl below her turned into a sharp howl, and in a moment of sheer panic and automatic reactivity, Katniss' arm pulled back to grab an arrow from behind her. Katniss hissed through her teeth as she frantically tried to grab hold of the trunk again, but already she was falling, the air rushing through her weightlessly and the branches whipping at her body in every which direction.

A big crack erupted as she hit the ground, and her bow fell off her shoulder in two angry shards. Katniss gasped as she turned, with one arrow in hand and a wild animal face in front of her, looking more than ready to pounce at the sudden intrusion of space. She barely had a moment to scramble to her feet before it leapt towards her. Shutting her eyes tightly, Katniss held the arrow out to catch its breast as it made its lunge. A guttural howl told her she had succeeded, and she felt its claws in her side as she fell back onto the broken bits of her bow.

Time seemed to slow into an unbearable pace. In the darkness all she could feel was the wet sticky feeling of blood, and the heavy hot breath of the animal hovering above her. In one last ditched effort, she reached behind her for the half of the bow she could reach, bringing the sharp broken shards down heavily onto whatever part of the beast she could find. It drew back in the surprise, and Katniss could feel its blood dripping down her arms as she violently pushed it back, pulling herself to her feet and stumbling blindly through the darkness as fast as she could.

Katniss was still moving quickly through the woods as the first shreds of daylight started to make their tracks between the trees. She stopped, leaning weakly on her knees as her breath came in heaving gasps. She was cold, tired and weak from the adrenaline rushing through her. Shaking, she brought her hand to her side, pulling up her shirt to reveal a dark, crusty gash. Bits of it were already starting to ooze, and she had an awful recollection of Peeta's leg by the river. Peeta. Peeta. How long ago that was. How far away he seemed.

Katniss' vision turned blurry as she leant against the tree, her empty stomach heaving as her eyes burned and bile filled her chest and mouth. This was it. This was her punishment. This was how she would go. Alone in a forest, and utterly empty in every sense of the word.

"Peeta," she whimpered. Would he know she was gone? Would he remember her at all? Would he be happy that the Capitol's 'mutt' was dead?

"Peeta," she shut her eyes as tears dripped down her cheeks. She let herself fall to her knees as she rested her forehead on the trunk. Prim…she could go back to Prim now. Would she blame Katniss? Would Katniss be left to face everyone whose blood was on her hands?

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm sorry."

"Prim," she could feel her chest breaking apart as the name slipped out in a wail. "Prim! Prim! Prim, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Prim."

She clutched the tree as the wound in her side burned with every sob. She remembered leaves across her skin. Rue. Sweet little Rue.

"Rue!" Katniss continued hitting her hands into the tree. "Rue I'm sorry, you have to forgive me, Rue please!"

Katniss continued to wail as her body kept heaving as bile rose up to her throat in waves. Her shirt became wet with the onset of new blood and whatever else was making its way out of her wound.

"Prim. Rue. Peeta." Katniss whimpered into the bark as her body slid down toward the bed of leaves. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

Katniss lay there whimpering and shaking, and as she slipped away, the last thing she saw was the light orange hue of the sky between the trees.