The Enigma of Cornholio Fault

"Geologists continue to be baffled by the rock formation revealed by last month's earthquake epicentered in the mountains just west of Highland, Texas," the reporter said, reciting into the camera from on location at the sight in question. "The formation, which features numerous crevices all in humanoid shape, is believed by sociologists to have been used by Native Americans centuries ago as a kind of death sentence - criminals would be made to enter one of the holes, which extends an undetermined length into the cliff face, and would essentially bury themselves alive. People from Highland have been coming to -"

The newsman was cut off by the guttural laughter of two teenage troglodytes, who had wandered into the shot and begun acting out crude gestures caught on the camera. "You goddamn idiots!" he shouted, dropping his mic and scooping them up by their shirts. "This is the third shot you've ruined! Get the hell out of here!" He hurled them a considerable distance, where they crashed down onto the ground.

"Uh, ow," Butt-head complained, sitting up.

"Yeah, heh-heh," Beavis agreed, rubbing a sore area on his arm. "That guy was a dill-weed."

"Huh-huh, yeah." The two stood up and left the reporter behind, who had started his fourth take. "Like, why did we come here, again?"

"Heh-heh, because, like, I saw it on TV, Butt-head! The hole!"

"Yeah, the bung hole." Both boys chuckled at the clever witticism Butt-head managed to produce.

"But, like, it's my shape, Butt-head! It's my hole!"

"Huh-huh-huh, yeah. It's the only hole you'll ever get," Butt-head sneered.

Beavis bit his lip, agitated at the insinuation. "You fartknocker!" The two began to fight.

"Boys, boys!" A voice interrupted their mediocre combat. They separated and saw Mr. Van Driessen approach them. "Why were you two fighting?"

"Butt-head said I would never score!"

"Huh-huh, yeah, Beavis is never gonna score."

Mr. Van Driessen sighed and decided it would be unwise to follow that line of questioning any further. "I'm surprised to see you two here, actually. I asked the class last week if anybody would be interested in a field trip up here to explore the native culture that we white men have never seen, but you two were the most uninterested. Why the change of heart?"

"Heh-heh, like, I was watching TV and stuff, and they were showing the holes, and like, I saw one," Beavis explained. "It was, like, my hole. It was made for me!" The prospect seemed to excite him, in much the same way that fire did.

Worry clouded Mr. Van Driessen's face. "Beavis, I've heard that several people have already disappeared into this formation, and that rescue attempts were deemed impossible due to the narrow nature of the holes. If you boys want to learn more about the past of the peoples of this region, I'm all for it, but I don't want you to risk getting hurt, Beavis. Promise me you'll stay away from these holes, okay?"

"Uh..." Beavis thought about it. "No?" He didn't really respect his teacher's concern.

The aging hippie sighed again. "Butt-head, will you at least look out for your friend, and not let him into any holes?"

"Uh, don't worry, sir, Beavis doesn't need my help to stay out of holes, huh-huh-huh."

Mr. Van Driessen nodded, relieved (and not having caught the innuendo Butt-head once again spouted. "I'm glad to hear that. I hope I see both of you in class again next week." He bid them farewell before leaving.

"Heh-heh, what a wuss," Beavis snickered. "Let's go find that hole."

The pair explored the area until finally, close to sundown, they found it.

"This is it!" Beavis crowed. "Heh-heh, this is my hole!" Indeed, it did resemble him in silhouette - it even had room for his bouffant hairstyle. "Like, later, Butt-head." Beavis wiggled into the hole, soon disappearing from sight.

"Uh, huh-huh-huh, later." Butt-head turned and walked away. "What a dumbass."

XXXX

Several months later...

Several miles away, on the other side of the mountain, two men patrolled the cliff face at night. Their flashlights were scanning the narrow cracks for any sign of movement, and their ears were perked for unusual sounds, difficult as they were to hear given the echoing nature of the valley they were in.

"How many more...things...are there supposed to be?" one man finally asked. "I hate it here."

"Not sure. The docs said that most of the missing people've been accounted for, but there might be some folks who weren't reported missing."

"Did you see any of the..." the first man trailed off, hesitating to finish the sentence.

"Yeah," the second man admitted with a shudder. "I once saw a woman with burns all over. This was worse. Those people...the agony they must have gone through..." He lingered at one of the fissures in the rock face, far too narrow for any normal human to fit through.

"Hh hh hh..."

"What was that?" both men said simultaneously. "Was that you?" they both asked of each other.

"It wasn't me," the first man confirmed.

"Me neither."

"Hh hh hh..."

The sound was somewhat louder now. Whatever it was was growing closer.

"Oh Jesus, Mary, and Joseph," the first man said, crossing himself. Both their flashlight beams began to perceptibly shake, yet they inched forward nonetheless.

"Hello? Are you out there? We're here to help you!" The second man called out.

"Hh hh hh..." The noise of what must have been a hideously deformed creature was much closer now, and the men swallowed their terror and pressed onward.

They finally came to the hole. A mere moment later the Thing exited, and both men gasped in shock.

"Hey, how's it going?" Beavis said, totally unchanged. "Heh-heh, like, I'm hungry. Do you have any nachos?"

XXXXXXXXXX

Inspired by The Enigma of Amigara Fault, naturally.