A/N: Qwertee are currently having a Vogon poetry competition, and, well, I thought to put a Twilight twist on it. Cover your eyes. Have some pain killers on hand. The third worst poetry in the universe is almost the ideal medium for recounting the second worst* love story ever told.

Disclaimer: I own neither THGTTG nor Twilight but I'm certainly having fun with them.

Oh Flambunctous Bella: Act I

Oh flambunctous Bella
In the miredom of biology class
When I first laid eyes upon you
Your whiffering scent like the vapors
Of an old lady's living room
Did captivate my desterbudent senses
And I did desire to drink your blood
Like a lukewarm cup of tea
That has been stood, drowsily
For days upon the kitchen counter

Never shall I forget
Your follumness when you first did see
My skin poforescently shimmering
Like mould on a birthday cake
Dipped in glitter
And you should wonder
In the vomit yellow light of the meadow
At the appeal of sanguinovorous beings
While you make fluffy gomplelungs
Out of Pushian friends

Oh flambunctous Bella
Why could you not ropendigate?
When I left behind the town
Named of kitchen utensils
To stop you bodithering
Yet you leapt, sompanduously
From a cliff
And I cried out in blomtence
And went to sparkle
As punishment in the land of pizza

*Depending on your viewpoint. I'm placing Anastasia Steele & Christian Grey in first.