And here I present to you the final! Phew, barely managed to finish this in 2014, but I did!

I hope you'll enjoy the last chapter! Thank you very very much for reading!

The words I wouldn't say

That ceiling again. What am I doing, staring at it? I know every single inch of this god-damned ceiling, how many countless hours have I spent studying this ceiling in every single imaginable lighting. Day and night. And now I am staring at it again, as if I expected that something has changed during the last... how long has it been? Half a year?

I sigh. That's not a very long time. In the end I ended up here again, in the same situation. No, it's not quite the same. This time it is different. This time I'm warned that he will come, but still it's impossible to prepare myself for it.

I'll be there in 20 minutes.

That's what he has written. 15 minutes ago. So there are still 5 minutes left, but still I doubt that I can do anything to make it any more bearable.

Where did I go wrong? What could I have done differently? No matter how much I reflect, I can't come up with an answer. At least not with one I would've been able to realize.

I hear voices from far far away, steps climbing the stairs. I try to blend it out, believing that if I not hear it, it's not there. Only a few moments more. Please.

But the time, that's been crawling so slowly before, now found pleasure in tormenting me by running away from me, slipping right through my fingers and before I could take another breath, the door already opens.

"You really look like shit", those words fill the room again. The same words, the same voice, the same tone.

"Is that so?", I answer without taking my eyes from the ceiling.

Did I say the same thing last time as well? Did I even answer the last time? I can't remember at all.

"In the bed again?", Akashi says as he comes closer. A few steps in front of my bed he stops.

"I'm really having a déjà-vu here. It's really familiar. But it isn't the same at all, is it? It's different", he mumbles. It sounds like he is talking more to himself than to me.

"It is?", I sit up and look at him confused. I don't know. Is it any different than last time? And if yes, then how?

"Oh yes, it's totally different this time, don't you realize it? Say Tetsuya... if we had the same conversation today like last time... if I asked you the same questions... if I told you the same things... would your answers still be the same?", he asks, there's no bit of emotion left in his voice.
It must have all vanished during the last year. I know just too well how quick that can happen. But I still don't quite get what he means. What did we talk about last time? What did he ask me? And what did I answer?

"For example, would you say, that you're done with basketball?", he asks me straightforward.

I gulp. Slowly the memories return to me and with them the feelings I have had back then. That incredible disgust of playing basketball, the incapability of imagining to ever play it again. It's been horrible.

"No. I love basketball, I will never quit", I answer calmly.

He smirks slightly and walks a few more steps around the room.

"Is that so? And if I asked you to come with me to Kyoto once again. What would you say?"

"It's still a no. My place is here in Tokyo. With Seirin", I don't even need to think for a single second to answer this question.

I will never forget how confused and irritated he has made me with this question, when he had asked it the first time. This, and all the other questions and confessions that had followed it.

"If that's what you believe...", he almost whispers and turns at me again.

This time he walks right at me and comes closer, stands right before me and looks me right into my eyes.

"And if I told you I want to kiss you, would you still tell me to do whatever I wanted?", suddenly his words are loud and clear and a lot sharper. This time, he asks a question where he really, really wants to know the answer, I feel that. And it hurts me a bit to be unable to give him the response he wants to hear.
"No. I won't let you touch me anymore, no matter what you say", I try to sound as bold and determined as possible, so he would understand, but still I can't bring myself to leave it at that. "I'm sorry..."
Why did I apologize? This would make it even worse. If he really has had this feelings for me... and if he still has them, then...

"What a pity...", he sighs and tries to hide his disappointment behind faked sadness, but I know it's there. "And why? Where is the difference to last time? You are here, alone and heart-broken once again. So why not?"

I open my mouth to say something, but no words come out of it. Why? I suddenly realize that I have no answers for that question. He's right, once again I've been dumped and hurt and my heart aches like hell when thinking of him. The last time it's been Aomine. This time it's Kagami. So where is the difference?

"Tell me, why is your heart still beating this time? Is it, because you actually didn't really care for that... what was his name again?... Kagami?", he asks me and sounds like he's enjoying himself as he imagines it.

This could have hit me very hard now, but somehow it doesn't. Because I have never been so sure in all this time I know Akashi now, that he's wrong. And as I get more assured by this fact with every second, more and more memories of Kagami run through my head and fill my heart with a bittersweet warmth, that almost burns.

"I will tell you if you want to know", I promise him an answer I have yet to come up with, but I feel like it's already dancing on the tip of my tongue, "But first you have to answer me one question."

Akashi seems to be a bit surprised by this. I wonder whether it is the fact that I have something to ask him or the seriousness I have said it with.

He nods slightly and I already regret that I have started this. I feel the urge to stand up, walk to the window and stare outside of it while asking him this one thing that has been raging in my mind for hours now.

But I pull myself together and force myself to look into his eyes while asking him this, because this is the only way to get my feelings through to him. I take a deep breath and finally ask.

"Why did you tell Aomine-kun to break up with me?"

Akashi flinches. He doesn't seem to have expected this question. Neither did I. The real reason why he broke up with me, that's what Aomine has told me today. Ever since then, I try to figure out what to feel about that, what to think about it, but I cannot come up with an answer. I feel neither wrath nor sadness nor anything else of this kind. Maybe, because I've finally managed to get over it.

"Daiki told you this...?", he answers and looks like he wants to find a way to change the topic as soon as possible. But then he sighs and decides to finally get things straight.

"Well, it's true...", he mumbles and makes a few steps away from me. I wonder whether I should remind him that my question hasn't been whether it's true or not. I never doubted that for a moment. I just want to know why he did such a cruel thing to me.

"Well, why, I wonder? Let me be honest, they were multiple reasons. Was I jealous? Yes, I think so. I couldn't stand the thought of you fooling around with another guy. I wanted to have you for myself. Is that what you wanted to hear?", he hisses, disgusted by himself.

"But that's not all... If you had been happy, at least, but you weren't. That guy destroyed you, he took everything from you, treated you like shit and you did nothing to protect yourself. No, you let him rip you apart, day for day and all I could do was watching you. Do you think it was easy for me?"

He wanders around, obviously nervous, and thinks about a way he can present himself less wicked than he is. Than he maybe feels like. Suddenly he stops with the insight, that it's not possible.
"I'm sorry. Are you happy now? I hope you listened well, because I surely won't repeat myself. I was really believing that I was doing the right thing, that it would turn out for the better. But when I saw you afterwards... I told myself that I couldn't know how... conspicuous he'd get. But honestly, yes, of course I knew. But believe me, I never wanted you to become like this. If I had known that it would destroy you completely...", he hesitates, trying to stop himself from a emotional outbreak that wouldn't suit him. "I know you will never be able to forgive me..."

I gulp and let his words sink in. Is that so? I don't know myself.

"It's okay...", I finally relieve him from his pain, "I believe, that in the end it was good the way it went. You are right, this relationship couldn't work out and it had to end someday, somehow..."

"You seriously.. don't regret the way it all turned out...?", Akashi couldn't believe it.

Maybe I'm the only person in this world, that manages to surprise him. To surprise him that much, that he can't hide it. I somehow like this thought.

"No", I answer without a bit of doubt and with that I surprise myself, "I'm glad it turned out like this in the end."
We both make a short pause, neither of us says anything and I start to feel comfortable in the silence until Akashi breaks it again after all and finally says it.

"Because of him, right?"

Kagami. If Akashi hadn't said it, I wouldn't have seen it myself. Yes, no matter how hurtful it all was and what I had gone through, without this all I wouldn't have met Kagami in the end. I wouldn't have been able to create new, great memories with him.

"Now tell me. He broke up with you. Just like Daiki did back then. Why are you not broken down again? Didn't you like him that much?", Akashi has given his answers, now he was expecting mine.

And now I finally can give them. The things Akashi has said reminded me of something I seem to have forgotten. Or maybe I had never really realized it.

"That's not it", I say, "but Kagami-kun isn't Aomine-kun. They have a lot of things in common. But there are even more things that make them different."

How come I have never once seen it? I'm truly unfair. The whole time I have waited for Kagami to get rough, to get mean, to get arrogant, to force me, to use me, to insult me... but he has never done such a thing. And he would never do such a thing. I was so incredibly afraid of getting closer to him, intensifying our relationship, because I knew he would only hurt me in the end. How did he deserve that? It's my own fault that it had turned out like this. As I sink deeper and deeper in the sea of sudden insights, I don't even realize anymore that I'm talking out loud.

"Kagami-kun is warm and kind. He's my light, but he looks at me as if I was his..."

I remember all the times he looked at me with his beautiful eyes and I feel the heat taking over my body. That time in the restaurant, when he held me that burger right in my face and actually asked me out. It was so ridiculously awkward and so funny, I thought it couldn't possibly be real. And even though my mind refused panicking, it was simply impossible to NOT take it.

I didn't care one bit about any consequences, I was just so happy it was almost unbearable.

"He's so thoughtful and cute. He touches me like he believes I could break. And when he kisses me.. I almost could..."

My heart beats so fast, I really fear to burst. When he touches me like that... the lust and passion takes over my whole body. There's just nothing I can do about it, I want him so bad I can't take it.

"And then..."

"STOP", Akashi suddenly interrupts me, I have totally forgotten about him. "I got it. Stop tormenting me like that."

I almost feel a bit sorry and think about apologizing, but Akashi already goes on.

"But you realize, that this is a thing of the past now, right? This is all over."

His words cut deep. He's right. Kagami broke up with me himself, it's over. All I have left are the memories.

"I know, but...", but what? "I will play basketball with him. We may not do anything else, but as long as I can stay by his side and play with him... I'm fine."

How bold can a lie be? I will not be fine. Not tomorrow. Not for the end of this year. But maybe... some day.

"Taking yourself back and throwing yourself into sorrow for the other one to be happy. I hate admitting it, but this impresses me somehow...", Akashi mumbles.

I can't believe how weird this sounds, coming from him. From him, of all people. It makes me a bit mad after all. I wonder if I should say something, but then Akashi sighs loudly. It's a weird sigh, it sounds like he's giving up, like he's finally capitulating to something.

"You really must love him, don't you?"

My throat gets dry. Love. This word. It has driven me through hell, has taken everything away from me, has destroyed me. I have hated this word more than everything else. But now, suddenly, when I think of it in combination with Kagami, all this negative associations are wiped away and leave a warm feeling inside of my belly.

"Yes. I do..", my voice is barely a whisper, but it feels so strong.

Akashi nods one last time, it seems a bit sad to me, then he turns to go. I think he mumbles something like "We're even now..." as he reaches the door, but I don't understand it. Then he opens the door and as my eyes are glued to his back and I'm trying to understand what this all was actually about, they gape and my heart skips a beat.

From one moment to the other, my gaze jumps from the one red-haired in front of the door to the other one behind it. My mind goes blank. I don't even notice anymore, how Akashi shoves the stunned Kagami inside my room and closes the door behind him.

I can't breathe. I don't understand. Kagami? Here? Why? Since when? The whole time? He stares at me with eyes just as big as my own. Though I don't know what it was that shocked him so much.

Suddenly he starts walking towards me. At first slowly, carefully and reluctantly placing one foot after the other, but then he starts to run.

Before I can even attempt to prepare myself, he jumps at me, wraps his arms around me and throws us both on the bed. The last bit of oxygen in my lungs yields his weight.

I gasp and press my hands against his breast. I really want to hug him now, but I'm too overwhelmed. In any respect.

I manage to shove him away a bit and look him in the eyes. They are burning.

"Kaga-", I start without any breath left, but he holds his hands over my mouth as soon as he notices my intention to speak up.

What is it? Is he angry? I don't understand anything at all, I don't get what this is all about.

"You won't stop me this time!", he mutters, overrun by excitement, "Kuroko... I... I love you!"

I feel dizzy. Is it because I still can't breathe? No... he said it. He has really said it. How freakingly anguish have I been because of this? I was so afraid that one day he would get the idea to say something like that and I have tried my best to prevent him from doing so.

Now it was too late. And strangely enough, the panic I have expected won't come at all. Instead I feel warm and tingly and I almost fear that my heart has grown wings and will fly out of my breast.

Is that what mutual love feels like? It's the first time I feel something like that.

Before I can react, he draws his hands back from my mouth and replaces them with his lips. He only kisses me softly, his lips are barely touching mine, but my head already spins and my heart beats faster. How does he do that? My whole body reacts like crazy, like always when he just looks at me a bit.

I wrap my arms around his neck and draw him closer. I want more. My tongue already tickles.

He raises his upper body as if he wants to escape from my demands, but I refuse to let go of him and have him drag me up until we both sit upright.

There he finally manages to push me away, to my very regret, because I really can't keep myself together anymore.

"Hey, hey...", he snickers amused, "You're horny..."

I'm what? No I'm surely not... well, maybe I am. I just can't take it anymore. These emotions are overwhelming me, they make a mess out of my body and I just need some kind of valve to get rid of the pressure. I need sex. This is the way I've always handled this and it has always turned out well. Or has it?

I look in his eyes and can't stop myself from sinking in them. They draw me in, but the longer I stare at them, the less bearable the butterflies in my belly get and the louder the bees in my head sum.

"I love you...", it simply slips out of my mouth. How can I say it so easily all of a sudden, even though I never could imagine to say it again?

It's suddenly a lot better. I feel so much lighter. So this works as well? Why haven't I tried it sooner?

"Why didn't you say so sooner?", Kagami spoke my mind. I gulp.

"I just...", what should I say? That I was so incredibly anxious he could do the same thing to me as Aomine has done back then? How could I impute such a thing to him?

"It's okay...", he saves me, "Better late than never."

He kisses me again, a bit more demanding but still tenderly. His tongue slips in my mound and I eagerly great it. The pressure is back. Ok, I might really be horny.

His kiss is always so sweet, it's really as though he thinks I could break. One day I will tell him that I won't, that my body is used to other things, but for now I relish every single one of his careful touches, his fingertips searching my body.

How much I love it. He's so hot, his fingers, his lips, his tongue, everything feels like it's burning to me. And the heat flows in my body and takes over, there's nothing that I could do about it. Not that I wanted to do anything about it.

Before I know it he pushes me back on my back and starts undressing me. His lips slip across my whole body, I feel his warm breath on my skin and his wet tongue licking my sensitive spots. I shiver and shake, only somewhere in some corner of my mind I realize that this might be the first time he's taken the initiative. I only truly notice it, when his lips find my dick, because this is definitely the first time.

I pant for air as he puts it in his mouth. I can't believe he's doing this. Nobody has ever done this to me. I want to say something to stop him, but all I can utter are moans and quiet screams.

It feels so good. I bury my hands in his hair and press my legs against his body. Why is he doing this all of a sudden?

I feel his fingers touching my butt and his grasp gets rougher, he's almost groping it now. He's drawing back a bit only to go on with wildly kissing my legs.

"Sorry...", he moans, "can't.. wait anymore."

His fingers move towards my hole and continue playing around there. Uncoordinated I reach for the table next to my bed and search for some lube. I put it in his hesitant hands and gasp.

"Here... hurry..", I can't wait anymore either.

Is it just me or does it feel even more intense than usually? I feel him touching me, feel the sticky fluid and his big fingers intruding me. I'm already twitching like I'm about to come, but I will be patient.

He's crawling back up to me again and kisses me greedily as he puts his dick inside me. The pleasure drives me so mad I almost bite his lips. Hastily I free myself from the kiss. Can't kiss him now... I have to breathe, I have to scream, or I'll burst.

I feel him moving inside me, I could swear he's even bigger today than usually. This is simply too much. He kisses my nipples instead and my whole body shudders. Why are they so sensitive? I can't take this!

I can't stop moaning loudly, I can't breathe, his movements are getting quicker. Our eyes meet again. He looks like a wild animal as he thrusts inside me, like he wants to eat me whole. And strangely enough, I wouldn't mind. I use my legs to draw him closer and we both lose it.

We both come simultaneously, he inside me and my body falls back on the bed, shivering completely. Only when it lands exhausted I realize how tense I have been. Is it normal, to feel so good? When has Kagami learned to make me feel that way?
He lets himself fall on me, just es exhausted as I am. I put my hands on his back, but they slip down again. I'm so tired. So incredibly tired. Ever since Aomine has said this thing to me, I can't help but falling asleep immediately after sex. My eyelids become so heavy, I can't keep them up anymore.

"Hey! Don't fall asleep!", Kagami shakes me and softly claps my cheeks, "I won't let you escape that easily!"

I try hard to fight the sleepiness, but I don't really understand what for. Kagami is done, isn't he? He's gotten what he wanted, so I am of no use anymore. And why am I thinking like that again? Right, he said he loves me.

This thought wakes me up again. I see it in his eyes. He really wants me to stay awake now.

"What is it?", I can barely get my lips to move.

"Let's... let's stay like this for a bit...", he mumbles and wraps his arms around me, "but don't fall asleep."

I have to grin. How cute. He wants to cuddle, but he doesn't want to say it. He's so incredibly cute. But who am I, saying this? It's just what I always wanted as well. So I return his hug and close my eyes a bit, but without falling asleep.

"Hey, Kuroko...?", he suddenly whispers in my ears.

"Hm?", I'm not sure whether I am really capable of big conversations now.

"Since when?", he burst out. Seeing my confused look, he realizes that these two words aren't enough and he rephrases his question, but not without turning high red. "Since when do you love me?"

If I wouldn't still feel my butt hurting slightly from his dick, I would almost believe he's a girl.

"Since when, hm..?", I stare at the ceiling and act as if I had to think about it.

Even though I don't have to think about it for a second. I still remember it very clearly, it's a memory that I will surely never get out of my head. And I'm grateful for it.

The holidays after my last year of middle school had just started, but I still haven't made a choice for a high school. I simply couldn't decide, but my parents were freaking out about it. There was barely any time left for applications, but I didn't give a damn about this.

After my parents had shouted at me and wouldn't stop pestering me, I ran out of the house and went in the park. I didn't want to leave my room, but they have left me no other choice. So I was sitting there, under some tree and staring at the sky, thinking about how my life should go on, yet unable to care about it.

And then I heard it. Only slightly, but I knew instantly what it was. It was the sound of a basketball hitting the ground. There were some guys playing basketball nearby and even though I have come to hate this sports with all my heart and felt like running away, my legs somehow carried me there. Before I even knew it, I was standing in front of the street ball court, among with some other guys and all our eyes were glued on this one guy.

He wasn't much older than me, just a middle school graduate, but he was huge and god, he was good. His red hair, wet of sweat, shimmered in the sun as he danced across the courtyard. He was playing alone against five other guys and he crushed them with ease.

A simple jump carried him up to the loop and he dunked it with this mesmerizing smile playing on his lips. Something inside of me changed, but I didn't notice what it was until the excited screams of the people around me had died down a bit. It was a sound, a feeling, I had missed for such a long time. The beating of my heart. All of a sudden, my heart was beating again. And how it was beating. It felt like it wanted to catch up all the heart-beats it had missed during the weeks that had passed.

"Wow, that was awesome! You've got talent! Kagami, was your name, wasn't it?!", someone shouted at the red-haired guy.

"Kagami...", my lips formed, like it wasn't the name of a man but of a priceless new-found treasure.

"Is it true you're from America?", someone else screamed.

"What high school will you go to?", another one's voice, "A guy like you could go anywhere!"

"Huh?", the guy who's name was apparently Kagami pulled a face and snorted, "Anywhere I go, it doesn't matter. It's just Japanese basketball! I'm just going to the school closest to my place. Sei..rin or something like that..."

"Seirin?", someone shouted shocked.

"Seirin...", I whispered to myself.

As they were discussing loudly about basketball at Seirin High School and whether it even existed, I sunk to my knees and fought with all the emotions crushing over me. I've run away from them for such a long time, but that guy made me trip and now they've all caught up with me. In situations like this, I was glad for my lack of presence. But at least I had finally found and answer.

"I think it was love on first sight.", I finally answer him.

His eyes gape, he had surely not expected me to say that. It feels a bit weird, to have that stranger from the street ball court, who has saved me from the darkness, now here in my bed and in my arms, saying that he loves me. But now he's no stranger anymore.

"Really?", he says shocked and I almost fear that he gets crept out by me. "You really should have said something sooner..."

He smiles and hugs me tighter. I sigh relieved. Maybe I should have. I don't bother returning the question to him, I don't think he can rival love on first sight. But it doesn't matter. All that matters is the here and now.

"You won't be gone when I wake up tomorrow, right?", Kagami whispers.

He sounds a bit anxious. I really feel sorry for these nights where I slipped out of his bed and just left, but I just felt like I couldn't breathe anymore. It's different now.

"No.. I'll stay with you as long as you bear up with me", I tell him, "and besides, this is my house..."

"What do you mean 'as long as you bear up with me'?", Kagami raises his head to look into my eyes. He seems to be a bit startled. "Don't think about me. Think about what you want! Do you want to stay with me? Start being a little more selfish!"

I don't know what to say. This confuses me a bit. Me, being selfish? I'm just a mere shadow, I couldn't force myself on him, not more than I'm doing anyway. Or could I? What do I actually want?

I remember the time where I had lost my light, the time when I was all alone. A shadow without his light is bound to be swallowed by the darkness and become one with it. I could never forget how frightening it was, how horrible, I would've rather died. Suddenly I notice how tears are running down my face.

"Stay with me...", I sob. "Don't ever leave me."

Kagami seems to be a bit startled by my sudden outbreak, but then he smiles at me and kisses my tears away.

"I won't...", he assures me and finally kisses my lips.

I love him. How lucky I am to have someone like him to love, someone like him to love me back.

"Hey, want a second round?", he winks at me as he starts to get hard again.

Sighing I clap him on his forehead and turn away from him.

"Idiot, the tournament goes on tomorrow and we'll have some hard matches. We should better get some rest now!"

Kagami pouts a bit, but then he throws himself next to me and takes me in his arms.

"You're right...", he says sulking.

"We'll have enough time afterwards...", I comfort him with a grin on my face, that he can't see.

"Mhm...", a moment ago he wanted a second round. Now he's already half asleep. "Good night.."

"Good night", I lay myself back in his arms, take a deep breath and inhale his smell, then I close my eyes and float away in my first dreamless night since forever.

Well, that's it! Now I'm a bit said... I really love this pairing..

That's been everything from my side, now it's your turn! Leave a review if you enjoyed it or even if you didn't.. Tell me what you think about it, I'd really appreciate it!

This was a little experiment for me, with all these time changes and perspective changes and multiple pairings, but I still hope you enjoyed it!

The third season is about to start, I'm really looking forward to it!

I wish you all a happy new year, maybe we'll see each other again in 2015 in some other fanfic, sequel, spin-off or whatever!

And here a little special for you, my loyal readers!

Omake:

I can't believe what I've just done. Taking yourself back and throwing yourself into sorrow for the other one to be happy, my ass! The first thing I'll do when I get home is cleaning my mouth with soap.

Did I just really leave the guy I've been aching for for almost 4 years in the arms of this blockhead? What's going on with me? I should hurry to get out of here, before I rethink this.

As I've only climbed half the stairs downwards, I hear a loud bang as if someone has just thrown himself on a bed. What the...?

My heart suddenly starts to ache. Why, why must Tetsuya have this horrible taste? And why doesn't he learn?! He's going to be hurt again, I'm sure of it. And then he'll be crawling back to me, just wait! Yeah, sure...

What is this? Is there still some hope boiling inside me? I really wished it wasn't. I really hope our schools will have to play against each other tomorrow, so I can CRUSH them. I'll crush them beneath my shoes like they're some insects and they will crawl before me like rats and I will wonder what I ever saw in him.

Sigh. Who am I kidding?

As I go for the door I almost trip over something, something small and furry. The puppy barks at me complainingly, but then he just stares at me with his big, blue eyes. Oh my god, these eyes.

Without thinking, I grab him and lift him up so I can see his eyes better and to confirm it. It's true, this dog has his eyes. Not only the eyes, he looks completely like him. And the way he looks at me, I wouldn't even be surprised if they had the same personality.

No doubt, this is a small, handy, loyal and good version of Tetsuya. I could teach him some tricks, he'd do what I'd tell him to, he'd never leave me for some idiot and I could cuddle him whenever I want.

HELL, I need this dog.

But there's a little problem. The dog won't let me take him out of the house. And what am I? A dognapper? Am I so desperate now to become a criminal?

This is not fair. Tetsuya already has himself, he doesn't need a second version of him. But I do, I really really do! The first one is already completely corrupted, but this one is still pure.

Once again I sigh. I seriously need to get over him. I should have done this already, when I have caught him and Daiki kissing in the changing rooms. I should have known that I could never have him, but it's just so hard.

I take the dog and hold it tightly, just this one moment of weakness I will allow myself, then I will let him go and when I step out of this door, I will leave it all behind and start anew. Without him.

But just for now I will allow myself some grief.