The Head That Wears the Crown

Chapter One

Broken

Then, happy low, lie down! Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown. —Henry IV, Part II

Her footsteps echoed across the frozen fjord, the wind howling around her, the snow furiously blowing, obscuring her vision. Get away, get away, get away! she thought as she pressed blindly onward.

"You can't run from this!" came the voice from behind her. "This all has to stop!"

She turned to face her accuser. "Please! I . . . I can't! Just let me go!"

"You know I can't do that! One way or another, this winter must end."

"Just take care of my sister! Please! Help her be strong!"

Her pursuer stared at her, dumbfounded. "Your sister? Your sister?! Your sister is dead! You killed her!"

Impossible! she thought. I would never—

"No!" she whispered. "It's not true! Please, God, no, don't let it be true!"

"You know that it's true! You know what you did, you . . . you . . . MONSTER!"

Standing before her, suddenly, was the figure of her sister, frozen, unmoving.

"NOOOOOOO!" she screamed, rushing toward the frozen woman, grabbing her, shaking her, desperately searching for a sign—any sign—of life. "ANNA! PLEASE, NO! NO! NO! COME BACK TO ME! ANNA!"

But the statue that was her sister remained still, refusing to cooperate, and in her head she could hear the familiar buzzing and the chanting began, overwhelming her, consuming her: "You killed her! You killed her! Monster! Monster! MONSTER!"

"GO AWAY! GO AWAY! NOOOOOO!"

Elsa shot up, heart pounding, sweat dripping down her brow. Panting, she looked around, disoriented, confused. What—? Where—?

She was in her bedroom in the palace, the very bedroom in which she had spent most of her life isolating herself from the outside world. Her stomach retched and she fought to contain the bile that rose in her throat. Swallowing, she breathed, slowly, deeply, willing her heart to slow down.

Elsa sank back into the bed, wiping her eyes, trying to clear her head. It was only a dream. Just a dream. Nothing more.

But it wasn't just a dream; she knew that. She was reliving what had transpired earlier that day. She had killed her sister by accidentally freezing her heart with her arctic powers. She had tried to revive her. She had failed. If it wasn't for the fact that her sister had made the ultimate sacrifice before her body completely froze, throwing herself in front of the sword that was meant for Elsa, she would still be nothing more than an ice statue standing in solitude on the fjord.

A knock at the door startled Elsa from her reverie. "Elsa?" came a voice from the hallway. "Elsa, are you okay?"

Elsa froze, every instinct in her body telling her to lie still, to pretend she was asleep, to be the good girl and hide herself away as she had done every day for the past thirteen years.

The knocking was louder this time. "Elsa, it's me. May I please come in?"

Elsa wrestled with herself. On the one hand, she shouldn't let her in, in case she hurt her again. Elsa knew all too well how dangerous her powers could be. But on the other hand, it would be so nice to finally allow somebody in, even if just for this once. Her voice quavering, she quietly called out, "Come in."

The door opened and Princess Anna entered, her gaze calm, yet Elsa could sense that her sister was worried about something.

"Hey," Anna said. "How are you? I mean, Your Majesty, what—"

"Enough with the formalities, Anna," Elsa said, waving her hand. "There are no titles in here. It's just you and me." For the first time in years, she thought.

"Right, of course," Anna said. "I, um, well, I just thought I heard something and I thought I would come in and see how you're doing."

"I'm fine," Elsa said flatly, obeying the silent command she had given herself every day for years. Conceal, don't feel. Conceal! She glanced up at Anna, who was still looking at Elsa, a concerned look on her face. "You don't have to worry about me, Anna."

Clearly, Anna didn't believe her. "Elsa, are you sure you're all right? You've been through so much and—"

"I said I'm fine!" Elsa snapped. As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she silently cursed herself for losing her temper.

At Elsa's rebuke, Anna stepped backwards, a pained look crossing her face. But Anna didn't back down. "We both know that's not true," Anna said.

"What do you want from me?" Elsa asked, desperately trying not to lose her patience again.

"I want . . . I want to be your sister again," Anna said. "I want to talk to you, and I want you to talk to me, and I want you to trust me, and know that you can tell me anything, because I want you to be happy."

"There's nothing to talk about," Elsa said. "It's been a difficult few days for both of us, and the sooner we move past them, the better."

Anna sat on the bed next to Elsa. "I agree," Anna said. "But we can't move on until we talk."

Frustrated, Elsa turned away, crossing her arms. "Oh, Anna, why can't you just leave it alone? I told you, I'm fine!"

"Because I can tell you're not fine!" Anna replied. "I can see you trying to bottle everything up inside again, and I know you have to be hurting, and I just want you to . . . to feel again, to know it's okay to have emotion. You don't have to pretend anymore, Elsa! You don't have to be afraid!"

"ENOUGH!" Elsa roared, and a wall of ice coated the bedroom.

Horrified, Elsa shrank back, desperately trying to get away from Anna. "Get away from me, Anna! You can't be near me! It's not safe!"

"Elsa, it's okay," Anna said. "Please, just let me in!"

"Let you in? How can I let you in when . . . when . . ."

Elsa sank to the floor, her face a contorted mess of conflicting emotions.

Gently, Anna sat next to her. "Please, Elsa," she said. "Let me help you. I want to know. I want to understand!"

Elsa turned to her sister, her loving, optimistic, hopeful sister. "What do you want to understand?" she whispered.

"Elsa, I know about . . . them," she said.

Elsa's defenses were back up. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Elsa, don't try and deny it. I've seen it over the years. You would be talking to someone and suddenly you would just stop. You would look . . . somewhere else, like you were having a conversation only you could hear. But I never figured it out what it was. And then, when you did it at again the ice palace, when you told me to get away before you couldn't control 'them' anymore, I knew."

Oh, God, Elsa thought. She thinks I'm insane! Am I insane?

Elsa took a deep breath and exhaled. "Okay, Anna, I'll admit it. It's true. I've heard . . . voices."

Anna moved herself ever-so-closer to her sister. "When did you first hear them?"

A pained look crossed Elsa's face, memories rushing into her mind that she had long ago tried to bury. "The first day I locked myself in this room."

Anna nodded. "What was it like? I mean, hearing them and everything."

"Anna, I—"

"Elsa, you need to talk about this. Please. I won't judge you. I just want to help you."

Elsa paused, trying to find words to describe the sensation. "It was like . . . It was like trying to have a conversation with someone in a crowded room. You try to focus on what you're doing, what you want, but all the while, there's this constant buzzing in the background and you have difficulty remembering what it is you're trying to say." She took a breath. "That's what it was like, on a good day."

"And . . . on a bad day?"

Elsa's face paled, beads of sweat forming on her brow. "It was like being ripped in two," she whispered. "Like someone, somehow, is all around you, screaming at you to do something you don't want to do, and you know you shouldn't do it, so you fight back. But you don't even know how to fight back, because you can hardly concentrate at all, there's so much noise. And not just background noise that you can teach yourself to ignore. This was . . . this was screaming, howling, the most horrible sounds you've ever heard in your life, only far, far worse. And the insults . . ."

She bit her lip, struggling with all her might to keep from breaking down. "The things they would call me . . . you know you shouldn't believe them, because they're only trying to break you. So you try and try and try to ignore them. But . . . eventually, you hear them so often, you begin to believe they must be true."

Anna took her sister's hand, not wanting to know the answer but knowing she had to ask the question, because Elsa needed to answer in order to have any hope of recovering. "What did they call you?"

Elsa's lip trembled. Don't break! Don't break! Conceal! Conceal! "Freak. Abomination. Unnatural. Unholy. Unwanted. Unloved. Monster."

Anna's heart sank into her stomach, the full magnitude of what Elsa was telling her beginning to sink in. How is she still sane? Anna thought. What kind of hell has she been through for all these years? How could I have been so blind?!

"That's why I couldn't believe that you did what you did on the fjord," Elsa said, nearly at her breaking point. "I couldn't believe . . . still don't believe that you sacrificed yourself for me, because I . . . I . . ."

She couldn't contain it anymore. Tears burst from her eyes, cascading down her face, over and over and over again.

"Oh, Elsa!" Anna cried, wrapping her arms around her older sister and holding her as tightly as she could, refusing to let go as years of pain and despair flowed from Elsa in waves of sorrow.

"NO!" Elsa cried, struggling to escape from Anna's arms. "Don't touch me! I don't deserve it!"

"What, Elsa?" asked Anna, not understanding. "What don't you deserve?"

"Any of this! Your love! Your forgiveness! Your compassion! I don't deserve any of it because those are only for good people, not monsters like me!"

"Elsa, you know that's not true! You know you're not a monster!"

"Really?!" Elsa sobbed. "I . . . killed . . . you! I KILLED YOU! Does a good person do that? Is that what you think a good person does?!"

"It was an accident!" Anna replied, pulling Elsa even closer. "You didn't do it on purpose! You were only trying to protect me! I see that now. I was the one who pushed you too far! I was the one who didn't see how much you were suffering! I was the one who was so focused on my own desires that I couldn't . . . wouldn't see how much you had sacrificed for me!"

Elsa closed her eyes and allowed Anna's soothing touch to calm her, to bring her back from the brink of despair. Another chilling thought crossed her mind. "How . . ." she whispered, throat dry, lips parched. "How can I do it, Anna? How can I rule our people? How can I possibly be queen when I'm so . . . broken?"

"You're not broken, Elsa," said Anna, looking directly into her sister's eyes. "You are the bravest, most courageous woman I have ever known."

Elsa tried to look away, but Anna would have none of it. "No, Elsa, you listen to me now! You suffered for years, sacrificed your happiness, your very existence, because you love our people. You did what you thought you needed to do to keep them safe. You were tormented day after day after day by horrors I will never comprehend, and you did it all because there is so much love inside of you!"

Anna lifted Elsa's left hand and held it in front of her sister's face. "Look, Elsa. Look! The Eden-stone shines now, more brightly than ever, because of your love. Would Father have entrusted it to you if he didn't believe in you?"

The ring on Elsa's finger glowed with an intense, burning flame. Anna smiled, brushing the hair from Elsa's eyes.

"You have spent your whole life showing your love for others, Elsa," she said softly. "Now, it's time for you to learn to love yourself."

Elsa stared at the ring, its glow willing her to be strong.

"It wasn't just for our people, Anna," Elsa said. "The real reason I sacrificed was because . . . because of you."

"Me?" Anna asked.

"Yes," Elsa said. "When the . . . when the voices were at their worst, when I was almost to the point of losing my sanity, my identify, I would see you in my mind and I . . . and I would know that I had to be strong, to keep you safe. Because if I allowed myself to give in, I would hurt you. And I couldn't live with myself if I did."

Anna hugged her sister even more tightly. "We're together again, Elsa," she said. "You and me. And we will get through everything we may face together. We don't have to be apart anymore. Let me be with you."

Elsa turned to Anna and smiled. "Yes," she whispered. "I would like that . . . very much."

Anna stood, smoothing her nightgown. "Well, we'd better get back to bed. It's late, and you have a big day ahead of you tomorrow. You're going to need all the sleep you can get, and—"

"Anna," Elsa whispered, pleadingly. "Can you . . . can you . . . I mean . . ."

"Yes, Elsa?" Anna said, watching as Elsa struggled with her thoughts.

"Would you stay with me? Just for tonight? I've been alone for so long that I . . . I . . ."

"Of course," Anna said, kissing her sister on the cheek. "I'd like that very much too."

The queen and the princess held each other, not daring to let each other go lest something separate them once again. And for the first time that Elsa could remember, her dreams were peaceful.

AN: This is going to be a series of vignettes that detail Elsa's first year as Queen of Arendelle. I enjoyed writing the dialog between Elsa and Anna so much in my last fan fiction that I found I can't stop now. This will be a character-heavy piece, in which the emotions and thoughts of our characters are explored. I strongly suggest that those who have not yet done so read my work, Voices, in order to know the backstory behind this work.