My entry for the 2014 Valentine's day challenge at Simply Love.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

I'll be the one, if you want me to.

Anywhere, I would've followed you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

The words of the Ian Axel song reached my ears, floating above the sweaty, gyrating bodies around me, making my lips twitch in a sardonic smile. It was an odd song to play in a discotheque, but the horde of people dancing below didn't seem to mind the slightest. They were drunk on something other than alcohol. Something far more potent than any poison mankind is aware of; love. It was in the very air, cloyingly, sickeningly sweet but lethal when ingested. It doesn't kill you right away, it destroys you, slowly, steadily, one sane thought at a time till there's nothing left but the hollow shell. The being inside is obliterated.

It's a testament to humanity's rather bizarre obsession with the macabre that we actually have an entire day to celebrate this toxin. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I'm talking about Valentine's Day. It was that cursed day where everything was about hearts and roses and teddies and unicorns and their rainbow farts. I hated the day with a vengeance. Everywhere I saw, couples were glued together by their lips, their bodies meshed together so tightly that even air struggled to get a toehold. And here I was, sitting with a mug of beer in my hand, hoping that the bitter taste would somewhat dull my foul mood but I was dubious.

Had you asked me a year ago, I'd have said that it was one of my favorite days. I would collect gifts for my friends and family, treat myself to chocolates and spend the night with Jan Di doing a chick-flick marathon. But then So Yi Jeong happened and everything went spinning out of control.

I first met him in high-school via common friends and we quickly became friendly. I harbored a tiny (read humongous) crush on him forever that hadn't diminished even after eight years. But I was resigned to the fact that there was nothing that was going to happen between us and I had made peace with that. I was always a friend of a friend and so 'friend-zoned' and while that hurt a little, I didn't let that bog me down. Being the sole heir to one of Korea's biggest conglomerate, he was way out of my league anyway. And given that he was a renowned playboy, he was perpetually surrounded by women far classier and prettier than I, so why would he have the need to look at me? But then, exactly one year ago, everything changed. One after another bounds of friendship were broken by both of us and we kept getting closer and closer. But then I broke the cardinal rule and fell in love with him and consequently today, sitting merely six feet away from him I felt as though the Grand Canyon was between us.

I sat in the lounge, surrounded by our friends, but never have I felt so alone. The music blaring from the speakers was loud, but it couldn't drown out the shriek of his silence. Without the warmth of his arms around me, even the stuffiness of the club felt like icy winds. The strobe lights weren't enough to guide me out of the darkness that surrounded me for his bright smile wasn't there to show me the way. I missed the feel of his soft lips on mine. I craved for the errant way his hands travelled over my body, igniting embers of passion. I longed to wake up next to him once more, to behold his sleep mussed hair. I needed to feel his toned body cradling me, sweaty from our amorous activities. Instead all I had was this prevailing, permeating, and resounding silence.

Our eyes met and I didn't find the passion, lust, desire or the tenderness in them that I was accustomed to. Instead all I saw was a frigid distance. Never once in the nine years that I've known him have I felt so alienated from him. He had erected the Great Wall of China between us, only it was made of blocks of ice. I lowered my eyes and looked into the tiny bubbles in the glass rising to the top endlessly. My mind left the discotheque and travelled back in time to the day that started it all.

One Year Ago

If there was something that the F4 knew, it was how to throw a party. Normally someone like me wouldn't even be a part of this party because this was a gathering of the richest of the rich people in Seoul. And while I was not poor per se, I was nowhere in their league. Had it not been for Jan Di and her bizarre love-story, I wouldn't have even known the F4 outside of the tabloids. Colored by the outrageous stories in the papers, I had assumed that they were a bunch of spoilt Chaebols who knew nothing about the challenges of life. Coming to know then I realized that I wasn't mistaken in thinking that they were spoilt Chaebols. However they had an incredibly endearing side to them as well. Even though our societies, lifestyles and statuses were poles apart, the F4 never made me feel like I was an outsider. They welcomed me, the awkward friend of Jun Pyo's girlfriend, as a member of their own and I was glad to be a part of their world.

On the evening that started it all, I was attending the Valentine's Day party at Song Woo Bin's mansion. The theme of the party required women to be dressed in red and any gown that was suitable for the occasion was going to be way too expensive for me. So I scoured the Internet and fashion magazines and made a gown for myself and it was a piece I was extremely proud of. The sweetheart neckline bodice was made of blood-red crushed silk (not real) with white rhinestones at the waist. The flaring skirt, also made of red was knee length in the front and ankle length at the back. I added a pair of bright red stilettos and my grandmother's crystal bracelet. It was a dress perfect for the occasion, or so I thought.

One tiny little detail had escaped my mind – the party was poolside. Which, given the winters in Korea, was brutal. I was freezing down to my bone-marrow and that tiny fire-pit was doing nothing to warm me up. So there I was, standing in front of the little pit, quivering down to my toes, trying desperately to stay warm. I wondered why none of the other girl seemed too bothered by it, despite being scarcely clothed and figured that maybe it was owing to the gallons of alcohol they were chugging. Me? I was ever a lightweight. Anything more than a beer and I would be seeing doubles and given the current conditions, I didn't exactly fancy a chilled beer.

"Cold?" an awfully familiar voice sounded behind me, making my skin break into gooseflesh.

"Freezing!" I replied putting up a genial smile.

So Yi Jeong chuckled slightly, "Woo Bin is a sadist I tell you. I have no idea why he decided to host the party at poolside, other than getting some weird kick out of seeing people freeze."

I snorted and then tilted my head at the girl who was dressed in the tiniest outfit of them all. "Aren't those girls cold? How are they staying here? I'm about ready to bolt."

"They are. But they won't say it," at my quizzical expression he continued. "In this world, vanity weighs heavier than honesty. They'd die before admitting that they chose the wrong wear for a poolside party. But I have to ask, why did you choose this? I thought you were more sensible than them. I was expecting to see you in a sweater."

I grinned sheepishly, rubbing my hands together for warmth, "Would you believe it if I say that I was so focused on making this dress that I forgot about the location of the party?"

It started as a guffaw and then he doubled over in laughter. Finally recovering from the laugh, he surprised me, "Want to bail?"

My eyes widened, "What? Won't they notice?"

"Who exactly?"

I turned to look at our friends and realized that his assessment was accurate. Ji Hoo was snoozing on a pool chair. Jan Di and Jun Pyo were locked in a lovers' quarrel and Woo Bin was surrounded by at least four girls. We were not going to be missed. Perhaps he saw comprehension dawn on my face because suddenly he grasped my hand and started to drag me out of the party. It was a miracle that I hadn't spontaneously combusted given the amount of warmth that engulfed me at his contact.

"Sunbae, shouldn't I tell Jan Di?" I was hedging, but I'll admit that I was both scared and excited to be with him.

"Believe me, you don't want to interfere their LQ. It never bodes well."

He was right of course and with that ended my cache of excuses. Pathetic, right? I allowed him to drag me and he led me to a silver Mercedes. I welcomed the warmth of the car and let out a relieved sigh, "Wow. I didn't realize how much I needed this. Thanks Yi Jeong Sunbae."

He smirked, "Glad to be of service Your Highness. So, where do you want to go?"

"Anywhere that's not cold, crowded or loud."

"That excludes about 95% of the places that have a party on."

Once again I realized just how different we were. I had completely ignored his fast, hedonistic lifestyle. "Oh I'm sorry. You want to go to a party? I'm fine with it."

"Nah," he drawled. "I too want some peace and quiet. Let's go to my place and do a pizza and movie marathon, what say?"

That was my ideal way of spending Valentine's Day evening and I found myself agreeing to it enthusiastically. So later that evening, I was at his house, watching the ending of 'P.S. I Love You.'

"Oh my God!" he said as the credits started to roll. "That was torturous."

For the first time since knowing him, I was spending time with him like this and as the evening progressed, I felt my inhibitions melt away. So I didn't even pause to think as I picked up a cushion and hit him on the face, which he dodged laughing.

"I swear I couldn't believe that you actually cried for this."

I was still sniffling and thus my protest sounded feeble, but I made it nevertheless, "She missed him! It was beautiful!"

"It was a chick-flick."

"Whatever."

"Next we watch something I choose."

I grudgingly agreed. Minutes later my jaw dropped, "Finding Nemo?"

"It's heaps better than what you chose!"

I shook my head slowly, "I expected some action movie from you, not a cartoon."

"Animation!" he corrected me vehemently. "It's not a cartoon. Disney Pixar is a legend!"

"If you say so."

I must admit I did enjoy the movie a lot. Dory was my particular favorite. She was simply adorable. Yi Jeong Sunbae wouldn't stop gloating about his choice. Next was my turn and I had to choose a movie that would get him to shut up. So after a lot of deliberation I selected Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. It was a movie that both of us were enjoying.

Halfway through the movie, I felt his hand settle on my knee. Looking back I think that probably was the moment that I should have backed off. But I didn't. I'll admit that I liked the gentle touch of his palm on my bare knee. He wasn't doing anything else and I wasn't pushing his hand away either. He appeared to be engrossed watching Harry learn the intricacies of Quidditch. I too tried to focus but I couldn't. All my attention was focused on that tiny area that was alight like the sky on New Year's. His thumb was drawing small circles on my skin and my breath was quickening. I kept trying to concentrate on the movie and Professor McGonagall's arrival on the screen succeeded to some extent. But then his hand moved further up and whatever little focus I had on the film was lost. Inadvertently a gasp escaped my lips and he looked straight into my eyes, never once removing his hand.

His eyes were glaring at me with an emotion that I identified as unbridled lust, simply because I felt it as well. I don't know what he saw on my face, perhaps my true feelings, because he slowly leaned forward and joined his lips to mine. I froze, but only for a moment before my body took over and I found myself responding to him. His hand moved further up my thigh, while the other cupped my neck to position my head. My own hands wound around him, fingers digging into his back.

I don't know how but I ended up on the couch with him on top of me, kissing me passionately. He was untangling my hair and I was undoing his tie. All rational thought had escaped my brain. All I could think of was that I needed him at that moment and if his actions were anything to go by, he too felt the same. Neither of us cared when our clothes left our bodies and landed on the floor.

"God! Ga Eul! You're so beautiful," he breathed heavily between kisses.

I've never felt more beautiful. His tongue lined along my neck, down to the base of my throat, then the collar bones and eventually settled on my breast. I arched back with a groan, giving him greater access. He slowly let go and gently blew on the moist nipple, making me shiver.

He was making me feel things that I wasn't ready for. His hands were roaming all over me and I was losing myself completely. His mouth closed over my other nipple and whatever little thoughts I had left abandoned me completely.

"Yi Jeong!"

His lips moved from my breast down to my stomach, making me groan. He was pushing me to the brink of insanity. When he entered me, I scrunched a little at the pain and he instantly stopped.

"Are you ok?"

I bit my lips and nodded. With a move of my hips I indicated that I was ready and then we began the dance known to humanity since the beginning of times. We climaxed within moments of each other, shivering. He gave a final thrust before collapsing on me. A few minutes elapsed before I gently pushed him off me and stood up. Wordlessly I started to dress as he watched quietly. The movie continued in the background but it no longer held my interest. I didn't meet his eyes and picked my bag up. I started to walk out when he called.

"Ga Eul…"

I paused at the doorway and whispered, "This never happened."

With that I walked out of his house.

Two months had elapsed since that fateful night of Valentine's Day and we hadn't spoken a word since then, save for the time where he had dropped by my home and handed me the post coital pill to ensure that I didn't end up with an unwanted pregnancy. Naturally I hadn't breathed a word about that night to Jan Di and in the couple of times that I'd met the F4 in that time, I could safely deduce that he hadn't said anything to them either. But now, I was about to be sorely tested for I was to spend four whole days in his company.

The F4 had an odd ritual of taking an impromptu vacation once a year and inevitably Jan Di and I were dragged along and this time, the chosen destination was New Caledonia. For the first time, even Jun Pyo's luxurious private plane seemed claustrophobic because one person was aboard it. It was a herculean task for me to keep my eyes to myself and I couldn't wait for the plane ride to be over. On one occasion our gazes locked and neither of us could look away. I couldn't read the emotion in Yi Jeong's eyes, nor could I quite fathom the expression on his face but what I did know was that, upon meeting his eyes, I felt like I had put my finger into a power socket. After what felt like an entire Geological Era, the plane finally touched down on the runway.

New Caledonia was what I'd dreamed paradise would be. The clear ocean twinkled in the sunlight like a jewel made of emeralds and sapphires and the beach looked as though it was made of crushed pearl. The novice photographer in me was thrilled to bits and I couldn't stop clicking. After the tense plane ride, I definitely needed this time all to myself. Jan Di and Jun Pyo were nowhere to be seen and neither was Ji Hoo for that matter but then the latter was probably sleeping in his cabin. I couldn't see Woo Bin and his girls either and that didn't surprise me much. That left Yi Jeong and I was just glad that he was not showing his face to me.

The rest of the day passed uneventfully. Dinner was an uncomfortable affair where I was seated next to Yi Jeong. Granted he didn't say a word apart from a greeting but his proximity was nerve wracking and I heaved a sigh of relief when I retired in the safety of my cabin. Jun Pyo had ensured that each of us had a cabin to ourselves; I guess that it was his way of guaranteeing that he could meet Jan Di whenever he wanted to, without me becoming a hindrance.

Whatever be the reason, I couldn't have been happier. I loved Jan Di to death but after that anxiety riddled dinner, I needed some time to myself. I changed into my lime green satin nightie, put on an episode of Dancing with the Stars and settled on the bed with a glass of Pepsi. I'd purchased this nightie on an impulse, just to feel sexy, but it had been lying in my closet all these months, unused. Finally, in complete solitude, I could gather up the courage to wear this tiny, revealing number and feel good about myself. All in all, I was glad that I took this vacation, even with the added headache and heartache that came in the form of So Yi Jeong.

Although I would never admit it, but that night I spent with Yi Jeong was the best one of my life. He had been tender, gentle and very careful with me. He had treated me like a porcelain doll, giving top priority to my needs. I didn't regret that night, not for a moment. In fact, truth be told, I couldn't have asked for a better way to lose my virginity. Tomorrow, even if I got married to someone else, that night would still be one of my best memories.

But at the same time, I couldn't bring myself to face him either. I sometimes wondered what he thought of me. Did he think I was easy? A slut? One touch on the knee and the next thing I'm doing is having sex with him? Did he think I was like that with everyone else? Whenever I thought back to that night, these derogatory thoughts followed on their heels and my cheeks would redden with mortification. Every time I saw his face, I wondered if he saw me as one of those innumerable girls who threw themselves at him and even the thought of that was unbearable for me.

These unsavory feelings had been haunting me ever since that night and I was about ready to scream in frustration. I was stuck in a mental rut and was sick of going around in circles. I was about to shut the TV and go out for a walk to clear my head when I heard someone knock on my door. Thinking that it was Jan Di, I opened the door without checking and to my intense surprise, found myself staring at a disheveled Yi Jeong. "We need to talk."

My first instinct was to let him in but I thought the better of it, "Not now. You're drunk."

He snorted, "Drunk is the only way I can talk to you."

"No," I said firmly and tried to slam the door on his face but he was faster than me and stopped the door with his hand.

"GA EUL!" With a growl he pushed the door and forcibly stepped inside, slamming it behind him. Suddenly conscious of the spaghetti straps, the inadequate length and body-hugging quality of my nightie, I took a couple of preemptive steps behind and covered myself with my hands. He smirked, "Is there a point? Haven't I seen it all?"

Rage and embarrassment colored my cheeks and spurred my tongue, "HOW DARE YOU? I told you never to mention it!"

"And I followed," he shot back. "For two fucking months, I kept my mouth shut. But I can't. Not anymore."

My heart thudded loudly in my ears as I tried to be steely, "Please Sunbae, you're drunk."

"No Ga Eul. I'm not drunk. I drank just enough to loosen my tongue but not enough to lose my senses. Now I will say what I have to say and you will listen. "

"Fine. Speak."

"I can't stop thinking about you. You walked out on me, leaving me with 'this never happened'. Do you have any idea what those words felt like?" He was steadily closing the distance between us and I was running out of room to retreat and before I knew it, my back was against a wall. Quick as a lightning, he bridged the gap and slammed his hands on the wall, trapping me. "I've honored your wishes, even though it killed me. You wouldn't even look me in the eye, but I still kept quiet because that's what you wanted. During these months, all day today, I waited. I waited for you to say something to me, anything but you acted as if I didn't even exist! Do you think I'm someone you can just bed and forget?"

My hand flew and met his cheek in a resounding slap. "You are the last person on Earth who has the right to talk like that! How many women have you walked out on? All this bullshit that you're feeding me here, it's only your bruised ego talking. You couldn't believe that some girl could just shrug off a night with you and move on. Too bad though because it's all over and done with. Get over it So Yi Jeong. Chalk me as one of your conquests and forget about it."

I pushed him away and had barely taken a couple of steps when his fingers closed around my hand and yanked me back against the wall. His eyes were blazing and I could almost feel the anger emanating from him. "Conquest? You think you're one of them? Do you really think you're like them?"

"Oh no! I know I'm not. I'm nothing like them. I'm a commoner," I spat the word out at him.

I could hear his teeth gnash. "Is that what you think? Do you really think that I brought you home that day to sleep with you?"

"Didn't you?"

His movements became discombobulated as he ran his hands through his hair, his jaw hanging half open. "I don't believe this. You…," he shook his head. "You actually think that?"

"Yes."

"You foolish woman!" Without elaborating further, he crushed his lips on mine, kissing me hungrily. My rage flew out and I found myself opening up to him. Our hungers matched each other and one kiss turned into many. His lips left mine and travelled down to my bare shoulder and then moved back to my lips. He hooked his thumbs under my straps and undid the flimsy nightie with ease. I didn't even notice my state of undress because I was busy taking his clothes off, which were far too many if you ask me. Halfway through, he hefted me in his arms and gently deposited me on the bed.

Our undergarments were on the floor in a rush. He cupped my breasts and kissed them gently. His slightly trembling hands moved all over me, making me quiver. "Yi Jeong!"

He gave an appreciative groan, kissing me once again. I pulled him closer to me, arching my body into him. I wanted more, lot more. Very slowly I parted my legs and welcomed him inside. If sex with him the first time had been good, it was incredible this time around. When we climaxed, I was lost to the world.

He rolled off me and pulled me closer to him, nestling against my back. "You're not a conquest Ga Eul," he whispered into my ears. "You're much too precious for that."

I leaned back into him, reveling in his warmth. Somehow, I just knew his words to be true. "I know."

"Please tell me that you're not going to ask me to forget about tonight as well?"

He sounded so earnest, I turned around to look at him. "No Sunbae. I won't."

His thumb underlined my lips gently, "Yi Jeong. Just Yi Jeong."

"I don't call you that."

He was drawing small circles on my back, his devilish smirk back in place. "You do. In the heat of the moment you do."

I felt my cheeks heat up and I had to duck to hide my embarrassment. The bed shook a little with his laugh. "I love the way my name sounds when you say it."

"You're very mean."

"Guilty."

I curled further into him, finally letting go of my inhibitions. "Yi Jeong, what now?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, where do we go from here?"

"I see only one option."

I looked up, "And that is?"

"You become my girlfriend."

I scowled in mock anger. "Don't I get a say in this?"

"Of course. It's up to you whether you want me as a boyfriend or not, but I already consider you as my girlfriend."

I laughed and snuggled into him. "I'll have to think."

"Really?"

"Really."

"REALLY?"

"Hmmm."

He turned me on my back and moved over me. "Really?" he asked exaggeratedly.

"Really."

"Hmm then I'll have to resort to some form of coercion to make you say yes."

"And what would that method be?"

Without warning Yi Jeong started to tickle me. I squealed and laughed, squirming under him but he wouldn't relent. Finally, laughing uncontrollably I agreed. Yi Jeong lay down next to me, as the two of laughed our hearts out. When the laughter ended, he cradled me against him and spoke gently, "I like that nightie. Wear it more often. You look very sexy in it."

"Will do." I lay in his arms, perfectly content.

"Ga Eul, can I ask just one thing of you?"

"Hmm?"

"Don't fall in love with me."

I chose not to respond to that odd request and he didn't bring it up either. Instead I focused on what was my primary concern then, "Yi Jeong? Can we keep all this a secret? I don't want Jan Di to know about us just yet."

"Why?"

"Well, not to be rude or anything, but given your reputation, Jan Di will freak out and you'll probably end up being in the receiving end of her spin kick. I somehow doubt you want that."

"Touché. We'll tell them whenever you are comfortable with it."

Having a clandestine affair with So Yi Jeong was much like playing with fire, thrilling and scary at the same time. After that first night, he crept into my cabin every night for the duration of the vacation and we had some torrid love making sessions. We spent many hours talking about everything and nothing. After having known him for eight years, I was discovering the man that lay beneath that glittering exterior. I learned about his distaste of caviar and he learned how hopeless I am with numbers. We found a shared love for chocolate ice-cream, the American TV shows Breaking Bad, Supernatural and Mad Men. I discovered his aversion to K-Pop, especially TOP. He would firmly say that he found the whole 'fangirling' phenomena revolting. I called his bullshit out, stating that he was simply jealous because TOP was claiming share on some of his fanbase.

I also learned the hard way that his family was his anathema. The chain of events that led to the said discovery were bittersweet and will remain etched into my memory forever. Such is the clarity of my recollection that I even remember the date.

The day of August 11, 2013 had dawned to be a bright and sunny. I had stayed over at Yi Jeong's place last night where we had had a romantic dinner, a couple episodes of Breaking Bad and then ended up having a session of slow, unhurried love-making. I remember that I was having a pleasant dream that was suddenly interrupted by a loud noise. I shot up on the bed, unsure whether I'd actually heard it or was it in the dream. Since I'd woken up from a deep sleep, it took me a few moments to gather my bearings before I realized that Yi Jeong wasn't next to me. Surprised I climbed off the bed and grabbed the first piece of clothing that came to my hand, which turned out to be the shirt he'd worn last night. I threw it on me, stepped out of the bedroom and gasped. Yi Jeong was sitting on a Chintz chair, wearing just his pants, his face grabbed in his hands, one of which was bleeding profusely.

"Oh my God! Yi Jeong!" I ran and kneeled in front of him, taking his injured hand in mine. "What happened?"

He remained silent and expressionless.

"Where is the first-aid kit?"

He nodded towards the bathroom, still without a word. I ran and got the kit and resumed my earlier position to clean his wound. I felt his eyes burning me but I didn't look up at him, my attention was entirely focused on tending his injury.

As I was tying his wound, I asked, "What happened Yi Jeong? How did you cut your hand so badly? And why on Earth were you just sitting here? Why didn't you at least wash the wound? It helps with the bleeding you know. Luckily the cut isn't so deep that you'd need stitches but it's still bad. How did this…"

"Go home Ga Eul," he ordered in a dispassionate voice.

My head snapped up, "What? Why? I thought we were spending the day together.""

"Yeah, change of plans. I'll call you. For now, you're going home.""

"Please Yi Jeong, don't do this," I pleaded. "I can sense that something is wrong. Please, don't shut me out like this. Say something."

"Ga Eul please, not now. Just leave me alone!"

"No!" I screamed. "I'm not going anywhere till you tell me what's wrong. Something's bothering you and I can't let it slide. Tell me Yi Jeong!"

"Ga Eul, go. I'll call you later."

"No!" I stood up, insistent. "You're clearly disturbed and there's no way I'm leaving you alone. Please, Yi Jeong, tell me what's bothering you."

He stood up with slow, deliberate movements, looked me in the eye and said, "Ga Eul, just because we spend some time together doesn't mean you're entitled to know everything about me. Don't forget your limits. Get out."

Yi Jeong had just slapped me without lifting a finger. The bandages dropped from my hands as I stared at him aghast. I guess it was self-preservation that made me bolt into the bedroom. I'm proud to say that I didn't let a single tear escape my eyes as I dressed and marched out. I however couldn't stop myself from taking one last look before leaving, but he was looking out of the window, his back turned to me. I quietly closed the door behind me and ran out of the swank house. I managed to keep a stoic demeanor all the way home but alone in the sanctuary of my room, my composure cracked. I curled into a heap and cried my heart out.

A week had gone by and I hadn't heard a word from him. Torn between anger, humiliation, hurt and worry, I was a nervous wreck. On one hand I couldn't help but feel used and thrown, while on the other hand I was beside myself worrying about him. The image of him sitting there on that chair, wounded in more ways than one kept coming back to me, tormenting me. Deep down, I knew that something was wrong with him.

For what was probably the millionth time in that week, I dialed his number and disconnected it before the call could go through. Perhaps it was pride, but I refused to be the first to call. Besides, why should I, I argued, after all he was the one who had been a jerk, not me? He was the one who owed me an apology.

"Place that call already," Jan Di's voice cut through my musings.

Oops! I was out with Jan Di on a girls' day – lunch, movie and some shopping. I had been distracted throughout the lunch and all the way to the mall, and now at the entrance of the mall, Jan Di had apparently lost patience.

Hastily hiding my phone, I looked up, "Wha… what?"

"You've been fiddling with that phone the entire time we've been together. Clearly you're dying to talk to whoever it is you're trying to call, so why don't you just do it? And who are you trying to call anyway?"

I shook my head, "No one. You have the tickets yet?"

"Nice save! Yes, I have the tickets. But is there something that you need to tell me?"

"No. Why?"

She shrugged, "You've been acting a little… cagey… these past few months. And today I see bags under your eyes. You look like you haven't slept in days and now you're fiddling with that phone incessantly. I know you're hiding something from me."

I looked down at the floor, chewing my lips, trying to come up with a plausible excuse to placate her when she let out a squeal, "OH MY GOD! GA EUL!"

Startled I looked up and my jaw dropped at the sight in front of me. From the third floor to the ground floor of the mall hung a massive hoarding containing my photograph. Written in big, bold, cursive font was the message 'I'm sorry Ga Eul. Yi Jeong'.

All the half formed excuses fled my mind and a squeak escaped my lips. Moments later the man himself stepped out from behind the hoarding and right there, in full view of hundreds of people, he walked out holding a bouquet of red roses. He was giving me the brightest smile I've seen on his face. I stood rooted on the spot, unable to move, as he approached me. As he got closer, I could clearly see his ashen pallor and blood shot eyes. Since I was sporting a similar look, I knew exactly what that meant.

"Am I forgiven or do I need to do something more?"

From the corner of my eyes, I could see Jan Di's head swivel from one side to the other, trying to connect dots. "What's all this?" my voice was barely audible.

"I was an ass the last time we met," he explained. "A simple 'I'm sorry' wouldn't suffice, would it?"

"Yi Jeong Sunbae, care to explain?" Jan Di piped up.

He turned to Jan Di and breezily said, "Yeah. You see my girlfriend is angry with me, and justly so. I'm trying to woo her back."

"GIRLFRIEND?" she squealed. "GA EUL?"

"Indeed."

She turned to me, her eyes wide. "Why didn't you tell me?"

I however had eyes only for Yi Jeong. I didn't even realize that I was crying till he thumbed my tears away gently. "Sorry. I've hurt you a lot, haven't I?"

I took the bouquet from his hand and threw my arms around him, forgetting all about Jan Di. He hugged me back tightly amidst hoots, wolf whistles and clapping. I could also hear some girls screaming in disappointment but it all drowned out when he lowered his head to whisper in my ears. "I'm sorry darling. I'm so, so, sorry. Forgive me?"

I nodded, unable to speak. Jan Di and the crowd faded away when his lips joined mine in a soft kiss. All the questions, insecurities, humiliation and uncertainties washed away.

An hour later we were in his apartment. We sat on his bed, cuddled together. He was slowly running his fingers through my hair. Although it had been a tough task, but he had managed to shake off Jan Di, convincing her that he would tell her everything that she needed to know but right now we had to talk things through. It was only when I had pleaded that she had reluctantly given in.

"I should tell you what happened."

I turned to look at him, "You don't have to."

"No, you deserve to know. That day, I woke up before you. I was planning on surprising you with a breakfast in bed when I got a call from my father. Apparently he caught wind of 'our little alliance' as he put it and ordered me to terminate it. He categorically told me that either I leave you or I lose my inheritance."

"What? That's ridiculous! Why would he issue an ultimatum like that?"

He gave a mirthless smile, "My family is all sorts of screwed up. The So's can write an entire encyclopedia on failed marriages and disastrous relationships. There isn't one single success story in the entire family. And to top it all up, we pride ourselves for our blue blood."

"And mingling with a commoner is frowned upon," I completed when he seemed reluctant to say it.

He nodded. "I got angry and broke the glass I was holding."

"Hence the cut. So, why are you here now?"

"I basically told my father to stuff it and mind his own business and that I'm going to do what I want. Strangely, it was my mother who came to my aid. She's somehow convinced my father to back off for now. But I know this isn't the last of it. There will be backlash, I know."

"So, what now? Are you breaking up with me?"

"No. Call me selfish but I want you near me," he admitted honestly. "When I'm around you, I'm happy and at peace. I don't want to lose that. I don't know how long I can stay by you though. Tomorrow my family might pull the rug from beneath my feet and I wouldn't know what to do. But for now, I'm here. I don't know what's in store for tomorrow but…"

"We'll cross that bridge when we get there. Let's make the best of what we have now."

He kissed me thoroughly and when he withdrew both of us were left panting. "Don't fall in love with me Ga Eul," he said out of the blue. "You deserve so much better. You deserve certainty. Not someone who can't even guarantee that he'll be there."

I chose not to reply.

Unsurprisingly the discovery of our affair was met with resounding approval by the F4. The guys loved me and I was overwhelmed by the way they welcomed me as Yi Jeong's girlfriend. Predictably Jan Di had reservations, but because I was happy, she gave a reluctant approval.

Months passed by and we were getting ready to welcome 2014 with aplomb. Jun Pyo, in his usual exuberance, had thrown a party in Jeju Island and all of us were dragged there. A huge, makeshift platform by the beach served as a venue for the party. Sometime before midnight, the party was fast reaching a crescendo when I felt a familiar hand on my wrist. His breath tickled my ears, "Come outside."

Needing no further encouragement, I ditched the party and walked out to the beach with him. We walked on the shoreline, hand in hand with Yi Jeong, under a starry night while cold water tickled your bare feet with every wave. It was one of the best things I've ever experienced.

"This is such a beautiful night," I sighed. "I wish this could last forever."

"Amen to that."

We fell into compatible silence, walking along for God knows how long, letting the magic of the night surround us. The waves sang a melodious symphony and we were enchanted. A large boom sounded behind us and we saw tiny little sparks spread in the sky. Yi Jeong pulled me closer and said, "Happy New Year Ga Eul."

"Happy New Year Yi Jeong."

We stepped closer and kissed. The kiss didn't have passion, lust or heat. It was a simple kiss that didn't even involve tongues. But it had something else, something very special. It had love. My eyes were still closed when we broke apart, I was still under the night's spell and the words escaped me before I could check them, "I love you, Yi Jeong."

Of the innumerable times that I'd said these words to him in my dreams, never once had the reaction been like the reality. In my dreams I had seen him lift me up, twirl me around or laugh out loud as he said that he too loved me. But now, in the cold cruel reality of life, he merely stepped away looking at me expressionlessly. After what seemed like eons, he finally spoke. And to my horror, the only emotion I could discern in him was disappointment. "Why Ga Eul? I asked just one thing of you, just one. Why would you do this?"

Without explaining or giving me a chance to say another word, he turned around and walked away, leaving me with the charred corpse of my heart.

A nudge to my ribs snapped me from my perusal of my beer mug and brought me to the present. Exactly forty-five days ago, I had confessed my feelings to Yi Jeong, only to be stonewalled. Since then he hadn't spoken a word to me. All my calls went unanswered and every time we met, all I got was a stony silence.

"Won't you dance?" Jan Di wondered.

I shook my head, "You go on. I'll come later."

She nodded and walked away. I silently thanked providence that my normally nosy best friend had not tried to pry. Across the lounge sat Yi Jeong, his face turned away from us, eyes fixed on something indiscriminate.

The song 'say something' was long since over but the lyrics continued to resonate in my mind, making me think how closely it mirrored my life.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

I'll be the one, if you want me to.

Anywhere, I would've followed you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

Yes I'd have done anything for him. I'd have fought with the world, I'd have stood up to any adversity, but to what avail? What was the point of struggling if the one I was fighting for wasn't willing to stand by me? His silence was slowly chipping away at me, destroying me, one cell at a time. I was losing hope, I was beginning to give up.

And I am feeling so small.

It was over my head

I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.

I'm still learning to love

Just starting to crawl.

I was breaking. I was beginning to feel insignificant. His apathy was going to be the death of me. My love was nascent and I couldn't bear the way it was slowly dying. Our eyes met yet again, and another bit of the song's lyrics came to me.

And I will swallow my pride.

You're the one that I love

And I'm saying goodbye.

I held his gaze for the longest time and silently wished him goodbye. I was done. I had waited enough. Love was beautiful, painful and yet a horrible mistake. Love took you to the highest of peaks and then mercilessly pushed you down to the deepest abyss.

My eyes still fixed on him, I put down my mug, picked up my belongings and walked out. I hoped that he'd gotten my silent message. I'd have liked to say that I didn't care if he got the message or not, but unfortunately I couldn't. I did care. I cared deeply. Even as I walked out, I wanted him to follow me. I was frustrated, broken and on the verge of giving up, but apparently not nearly as badly as I thought. I figured that I was a masochist. How else could one explain my inability to sever my ties with him, even while it was slowly but steadily killing me?

I stepped out of the club and breathed in lungs full of air trying to compensate for the stifling grief within me. I treaded along the footpath with heavy, weary steps. I knew not where I was headed, all I knew was that I was trying to put as much distance between myself and him as I could. Around me the world was drowned in shades of red and pink. Seoul was celebrating love – my bane, my addiction, my ruination. My head bowed, I had no idea where I was headed to and was surprised to find myself at the Namsan Tower.

I made it all the way to the top, helped myself to a cup of cheap coffee from the machine and walked out to the viewing area. Beneath me lay Seoul, glittering and winking in the night. I could see the central highway, choc-a-block full of cars with one stream of bright yellow and another stream of red running in opposing directions to each other. For once I forgot all about Yi Jeong and the pain in my heart. This was a breathtaking sight and I let myself drown in the beauty. I must've been far too engrossed by it to have not heard him.

"I had no idea you could walk this much."

I must've jumped like two feet in the air and turned to find So Yi Jeong in the flesh standing behind me. To anyone else, he would've seemed a picture of poise, with one of his hands tucked in his pant pocket. But I could discern signs of exhaustion in him, namely his slightly loosened tie, the undone button at the top, his blazer hanging from his arm, his somewhat ruffled hair and his slightly increased breath.

"What're you doing here?" I asked, trying to inject as much iciness as I could.

"I followed you."

"Why?"

He gave a half-smirk, "Did you really think you could say goodbye to me so easily?"

My surprise knew no bounds. He had understood my unspoken message. Once again astonishing me he took a couple of steps towards me and said, "Yes I did understand your unsaid words."

"How?"

"What do you mean? Who else will, if not me?"

"Don't start that again. I've got your message loud and clear Yi Jeong, so don't go down that path now."

He nodded, "You're right. I shouldn't be doing this, but I can't stop myself."

I scoffed and turned away. The scenery that had enraptured me mere moments ago, now did nothing to distract me from him. He came and stood next to me, thankfully maintaining a distance. "It was exactly a year ago that I approached you."

"I now wish you never had," I spat back.

"I deserve that," he acknowledged. "But have you ever wondered why?"

"Millions of times. I figured you were bored and I was readily available for entertainment, the naïve, gullible fool that I am."

I heard him mutter an expletive under his breath, "You couldn't be farther away from the truth."

I turned to face him, my eyes blazing. "Oh really? Then please enlighten me! And the complete truth Yi Jeong, for the first time in this relationship, speak the truth!"

When he turned, he looked incredibly pained. "I've never lied to you Ga Eul, never. But I am guilty of withholding something very crucial."

"And what would that be?"

"The reason I approached you that day, the reason I asked you to be my girlfriend and why you would never be a conquest."

I remained silent, my lips pursed as I waited for his explanation.

"I love you Ga Eul. Always have."

Have you ever felt extreme jubilation and deep betrayal course through you at the same time? It rips you apart, as though you're being quartered. The ache in my heart was unbearable and I couldn't stop the tears that escaped my eyes. Instantly he was in front of me, reverently brushing them off. I waited all of six seconds before I'd had enough and slapped his hands off. "DON'T TOUCH ME!"

His eyes shut close as if he was accepting what I gave him. "What the hell do you think I am? Some kind of doll that moves at your command? You ask me to sit so I sit and when you ask me to stand I stand? Don't I have feelings? When I confessed my love for you, what did you do? You made me feel insignificant! Like you were disappointed in me. For forty five days you stayed silent. I waited and waited for you to say something, anything but all I got was silence. Absolute, heart-breaking and devastating silence. And now you show up here and say that you love me? Is this a joke? Because I'm not laughing!"

"I'm not joking Ga Eul. You're angry and you have every right to be but please, just once, hear me out. That's the only thing I'm asking. After I've said my piece, then you're free to slap me, hit me, scream, insult me, walk away. Whatever you want. But just hear me out."

I crossed my arms and remained silent. Taking that as his cue, he continued, "I have no idea since when I've loved you. Perhaps from the moment I laid my eyes on you, I don't know. All I know is you were the one I wanted the most and the one I kept myself away from. You were far too pure for me. I didn't want to sully you with my company. But that night when I saw you standing by the fire, you looked so beautiful, I couldn't stop myself. Before I knew what I was doing, I asked you to come to my house. Trust me, all I wanted to do was spend time with you. I had no intentions of taking things any further."

"Yet they did."

He nodded, "And then you left, just when I was about to tell you the truth, you told me to forget about it. It killed me, but if that's what you wanted, I was willing to do it for you. But it drove me mad, I couldn't bear it. I had to come back to you, just to talk to you. I had to tell you, just once, I had to tell you how much I love you. But yet again, things didn't go as planned and I ended up asking you to be my girlfriend."

"Then why did you say that I shouldn't fall in love with you?"

He ran a hand through his hair, an absent-minded gesture he did when he was distressed. "I was scared. Selfish and scared. My entire lineage is full of nothing but disastrous relationships, I didn't trust myself enough to have anything that would last. I was fairly sure that I would botch things up and look, I did. But I wasn't strong enough to let you go either, not after everything. So I selfishly kept you close to me, but I was too scared to make a commitment. Then my father intervened and I realized that staying with you, I risked losing everything. I actually contemplated letting you go, but again, I couldn't. I needed you. But then I saw your sleep deprived, tear stained face and it occurred to me that maybe you were falling for me. I was scared of what I'd do if you did."

"So that's why you reminded me not to fall in love with you."

"Yes. And then you confessed your feelings and my worst fear came to pass. I deemed myself unworthy of your affections. Scared and uncertain, I pulled back. I thought that I was protecting you. I thought that I would eventually do something that would break your heart, not realizing that I already was. And then my dad declared that he's fixed my marriage."

Despite everything, the news hurt making me gasp. I took a couple of deep breaths to calm my nerves, "So why are you telling me all this now?"

"Because I want you to know that I'm not scared anymore. The only thing that scares me is a life without you. I'm not ready for that. I'm here to let you know that I'm going to fight to keep you by my side. You're worth it."

"And your father?"

"It's time he chooses what it is that he wants, his son or his pride."

I sighed deeply, rubbing my face with both my hands, "I'm sorry Yi Jeong, but the past forty-five days have been hell for me. I can't find it in me to forgive you or trust you again just yet. This is the second time that you've pushed me away, leaving me hanging. Who's to say it won't happen again? I'm sorry, but I'm not ready. I love you Yi Jeong, I really do, but I don't know if I trust you or not."

"I don't blame you, you've every right to be skeptical. You're angry, and rightly so. But I'm not giving up on you either. I'll to prove it to you that I mean it when I say that I'm going to stand by you. Will you give me that chance, please?"

I closed my eyes trying to make up my mind. My heart was screaming with joy but my mind was cautious. Eventually, as always, my heart won and I nodded in agreement. He grinned widely and rushed to embrace me, but I took a step back. "No. Not yet. I'm not ready."

He quickly masked his hurt and smiled. "I understand. Thank you for giving me the chance. Happy Valentine's Day Ga Eul."

"Happy Valentine's Day to you too, Sunbae."

Silence descended as we watched Seoul from above. I was keeping him at an arm's length now but deep down I knew that I'd already lost the battle. I was his, mind, body, heart and soul. There was no way I could keep resisting him for too long, I knew I would crumble. Part of me had already forgiven him but I couldn't let him know that. He had hurt me badly, he needed to know the pain he'd inflicted. So I was going to take a while to get back to him, but I knew I eventually would. After all, in his arms was where I belonged.