*Authors Note: All credit is due to alittlenutjob and her truly fantastic idea to create this collection of mature *ah-hum* fics before the hiatus ends. (The collection can be found and will be updated on AO3, under the collection name: The M Project.) Her suggestion that we lean in to the weird/fabulous reality that is MK's ficfic comment from SXSW inspired the title and idea behind this story. -alittlenutjob, you're the best!

"You really don't have to do this if you don't want to."

"Well, it's a little late for that now, Danny." She flicks her hair over her shoulder and turns in front of him. "Help me zip this thing up."

"I can't believe you bought a new dress."

"Anything worth doing, and all that. I'm not going to half-ass this thing. If we're going to make this believable we're going to have to lean in to it." It takes some real effort tugging the zipper all the way up. Mindy turns back around to him and smooths a hand down his shirt. "Besides, this is going to be fun."

"Only you would think that."

"Exactly. Which is a good thing for you."

"True. You want a drink?"

"God, yes. Vodka please. And don't let us leave without me brushing my teeth. It'll ruin the whole thing if I reek of alcohol."

"You're going to use my toothbrush again, aren't you?"

"Yep. If I have to keep being your fake fiance though, you might want to just buy one for me to keep here."

He knows she's kidding. Still, he pictures it for real, her toothbrush next to his by the sink. He throws his drink back and pours another. This is such a shit idea. For the last two weeks Danny has played the moment over and over in his head of when he and Amy wound up in the elevator together and she bombarded him with questions about "Chloe" and how the pregnancy was going and why hadn't she seen her the last few weeks? Danny was so caught up in maintaining the lie that it wasn't until after she walked away he realized he had just agreed that he and Mindy/Chloe would attend her holiday party.

Mindy takes the glass he offers her and drinks half in a quick gulp before setting it back on the counter and striking a pose, bowing her back slightly and pushing out her stomach, a strategically placed hand there. "What do you think, Danny? Can I pass for a pregnant woman?" Her eyes narrow for a moment, "And choose your words carefully."

"You look gorgeous." Her eyes flash in a way that makes him nervous. It's a fine line they're walking tonight and he needs to watch it. Danny clears his throat and plays it off like getting in character. "You're practically glowing, honey."

"I am glowing. It's the grease from all those tacos I ate before I got here. The things I do to make this look authentic." She straightens back normally, removing her hand, and the dress she bought two sizes too small doesn't actually look bad on her at all. It's tight as hell, but that's doing some amazing things to her body, leaving absolutely nothing to the imagination.

"Oh, I almost forgot." Mindy sashays over to the couch where she dumped all of the stuff she brought with her, showing up an hour ago with three bags full, still dressed in her scrubs. She returns with something clutched invisibly in her hand. "Here. It seems only right for you to do the honors."

She drops the skin-warmed metal in his hand and Danny's heart leaps into his throat. It's a big, glitzy ring. One that looks impressively expensive, but not garish. It's exactly like the ring he would pick out for her. If, uh. No. Because. He isn't - would never -

Shit.

Mindy's regarding him expectantly, her mouth pushed together in a watchful smile, and he should probably say or do something instead of just breathing heavily and staring at the object in panic like she just handed him a grenade.

"Where did you get this?"

She shrugs, "The department store. It's super fake, I think I only paid like 40 bucks for it and it will definitely turn my finger green by the end of the night. But I figured by now you would have remedied that whole blood diamond situation. Didn't want Amy getting suspicious."

"Yeah. Right." Her hand is warm when he takes it in his, and he hopes she doesn't notice when he slides the too-real looking engagement ring past her knuckles that his fingers are trembling.

She holds her arm out appraisingly and wiggles her fingers. "You have excellent taste," she smiles as the light glints off the rock. "You know, you should buy me a real diamonds for doing all this for you, Danny."

He should text Amy and tell her they can't come. There's no way he is going to make it through this night intact. Mindy put so much effort into it, though. God knows how much time and money has gone into this character she created. It would probably be gentlemanly of him to offer to reimburse her for everything.

Okay. They're doing this. "Here. Finish your booze so we can get your fake-pregnant ass to this party."

She swallows the last bit of vodka in her glass without so much as a wince and pads quickly in the direction of his bathroom. "Teeth. Two seconds."

"Fine. Just - at least rinse it off well when you're done, please," he calls after her.

Danny pours one more drink, a small one, and it's probably a bad idea; he's not even feeling the first two yet. Then again, he is chock full of bad ideas lately, so what's one more.

She is back surprisingly quickly, slipping on her unusually low pumps, because of the baby, and then it's time to go. Mindy leans into his shoulder, her arm laced through his, as they walk out into the hall. They haven't even made it to Amy's door yet and her touch and the drinks are already starting to make his skin buzz.

He's going to make a fool of himself tonight, he can feel it. Not only that, there's also the added potential of maybe even losing a good friend while he does it. And he'd get angry about it if it weren't for the fact that every bit of this - with the exception of how sexy she looks in that fucking dress - is his fault.

Amy is pleasant and a good hostess, and Danny realizes this is the first he's ever seen her in a social setting. It makes a him a little disappointed he didn't give her a chance. If things were different he might talk to her about it, see if they can try for real this time. Only there's this list as long as his arm of ridiculous lies they've told and there's Mindy across the room looking stupidly beautiful in a way that makes his chest tight and there isn't any coming back from either of those things.

Mindy's been working the room since the moment they got here. The attention she's receiving from being mysterious, gorgeous, and pregnant has an effect on her; he's never seen her more charming. Occasionally she'll smile in his direction, giving a tiny wave of her fingers, and three different people have come up to him to ask if she is his fiance. When he says yes - even the fiction of it making him feel stupidly proud and possessive - they all gush about how interesting and beautiful she is and what a lucky man he is. One woman also makes a comment about how exciting it must have been spending that year in Africa volunteering at the school their good friend Oprah built. Danny just nods at that and says nothing.

Everything is going smoothly. The food is in decent sized portions, and since Danny switched from vodka to tonic water after they got here he doesn't even have the gnawing feeling in his gut like he's going to destroy something.

Until.

There's this slick looking douche bag who's been hovering around Mindy for a while that Danny doesn't like the look of. Something about him reminds him of Josh and that makes his fingers twitch to draw up into a fist. For a while he ignores it. Then the guy touches her arm, leaning in to say something in her ear, and he's had enough. They may not really be engaged but this dirtbag doesn't know that.

It takes him a second, winding through the room to make it to them, and when he gets there Mindy has her most dazzling smile on and is laughing at whatever the guy said. Nope. This is not happening.

Danny slides his fingers across her shoulders and into the soft hair at the nape of her neck. He thinks he actually feels her shiver when he does it, but more likely it is her subtly trying to shake him off. He nuzzles a kiss high on her cheekbone. "Hey, babe. What are you guys talking about?"

He can feel it when her eyes cut to him and he assumes that it's her death-glare. He can't be for sure though because he's staring Josh 2.0 square in the eye. Mindy's voice is low when she replies. "Zander was just telling me about his work at the UN."

"International secrets, huh? Guess that's why you gotta whisper it."

Danny doesn't break eye contact and Zander at least has the manners to look a little embarrassed. "It was nice speaking with you, Chloe. Excuse me," he says, then walks away.

"What the hell was that?" Mindy hisses at him through gritted teeth.

"He was hitting on you," he says, voice matching hers so they won't be overheard.

"My point! He's super hot and into me, Danny. Think about what a good story this will be to tell our children. How we met at a party while I was pretending to be this mysterious woman of the world, and how, despite me being engaged and carrying another man's baby he falls in love with me anyway. For god's sake, that story is better than the last five Katherine Heigl movies I've seen."

"Well look him up on MyFace or whatever later. Tonight you're here with me. So be with me."

She's looking at him challengingly, game face firmly in place, and suddenly whatever it is she's going to do to make him pay for this strikes fear in his heart.

"Okay, Danny. You're right. I'm sorry."

He swallows hard. "Yeah - sure. I'm going to get a drink. You want anything?"

In a clear voice so the people standing nearest them can hear she replies, "Yes, but I'll go with you, sweetheart. You've been all the way on the other side of the room all night and I've missed you."

A lady a few feet away from them actually sighs and murmurs under her breath what a sweet couple they are. Danny wants to turns and say something to her about minding her own damn business, but then Mindy is slipping her hand in his and placing a lingering kiss on the corner of his mouth and he understands now what it is she's going to do. It's sexual warfare and he's going to be annihilated.

It takes her running her lips up his neck and nipping at the skin behind his ear while he pours himself a compromise drink of vodka tonic; her slipping her hand in his pocket with the excuse of being cold when they get trapped talking to one of Amy's coworkers; and Mindy draping her extremely not cold hand on his upper thigh when they sit down on the sofa, before he snaps.

She is so gleefully messing with him, a smile permanently drawn across her lips every time she looks up at him through her lashes. She thinks it'sfunny, because every time he squirms away from her touch she thinks it's because it's making him uncomfortable. It's not. Not in the way she means it to anyway. But if she slides her fingers any farther up his thigh she's going to understand why he's got his legs crossed and a pillow angled strategically over his lap.

So he starts battling back while she's chatting with a woman in the chair next to them. He has no idea what they've been talking about the last ten minutes, just keeps nodding thoughtfully during pauses. Mindy is saying something enthusiastically and gesturing with her free hand when he slips his pinkie under the hem of her dress. She stumbles over the word she was saying before regaining her composure, the other woman looks momentarily concerned.

The next time she's better prepared. When his whole hand slips under her skirt and he's actually touching the skin of her inner thigh - the material hiking up a few inches and Danny shifting the pillow over so no one will see - she only sucks in a deep breath and closes her eyes for a moment.

Danny lets his fingers rest there. This is war but they're not uncivilized and he doesn't want to make a scene. Still though, after a few minutes he can't help himself and gently moves the tips of his fingers on her skin.

Mindy immediately clamps down hard on his thigh, fingernails digging in through the material of his jeans. Message received. He retreats. "Excuse me for a moment, ladies."

Danny strides as confidently as he can muster to the bathroom and shudders when the door is finally locked behind him. It takes a few minutes splashing cold water on his face to calm the way his heart is racing and reduce the blood boiling in his veins to a simmer. He dries his hands a takes a deep breath before opening the door to rejoin the party. Mindy is standing on the other side when he does.

Before he can say anything or make a move past her she comes in and shuts and locks the door behind her. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"What do you mean, what the hell is wrong with me? You're the one who started it."

"Oh, come on, Danny. I barely touched you."

"Really? For the last twenty minutes your hand has been about half an inch from my penis."

Mindy's eyes go wide at that but it doesn't diminish any of her indignation. "Maybe so, but at least you have on pants! What the fuck am I supposed to with your hand shoved up my skirt?! In front of a minister?!"

"Wait. She's a minister?"

"Yes! For god's sake, we've been talking about the differences between the Protestant and Catholic church the entire time we've been sitting there."

Okay, that does make him feel a little bit like a shithead, because, come on, a minister. But it's still not his fault. "Look, I'm sorry you can't take what you dish out, but I'm not taking all the heat for this."

Her jaw clenches hard and she looks down at the floor. "Fine. It's all my fault. Have we been here long enough? Because I'd really like to leave now."

Oh. She's legitimately upset. "Yeah, sure. Of course." Mindy stalks out of the bathroom ahead of him and he follows quietly.

When he gently takes her hand as they walk up to tell Amy goodbye she doesn't pull away and it makes him feel like maybe she isn't as angry as he thought. And as soon as they're in the hallway she jerks it away again. Fine.

Mindy doesn't say a word and when they walk back into his dark apartment, going straight to the couch and throwing everything she brought with her back into the bags.

"You are seriously mad at me about this, aren't you?" he can't help asking.

"Yes!" She jerks her heels off and shoves them in the bag, pulling out her sneakers and dropping them to the floor. She sighs. "Just - kind of. I don't know."

"Well for the record, I'm not thrilled with you right now either."

"Alright, fine. I embarrassed you. I'm sorry. I thought amorous fiance is what you wanted from me, so, I don't know. Next time Amy invites you to something tell her I died."

"Ugh," he shoves a frustrated hand in his hair. "It is what I wanted, but - it's too much. It's unfair. I can't handle having to look at you in that dress and have you smiling like you mean it and touching me. It's too much. And, okay. That is my fault. If I can't handle it then I never should have asked you."

Mindy stops what she's doing to look at him. "What do you mean, it's too much?"

"You! With that stupid-tight dress on, and - Ever since you walked out of my room wearing it I've had to force myself not to grab you and - And then you put your hand on my leg, and, I don't know, I couldn't -"

"I'm sorry. For all of it," he says, and she's frowning at him and he feels like such an idiot. "I think you should go, Mindy."

She doesn't move and if she won't go then maybe he should. A long walk might do him a lot of good.

"You should do it."

"What? Do what?"

"Grab me."

He can see her swallow and he can't tell if she's being serious right now. Before he can question it she's there in front of him and her hands are on his neck pulling him to her, mouth open and eager against his.

He immediately sinks into her kiss, bending her back with more force than he intended, his arms wrapping around her and hands hungrily roaming her back and down her ass, pulling on her to grind closer. Mindy moans into his mouth, and they are both wearing too many clothes right now.

He's frantic, jerking down on the taut zipper of her dress, the rein on his self control slipping away from his grasp. She does this to him somehow; he's never been able to keep his cool when it comes to Mindy.

She's tugging free the tails of his button-down, her fingers skittering along the front of his jeans when she does, and Christ Almighty, he needs her to touch him. She moves her hands up to start unbuttoning his shirt and he can't seem to get the zipper past her shoulder blades, both of these things making him growl in frustration.

"Just rip it," she says, her voice thready. "I'm never going to wear it again anyway."

Oh, he can do that, with pleasure, the sound of seams tearing satisfying. She must think so too, because Mindy groans when he does it and forgoes finishing undoing his shirt, pulling the front apart with enough force it pops one of the buttons off. "Sorry."

"Don't be." The dress is easy to jerk down her hips once it's unfastened, and with her standing before him in nothing but black, lacy underwear, he wouldn't be concerned if his apartment was on fire, much less care about a stupid button.

As much as he enjoyed having her try and undress him, it's taking too long and Danny, quickly toeing off his shoes, yanks the rest his clothes off until he is standing there same as her - both in only their underwear like a matched set.

Now that they're standing apart, the lack of her touch making his foggy head clearer, it becomes very real what they are doing. And he should be doing this right, she deserves to know. "This isn't sex."

She pulls a face like maybe she thinks he's stopping this suddenly. "Well, it could be if you wanted it to be. It probably should be, because we're kinda at a place where it's going to be uncomfortable if we don't finish."

"No, sorry, I didn't mean - What I meant was not just sex. The sex is definitely happening. Just -" he takes a deep breath and dives in. "I want you to know before . . it . . that that isn't all this is. For me."

"Okay. . ." She's nodding her head and blinking rapidly in the way he knows is a nervous gesture and he takes a step closer to her so their bodies are nearly touching.

Mindy sucks in a sharp breath when he glides his hand slowly across the bare skin of her waist. "Is that how you feel too? Or are you just using me for my weird body?" He smiles as he says it, only because he's optimistic about her answer, and lets his lips ghost her chin lightly, feathering up her jaw until they linger against the shell of her ear.

"Uhh, no. No, that's - that's pretty much same here."

It's different this time when they kiss, some of the urgency gone and replaced with something he doesn't know how to name. It's patient and testing and sensuous, and as he steps them back and he pushes her body into the sofa with his it takes conscious effort not to add other, more serious adjectives to that list.

He takes his time touching her, removing the last garments separating them and exploring as he goes, noting the way her reactions change depending on where his fingertips are grazing. Already he's learning that there's a spot of the back of her left knee that is sensitive, and how she likes to be kissed along the arch of her rib-cage right below her breasts.

When she wraps her legs around him, prodding him to move, the way their bodies slide together perfectly stuns him, her name falling from his lips.

Indiscriminately she's murmuring against his temple, her hands widely spanning his back, urging him.

She is glorious when she comes, keening brightly, her eyes going wide before squeezing tightly shut. He isn't long after her, and he thinks, somewhere in the vibrant, blinding haze, he said three very serious words he shouldn't have.

And he thinks he may mean them.