~ Loyalty ~

There had always been a lonesome quality to remaining faithful, Kano found.

Whether it was ideals, or someone else's cause, or really, just a single person- it came close to being isolating, teetered so dangerously close to the edge of destructive—

To a person like him, it was the vicious circle inside the spinning motion of a coin. One side showed the comfort of being needed, appreciated, loved, even, whereas the other showed others' faith and expectations and, perhaps, even their very fates, hanging in the balance for as long as there was trust needed to be upheld.

It was a delicious cleft between two things that could make or break a person. On good days, he liked to believe that there was still hope for him, that he was doing the right thing, just protecting those dear to him, doing them a service even, because of course, Shuuya, make yourself out to be a good person, a good boy, yes mama loves you very much—

On the bad days, he didn't even bother deluding himself into thinking he was a functioning human being.

But if only he could mean something to someone- if he could be worth placing trust in, if he could have a purpose, if he could be used like others' pathetic little plaything- if only he could mean something to someone, he could go on living for another day or so.

And it wasn't even a pretty way of living- it was wretched and sad and it kept on tearing at him, until he'd eventually give and rip apart- but at least he knew how to exist like this. It kept his blood flowing, at the very least, kept his breath going and his bones moving; and there was a time when he even might have felt alive.

So, back when Big Sis had still been around, when she'd told him that she needed him, couldn't make do with anyone else, that it has to be you, Shuuya, so please help me out—back then, when the one person who'd shone brighter than all others and had been needed more than the rest of the whole wide world had pleaded for him to help her out, Kano had come alive for a brief instant.

He'd lived and breathed and gone in his sister's stead, time after time, and he'd begun harbouring emotions that weren't for him to express, had started to speak in a manner that didn't suit him at all and before long, he'd turned bitter and lonely and had, somewhere in the middle of it all, lost sight of himself. But Big Sis praised him- did she ever- and told him how she needed him, kept him going, told him she loved him and that- only that- was enough.

(But Kousuke still looked at him like he needed his pity.)

(And Tsubomi always seemed to have something to say that she couldn't get out.)

(Perhaps they'd needed him, too, in hindsight; perhaps he'd been too blind and stupid and deluded to care.)

But before anything could come of anything, Big Sis had taken a leap of faith that hadn't led her anywhere, save for 30 feet down, right to summer-warm concrete. And all she'd left in her wake were loose ends, begging for some tying up, and broken hearts and melancholy madness. Life became a mess of condolences and pity and perhaps things had been going south for a long time, but no one had had the faith in Kano to let him in on it.

Big Sis had not let him in on all her suffering, had only ever alluded, perhaps, but in his dumb, dumb belief that it wasn't his place to ask for her to share her burdens with him if only she let him carry part of them, he had never asked. He hadn't had her faith; hadn't had a damn thing, after all; had been played for a fool, because he'd been starved for love, and had only then reaped what he'd been sowing all this time.

And for once, he'd really, truly, resented himself for his way of being.

He'd never outlive that guilt, he found. He didn't really have to. It was a sweet ache that left his soul sore whenever he recalled it; a reminder to never again repeat the same mistakes.

The scars of it all mingled with the attachments that remained and followed. Even if he could resent freely all those who he knew had wronged Big Sis and everyone else, he could also vow to protect at least his remaining siblings. And even if these things could not intersect, he'd at least try not to cause poor Kido and Seto and Big Sis' memory too much grief.

And perhaps it indeed was a bit lonely, after he had grown so wretched and pathetic over the years, but in remaining faithful and loyal to at least his family, he could still keep going for another day or so.

a/n: so i was lacking literally a single chapter to this and it keeps on looking at me, begging me to finish it, so i figured, what gives, and, three years later, i give you a final chapter to this just so i can check the little 'complete'-mark. also, this isn't exactly good. like, i got a bit lost towards the end, mostly because it's all so far away now, a few years later. i loved kagepro and its fandom and still think it's a shame that the anime deadass murdered it.