Erwin has always wanted to write a drama and Levi has always wanted to be a drama quee- I mean, a drama star. Don't deny it, Levi. We all know it's the truth, you can't fool us, your forever faithful and perverted fangirls.
But back to the story.
One day it just had to happen.
Erwin called for a crucial meeting. He had an idea about a heart-breaking story of an unnamed angry German boy, to whom life had prepared many obstacles like dead mother, titans and mentally challenged overly attached stepsister aka girlfriend. It was a story full of tears, pain, gore, sex, blood, bondage, ridiculously handsome commanders, tiny corporals, gay cadets, potatoe freaks, short blonde girls, sweaty princes, freckles and forever alone horses.
It was beautiful.
But the biggest problem was how is he going to divide the roles? Who would be the best for playing an angry German boy? It was a crucial role after all. He had to find somebody who is… well, angry and German all the time.
This is where our real story begins:
Erwin: I welcome you all to our little drama session.
Levi: *stares sexily*
Sasha: Where are all the sandwiches? I was promised sandwiches!
Erwin: This is a serious matter, cadet Sasha, who told about the food?
Connie: *proudly points at himself*It was my genius plan!
Levi: *still stares sexily*
Erwin: *sighs* Sasha, I am sorry, but I actually need you here, I might give you one of the main roles.
Sasha: But I am going to starve to death! How can I play when I am dead?
Erwin: Sasha, I can assure you that nobody had ever died from being one hour without food.
Jean: Just give me and Mikasa the two main roles so we can all go for a dinner, commander.
Levi: *still stares sexily… at Eren*
Eren: *senpai is watching me! Be cool, Eren! Be cool!*
Eren: *trips over the table, chair, wardrobe, every single piece of furniture in the room before nearly falling out of the window*
Mikasa: *saves Eren*
Jean: *is jealous*
Erwin: Ah, actually, I would like to test Levi, cadet Fubar and cadet Renz as possible angry German boys.
Ymir: Christa will not play as some filthy boy! *holds her closer, preventing her from volunteering for the role herself*
Erwin: …
Erwin: *looks closely at Christa*
Erwin: *looks at Armin on his left*
Erwin: *leans to Armin* *whispers* What was your name, boy.
Armin: *whispers back* A-Armin Arlert, sir!
Erwin: *still whispers* Armin Arlert, are you sure your name is not Christa Renz?
Armin: *whispers back again* Q-quite sure, sir.
Erwin: *coughs and straightens up* Point taken, cadet Ymir. *crosses Christas name*
Erwin: So please, cadet Fubar, give me your best impression of angry German boy.
Bertholdt: *weeps*
Bertholdt: I… ugh…
Bertholdt: *stands up while blushing and sweating hard*
Bertholdt: *nervously rises his fist*
Bertholdt: um… Let's kill…. All the titans..?
Erwin: …
Everyone: …
King: …
Titans: …
Wall Maria: I gave my virginity to this.
Reiner: *jumps onto his feet while aggressively clapping* BRAVO! BERTLBEAR YOU ARE SO DAMN TALENTED OMG OMG OMG *fangirlboy squee* THIS IS WHY I LOVE YOU, NO HOMO THO, BRO, BUT I WANT TO RIP YOUR CLOTHES OFF RIGHT NOW AND- *THIS CONTENT HAS BEEN CENSORED DUE TO HIGH LEVEL OF RADIOACTIVITY, RAINBOWS, UNICORNS AND IMPLIED HOT GAY SEX ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER AT REINER BRAUNS HOME AT 2:00 AM GMT. THE EVENT IS OPEN FOR PUBLIC, OUR STAFF WILL BE SELLING BATTERIES FOR YOUR VIDEO CAMERAS AND COLD BEVERAGE.
…
ALSO WE ARE SORRY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCES AND STUFF*
Levi: *still stares sexily*
Erwin: *writes into his script*
Erwin: *mumbling* gay cadet no 01-69: Reiner Braun.
Erwin: *mumbling* notes: gay as two male unicorns riding each other into the sunset while vomiting rainbows.
Erwin: *mumbling* I can't wait for the bondage scene…
Erwin: *coughs* Ok! One role down.
Erwin: Cadet Braun, you may sit down, thank you.
Bertholdt: B-but.. i-it was me who…
Erwin: Sit. Down.
Bertholdt: *sits down*
Reiner: *casually sits on Bertholdts lap*
Erwin: Levi, it's your turn.
Levi: *stands up while looking sexily at Eren*
Levi: *breathes in*
Everybody: *hold their breaths in unbearable anticipation*
Levi: *opens his mouth*
Eren: TIIIIIIIIITAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANS! *jumps out of the window furiously raging and slashing the air with a pencil in his hand*
Mikasa: Eren! *jumps after Eren*
Jean: Mika- *is interrupted by Armins screaming*
Armin: Mikasa! *runs past Jean after Mikasa*
Jean: ...
Annie: Armin! *runs past Jean after Armin*
Bertholdt: Annie! *runs past Jean after Annie*
Reiner: Bertholdt! *runs past Jean after Bertholdt*
Connie: Reiner! *runs past Jean after Reiner*
Sasha: Connie! *runs past Jean after Connie*
Christa: Sasha! *runs past Jean after Sasha*
Ymir: Ma Bae! *runs past Jean after her Bae*
Marco + Jean + Erwin + Levi: *left in the room alone*
Jean: *turns to Marco*
Jean: *his eyes brighten up* Oh, Marco, you actually staye-
Marco: Guys! *runs past Jean after everyone else*
Jean: … fuck you.
Erwin: Where is everyone going? I need to finish this! I got only one role!
Levi: The titans are invading the city, Erwin.
Erwin: Your argument is irrelevant, Levi. I am the commander and I demand my actors.
Erwin: Stupid titans. Who do they think they are?
Jean: *complaining about his life* Everyone. Just go fuck yourself. I don't need nobody in my life.
Jean: I don't need no love. I am totally happy being left alone.
Erwin: *continues with complaining about his own life* All of those titans. They are so not invited to my birthday party. And all those cadets too. Running off like this.
Levi: They are currently out there getting eaten by titans to save the whole mankind.
Jean: I DON'T NEED THEM AT ALL. I AM STRONG INDEPENDENT and needless to say incredibly handsome JEAN KIRSCHTEIN WHO DON'T NEED NO MARCO BODT OR MIKASA ACKERMAN.
Erwin: *looks at Jean*
Erwin: *writes something into his papers*
Erwin: Two roles. *smiles a satisfying smile*
Levi: Which role did you fill in?
Erwin: cadet Kirschtein as forever alone horse.
Jean: …
Jean: …
Jean: … commander, may I have the permission to speak freely.
Erwin: Permission granted, my new star.
Jean: Fuck you, sir.