How about a 26 page update? Let's hop to it.

Disclaimer: I don't own South Park as it belongs to Trey Parker and Matt Stone. I do own the OC "Johnny Earnhardt" in the story.

Bold- PA system/Message Bulletins/

Bold Italic- Radio/TV/Facebook/Twitter/Text Messages

Italics-Thoughts/Letters/Flashbacks

Breakfast at IHOP had been a good way to start the day, because I'll tell you what, I'm more psychic than Nostra-fuckin-damus. Everything that has happened to me these past few days has only laid the seeds of something more fucked up or ass backwards to come. Today would be no different, and for some reason that I couldn't explain, I could already feel it would involve babies. Cartman and Butters had given me the rundown on the meeting coming up at Kyle's place and it would undoubtedly involve us increasing our forces to storm Clyde's fortress.

There were a couple of groups that I had seen with Butters while we were being the errand boys, like the Federation led by Kevin, maybe the Goth Kids again, but then there were the Pirates led by Kyle's little brother Ike… that little turd really cut my face the fuck up yesterday, too.

Feeling somewhat better from the high on my painkillers to ease the concussion and a full stomach of a pancake breakfast, me, Cartman and Butters headed to Kyle's house. The walk there was long, and we probably could have called Timmy to give us a lift in his wagon, but with all the road closures from the UFO crash and the town starting to resemble a mini-Raccoon City, it would take too long. It was a bit of a pain sneaking around zombies that were wandering around aimlessly or feasting on people that got too close. Really, just an outstanding job from the police force. Give it up for them.

On the walk though, my mind wandered off to last night prior to the bump ugly fest my parents got into. They were talking about me and something Dad had done to get us here in the first place. Now that I think about it, I was only vaguely aware of some of the things my Dad did. He never talked much about work and was always home from what I could remember, but something didn't add up. What would require him to move us to a new state? My first and most logical guess would be witness protection, but that didn't seem accurate either. This was something that went deeper than I could understand. All I know is that it involves the government in some way.

What did he do? What did I do? These guys were looking for me and Dad was the only one who stood in the way of them finding me. And to think, all of this started coming back to me the day I infiltrated that government annex near the UFO crash site. This had happened before, but was I the cause of that incident too? Furthermore, what was that incident?

"Ah, Commander Douchebag has decided to grace us with his presence," Kyle's voice met me.

I broke from my deep thoughts and was almost taken aback that me, Cartman and Butters had entered Kyle's backyard.

Man, I really should start writing this stuff down. They say it helps jog the memory, but maybe it was a bad idea. Was it really a memory that I wanted to unearth? Either way, food for thought later. Right now, it was time to get down to business.

I ignored Kyle's comment and sat between Cartman and Stan. My eyes did a quick sweep of our now nameless group after Clyde dismantled them being the owner of the Stick. A lot of the other guys met my eyes and gave small nods of acknowledgement or a shrug of indifference. Guess that was one positive. I'm making a notable impact and getting some respect at least.

My hand pulled out the Rip It energy drink stored on my belt pouch and it hissed as I cracked it open to take a sip.

"Dude, you got another one of those?" Cartman asked.

Not wasting a second, I pulled out the other on my belt and handed it to him. He opened it and started guzzling it down.

"This a new one? I've never seen these before," Cartman looked back at me.

"Found it in the cafeteria yesterday. I think they only sell them in Kwik Trips around here," I whispered back.

"Nice. I'll have to ask my mom to pick some up."

Kyle cleared his throat again, sending a light glare to me and Cartman. We had completely disregarded his speech for a sidebar conversation, but neither of us were too fussed about it. We won the fight yesterday and if it came down to it, I could probably kick Kyle's ass again.

"As I was saying, Humans and Elves of Zaron. A great evil has descended upon us. After researching last night, I believe we are facing a threat to the entire world," said Kyle.

Wait, are we still role-playing or are we being for real? Mixing the role play with nongame content screwed everything up. Whatever, let's see what else he has to say before I make the final judgment call on that.

The punch flavored Rip It danced on my tongue and nestled in my stomach seconds later. It was the start of a deadly chemical reaction that would give me some toxic farts for any upcoming fight today and by God I was planning to let them rip.

Kyle switched on the projector and the screen in front of us came to life to reveal a picture of Clyde's fortress. Okay, so the Elf King did something very useful last night. He had gone the extra mile to give us something equivalent to a military update brief. Nice. At least someone outside of me can see the big picture and do something useful. Another button press on the remote showed a picture of the toxic goo that the aliens had on their ship and that now covered a good chunk of the town.

"Clyde's Fortress of Darkness is over four stories tall. So far, he has recruited at least fifty warriors, maybe pushing sixty to be on his team and he-."

His brief was cut into due to some heavy snickering from Cartman who had nudged me and Butters, all the while pointing up at Kyle. The boy gave Cartman another heated glare and crossed his arms.

"You have something to say, Wizard?" Kyle asked him.

Cartman let out another laugh and shook his head, all the while wiping a small tear from his eye.

"Nothing. I just think it's kind of funny how Drow Elves in the Middle Ages can use PowerPoint," he answered with a chuckle.

"Like Carrier Raven is much better?" I rose a brow back at him.

"Fuck you, Douchebag. At least I'm not breaking the immersion like Jew Boy over here!" Cartman shot back, all the while jerking his thumb at Kyle.

Kyle looked ready to retort, but his anger lessened with a long and deep breath. His face was still stern when he came around as he started to pace the stage in front of us.

"You guys, this is serious. Clyde is attempting to raise an army of darkness, and I believe he is messing with something totally beyond his control. He has recruited many of our friends and so… Our only hope is for our factions to join forces," he said.

Oh boy, the tension just got very heavy in here. Another look around the crowd only backed up my belief. It didn't matter who it was, Drow Elf or Human, they exchanged looks of bewilderment with one another and shot heated glares at their now neutral opponents. Just like Congress.

The very thought that had to be going through the minds of everyone in the crowd was voiced by Cartman who had a defiant look etched on his face.

"Fuck. That. We do not team up with fucking elves!"

Let's see, there was the first shot. Who's going to fire back? Stan soon piped up from my right.

"You got a better idea, Wizard Fat Ass?" He glared at him.

Oh, name calling. This was starting to get good. Another shot! Come on!

"After what you elves did to us at the Battle of Wormsly Woods!? You think we'll ever trust you?" Butters shot back.

Battle of Wormsly Woods? Huh, must've missed that one, but Butters steps up with a home run of his own. Judging by his retort, it must have been a sore subject. Stan had the gall to look a little sheepish and Cartman only clapped Butters' shoulder in agreeance.

"Yeah, you tell 'em, Butters!" Cartman nodded.

"T-that was Jimmy's fault and he apologized!" Stand stuttered while shifting in his seat with a cross of his arms.

Yeah, this was easily an average day in DC for Congress, it had to be. The only difference is that instead of Democrats and Republicans, it was a bunch of pissed off nine year old boys. Wait a second… Is there even a difference then? It's a conspiracy!

"Oh, we're apologizing now? Then how about we apologize for breaking the rule about using arcane fire magic?" Cartman rolled his eyes.

"Yeah!" Token hollered from down the row.

Another elf, the one who attacked Butters the day I met him, I think his name was Chris.

"Hey, that was the Human's rule to begin with, you dipshit! Not ours!"

Butters again in response to Chris.

"Join forces, my paladin ass! The only good elf is a dead elf!"

Oh, shit! Butters hits another home run, somebody stop him!

He has really come out of his shell since I met him a couple of days ago. Our first meeting easily tipped me off that he was timid and was probably pushed around a lot. It was also possible he from all the abuse he took from his parents and his classmates that he bottled up kept him from speaking his mind. As of now, that was not the case. He was not being shy and was speaking his mind, something that would of course piss people off, but ultimately earn him respect in the long run.

"Why don't you s-s-suck my elven d-dick, Butters?" Jimmy retorted.

Butters leaned forward in his seat to make eye contact with Jimmy further down the row.

"Do you even have a dick, Jimmy?" He asked back.

"Oh, snap!" Cartman clapped.

The back and forth match of verbal judo came to an end when Kyle took a deep breath and yelled over everyone else to introduce a much needed calm.

"Enough! Whether we are Human or Elf isn't going to matter one bit if all of Zaron is taken over by German zombies! We all saw what that green stuff does. We better figure out a way to stop Clyde or there won't be a world to fight in."

A lot of grumbles and beleaguered words of agreement swept through the crowd. None of us were happy with the hand we were dealt, but Kyle was right. Our only option was to band together if we even wanted to stand a chance at reclaiming the stick from Clyde. Although it was a temporary alliance, we as men can put aside our petty disagreements long enough to settle our main problem before we go back to the way we were. Something girls couldn't do for shit.

"Even if we join forces, we don't have enough warriors," said Stan.

Kyle nodded at that and his eyes looked at the newly formed alliance.

"That's true, so our only option is to go out and recruit more factions to join us. The Federation. The Pirates. And even the girls," he answered in return.

You know, I'm all for bringing girls in to help balance out the sausage fest, but that seemed like a longshot. Recruiting the girls to play our game would not only take up valuable time, but then we would have to integrate them into the rules. The biggest reason I was hesitant in particular was because I could already see where this was going. I would be the one sent to be the liaison to the girls to recruit them while the others went for the Pirates and the Federation.

My eyes trailed up to the sky and I just waited for it to come. It was there that I also gave a silent prayer to God to be kind and spare me that punishment. If he heard me, he probably would do nothing because I had this feeling that he got a lot of enjoyment in watching me suffer through endless comedic bullshit. Just kicking back in his recliner with a beer in hand and grinning like a mad scientist.

"The girls?" Butters parroted back.

I'm with you on that one Butters, but not for the same reason.

"Kyle, use your head! The girls are not gonna' fuckin' play with us!" Cartman shook his head.

"Yeah dude, we can't convince girls to do this." Stan frowned.

It may have been my imagination, but I'm almost positive I saw Satan flash across Kyle's face as his eyes shifted over to me. There was a ghost of a grin on his lips and I was quick to take a breath and restrain myself from getting up and leaving right there. As much as I didn't want to get sucked into another wacky adventure, I wasn't leaving my crew.

Kyle knew that, and he was going to exploit it to the fullest degree. What an asshole.

"No, we can't," Kyle said with a small nod. "But the new kid can."

You fuck!

"The new kid has a power that we have yet to understand. He makes friends on Facebook faster than anyone we've ever seen," Kyle continued.

Well, to be fair, I have my own viewpoint on that. I don't go friend requesting people unless I actually like them and want them in my life. A good chunk of the time I think that most of the people that friend request me see friends on Facebook like a commodity and a sign of popularity. A lot of them don't really know me and would probably not notice if I just dropped off grid one day and be a freakin' ghost. I could care less about that since I'm more of a loner anyway.

Hell, until a couple of days ago I hadn't touched Facebook in months.

"You are really good at getting Facebook friends, I'll give you that," Cartman said to me.

Again, people outreach to me for some reason. I don't know why. I pictured myself as too much of an asshole to make a lot of friends, anyway.

"Find a way to get the girls to side with us, Commander Douchebag. I'll deal with the other factions. The rest of you return to your stations and prepare for war," said Kyle.

A joint cheer of agreement came from our new faction.

"Huzzah!"

With the speech now out of the way, everyone got up and started making their way back to their posts, chairs in hand to start carrying out their tasks. This left me alone in my chair and I leaned back in it to finish the rest of my Rip It.

Once it was finished, I crushed the can in my hand, got to my feet and pulled my hat on.

Let's do this.

In retrospect, I guess it did make sense for me to be the liaison to the girls. Sure, I was far from thrilled with having to put up with some incoming drama that I should not have to be faced with unless getting some good form of payment, but this created an opportunity. A silver lining, if you will. The wheels in my head turned and Annie was the first to pop up in my head.

The cute blonde from the other day who I ended up helping said she owed me a favor. Knowing my luck, I could probably get her to help me out with this whole mess that would probably escalate and lead to another favor. That favor was to get that Lola girl that Butters liked on a date with him. With that incentive in mind, it kind of brightened me up.

My fingers finished punching the message I had ready for Annie. There was always a stigma about how you contacted a girl in today's time with dating and all that shit. Was the message long enough? Was I boring? Did I not sound confident or ballsy with trying to talk to her? A huge headache, but a fairly common thing that adolescents dealt with.

I'll be honest, I never had a girlfriend in my life. It wasn't a huge focus of mine and it was something I put off as a challenge to meet when I got to that bridge in my life. I could talk to girls no problem, but I guess I made some lasting impressions since I could vaguely remember my parents teasing me and saying that some girls were cute. The default, sugarcoated answer to say that the girl probably had a crush on me.

Time to see if I could really be as suave as James Bond.

"Hey, let's meet at the City Hall. I need to ask you something."

Short, not long winded with a goal in mind. Meet in person and talk it out. That should work, right?

"Ready to go, Johnny?" Butters popped up beside me.

I jumped a little at the surprise appearance, but shook it off and nodded back with a grin. No way was I going anywhere without my right-hand man.

We restocked on energy drinks that were in Kyle's fridge and began walking to City Hall. Annie was quick to get back to me and messaged me just as we started heading down the street.

"Sure! Meet you there in ten?" Annie responded back.

"Works perfectly. See you in a bit." I replied.

From the corner of my eye I could see Butters trying to catch a glimpse of my conversation with Annie.

"What're you doing?" Butters asked.

"Talking with Annie. I want to see if she can help me convince the girls to join us." I tucked my phone away.

"Do you think she'll do it?"

"No idea, but she said she owed me a favor after helping her get her doll back."

"Yeah, that might work."

He seemed pretty upbeat about the whole chance of it working out. That was something I respected and admired about Butters. He always tried to stay happy and positive despite all the flak he got. I couldn't do that. I've always been fairly jaded and cynical because I know that the world is cold and tough. It painted reality for you, but it left you susceptible to skepticism and doubt about the people around you and humanity as a whole.

Pretty damn bleak from the way I saw it. It had people who made the world brighter with their optimism and in times of great adversity you could see the best of humanity. Butters embodied it, and I guess if I were to be honest, I just witnessed it back in Kyle's backyard. There was good in people, but it was not always present to the naked eye.

This world needed people like Butters to brighten it up to balance out the negative guys like me. It was a necessary contrast and one that I wanted in my life.

We crossed the street and I could see Annie sitting on bricks of the front garden. Butters nodded at me and waited back to allow me and Annie privacy so we could hash out the potential deal.

"Hey!" Annie got off the wall with a smile.

"Sup? How's your day going?" I stopped in front of her.

"Great! I was just about to go meet with the girls, but you said you wanted to talk, so here I am."

So far she was very open and did not look as though she was trying to close herself off. Something girls did if they felt vulnerable and wanted nothing to do with the guy talking with them. At least that's what it seemed like whenever they didn't have one of their friends present to instigate the infamous cockblock move.

A quick glance back at Butters and I was able to see him just hiding off the side of the bushes. He could only hear bits and pieces at the most, but hopefully he was taking notes. He would need to learn this if he wanted to stand a chance with Lola.

"So what did you want to talk about?" Annie asked.

Right, the reason I was there to begin with!

I fumbled in my pocket to pull out the letter Kyle had given me for the girls to read. When I held it out to Annie she offered me a quizzical look and giggled. She had to have thought this was silly as hell, but I was never the best at orally getting my point across. Writing was where I shined.

I watched as her eyes went back and forth over the letter. The smile on her face was replaced with a look of uncertainty. That didn't look promising.

"The boys want us to play with them?" She asked me.

"To make a long story short, yeah. Our game has gotten fucked up eight ways to Sunday and we need all the help we can get," I answered back with a light nod.

Annie looked down at the letter again before back to me. She bit her lip and her eyes did a quick glance down the road, as if distracted about something.

"Well, I do owe you one…" She trailed off, but smiled again. "Okay, I can take you to the girls."

"Sweet!" I grinned back.

"But to be honest, I don't think they'll be very willing to play with the boys."

I ignored the response and tried to do what Butters would do. Think positive! Hell, I'll even throw some playful banter in there for a flirt for Christ's sake!

"You sure? I figured y'all would be jumping on the chance to show us up?" I smirked at her.

Annie blinked and folded her arms giving me a catty smile in return.

"Please, if it were up to me I'd join to show you boys just how tough we are," she said.

It wasn't forced, but I felt my cheeks perk up in a grin at the retort. You know how you had to fake emotion or anything else just to go with the flow to avoid confrontation or awkwardness? This wasn't like those other times.

I gave Annie shit and she dished it right back. That was awesome.

"Battle of the sexes will have to wait, though. Do you want to speak with the girls now?" Annie spoke again.

I nodded back. I was in.

"Yeah, let's go."

Annie reached into her pocket and pulled out a bandanna.

This was something I did not expect. I guess girls take their gossip spots seriously if she didn't want me to know the location. All I could do was guess where we would be at given the direction we go in and how far we go. I knew the town well by now, so I could get an educated guess.

Being the smartass that I was, I couldn't help but get a playful jab in edge wise.

"My safety word is pineapple juice."

Annie's lips curled up and a light giggle escaped her. It may have been a racy risk to say that, but she seemed to take it well. As she tied the bandanna around my eyes, I could feel her close to my ear and she lowered her voice to make sure I paid attention.

"Mine is apple bottom," she whispered.

Okay, this girl is on her way to being number one with me. She tolerated my sense of humor and dished it right back. That's a fuckin' win in my book.

"Let's go, you perv."

There was no malice or anger in her words. Just a flirty, playful tone.

I felt her hands on my shoulders and moved as she pushed me down the sidewalk. This was east, I think. Yeah, that's right, towards the U-haul and the park if my mind was right. Were we going towards her house? A quick turn and then another and then we stopped. How far was that? A block? Didn't seem too far.

Annie's hands then spun me around and around and this time I tried to focus on where my footing had to be. We had been facing north before she did that. Now where was I facing? There was no time to recollect my bearings because she started guiding me down the sidewalk again. This time there was a shift in elevation, a curb in the road. We were crossing a street for sure, but I had no idea where.

All the while, I could feel my phone vibrating in my pocket, possibly a text or two coming from Butters who had been watching us from afar. Maybe he was following us?

Annie stopped me and I felt shade block out the sun. We were just outside a building now. Sure enough, a door opened in front of me a second later with a low creek and Annie led me inside. The door closed behind us and I felt her hands untying the bandanna.

I blinked as the light met my eyes and when I was able to see again, I had to do a long take at the room I was standing in.

TV and stereotypes do a hell of a job exaggerating shit when it comes to race, religion or gender, but I think it was safe to say they hit a home run with this one. The room was well lit and had windows going up and down both sides of it. There was an aisle of pink carpet that led down the length of the room and stopped before a dais for three people. Running along both sides of the aisle were seven pink desks that were joined together. Lists, flowers, pictures of celebrities and the scent of perfume met me.

Fourteen girls, not counting Annie were in front of me and they were all looking at the pair of us. I was still at a loss for words as I stared around the room. From a boy's perspective on the outside looking in, I wasn't sure if this was a club slash society for girls, or a cult. Could be both.

Annie tucked the bandanna away and stood to my side as she waited to be addressed.

On the dais far in front of us were three girls. One sat higher than the other two, possibly the leader. She had a pink knit hat over her long black hair and was wearing a purple coat. The next girl that caught my eye was Lola who sat in front of the first, and to the left was a girl with short black hair and a headband.

The girl with the pink hat was the first to speak.

The four hundred and twelfth meeting of the girls is hereby called to order. Sparkle, sparkle."

"Sunshine!" The rest of the chorused.

Okay, they had their own language and chants. This was looking more like a cult, despite the girly atmosphere. I had to hurry this up fast. Even though I'm a dude, I felt like the longer I stayed there, the bigger chance I got of getting a yeast infection.

Lola stood up next to speak.

"Sunshine sparkle, Millie Larsen has the floor."

On the left side, a girl with pigtails spoke up following Lola.

"If it pleases and sparkles, I move that we vote immediately on the urgent matter involving Monica Ryland," she said.

Another wave of agreement came from the girls.

"Yes!"

"For sure!"

"All right!"

"Okay!"

While they continued their little chatter, I snuck a glance back at Annie and rose a brow at her.

"So is this tradition for you guys or something?" I asked.

"More or less. You guys talk about retarded stuff, we talk about important issues," Annie said with a light shrug.

"Issues like this Monica Ryland chick?"

"Exactly!"

Okay, now, obviously this shit is subjective between genders, so I'm not going to comment on what we find interesting. However, the theme that I noticed when it comes to girls is that when it comes to talking about another girl, it's never good. It usually involves said girl being accused of being slutty or a backstabbing bitch. Only time would tell what kind of crap would be talked about her.

"Excuse me, but I believe I have an urgent matter that needs to be addressed first," Annie spoke up.

The head girl held out a hand for Annie.

"The chair acknowledges Annie," she said.

Annie stepped forward to take the floor.

"Sunshine sparkle, Annie Knitts has the floor," said Lola.

Annie nodded at Lola and cleared her throat.

"If it pleases and sparkles, a messenger comes with a request from the boys," said Annie as she gestured back to me.

Right after Annie finished with her opening statement, a majority of the girls blanched and made gagging sounds to voice their disgust. Sheesh, talk about a shit test. Good thing I was more than capable of handling one.

The head girl held up a hand to silence the rest of the girls before looking at me.

"What request do the boys ask of us?" She asked.

Right, how should I phrase this? My feet took a step forward to stand beside Annie again and my mind was racing for a quick answer to get my point across.

"If it pleases and sparkles…." I began.

A small cringe ran through my body. That felt wrong just to say.

"Yeah, screw this. What's your name?" I asked the head girl.

My crass response did not draw pleased looks from the girls. In fact, a lot of them seemed to shift their glances between me and Annie and I may have inadvertently put her in their crosshairs with my behavior.

"Wendy Testaburger," the pink hatted girl answered.

"Wendy, to make a long story short, the game the boys were playing went from fun to fucked up and we need the girls' help to sort it out," I said.

Okay, it was out there. Now all we had to do was see how to best go about an agreement to have them join our cause.

"That's it? I'm afraid I'll need more information than that or else I'll have to dismiss this and continue with Sunshine Sparkle Millie's voting proposition," said Wendy.

Damn it.

Annie was quick to come up with a reply to try and salvage my efforts.

"Sorry about that, he doesn't really talk that much," she said.

A long pause filled the room and I sent another sideways glance at Annie. Was that really how she planned to back me up? Might as well just throw me out the door right now.

The silence was broken by a girl with long blonde hair and a red sweater.

"That's hot," she said.

There was always one girl that found the quiet or broody boys hot, and I just found the one girl in South Park. So far, at least.

"The boys are playing some new role playing game and Johnny here wants us to join his team," Annie continued.

Okay, at least that was better than what she opened up with.

Millie only shook her head vehemently at Annie's words. This was going swimmingly. At this rate, I would waste a whole day and that really rubbed me the wrong way. I could be using this time to be doing something more productive. Like fixing the chain on my bike. Hitting the batting cages. Reading a book. But nope, I am here listening to girls argue about sunshine and sparkles and some random chick named Monica Ryland.

Two hours of my life, just gone.

"We don't have time for any of that! Something very big happened and we must do something!" Millie looked back at Wendy.

Yeah, something did happen. There's a UFO crashed in the middle of the town, face down and ass up. Been causing a lot of problems lately. Like the zombies and toxic goo.

"I know. I thought maybe he could help," Annie said to Millie.

That's right… wait, what the hell?

I narrowed my eyes at Annie and could already tell where this was going. Not even on our first date yet and you are already using me? Breaking my heart, girl. Maybe I should come up with my own movement. One where men can do what they want and not have to worry about the women in their life making them adjust to unrealistic standards. A world where men can live freely for themselves, be productive and enjoy their lives to the fullest with only having to provide for themselves! A world where our hearts will never be broken by gold digging harlots that give the good chicks a bad name!

Somewhere in the distance of my imagination I could see a sea of men standing up and applauding with tears streaming down their faces. Such an idea of a movement, or cult from the woman's point of view, would be a magnificent idea! There's a name for it! Go Your Own Way? No, that's not it. Dudes Go Their Own Way? Close, but it still lacks that catchy tone. Bros Go Their Own Way? Damn, it's so close!

"Oh, that's not a bad idea. I glitter Annie's idea!" Said the girl in the red sweater.

Lola stood up after that comment.

"Sunshine sparkle. A motion has been glittered to have the new kid help with Monica Ryland," she said before turning to nod at Wendy.

Wendy leaned forward and her eyes bore into me. Naturally I stood tall and met her gaze with strong posture to not show any signs of weakness that could give her or any of the other girls reason to second guess their decision. If we were playing this game, I was going all out yet again. I handle my business like a man!

"All right, Johnny. There are terrible rumors going around town that our good friend Allie Nelson was spotted at the abortion clinic," Wendy began.

I blinked and almost shook my head in disbelief at that. What the hell was a fourth grade girl doing at an abortion clinic? Unless she went to accompany her mom or is riding that young, we should be going to the police and ask them to investigate her home life. I mean, that's what I would do.

"I have never been to the abortion clinic! I'm not a whore!" A girl to the right said.

Oh, crap, she was right here too. Good thing I didn't say any of that out loud. But if you think about that, now this sheds light on my earlier thought of why girls can't be friends. Sure, they may act like it, but all it takes is for that girl to say or do something the other girls don't like, and then it just gets nasty. Girls were masters at verbal judo when it came to insults and they went for the fucking jugular each time they had a shot. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if the girl that claimed that was in the room right now.

Beautiful creatures, but they could be black widows in wait. Exercise caution, boys.

"We aren't sure, but we think the girl spreading rumors about Allie is Monica Ryland," said Wendy.

Okay, so this is what the whole Monica Ryland debacle is coming from. Name calling and shit talking? I can feel the headache coming on now.

Bros don't have this problem. Yes, we bitch about each other and talk shit about each other, but all it takes is a fisticuff encounter or a complimentary soda or beer and we were friends again. Everything fell back into place until something new popped up that pissed us off and the circle of life would repeat itself. Friendship was made for men.

"You think or you know? Which is it?" I asked with a cross of my arms.

A warning glance from Annie was enough to make me think of a cushion for a response.

"You think we're lying?" Lola narrowed her eyes at me.

"I'm just saying that you should take a step back and think about this. If you're wrong, you'll just look stupid. That's just me, anyway," I answered without hesitation.

"Regardless of what you think, you don't know her like we do," said Allie.

Okay, you got me there. I don't even know the girl. Doesn't exactly help that her name is Monica. Monica's don't have a great track record from what I recall. Clinton Administration anybody? Eh? Eh? I'll be here all week!

"But the bitch has the gall to act all nice to me!" Allie spat.

This only supports my point, folks.

"We have to know for sure if Monica Ryland is a two-faced bitch or not," Wendy said as she turned her eyes back to me. "So we are going to send Monica a Facebook page with your picture then tell her you're Bebe's boyfriend from Lakewood."

This is just dirty tactics now. Clever, but plain dirty. Note to self, if I ever date any of these girls, password protect all of my shit and burn any hardcopy evidence that can be used against me even if I'm innocent. Protocol One-Delta, boys. You're welcome.

"Who's Bebe?" I raised my hand.

"That's me!" The girl with the red sweater waved back.

"Cool. Just want to make sure I know my part well."

"As I was saying, we will tell Monica that you want to meet up with her to ask her what to get Bebe for her birthday," Wendy continued, breaking up the sidebar conversation between us.

I rubbed my chin with my fingers in thought.

"And this does what, exactly? It seems as though you're trying to frame her more than anything," I said.

"We want to see if Monica tries to hit on you. Because that will help us see whether or not she is a manipulative bitch," said Wendy.

Well, I guess that would highlight her as a whore if she did try to come onto me knowing I was one of her friend's boyfriends.

"Right!" Bebe added her own two cents.

"Do this task for us, and the girls will consider your request," said Wendy as she picked up the gavel.

I shook my head.

"I'm gonna' stop you right there." I stopped her.

"Excuse me?" Lola crossed her arms at my defiance.

"You heard me. I want you to see where I'm coming from here. I've only lived here for three days and I've been going on a goddamn goose chase from the get go for people I don't even know in an attempt to start a new life and make friends. If I do this, I don't want a consideration. Either you join my team, or I walk out the door right now and you deal with this shit yourselves," I said.

All the eyes were on me now and it felt as if I was under a spotlight. None of them looked pleased that I had the balls to stand up to them and push my own demands forward. No skin off my nose at the end of the day. I don't know these girls well and I can be as blunt and honest as I like without running the risk of losing them as friends.

If there was ever a good weapon to have, it was the knowledge that most people hated confrontation. I was going to milk this deal for all that it was worth and the added silence only gave me more reason to believe this conversation would shift in my favor.

"Very well. We will join your team if you do this for us," said Wendy, albeit begrudgingly. "Is there anything else?"

My eyes flicked to Lola for a minute and a grin wormed its way across my face.

"Yes, but that one is more personal and can be discussed after we finish this. Deal?" I answered back.

Wendy nodded and raised the gavel before hitting the stopper to end the meeting.

"Sparkle!" Wendy said

"Sunshine!" All the others chirped in return.

Well, now that the pieces are in play, it's time to get this show on the road.

Annie was already way ahead of me and she tied the bandanna around my eyes and guided me out of the room. As we were leaving she lowered her voice to whisper in my ear again.

"You know, you were pretty cool back there."

"Thanks. Probably burned a lot of bridges with them, though," I said with a light laugh.

"I don't think so. They might be mad right now, but they'll come around soon enough. Let's go."

Annie had guided us back to the city hall before she took off my blindfold. As soon as I did, I spotted Butters coming over to us from the bench.

"You'll find Monica waiting for you at the park. Remember, all you have to do is pretend to be Bebe's long distance boyfriend," said Annie.

A roll of my neck and shoulders loosened them up with a light crack and I nodded back at her.

"Too easy," I said.

"When the job is done, come see me."

I walked towards Butters and met him halfway across the square.

"What did the girls say?" He asked.

"I'll tell you on the way to the park. Let's go," I told him.

The walk to the park was uneventful, but I used that time to fill Butters in on what happened and the madness known as the girl's cult, sparkle and sunshine galore. I think I may have overloaded his mind as he could only stare back in mild horror. It was no secret that he was thanking God he wasn't in my position since he would not have gotten anything out of the deal and may as well have been a wounded lamb surrounded by wolves.

During the walk I had taken a look at my phone to see the messages that had been blowing me up while I was in the meeting with the girls. I had three. One was from Butters asking where Annie was taking me and that he would wait for me to come back. The other was from Kyle and the last from Cartman.

"I'm only adding you as a friend because we need to work together," was Kyle's message.

Cartman's was more irritating, but funny in a way.

"Douchebag, make sure you hose yourself off before you return to Kupa Keep. You hang out with girls, you might come back with warts on your dick."

Fuckin' asshole. At least Kenny was able to add to the humor by commenting on Cartman's inaccurate post.

"His dick has to go inside a chick first, dumbass."

Butters and I entered the park and looked around. On a bench across the basketball courts was a girl sitting down. She was alone and looking around for someone. That had to be Monica.

"Okay, I think that's her." I tucked my phone in my pocket.

"Oh, boy. Well, I'll hang back here for now. If something goes down, I'll back you up," said Butters.

"Sounds good, bro."

We bumped fists and I made my way towards Monica.

As I got closer I got a better look at this girl. Like most of them I saw a while ago, she looked pretty cute. Brown hair with pigtails, freckles and green eyes. When her gaze turned to me, she smiled broadly and patted the empty spot next to her on the bench.

"Hi. You must be Mike," said Monica.

Mike? Could y'all at least have given me something else for a name instead of the old school one lots of guys liked? Nothing attention getting, just something a little different and cooler, like Joe or Travis? Whatever, I'll take it for now.

I pulled myself on the bench and did a quick look around the park. On the west side I saw Wendy, Bebe and was that other girl Red? They were working their way towards me, trying to stay out of sight as much as possible to eavesdrop on whatever Monica had to say. But what really caught my attention was that there was a taller boy with them, and he did not look happy one bit.

"So… you wanna' talk about Bebe, huh?" Monica asked.

"Yeah." I nodded back.

"Well, look… Bebe's my friend. I think she's really great. I-I don't know if she's the end all be all of girls – I mean… she's a little two-faced if you ask me."

My fingers pinched the bridge of my nose and I nodded along begrudgingly, mind you. I was seriously starting to believe all the girls were the same to each other. Kind to each other's faces, but brutal when not around the other. So far, every girl was a two-faced bitch, and they're not doing themselves any favors by doing this crap. You'd think they'd have figured that out by now.

"But hey, I read your Facebook profile, and I think that you're a really interesting boy," Monica finished with a smile.

Okay, that came out of left field. One minute she's got bipolar feelings about Bebe, next she's shelling out a compliment completely irrelevant to this whole bullshit topic of Bebe's birthday gift.

"Aha!" Bebe yelled as she, Wendy and Red jumped out from the bushes behind us.

Monica jumped in surprise and looked taken aback by her friends', and I say that term loosely, sudden arrival.

"We knew it! You two-faced manipulative whore!" Bebe pointed a hard finger at Monica.

The poor girl, still shocked at the ambush and angry looks on the girls' faces could only utter out the logical response when caught up in a situation like this.

"What the heck?" She looked between the three of them.

"Thank God we sent the new kid to spy on you, huh girls?" Wendy crossed her arms.

Hey, hey, leave me out of this. This wasn't part of the deal, I have a reputation to keep!

"Yeah! Now we know you're a two-faced bitch!" Red piped up.

Such evil in such small girls. God must have a sick sense of humor.

"What'dya mean? You guys are my best friends!" Monica got off the bench.

I'm pretty sure best friends wouldn't say that shit to your face or go through such a convoluted plan to frame you, but that's just me.

"Then why are you hitting on my Facebook boyfriend? We brought someone else who might be interested," said Bebe as she stood aside.

The taller boy that I spotted with them when they entered the park came into view. He was glaring at Monica, but was sending sideways glances at me. This set off the warning alarms in my head and I immediately began to analyze the potential fight.

He easily had five inches on me and at least thirty pounds. Big dude, probably a football player. I was a baseball player so I don't have all that weight, but I got good leg strength.

"Monica, what the fuck are you doing?" He asked her with a thick accent.

Monica shifted shyly at the question and looked down.

"Uh oh. Hey, Jake," she said as her face started to turn red in embarrassment.

And like a synchronized movement, Wendy, Bebe and Red each had wicked smirks form on their faces as they relished in a messed up and triumphant victory.

"Have fun, you two-faced skank," Wendy said in a sweet tone.

She, Bebe and Red walked off which jarred Monica back to reality.

"Guys, wait! Please come back!" She hurried after them.

When the girls were out of sight, it just left me with Monica's boyfriend, Jake.

If there was ever a time for an awkward pause to take place in a movie, it was now. Actually, check that. This would be the time a tumble weed rolled by before we drew pistols in a duel.

Near the basketball court I could see Butters looking over his shoulder at me and then towards Jake. He was ready to intervene if it came down to it, so that was comforting. High above us, a crow cawed. At long last, Jake finally turned around fully to look at me. He still looked royally pissed off and I'm sure he was ready to throw down.

"What's the big idea, trying to fuck my girlfriend?" Jake got closer.

I was tempted to ignore it, but screw it. I needed to mess with this guy a little bit.

"No, but maybe she wouldn't be talking to other boys if you paid attention to her. Or is it more of a performance issue?"

You ever see those old cartoons when someone got punched in the face, then the screen cuts to epileptic inducing flashes of stars? Well, it's accurate to an extent. Jake's fist was fast and his knuckles made a direct hit on my nose. Blinding, hot pain shot through my face and I could feel blood racing down it.

Guess I had that one coming.

"Want some more?" Jake cracked his knuckles.

Well, you threw the first punch. On the outside looking in, you are the asshole, not me, even though I totally provoked you into doing that. Regardless, hell yeah, I want some more.

My foot lunged out and caught Jake's shin and he skid back with a hiss, hopping up and down from the sharp thrust.

Back on my feet, I brought my guard up and my ears picked up the quick footsteps of Butters as he hustled over from the basketball courts. His incoming charge caught Jake's attention and he had no time to react. The taller boy was fast with a right haymaker and his knuckles made contact with Butters' face.

"Oh, hamburgers!" Butters was sent to the ground.

Jake turned back to me with another punch. All right, fisticuffs is fine with me too, bro. Don't need a weapon to kick your ass.

The air whooshed violently above me after I ducked Jake's punch. He spun on his foot and turned around with another punch and I was ready for it. My hands caught his arm and jabbed his ribs with my left fist. It only surprised him, but it was enough for me to move again. A pull of my hand and I was in his guard where I brought my elbow in for a hard strike to his chest.

Combo finisher coming right up!

I gripped his arm with both hands, turned and pulled with everything I had. My momentum and weight forced Jake off his feet and over my shoulder where he hit the ground with a hard thud. I dashed forward again to meet him, but he was fast with his recovery.

With surprising speed and nimbleness he swung his foot at my head. Okay, my bad, the guy was a soccer player. I barely raised my arm in time to block it and I felt it tighten when his leg struck it.

"You little shit!" Jake sneered.

He reached for me, but got a taste of his own medicine as Butters entered my vision. His leg shot out and the tip of his shoe got him straight in the cheek sending him to the ground in a daze. Butters was about to stomp on him, but Jake was on an adrenaline high and caught the paladin's heel.

He got to his feet and kept Butters hopping on one foot, a cocky grin on his face. Jake started walking back, forcing Butters to do the same so he could keep from falling.

I got back up and charged at Jake and slammed into him with everything that I had. It felt as though I ran into brick wall. He was solid, but it did the job. Jake had let Butters go and staggered away to keep his balance. With Butters out of trouble, it gave me time to finish the fight.

I ran up to Jake and he recuperated to lunge at me with a punch. In that moment I threw up my hands to make him stop and by some Jesus miracle, it worked.

"Wait! Wait! Wait, dude!" I pleaded as desperately as I could.

"What?" Jake wiped his nose, still keeping a partial guard up.

Time to improvise!

I hated pop music, but the idea I had was to distract him long enough for a finish.

"Gangnam Style!" I mimicked the dance as best I could.

His fist dropped in disbelief and I took my shot. Literally a cheap shot. A dick move, if you will!

My foot shot up as fast as I could bring it forward and the tip of my shoe smashed straight into Jake's cash and prizes. It was like watching a rocket take off from Kennedy Space Center. The taller boy's eyes practically bugged out of his head and whatever scream of pain he may have had was nonexistent. Just a silent cry of pain that no boy ever wanted to experience.

His feet had left the ground as my leg forced him to jump a bit, but he crashed to the ground on his knees, clutching his aching, swelling balls. His cheeks were brick red with pain and rage as he glared up at me.

Maybe it was in my head, but I could've sworn I heard Shao Kahn's voice in the distance yelling, "Finish him!" Who was I to deny the words of Shao Kahn? Anyway, I'm ripping off another franchise with the finishing move. The one, the only, Falcon Punch!

I brought my arm back far and stepped forward, shifting all my weight into the punch. My knuckles smashed into Jake's cheek and I watched with satisfaction as he swayed in place and his eyes rolled to the back of his head. He hit the ground with a hard thud and slipped into blissful unconsciousness.

As I shook my hand off from the light throbbing, my mind wandered briefly again. This whole mess started because I got pulled into someone else's problem. Maybe it was some form of karma I was being punished with or some godly presence messing with me, but something told me deep down that as long as I lived here, this would be the standard.

"Nice one, Johnny," said Butters as he stopped beside me.

His voice brought me back and I offered him a sideways nod before clapping his shoulder.

"Thanks. And thank you for the backup. I don't think I could've got him without your help," I answered him.

"We can say it wouldn't have made a difference. Anyway, we should probably go back to Annie."

Good idea, we can get this show on the road. One step closer to getting the Stick back with the help of the girls. I guess it could have been worse at the end of the day.

We were about to start walking away, but something caught my eye in Jake's back pocket. Taking a closer look, I felt my eyes go wide. It was a baseball card. Not just any baseball card, but a card of the right fielder for the Milwaukee Brewers. A signed Christian Yelich card from his MVP season.

Now, I don't condone stealing, but after everything I've been through, I don't think anyone would blame me for this one. I earned a Goddamn consolation prize! Yoink!

I patted the card in my pocket and immediately felt a grin stretch across my face. Maybe this day wasn't so bad after all.

After meeting back up with Annie, Butters went to go get us some lunch and said he would meet me when I was done wrapping up business with the girls. Annie had taken me back to the girls' clubhouse and I was really only half paying attention. I was hungry and I wanted to finish up this business with the girls so I could get back to the guys. At least before I was thrown another curveball to mess up my day.

"New kid, we-." Wendy began.

"Johnny. My name is Johnny. You can at least call me that," I retorted.

Wendy took a moment to brush off my comment before speaking again.

"We want to thank you for helping us determine whether or not Monica was a two-faced bitch."

At this, my eyes shifted to the side of the room where Monica was sitting in the once vacated desk. She was grinning happily and she gave me a small wave before turning her eyes back to Wendy.

Why was she smiling?

"She really made us mad, but it turns out she couldn't have been the one spreading rumors about Allie Nelson going to the abortion clinic," Wendy continued.

Oh, for Christ's sake. If you mean to tell me that you suddenly made up after that crap you stirred up, this will be another nail in the belief I had from the get go. Girls are crazy and when upset, they lack any form of common sense which will in turn come back and haunt them. All you did was increase the spite from the one you accused and it will not be a fun day when she decides to dust off that memory and use it as wood for your burn pile.

"Yeah, so we made up!" Red chirped.

"You guys are the best!" Monica beamed.

What the actual fuck is happening!? Seriously, how the hell can girls be friends!?

Lemme guess, bitch number two was the one who did it all along, right? Calling it right now.

"You see, the thing is, Heidi Turner was supposed to put on the Facebook page that you were Bebe's boyfriend, but she didn't," said Wendy.

Um, okay? Not sure what that has to do with anything. By the way, future note, if you ever want to something done, it's best to do it yourself. Chances are the people you ask to help you will not do it and will only do so if there's incentive. Nice learning tip from "Johnny Earnhardt's Keys to Success," available on Amazon for five ninety-five. Which I am happy to say has sold one hundred copies worldwide.

"Because Heidi Turner is a two-faced bitch who says she likes me then tries to stab me in the back!" Monica piped in.

And that, gentlemen, proves the philosophy of why girls cannot be friends.

"Right! So we need to know if Heidi Turner's the two-faced bitch who's spreading rumors about Allie being spotted at the abortion clinic," said Wendy with a nod.

Oh, hell no. Come on! We had a deal!

"But in order to do that, we need people to think that you're a girl!"

I could only stare at Wendy in silent disbelief. They spend all this time coming up with these evil, convoluted schemes to sabotage each other, yet they can't logically approach this situation to get an easy answer? If they weren't so focused on destroying each other's reputation and worked together to solve problems, they could be truly terrifying. Right now, this was just laughable.

Even more so if they thought I was going to do this as an amendment to the deal.

"Not only no, but fuck no, Wendy!" I crossed my arms

"Excuse me?" Wendy furrowed her brow.

"We had a deal. I help you try to find the two-faced bitch of your group. It was a bust. I did my part, now you do yours."

Our little stare down would only be complete with a western whistle to echo around the room along with a gust of wind and some tumble weeds.

"And we still have to find out who it is!" Wendy glared at me.

"I am not dressing up as a chick to do this!" I shot back.

"If you want us on your side, you have no choice."

"Why don't you just approach this differently? Why do I have to dress up as a girl to figure this out for you?"

Wendy's glare vanished and was replaced with a comical stare.

"Isn't it obvious?" She asked.

"I probably got another concussion from Jake, so maybe you can shed some light on me," I answered.

Wendy smiled and leaned back in her chair as she folded her hands.

"The reason we need you to do this is because you will blend in with being new in town. With a town this small, people know your name and we've been here forever," she said.

That… fuck, that did make sense to an extent.

"Okay, but if I'm doing this, then I want to make an additional request to our agreement from earlier," I told her with a shake of my head.

A swarm of giggles met my ears and a terrifying chill went down my spine. God help me for what was about to come.

"Make over!" The girls cheered.

Yup, I'm now certain that this was a cycle of karma I was caught in. I must have shit in someone's cereal in a past life to have this happen to me.

I at least was given some say in the way I could dress as a girl. Dresses were a no go and unfortunately I couldn't pull off the jeans for the plan that was in play. I was shooting for a lesbian softball player because of my short hair, but Bebe had a bunch of wigs to stop that idea.

Black hair with a ponytail, a pink skirt, a baby blue shirt and a jean jacket. To top it off, Annie and Wendy had put on some eyeliner and blush. I'll tell you what, despite being emasculated, I sure as hell looked like the hottest chick in the room. If I were a narcissist, I would marry myself.

"You'll be as ready as you'll ever be, I guess," were Wendy's words as she looked me over again.

Wendy, Bebe and Kelly had led me to the abortion clinic in town. It was a small clinic. Definitely a place someone well-known could discretely make this life changing decision.

Oh man, I can't believe I'm about to do this.

"All right, Johnny. Get inside the clinic and find the records room. Take a picture of all the records for the past week and text them to us. That will help us find out who the two-faced bitch is. I'm sure you can understand why none of us can do this," said Wendy.

A sharp breath went in my nose and I shook my head again. This had better be worth it. This had better be friggin' worth it. I'm going above and beyond the call of duty for the boys and I deserve something close to the Medal of Honor at this point. Not the actual medal, but something similar to it from the civilian standpoint.

"Just don't forget our deal. I do this, you owe me big," I said to her with a controlled tone.

"Try to make your voice higher, Johnny. You still sound too much like a boy," Bebe spoke up.

I turned my eyes to her.

"Kind of hard to do when you have balls and you are close to puberty." I glared back at her.

"Whatever. If any of us were spotted in there, people might think we're sluts like Jessica Rodriguez."

Wait, who's Jessica Rodriguez?

Footsteps came up from behind us. Turning to look over my shoulder, I spotted another girl. This one was cute, right up there with Annie. I'm not sure why, but the girls that I find my eyes catching the most are either Hispanic or Asian.

"Hey guys," the girl greeted.

Bebe, Wendy and Kelly immediately perked up and smiled at the new girl that joined us.

"Hey Jessie!" Kelly waved.

"Hey girl!" Wendy and Bebe smiled at her.

Ah, that was Jessica Rodriguez. Damn, yeah, by far she and Annie are probably the cutest ones I've seen so far. Her red dress fell just above her knees and her long brown hair complimented her tanned skin.

"What are you up to?" Jessica asked.

Bebe waved her hand aside to play it cool.

"Oh, nothing. Just finding out which one of our friends is a two-faced bitch," she said.

Jessica shrugged it off and glanced at me for a second and it took every ounce of control in me to not speak out of politeness. I would blow my cover immediately and screw it up. There would be time to know her later.

"Cool! Well, see you around!" Jessica waved as she walked off.

Once she was out of sight, Wendy did not hold back.

"Skank." She muttered.

Hmm, maybe I'm looking at this wrong? Maybe them attacking each other and the name calling is from insecurity? Could be, now that I think about it.

"All right, now go in there and get to the records room. Find out if Jessie had an abortion," said Bebe.

Wait, now I'm lost.

"I thought you said it was Heidi Turner we were checking for?" I replied.

Bebe rolled her eyes and scoffed.

"No! It's any girl who doesn't have a legit record! Now go, and for the love of God, speak higher!" She pushed me towards the building.

I gave her a long stare and let out a long breath to calm down. No point in starting a fight now. I have a job to do and I sure was hell would make the girls look bad doing it.

"Whatever you say, bitch," I said as I made my way to the building.

"What did you call me?" Bebe shot back.

I turned and gave her the most sickeningly sweet smile I could and raised my voice to a higher pitch.

"You heard me, bitch!" I wiggled my fingers in a wave.

Whatever Bebe may have said to my back, I ignored and made my way across the street to the clinic. Once I got across the road I looked up at the sign and took a deep breath to calm any last second nerves. Stay calm, play it cool, use high voice.

My hands pulled the door to the clinic open and I stepped inside.

Fuck me.

Yeah, almost been a year since an update, but like I said, this is a side project. Hopefully this 26 pager was worth it and filled with some laughs at least. The next update will come eventually. Stay tuned and take a look at some answers to reviews I got. Namely regarding a certain topic some of you brought up.

Review Responses:

NaruSaku fan in Kentucky: I will only give characters roles of they are fitting for part of the plot. I'm not going to try and make it work by shoehorning them in.Bobby Jenkins: Romance is not going to be a huge point in this story, only implied. I will not prolong the story just to throw it in there. And regarding girls and putting them in The Fractured But Whole sequel just to put them in there, the answer is no. Not unless they can fulfill any subplot I have for them or truly stand out.

Bobby Jenkins: Romance is only going to be implied, not a huge point focused on. Same goes for the situation with the girls in The Fractured but Whole. Unless they can serve as potential plot characters or played a part in the game, they will not be brought in.