Play-by-Play: Pacific Rim
Welcome to the Pacific Rim Play-by-Play!
As I watch a movie, may it be an Action movie, Disney Musical, Horror movie, anything I automatically think of either: smart, stupid or random things. See I suffer from a speech disability where I can't shut up during movies. It's just as annoying for me, believe me. The Play-by-Plays are my initial thoughts unless they are comments in between two parentheses.
All thoughts and opinions expressed are of my own and are in no way meant to insult or offend. I do not own these movies and I do not (do not!) claim that I do.
Some mature language. Depends on the day. Also, there are references to many things. You are not insane. If I write something like: That still only counts as one!
Yes. That's a Lord of the Rings reference. If I say "Secret tunnel!" Yes, that's an Avatar: the Last Airbender reference. Catch my drift?
Without further ado: Spoilers ahoy!
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Ok, when I saw the trailer I wasn't too keen on watching this movie. The trailer gave me the impression that it was one of 'those' movies. Considering that most of the trailer was pretty much to demonstrate the might of their CGI. I accuse these movies to have used "CGI porn". CGI porn is CGI thrown into a movie for no justifiable reason or is so obviously used when it isn't supposed to be seen at all.
Avatar (blue monkeys version)? Justified CGI porn.
RIPD? Unjustified CGI porn.
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey? Unjustified CGI porn.
The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug? Justified CGI porn.
You get me?
I'm proud to say that Pacific Rim has completely justified CGI porn.
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Jaeger - most badass word in German atm.
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FIIIIIISSSHHH!
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What is it with bad guys and destroying major landmarks? At least they left Big Ben alone this time.
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Who wants to bet that the people called the first Kaiju "Godzilla". I know I would have. I mean come on! For lack of a better name. We all know it. There's no point in fighting it.
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This is actually a great intro. I don't care what other people say. It's catchy.
But the whole governments working together… eh. I don't think that would have happened. Blame it on Movie Magic. I can see Companies working together but Governments? Hmm…. In a perfect world? Sure. In ours? No.
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OBAMA!
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Realistic human reaction: Merchandising!
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2020? That's pretty soon actually. I'm to expect brain-melding technology in 6 years? I'll hold you to that Pacific Rim.
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I'm in love with their gear. It's so cool looking but it takes a while to gear up. Not everything can be perfect I guess.
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Wait… so they decapitate Gipsy Danger every time they want to get out of her?
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Damn that's one strong platform. It has to move a whole Jaeger. Well if they can create Jaegers, I guess it would be a major design flaw if they couldn't move them.
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"Neural Handshake initiated" Wait what? Was that what they call the brain connection? HAhaha! That's awesome.
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Macho move #1: Hand and Fist - We gon fight bro!
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That music is insanely macho and uplifting. Like the soundtrack itself would be badass enough for someone to become built on the spot just by hearing it. It's a definite driving song for sure. Right up there with Two Steps from Hell.
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Come on! The fishermen are at sea and there's a huge moving thing coming their way. A Kaiju is the only logical explanation.
Also why would the Kaiju go after the fishing boat if there's a military base close by?
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Someone please draw the Gipsy Danger playing with the small fishing boat like if it were in a bathtub. That would be amazing.
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Nah come on we all know if you don't mutilate it's dead body a couple times it's not dead. It's just common sense.
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"I got this!"
No you mean "we" got this. You two are one. Neural handshake.
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Oh shit. There goes the left arm.
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Say what you want, Kaijus are dicks. STOP NOM NOMING THE JAEGER
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Well we know the main character (Raleigh Beckett) is alive. You can stop saying "No signature."
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"I'd like to find a whole ship!" Said scavenger who is probably really rich now.
"We never find anything good." Said disbelieving child. Well now, let me hand you a huge Jaeger to the conveniently placed scavengers.
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How did he manage to move the Jaeger with only the left side? Meh. Movie magic. If he doesn't have brain trauma I'm out. (Considering I watched this movie at least twice to write this, you can guess that he probably does have some sort of damage.)
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So what's the name of our main character? (Raleigh Beckett.) And his brother? (Bro Beckett? Let me check IMDB. His name is Yancy.) Don't keep me hanging here. We know the Jaeger's name before theirs.
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17 minutes until the main title is shown. I don't remember what I was going to write here. It wasn't negative though.
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A wall. Really? That's their answer? Really? If the Jaeger program is failing, fund them to make even bigger Jaegers! A fucking wall isn't going to stop anything. Well in their defense maybe they watched Game of Thrones and their Wall solved all their problems. Game of Thrones can't go wrong. They should have asked what George Martin would have done. Build Dragon shaped Jaegers would solve everything. Maybe that's what a Mark 7 looks like.
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What a safe construction workplace. Such a lovely peaceful location full of love and safety. Who wants to bet the Unions went nuts over the workplace conditions.
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"They broke the wall like it was nothing! But the builders said it was unbreakable."[Not the exact quote but you get it.]
Yea they also said that for the Titanic. People don't learn. You can't make unbreakable things! Unless it's Wolverine. No one can break Wolverine.
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Striker Eureka. A second Jaeger is named. What's our dude name again? (Raleigh Beckett.)
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A helicopter lands. Beckett: Oh it must be for me then.
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Mark 3? Whats a Mark 3? What's the difference between a Mark 3 and 4? They aren't going to explain this concept are they? (No but it's not really important. That is until they get to Mark 7.)
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Well post traumatic stress. Good to know Beckett (Raleigh Beckett) isn't a Mary Sue.
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Damn this movie looks great. There are no words. I'm fangirling like nuts over Gipsy Danger.
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Annnnnnd kiss. Nevermind the umbrella, it's just an obstacle. You know it's meant to be.
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Mako Mori? Good to know we know her name seconds after she is introduced.
(This movie has one major flaw: Who the hell is who. The name introductions weren't very strong.)
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2500 tons of awesome. Although I love your attitude and your chemistry with the mathematician… dude… "My brother and I took him down in 2022*." (Or whatever year they said it was.) Don't start saying that the Kaiju was awesome. Chances are that person will not agree.
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FORKLIFT!
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4 Jaegers left? I expect to see them all in badass action.
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Russian chick takes the show. And their Jaeger looks like a freaking Qunari! A BADASS QUNARI! SUBMIT TO THE QUN!
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All right. So we got Qunari Mark 1, Striker Eureka Mark 5 – nice and shiny. Um… what do the marks mean again? Just a fancy word for upgraded versions I suppose. (Once again. It doesn't mean a single thing.)
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Is he (Chuck —Hot head Australian) always going to have his dog follow him around?
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I want someone to figure out what really is on that Mathematician's (Hermann) chalkboard. Time to ask the science side of Tumblr!
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"Handwriting of God." (Hermann)
"What?" The man with his hands in Kaiju guts is amazing. (Newt)
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I swear one day I'll have the actual names plugged in. (Mostly in parentheses. Also everytime I write 'Newton' you should just correct it to Newt…)
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CLONES! I LOVE CLONES!
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The Kaiju brain looks like the Covenant Engineer from Halo. Without the cute factor. And multiplied Ew factor.
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Neural surge? Please. It's the neural handshake Marshall. The AI said it already.
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As soon as someone shoots down someone else's theory, you just know that person is right.
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GIPSY! Still the best-looking Jaeger.
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Oh he's got a bow tie! Daww that's cute. (According to IMDB - name is Tendo Choi.)
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Ok, I'm not gonna comment on the love eyes. It would invade this Play-by-Play. (I ship it.)
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What are the drops and kills thing? You need a co-pilot to be in a Jaeger… what is she dropping in and killing?
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Is Beckett always gonna give out life lectures to people for the whole movie?
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That's a very useful use of a peephole. I approve Mako.
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Dat sexy Russian woman. Mmhmm. I can appreciate the view of another of my own gender. She steals the show. (I only noticed on the second viewing that the Russian man has a black beard. Woops.)
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Smug Australian bastard(Chuck). Who wants to bet he has daddy issues?
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Oh… that's his name. Raleigh.
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The contender scene is awesome. Beckett : "Every time a match ends you do a little *squints* gesture."
You are perfect my lad.
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Me: "KICK HIS ASS!"
My sister: "Dude, it's not about winning. It's about compatibility."
Me: "I know but… it would be nice."
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I'm not even gonna start with the Marshall frustration. It would be too long.
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You just want a neural handshake with her Beckett. I can see right through you.
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Well the discontinued Jaeger issue got resolved rather quickly.
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I love the groupie's (Newt) reasoning as to why his actions are always ultimately the mathematician's (Hermann) fault. Great dose of comedy there.
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Wait Mewton? Newton? What's his name? (Newt)
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Red shoe = cue to symbolism
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Dawwwwww the Gipsy co-pilot reveal scene is fucking cute.
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NEURAL HANDSHAKE! Imma write it every time they say it. Or you know, when they say it wrong. Goddamn now I sound like that person.
I'm only supporting the AI's term. Which is superior of course. Ask any AI. Well… ask any non-evil AI. So don't ask the Reapers.
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Don't chase the rabbit. Should have told that to Alice. They missed a great opportunity to make an Alice in Wonderland reference. Unless that was the reference. In which case: Oops.
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Newton. First name or last name? Is he related to the deadliest son of a bitch in space? Haha Mass Effect reference. Sue me.
(And now the joke isn't good anymore because his name is Newt.)
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The trailer does no justice to this movie.
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BOXER FIST! Return of Macho move #1
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Do not trust him! - I hope Newton listens and doesn't reveal any secret information.
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When they ain't blinking, they be chasing the rabbit.
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Oh shit Kaiju! I better stand away from my safe garbage bin hideout and get right in front of the Kaiju. Child logic. Of fuck never mind. The Kaiju just crushed the thing. Good call kid. Now go hide in the alley or use a bike to GTFO. No? You want to stay right there. Very well then…
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There should be a failsafe inside of the suits available to the co-pilots. Like Mako cannot be the first co-pilot to go bonkers and chase the fluffy rabbit down a bloody hole.
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Male potency Kaiju bone powder = the modern day Viagra/miracle drug.
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Oh goddamn it, those gold shoes are going to seriously annoy me. Don't walk Hannibal Chau just stay completely still. (I understand they wanted the cowboy factor, I heard the cowboy music when he was introduced, and it still drives me nuts.)
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KICK HIS ASS! Although the Australian hot shot (Chuck) is the only reason I know Beckett's name. So I guess he's ok.
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Punch to the face? Totally justified. Apologise bitch. Hehehe. I get immature when people fight in movies. I call it the Hawke Complex. Dragon age 2 will do that to you.
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Someone tell Mini Mako Mori that her hand isn't blocking out the sunlight for shit.
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There's no "3: Don't you ever touch me again"? Come on Marshall! Rule of threes!
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"Today the drift was strong." No the handshake was strong. Goddamn it Beckett.
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The AI sounds like the guys in Portal.
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Crimson Typhoon, Triple Arm Chainsaw. General Alpha, Team badass Russia. Striker Eureka, team Australia. Gipsy Danger, Team Main Characters and Sexy Body Unit.
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"ONE CUBIC METER OF CRAP HAS ENOUGH PHOSPHEROUS TO FERTILIZE A WHOLE FIELD!"
(A little later)
Aaaannnddd there goes the classified information. Do not trust anyone ANYONE who wears gold plated shoes! Goddamn it Newton!
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Team Russia with the awesome extendable fist.
Macho move #2: Fist bumps self twice and weapons activate. Booya Team Russia!
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Goddamn it Team Russia just had to die in Dark Water. No stop that. Stop.
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Macho move #3: Team Australia with their engaging missiles. They would have made Tarzan proud :D
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It's weird to me that the Kaiju didn't try to mutilate the Austalian Jaeger; they obviously know how their EMP weapon works. I mean… You know?
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"Get up old man." Says the young Australian. (Chuck)
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"
Hehehe It's ok Daddy Australia. (Hercules)
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"OR WE CAN DO SOMETHING REALLY STUPID!" (Hercules)
Macho points to team Australia.
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Good to know that Kaijus have "Oh shit" moments too.
Macho points to Team Gipsy for showing up, having the badass score and having very good timing.
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Gispsy has a Samus Aran look to her. I approve. Also, knuckle tattoos. Win. She has knuckle prints! You know how some people have "d-e-a-t-h" tattooed on their knuckles for kicks. Gipsy got some too! Aww yea. (Or maybe it's a kill meter. Like those Pilots with their fighter jets, they used to keep track of their kills by marking their planes, personalize the hull and all that.)
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"Let's check for a pulse." Shoots a couple times just to make sure.
Good, you learned sexy man.
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Macho move #4: Boat club.
Come here bitch. My Ship is gonna beat you with a ship. Shipseption.
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I wish the news helicopters had kept an eye on the Kaiju. If you're going to be there may as well be useful.
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Macho points for Sword Slow Mo slicing.
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Hannibal Chau… you didn't check if the baby Kaiju was dead. Your death was your own fault. Rule number one: Make sure it's DEAD BEFORE YOU MONOLOGUE
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Awwww nerd bonding. What the hell is powering Newton's brain handshake machine anyway?
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Mathematician handshake: tap it and avoid the awkward.
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Marshall damn. Did they mold that uniform to your body? Dayum son.
What is he standing on? Jaeger rubble? Also how the fuck are they going to do the neurological handshake with Marshall and the smug australian? (Chuck)
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I cannot get enough of that theme. My ears may never recover.
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And neurological handshake issue solved.
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There must be something in my eye. "That's, my son you got there." No no no. "My son." Oh someone just took a massive onion and squirt its evilness into my eyes. The tears are just helping me fight.
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"I never thought about the future." Goddamn it, you're not going to propose are you?
"I never had good timing." Thank god.
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NEURAL HANDSHAKE! THEY SAID IT PROPERLY! THANK YOU NEWTON AND MATH DUDE (HERMANN)
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Seeing the Jaeger technology work on it's own is the coolest thing. Seeing the little things work on their own like the knees absorb the shock when she land on the ground, the flickering lights at the slightest movements… Goddamn I'm a complete Gipsy Danger fan.
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Ok that's the third arm dismemberment. STOP HURTING GIPSY!
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Macho move #5: Stand and slice.
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Two near arm decapitations against Kaiju Mark 5. They like arm dismemberment in this movie don't they? That can be their thing I guess. Dreamworks likes to drown/near drown their characters and Leo likes to die, smoke and get in contact with water so yeah. I can accept that.
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FIIISSSSHHHHHH!
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Goodbye Gipsy Danger… I'll remember you in all of your badassery and might.
*Salute*
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Control should have been able to detect a life sign, I'm sorry. We know he's alive so that whole: "Oh no he's dead! Gah he has no pulse! Nooooo!" is sort of lost on me. But again, that's just my opinion.
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Oh his name is Hercules? Macho points to…. Team Austalia…. Oh there's something in both of my eyes. Just hang on.
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And listening to the entire end credits cuz the theme is back and Gipsy Danger is in it.
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Dear mother of god. DO NOT GIVE HIM HIS SHOE! WHATEVER YOU DO DON'T GIVE HANNIBAL HIS MOTHERFUCKING SHOE!
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So this was the Pacific Rim Play-by-Play! Thank you for your time! Have a great day and remember friends: Make sure it's dead.
Author note: So the Play-by-Plays are pretty much in existence because I talk a lot during movies. By writing down what I think in a word file, I don't say it out loud. Therefore: I bother no one.
This idea came to me when I was watching Enchanted, by Disney. I kept updating my Facebook status talking about all of the little things I saw in the movie and then I just brought up a word file and started commenting. I've been told that I can be quite entertaining.
It a good system because the people who want to know all my stupid comments can go and read them. Everyone wins!
Have a great day dear internet!