A kink meme fill for Gamagoori/Mako Erotophobia. I had to rewrite it three times and try out different ideas to come to this result and I plan at least one or two more chapters because the creative juices be flowing!

Hope you enjoy!

He could not be in any worse situation.

Be calm, Gamagoori, be calm. Breathe in, breathe out. Control, conceal, contain. It will not be revealed now nor ever. You can do this Gamagoori, you have done this for years. You will not have a panic attack here and now, in front of your girlfriend, control it! Breathe in, breathe out, focus on other things. Keep your eyes straight ahead, control your facial expressions, stop the involuntary shaking. Do not expose this situation to anyone. Keep away the thoughts, keep back the fear. Control your body as you have done for so long.

The fear passed. He relaxed for a moment before he realized that for a full two minutes and twenty-four seconds he had panicked about the girl sleeping peacefully on his lap as they lay watching a movie they had lost interest in. Her head laid precariously near his crotch and he was not enjoying the way her breath tickled the area with a bitter-sweet shiver. He wiped the cold sweat off his forehead, keeping his chest from heaving heavily from the aftershock of the panic attack. He looked down at her again and prayed that she would wake up and move so he could actually relax and make sure that he did not suffer once again from the embarrassing attacks.

He had not expected for them to increase or even happen as frequently with this change in relationship with her. He needed to switch up his thoughts, to distract his body and mind from...from the urges. He started to pet her hair, hoping that the repetition would help and it did enough for a distraction.

Mako Mankanshoku continued to sleep away their date, her mouth hung open against his leg. She had no clue what she was doing to him right then, and even though she was awake and aware of his actions she faked her sleep and continued to snoop on him silently.

Gamagoori broke into another cold sweat, an urge rising up in his abdomen. He fought to keep his breath under control, fighting through the cold sweats as he soaked through the top of his shirt. She needed to get out of his lap now or something worse was to happen...

He felt her shift in his lap and then he heard the yawn, letting a breath of relief leave him as Mako sat up, rubbing her eyes as she came out of her nap.

"Did I fall asleep?" Mako asked look up at him with a soft smile. Gamagoori nodded quickly and helped her off his lap, setting her beside him. She leaned on his arm and sighed sleepily, cuddling up beside him.

With her arm draped into his lap, fingers all but resting on his crotch.

Keep calm, Gamagoori, she'll move her hand when she realizes where it is. She'll move it and he'll avoid another panic attack which was starting to bubble up in his gut. Control, conceal, contain. Control, conceal, contain. Do not show her what was going on in your head. You have this under control, don't panic, don't panic-

Were Mako's fingers tapping against his crotch now? He looked down nervously at her hand and found her smiling coyly up at him. She had her other hand on his chin, turning his face to her as she kissed him deeply. His hands moved against his mind's orders, at least respecting the order to push Mako's offending hand on his lap away, pulling her close and kissing back. He was relaxing for a moment, glad to just be kissing her and not fighting about the hand on his crotch. They had done this before, with no sexual connotation and so far he felt no sexual vibes through their kisses. Mako's hand moved from his face to his shoulder, his fingers trailing eerie lines down his neck. The kiss heated up, Mako's tongue slipping into his mouth.

Now he had to back away before he panicked. He pushed Mako away softly and wiped the spit falling from his lips away. His hands were shaking.

"Gamagoori? What's wrong?"

He couldn't look her in the eyes. He had to look anywhere but her face. Calm down! Do not show it, do not show her what was happening! The guilt hit him just in time and the panic faded into the background. He let out a shaky breath, now dealing with the aftershock. Mako still watched him with concern, her hands hovering out in the gap between them. He felt even more guilt.

He was pushing away Mako in every attempt she had done to initiate anything sexual, which had started a week ago into their two-month long boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, and he honestly wished that he did not panic when any sort of sexual urge happened. For so long it was easy to control and hide because there was little to nothing to provoke such responses, and then he fell for Mako. The fearful urges from his lower regions and the images and dreams coming to him increased, all revolving around her. The guilt of feeling such things for the No-Star student who he knew he had no chance with helped him control them and his panic attacks. It changed once again when Mako stepped up to him and admitted having feelings for him, asking for a date.

Now two months later, here they stood. Fighting the secret he swore never to show and tell.

"Gamagoori?"

"I-I'm sorry Mako, I..." He couldn't, no, wouldn't tell her. He could never admit it. He couldn't even explain his actions to her, and that obviously did not sit well with her. A big pout came to her cute face, and she pointed an accusing finger at him

"Why do you keep on doing that? You keep on cowering away when I do things like that!"

"With good reason!" Gamagoori defended, not thinking beyond his statement. His figure was shaking from a bubbling panic with an urge swimming in his loins. Mako's hands rested on his chest, her fingers digging into his skin through his shirt.

"But couples do that! They kiss with tongue, they do little touches! I know that, I asked my mom! Couples that date for a long time get really close to their partners and start to do things with their bodies!" Mako argued. Gamagoori's face softened, his thoughts and fears taking a backseat for once. It dawned on him that he could at least try once.

"Alright. We...can try.."

Mako shook her head, and her hands ventured lower, her fingers this time playing with the elastic band of his pants. Gamagoori's heart roared up in his chest, his thoughts shrieking at the increasing urges and thoughts about going second base with Mako. He felt the need to say no but at the same time, the evil thought of 'keep going, keep going' entered his head and for the first time beat out his cry for stop. His body rebelled and he told her 'yes' to continue, his inner anxiety flaring up into infernos. He needed to get away, he needed to calm down and keep his urges chained down and dead. He could not go any further with this. He was going to snap, calm down dammit! His heart thudded painfully in his chest and he could feel burning tears start to prick at the corners of his eyes. It was going to break; the dam he had built around his fear was about to crack. He tried his best ot hold it for her. Mako looked directly into his eyes, not seeing the fear trapped within his shields. She heard his yes and felt his body respond. She slipped two fingers under the band, her nails tickling the bare skin before his pubic area. He sharply drew breath as she crew pointless circles around the same area, one daring to lower an inch closer to his privates.

The tears slipped down his face, and his shields broke into a thousand shards, releasing his most kept-secret.

"STOP TOUCHING ME, GET AWAY FROM ME! STOP IT!"

Gamagoori practically broke Mako's arm as he moved and threw it back to her, scooting in blind fear from her so fast he fell to the ground, nearly hitting his head on the glass coffee table. He pushed the table away from him until he could scoot far enough where he could curl up and look up at Mako in pure fear. His anxious tears fell with a chorus of whimpers as he shielded himself with one arm, his mind telling him to stay on his toes in case Mako saw not his fear but a desperation she thought she could control. His mind did not register the fact that he had revealed his panic to her. When he peeked fearfully over his arm to look at Mako, he did not expect what he saw.

Mako was crying. She sat on her knees with tears running down her face, her eyes widened like she had seen a ghost. She looked down at her hands for a moment before realizing what she had done.

"I'm sorry I pushed this, Gamagoori. I'm sorry. I should have known that something deeper was involved with this. We should have never tried any of this. I should go"

Gamagoori, even with his mind surrendered to his fear, responded quickly. "No! No, please just stay!"

Mako looked confused, slipping herself on the floor a few feet from him. "But I make you like this! You need your space!"

"I need-!" Gamagoori's yell cut off. What did he need? Comfort? Space? What did he need? Either way, he had waited too long and Mako was starting to leave, removing herself from the floor and wiping away her tears.

"I-I should go, before I hurt you more"

Gamagoori grabbed for her as she turned to leave, tugging her down to his level again. She yelped as she fell into him but did not resist. She simply held him as he sobbed into her shoulder like a child, She knew now what she needed to do to help amend the situation and her mistake. She rubbed her free hand up and down his back, trying to soothe him and his obvious extreme panic attack. He hiccuped in his cries, his cries slowing down. Mako softly cried with him until she realized that she could do more.

"Gamagoori!"

Mako had left his secure hold and he looked up to see her in her familiar 'hallelujah' pose, arms crossed above her head and a spotlight lighting her up in theatrical fashion.

"I realize that I made a mistake and tried to push sex on you and I know that my apology will not be acceptable, but let me offer an alternative to show you that I am truly sorry for doing such a disgusting thing that has triggered something bad in your head! If you would like to, I ask with everything in me that you forgive my actions and my narrow-mindedness and let me know what has happened to you that made you fear sexual things so I may not make this humiliating mistake again and fix our relationship because I know I have severely damaged it by pushing something you obviously did not want to do!"

Gamagoori's fear and panic still ran rampant, his mind telling him to run as far away as possible and not look back, but he knew that he could not run from it any longer. Mako, even though she had not meant any pain, saw that it had caused a negative reaction and wanted to learn from it like a responsible adult. She wanted to know, to understand what had happened to him. He let out a shaky breath and offered a hand although it shook with the tremors of his attack. Mako looked at it funny before she was at his side, rubbing her hands quickly together.

"I can also help calm you, if you're okay with me touching you. It was something my mom did when I freaked out about in the first days in the slums. I'll just be touching your temples and nothing else!"

Gamagoori took notice that Mako was treading lightly around him, like she knew already what to do this people having panic attacks. He did not question it and agreed to letting her touch him. She scooted up to him and rose her friction-warmed hands across his temples, her thumbs rubbing softly directly on them. The soothing warmth sent a comforting pressure into his mind, the tight ropes of his fearful thoughts releasing their tension. Thoughts that plagued him earlier faded once more into the void. His clenched hands started to relax little by little. His breathing started to relax as well, and his arms relaxed into his lap. Mako softly sighed in relief as she watched her efforts actually work, glad that she could start making up for her mistake.

"I know that you did not intend to hurt me Mako" Gamagoori murmured.

"I still left a scar though! I made you break down and cry!"

"Mako, you didn't know about this, you wouldn't have and I consented to it before you began"

Mako pouted. "It does not excuse the fact that I did it to this point! I feel terrible. I wrongly thought you were just excited and then I triggered something in you! I should be kicked out of here for what I did!"

Gamagoori's rational sense returned. In any other time, he would have thrown Mako out and let himself stew in his fear. He would have ended the relationship then and there, and make sure that he never had such urges for her again, but he knew Mako. She knew she made mistakes and has in the past. She never meant to hurt him, and was simply doing what she thought was right. It was he who lost it, how let his fear consume him.

He knew that he wanted this. He finally realized that he could accept his urges and share them as the long hanging storm clouds parted and let his true thoughts to the surface.

"Mako, what you have done has helped me more than hurt me. 'Darkest before the dawn', right? Do not worry about it"

Mako still looked very uncertain and Gamagoori knew that she would not let it go easy. He softly kissed her to prove his words that she was forgiven, whispering against the smooth velvet of her lips that she was more right then wrong to push him. Mako was reluctant but she backed away from the kiss with a soft little smile.

"Thank you for forgiving me, Ira" she softly said, "Are you alright with telling me the back story to the sexual anxiety?"

"Yes, I am"

Gamagoori cupped both her hands in his and set them between them. "What you saw, that reaction to your evasion, began because of myself. I have always kept myself controlled, no matter what it was. Sexual urges, impulses abound from my past, it all needed to be controlled. Somewhere along the way, it just...collapsed into itself. I grew fearful of my natural bodily reactions. I feared my sexual urges like the plague. I would easily break down into panic and would constantly have cold sweats. I've fought it for years, denying it and concealing it from the world around me, not even Lady Satsuki know of this, at least I do not think she does. I refused to let such an embarrassing fear free to a world that had everything sexualized, while I shivered and shook in fear of it.

"It's formally called Erotophobia. The fear of things related to sex, mine focused on sexual urges. I realize now, thanks to you Mako, that I need to fight it now. I am determined now to fight it and knock it out of my system, but I know it will be a long, tedious task that will not disappear within days and I can not do it alone. I know that in any situation involving anxiety that you must push the limits to make it better"

"A-and are you implying that I should do that?!" Mako exclaimed. She saw the calmness in his face, even as he started to shake. She took the sides of his face in her hands and slowly breathed alongside him as a panic attack came once more. He calmed it down once more and opened his eyes, staring into her endless brown eyes.

"If you are okay with doing it Mako, then I would like you to help me break my fear of my sexual urges. I trust you and I know in my heart that I want to do this with you. I realize that this event has scarred us both and I do not expect you to accept"

"I accept, Ira, I absolutely accept this responsibility!" Mako answered quickly. "I want to do this with you. I promise that I will help in any way"

Gamagoori sighed in relief, resting his forehead against Mako's. He could do this, he could fight it. He had Mako to help and support him through it, he could finally accept his urges and push the envelope with Mako and let them finally be free of the anxiety keeping second base from their grasp. Mako captured his lips with a silent smile, her hands sliding down to encircle his neck. He sighed into the kiss, his body craving more. His fear fired up as that signal came through, the shaking beginning again. Mako backed away as it started and repeated her earlier steps and helped him calm down. Gamagoori had a grimace on his face as Mako looked at him.

"Dammit" he growled, "We're never going to get anywhere"

Mako shook his head around. "Do not take that mentality! You are Ira Gamagoori, shield of the legendary Lady Satsuki and boyfriend of Mako Mankanshoku! You have fought through war and darkness and survived childhood bullies. You built yourself from the ground up and look where you are now! If you can fight through that and come out strong and brave, we can battle this fear! We can knock it out of the park but like you said it will take time. No instant results! Maybe you could...try silencing it! It works for me, let's try it! Every time you start feeling that fear begin, try pushing it back and telling it to shut its stupid mouth up!"

Gamagoori agreed. They had to start somewhere to start progressing. He settled in his spot and let Mako climb into his lap again, her lips pressed on to his in a deep kiss, stirring the urges up once more in his stomach. His fear started up once again, but Gamagoori fought it as he kissed Mako back, silencing them for a moment. He felt his sexual urge for the first time in years without fear and it was a burning he felt everywhere. He wrapped his arms around her and let his tongue explore her mouth, fighting the anxiety when it rose up in him. Air dictated their actions as their lungs burned for its oxygen and they parted, panting softly. Mako's smile had returned. She leaned in to his ear.

"I'm going to try something, okay? To test if silencing your fear works" Mako asked, smiling the entire time with a purpose.

"Alright. Go a-ahead" he whispered, fighting the urge in his pants to try to move. His fear bubbled brightly at that one and he barely caught it before it exploded like he usually let it. Mako kissed the side of his face before moving so she was between his legs, her hands trailing down his chest like before. His heart started to pound again, the cold sweat starting again. He fought it, pushing it back and silencing its shrieks. He scolded his mind for fearing it. It wormed its way back into his thoughts though and he was shaking again. Mako continued, however, and her fingers found his pants once more. She gave a comforting smile up at him, placing one hand against his lower regions before reaching up and taking him by the lips, the kiss slow and romantic. His fear slithered back into a hiding spot in his mind and his anxiety left for a moment. Mako felt it too and laughed in victory, letting Gamagoori's lips free and returned back down to his crotch. She tugged at the elastic band and looked up for approval from Gamagoori.

"It's alright. Yes" he confirmed. She plunged a hand in, her fingers finding their way to his manhood quickly.

His fear exploded the instant her fingers found it, losing control without warning. The shaking returned full force and tears starting to come to him. Mako backed away, removing her hand and holding him close as he fought the anxiety attack. She helped him breathe through it, helping him build a rhythm to his breathing to help relax and take his mind off of the fear. The calm down process took time but it finally passed, leaving the couple exhausted in the wake of the attack.

"We made some progress!" Mako cheered.

Gamagoori flashed a smile at her. "Maybe we can start somewhere different on my body, to avoid a reaction like that again"

"Good idea. Maybe if we work up to that, I can finally touch it" Mako agreed, putting some blush on Gamagoori's face, Mako kissed his cheeks as he fought back that he was not flustered.

"Did you know you were blushing at that thought? You didn't start freaking out!"

Gamagoori let it settle and it dawned on him. He really had thought about it, a sexual thought, and he did not react negatively at it, but rather positively. He laughed in joy along with Mako.

Progress made, indeed.