Remus

It's the gasp of shock when you trip over your and still can't stop the noise bursting out. It's like reviving an old memory that you'd forgot and yet, pings into your head first thing on a Monday morning and making you smile fondly. It's a car-crash, deadly and irreversible, the slam of metal against the Tarmac ringing in your ears, reminding you of the quick thud-thud-thud of your beating heart locked inside your chest.

It's loving Sirius Black.

He casts me a glance and winks, purely platonic, I know this because he's putting his hand up some 6th year's skirt barely second later. I try and stop the tears pricking my eyes by trying to focus on my book, but I don't get much more than a few paragraphs read before my kind drifts, so I set it on the wooden coffee table next to my wand and lean back, my head seeking refuge in my hands. Her hands intertwined in his long hair...My heart splinters into thousands of tiny crystal like shards in my rib cage and I close my eyes and lean back, but the images continue to plague my mind.

His ebony hair, flowing like a waterfall down his long pale neck. His silver eyes glinting with mischief before he lets his eyelids fall and a swarm of long eyelashes brush his prominent cheekbones. His soft pink mouth hovering centimetres from...(mine)...hers, always her, it's never me, it's always a her different each week, but still so strikingly similar, sooty fake eyelashes, grease covered lips and tiny skirts. Long hair trailing down her back to her tiny waist where his pale hands rest-

"Moony? You alright, mate? You look at bit peaky." Ah James, he's a good friend, the best. If I'd have fallen for him he'd surely have let me down gently, but alas, Sirius Black maintains his hold on the key to my heart and he keeps it clutched in his greedy hands. I force my eyes open and push a grin onto my face, it wouldn't do to bother James, he's worried about his dad right now, Charlus Potter being the head auror in the midst of a war.

"Fine, James. Just a bit of a headache. I might go for a walk outside, in a minute." I say nonchalantly, not slipping any emotion into my voice for I know that if I do, it'll crack, and then James'll know something's wrong. I don't know why I mentioned a walk, I'd not been thinking about it previously but dwelling on it now, it seems like a better idea than sitting in here and moping.

"Do you want some company?" I'm about to say yes, I'd love some companionship, but then I see the bags under his tired hazel eyes and the way his whole demeanour screams how exhausted. I know that as soon as a I tell him no, he'll struggle up to the dormitory and collapse on the nearest four-poster bed for the night.

"You're exhausted Prongs, why don't you head to bed? I'll be grand on my own." I say, and even though I let him off, the bespectacled man still seems persistent. "It's no bother Remus, really, just let me grab my cloak and then-"

"No, you're knackered. I'll be alright on my own, don't worry James, I'll take my wand." I say firmly and he nods, relieved, lifting his hand in a half-hearted wave he makes his way towards the dormitory. I make sure he gets up the stairs before grabbing my outdoors cloak and scarf from the small cloak cupboard at the bottom of the stairs and taking my wand from the coffee table and I lope towards the portrait hole.

"Oi! Rem! Are you going outside?! Can I come?!" Sirius yells across the common room, detaching his lips from his tan neck and pushing the girl off his lap unceremoniously, standing up so abruptly he almost steps on her. I pretend not to feel smug when she yelps and pulls her fingers away from Sirius's combat boots.

He's beginning to walk towards me, a mischievous grin spreading across his face when I quietly call, "I'd rather you didn't Pads," his face falls and he looks confused, a pang of guilt surrounds my heart like a force field but I know that if he tags along then it'll be another night of acting and pretending like I don't want to take his face in between my hands and crush my lips to his-

"Why not?!" He whines petulantly, most of the common room is watching by now. I know they didn't expect me to say 'no'. I'm the pushover, I'll have done anything to keep my friends, still would actually. But then again, I just shrug and wind my soft red scarf around my neck, secretly taking a breath in to stop the onslaught of tears. I'm so sick of acting like everything's okay, I need to get out before the whole common room sees me crying because Sirius Black kissed another girl.

"Just-just not in the mood." My voice breaks and I secretly curse it, biting at my lip, hoping no ones noticed it as I keep my eyes on the buttons of my heavy cloak as I do them up. It's pointless even wishing because Sirius knows me well enough. His grey eyes become concerned and his angular face softens, "Remus?" He asks, and I shake my head, not trusting myself to speak.

I can't deal with this now. Leave me Sirius, let me be so I can run from my problems, like I always do. It's a habit that I constantly feed and right now it's hungry.

His eyebrows furrow and I offer forth a small, sad smile. He takes a step forward and I shake my head and turn, sprinting for the exit (it's always an exit, isn't it? Never an entrance) "Remus!" Sirius yells but still shaking my head I dive through the open portrait hall and land heavily on my hands and knees as the fat lady swings closed, barking insults at me for waking her.

I clamber to my feet and notice that my eyesight's blurred with tears that stream down my face. I know Sirius won't give up and one look at my face shuts the fat lady up so I run down the corridors, not knowing where me feet are leading me as I twist corner after corner, the only noises reaching my ears being the pattern of my feet and my own pathetic sniffles.

I only recognise where I am when I push my weight against one of the doors and it groans beneath my weight inching forward just enough for me to slip out and into the night. I continue running, even though there's no one behind me, and yet I still run. Slipping twice in the wet grass and not stopping until I reach a tree with a big enough shadow to hide me from prying eyes.

I sink down with my back against the damp wood which sends shivers through my spine as my bottom hits the mud which adds to the chill. I don't ace though, and I burrow my head in my knees and lock my arms around my shins, as the tears fall heavily now, like raindrops on a window. The warmth of my outdoors cloak against my wet cheeks is a dull comfort as I huddle more determinedly into myself.

I'm so pathetic...I can't even handle watching him kiss someone else...his soft, pink lips stretched into a smirk as the hovers millimetres away from her painted ones...the words he murmurs to her that makes her host a red hue that spreads across her plump cheeks...his smooth hands firmly on her waist...dragging her soft body towards his...no, no, nononono! No! NO!

A dull, icy feeling booms in my chest and I know that it's all the hope I once possessed sliding away, the hope that maybe one day it'd be me who he was smirking at, whispering sweet nothings into my ear, his hands guiding my towards his smile, one hand on the nape of my neck and the other on the small of back, gently pushing forward...it all means nothing. It's just wasting wishes on stars that turned out to be lampposts gleaming orange in the darkness.

The gentle lapping of the lake against the shore begins to soothe me, and gradually the tension in my muscles leave, I somewhat relax against the unforgiving wood and lean my head back. Peering at the stars through the green leaves that forbade themselves to fall.

They're bright tonight, shining wildly at me and winking, as if they know something that I don't, one streaks across the sky and biting my lip, I don't know whether or not to wish, one last time. But hope and positivity overwhelms my decisions and I let my eyes flutter shut.

"I wish he would love me." I murmur quietly, but my voice is lost in the wind.
My words spiralling away from me and up through the air, I can't bring myself to catch them, a rueful smile spreads over my face, maybe this time, it'll work.

(Pagebreak)

"Remus?"

Sirius?

"Remus?! Oh god! Rem, JAMES! JAMES, I FOUND HIM, COME QUICK!" Strong arms encircle me and chase the cold away, a hand comes up and strokes my cheek and I shuffle closer into the touch, I'm too tired to open my eyes even the slightest bit...

"He's as cold as ice." Someone says worriedly, it's James. I'd know his mothering tone anywhere. I wonder why he's so worried. I'm fine, just...really...sleepy.

"He's been out here all night. Why won't he wake up?! Wake up Remus!"

I'm being shaken, but I can't bring myself to care in the slightest. It's just...blissful. I snuggle closer to the warmth, and let the black over take me.