Disclaimer: I don't own Shingeki no Kyojin

Spoiler alert: A theory of mine that is based on the events of the newly released SnK manga chapter 56.

Pairings: There's implied erenmika, and references (though not actual) levimika, levieren and levierenmika though the latter are kind of crack-ishly mentioned.

A/N: Well, we now know Levi's last name... this is a kind of short drabble/crack of sorts (not really cause it's not that funny, oops) based on that big reveal. I just kind of had to get it out of my system after reading the latest chapter. Please read and review!

Levi Ackerman

"You're fucking shitting me."

"I refuse to believe that."

Erwin sighed, looking at the two in front of him, both wearing identical expressions of mixed shock and utter disdain.

The resemblance is certainly there.

"The blood tests show that you share DNA, and to confirm, I had Hanji snoop around in the old family records for a bit. Levi, your father always was referred to by his gang name, and your mother probably had you use her maiden name as your last name to prevent people from recognizing you as his son, to keep you safe in your earlier years. However, the records show that your father's last name was, indeed, Ackerman. Which makes your true identity..."

"Levi Ackerman," Levi spat out, making a face. "I don't like the sound of it."

"Me neither," Mikasa said immediately. "And just because we share a last name, doesn't mean we are related."

"That is a possibility, but the blood tests suggest otherwise," Erwin said. "And the family records show that Lukas Ackerman, the father of Levi Ackerman, was the older brother by eight years to one Erik Ackerman. Now we don't have details about Erik Ackerman's marriage or children, but I believe," Erwin broke off, nodding at Mikasa. "What was your father's name, again?"

"Erik Ackerman..." Mikasa's voice was barely a whisper, the growing horror and disbelief on her face almost comical.

"Exactly. And from the blood tests, the evidence is conclusive. You two are related. Cousins, in fact," Erwin finished, before shooting them both a wry smile. "Stop looking so morose, the two of you. Levi, didn't you always want a younger sister? Now that Isabel is gone..."

"I'll kill you," Levi snarled, glaring at Erwin for having the guts to bring up his deceased friend, a girl who he had taken under his wing during his stint underground; Isabel had looked up to him like an older brother.

"You tried once, didn't work too well," Erwin said casually, standing up. "Anyways, I suppose that revelation was quite a shock to both of you. I'll give you two some time alone. You know, for family bonding."

"Erwin, seriously, die," Levi snarled after his retreating back.

There was a long and excessively awkward silence in the room once Erwin had left. It was Mikasa who broke it, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"I suppose you'd like me to start calling you onii-san?"

"Onii-sama would be more appropriate, brat," Levi snapped at her. "Show some respect!"

They both lapsed back into silence again, mulling over their own thoughts. After awhile, Levi realized that he didn't mind the revelation so much. Though he would always maintain an outward appearance of disgust, he had grown strangely attached to Mikasa over time. Perhaps it was their similarity that had drawn him in first - she was cold, just like him, and she was the only soldier with skills enough to rival his. He had trained her personally, and many aspects of her personality had reminded him of his own.

Guess it's the sibling thing.

In fact, Levi decided, if there was any person in the entire world that he wouldn't consider it a disgrace being related to (because really, sharing blood with brats like Eren and Jean, or freaks like Hanji would be downright mortifying) it was Mikasa.

"You know..." Levi drawled after awhile. "Erwin was right when he said that I - I would have liked having a little sister."

"Oh. Okay." Mikasa fidgeted, looking rather awkward. "I guess - I guess I wouldn't have minded a brother as well. I mean, I have Eren - but Eren - he's family but not really - "

"You're adopted siblings, but I get the impression you don't think of him as a brother?" Levi said shrewdly.

"No, I really don't consider him a brother as such, it would be incestuous of me if I did," Mikasa agreed, before flushing red, realizing what she had just revealed. "No! I didn't mean it like that!"

"Yes you did and I figured it out ages ago," Levi informed her.

"How?!" Mikasa cried. "Was I that obvious?"

"No. We have a blood connection, remember." Levi winked at her and Mikasa scowled, still blushing.

"This is bullshit."

"I hope you never had any feelings for me," Levi added, jokingly. "Eren is fine, but if it were me, now that would be actual incest."

"Get over yourself," Mikasa snapped. "I would rather die."

"Good," Levi said approvingly. "I'm glad that's been clarified. I thought that given your weird and confusing relationship with Eren, you might be having some kind of a brother complex that would be transposed onto me."

"There's nothing like that!" Mikasa protested, her voice a note shriller than usual.

"Well, soldiers talk you know... there are rumors about us as well, and all of our private training sessions..."

"What?!"

"Yeah, gross, right? I never cared much because I'm used to being connected with my subordinates, but I have no choice to put an end to the ones concerning you now..."

"What do the private training sessions have to do with anything?!"

"Oh you know... they think that we're training in private," Levi said significantly as a way of explanation. Mikasa looked stumped, and he sighed. "Looks like nobody really gave you the talk."

"What talk?"

"Don't worry. Your big brother will explain everything."

"What talk?!"

"You know the one about how babies are made..."

"I know that already!" Mikasa spluttered. "I read it in a book that Armin gave me a few years ago! I don't need to hear it from you!"

"Oh, that's a relief," Levi said. "So that means you understand what the rumors are about."

Mikasa's eyes widened a fraction, and Levi recognized it as her expression for absolute shock. His was quite similar. "People - think - they think we - we're doing that?!"

"Crazy, isn't it sister?"

"Call me that again and I'll destroy you."

"You wouldn't spill your precious aniki's blood now, would you Mikasa-chan? I'm family, after all. Moreso than Eren will ever be, at least until you marry him."

"Shut up, you midget!"

"Hey! It's in our genetics, bitch."

"Not mine. We're cousins, not actual siblings."

"Still... so, do you want to break the news to Eren, or should I?"

"Wait - wait - WHAT?!" Eren's expression was priceless, as he looked from Levi to Mikasa.

"I think it makes sense," Armin said after awhile. "It would explain why they both have such excellent fighting abilities and why Mikasa was able to pick up Levi-heichou's signature spinning technique so effortlessly. It's in their blood."

"Yes, she's good isn't she," Levi said patronizingly, patting Mikasa on the head. "Proud of you, my little brat."

"Don't touch me, onii-san," Mikasa hissed, swatting his hand away.

"So - so - you're really cousins, huh?" Eren seemed to have finally digested the information. He looked at Mikasa. "I guess - that makes Levi-heichou your older brother, right? Pretty much?"

"Unfortunately so."

"So that means - maybe since you have one brother already, you could stop treating me like your brother?" Eren asked hopefully.

Levi sniggered, and Mikasa raised an eyebrow. "What is that supposed to mean? I don't treat you like a brother."

"Ah, nothing, nothing," Eren said hastily, blushing.

"Eren," Levi said, marching up to the boy when they were alone. "Mikasa may be a bit blind when it comes to these things, but I most certainly am not."

"Wh-what do you mean, heichou?!"

"I am fully aware of how your disgusting, bratty little mind thinks about Mikasa."

"Huh?"

"And I'm also fully aware about whatever sick intentions you have with her."

Eren turned red. "No! No it's not like that!"

"She's my sister, not yours."

"But heichou - "

"Don't 'heichou' me! You better treat her well Eren, unless you want my foot in your face again."

"I can't believe you have the nerve to tell me that!" Eren spluttered, indignation written across his face. "I've been with her for years, and she likes me way more than you!"

"I don't care about that," Levi said. "I'm just saying this: you make her cry over you and you'll have me to face."

"Not exactly 'face' since I'm a head taller than you," Eren mumbled under his breath.

"What did you just say, you little shit?!"

That night in the barracks, some of the female soldiers were discussing their favorite topic of gossip - hookups and potential hookups within the scouting legion.

"I can't believe Levi-heichou and Mikasa Ackerman are related!" one of the girls cried.

"I bet they're regretting all that 'private training session' sex," another added, sounding slightly gleeful. "That's just disgusting..."

"Ugh, I hope they used condoms," a third said, joining in. "Any child of theirs would be a monster..."

"Ridiculously skilled fighter though."

"What are you guys even talking about?!" a fourth girl yelled. "They're not having sex!"

"You don't know that," the second girl sneered. "You're just in denial because you want Levi-heichou all to yourself!"

"Who doesn't," the first girl added dreamily. "He's so hot... have you seen him without a shirt on?!"

"I'm saying it because it's clear that the one who is banging Mikasa is Eren Jaeger!"

"What? How do you know that?!"

"Ooooh, Eren's pretty cute too!"

"They're always together, and I overheard Armin and Jean talking about how they're so attached to one another. It's kind of adorable, actually."

"How is that adorable?! If anything, Eren and Mikasa are like brother and sister! They grew up together! That's incest."

"What's wrong with you?! Look up the meaning of incest, you idiot. They're not blood-related."

"Yeah, I heard his family took her in when she was nine. There's a big difference."

"You know... by that warped logic, it would make Levi-heichou and Eren related by default, you know?"

"Really?" a quiet girl who hadn't spoken till then looked rather disappointed. "You know, I had always put my money on Levi-heichou and Eren hooking up."

"What's wrong with you?!"

"What's wrong with you? Are you homophobic?"

"No I'm not! But that's crazier than him with Mikasa!"

"It isn't crazy! Come on, admit it, it would be really really hot..."

"Actually, come to think of it, it would be kind of hot..."

"Yeah, rumor has it that Eren has an eight-pack too."

"But didn't Levi-heichou have a thing with that girl who was in his squad once? Petra Ral?"

"Oh, did he? They would have made a cute couple. So sad what happened..."

"I thought we were saying Levi was banging Mikasa!"

"Well, after Petra died I suppose..."

"That's a terrible thing to say!"

"I thought Eren was banging Mikasa!"

"I thought Levi was banging Eren!"

"...maybe all three of them are like in a big threesome?"

"What's wrong with you! That's like... three-way incest!"

"How is that three-way incest, only Levi and Mikasa are related! Eren isn't blood-related to either of them!"

"Even if it were incest... lucky Mikasa... I'd like to be in her place..."

"What the hell is wrong with you?!"

"Why the fuck are we even having this conversation?!"

A/N - The ending thing was a bit forced, it's basically sort of supposed to be a reflection/parody of all the shipper arguments that have been going on/are going on tumblr and snk-related threads.

LeviMika are my new brotp. Like, for real. Technically, we don't even know if they're related. Maybe Levi was adopted by the Ackerman guy. But this was just a prediction-based thing which I felt like writing based on the information that was released in chapter 56.

For Levi and Mikasa's fathers' names I googled top german male names and took two that I liked off of the wikipedia list. I hope that they're actually german, haha, if not, my bad

Idk if I can bring myself to write LeviMika smut after this development haha. I REALLLLY hope he ends up being her older half-brother or cousin and not her uncle, LOL.

Thoughts?