The thing about nightmares is that you know you're in one. You're fully aware that what's happening isn't real life – it's in your head. Yet we all always find them terrifying – our mind plays tricks on us to make us live through something horrific. Most people wake up a bit shaken and fall back asleep, willing themselves to dream of happier things. Lissa once told me (when she was drunk) that she sung the Sound of Music song to herself – we'd all laughed at her of course but maybe she was onto something. Brown paper packages tied up with string…

My mind doesn't need to play tricks. It just replays memories.

I was fully aware I was asleep when I saw my parents die in the car crash. When I saw their heads go through the windshield, when I saw Lissa's neck sit at an awkward and unnatural angle and her skin marred with a thousand cuts. I knew I was asleep when I saw myself wandering into that Strigoi area in London that a part of me knew I shouldn't go to, that a part of me was screaming "Turn around! Turn around!" but that darkest part of me ignored. When I saw Sofia racing to get to me before the bulky man with bright red eyes and a vicious snarl on his face did. I knew I was asleep when I saw the look of horror on her face when he got to me, pushed me to the ground and—

I knew I was asleep when I saw her die.

But it doesn't hurt any less.

Because I wasn't dreaming when it happened the first time.

For once, it wasn't Lissa who got to me first. It was Dimitri. My screams had woken up the whole dorm, apparently, but he was the first to barge through the door, clearly expecting an attacker. Lissa was seconds behind him, having felt the bond from her secret rendezvous with Jesse – "I'll be an hour, tops… we're just fooling around!". It was Dimitri, though, who got to my bed first and shook me hard – just once – and I jolted out of my memories with a gasp and a look of sheer horror and terror on my face. His face was concerned – more than concerned… he, too, looked horrified. As though he'd never expected to see me like this. As though he'd never seen anyone like this. My eyes welled up with terrified tears and I searched his face for something comforting.

I tried hard… I tried to remember our training session from the previous night – my tenth, then – and tried to remember how happy they made me. I tried to remember our jokes, our stories we told each other… but all I could see was him… dead. What if that part of me took over again? What if I put myself in danger again only it's him who dies this time? Or Lissa? Wild, fun, life-affirming Lissa…

She held my hand, muttered soothing words and stroked my hair out of my face as more people enter our bedroom. I hadn't realised then but Dimitri was still clinging to my arms as though if he let go, I would fall back into my nightmare and he wouldn't let that happen. My eyes snapped over to the door and I willed everyone to just leave. I didn't need more people than necessary see me breakdown, to see their future Queen lose it. Lissa, bless her heart and soul, got my meaning immediately.

"Get out! Everyone! Leave!" She was too terrifying to ignore – even Kirova, who'd stumbled in later than everyone else, got the message to leave. I was clearly okay physically, and that was what Kirova cared about. What most people cared about.

But they whispered about my mind when they thought I wasn't listening. They all did – I'd heard them in Kirova's office once, in the hallway another time… My mind was the gossip of the year.

The crazy girl.

The one who would go insane before the year was out.

The murderer who got multiple Guardians killed.

I tried not to listen to them usually, but the whispers coming from my door that night – "It doesn't surprise me, she's batshit crazy" – made my mind go into overdrive.

Just as I was about to start screaming at everyone to leave, to get out, to stop talking about me as though I wasn't there, as though I was crazy, another voice did it for me.

"Leave now before I make you."

It wasn't Lissa who spoke up in a menacingly low voice. It was Dimitri.

"Guardian Belikov, I—" Kirova started, her eyebrows slamming down low across her eyes in reproval.

"She needs to be alone." He interrupted her and I was so damn grateful.

I was frozen in place still, my mind still lingering on my parents' faces, their laughs before the lorry had hit them, Sofia's last words to me… my mind was going over it again and again and it all boiled down to one thing: my fault.

They were dead and it was my fault. I was weak and I couldn't save all three of them – it was chance that I'd got to Lissa first. My fault that my stupid mind made me go wandering down that street in London…

If it wasn't for me—

"Stop that, Rosemarie," Lissa said with a firmness I didn't think she possessed. "If it wasn't for you I'd be dead. Remember that." I sometimes forgot we had that weird bond thing. Sometimes it was handy… others not so much.

The room was quiet then. Everyone had finally gone and I could breathe again. I shuffled to sit up properly in bed, Dimitri's hands coming lose on my arms. It was wrong that I immediately felt their absence and wished he'd put them back on me. He was warm and safe and…

Alive.

Taking a breath, I exhaled, "I'm sorry. They're not usually this bad."

"Don't you dare say sorry," Lissa all but shouted, throwing herself onto my bed to grasp my hand again tighter than ever.

"This happens often?" Dimitri asked quietly, not wanting to intrude on the room's peace.

I shook my head while Lissa nodded hers. She gave me a look that could take the skin off someone less practiced at her variety of scary looks. "They do happen often. Every few weeks or so. This was a long stretch without one, Rose… maybe that's why it was so bad."

I nodded, trying to discretely wipe the cold sweat off my face. "I guess."

"You should go and see the Councillor… maybe? It might help?" I knew Lis was just trying to help, but after my parents had died I'd been sent to the school's answer to a Guidance Councillor… She was there to gather intel for Kirova, I knew. Make sure I was fit to be Queen still. Make sure the Moroi Princess could be her perky little self again.

I didn't need counselling. I needed my parents back. I needed Sofia back. I needed my sanity back.

I hummed noncommittally and breathed deeply. Remnants of the dream were stuck with me, clinging on so that whenever I momentarily forgot about it, my mind would automatically replay the events for me again. I shivered slightly as I closed my eyes and tried to think of happier things.

My training.

Lissa.

Dimitri.

It struck me then how quickly he had become a part of my life. How easily he'd slotted into my routine, how much I…liked him. It wasn't completely unusual for Moroi and their Guardians to be friends but mine and Sofia's relationship had been one step further. It felt as though my relationship with Dimitri… was this going to go the same way? It amazed me how much I… depended on him. Not just for the obvious, of course – I needed him to protect me from Strigoi… but I also needed him for comfort. To be there when Lissa was with Mason or Eddie. I had no other friends to speak of – only people who I gave fake smiles to as they gave fake smiles back. We Royals all simply pretended to care.

I hated it.

I hated the emptiness of it and the insincerity.

I never felt empty around Dimitri. He made me…happy. Safe. Comfortable. Content?

I guess we were friends after all.

Lissa spent the next half an hour up with me, telling me all kinds of funny stories about her training. She told me of how she'd managed to knock both Eddie and Mason to the ground and how pissed off they'd been. I smiled where appropriate (even though all three of us in the room knew it was half-hearted) and gave nods of encouragement when Lis started to slow down in case she was boring me.

Dimitri stood stoically at the side of the bed, watching me like a hawk. Every so often I would lock eyes with him and smiled gratefully – his presence somehow made me feel so much better. As though nothing, not even my memories, could touch me. After all, this was the man who was dedicating his life to protecting mine, who was potentially risking his career to teach me to defend myself. The man who acted as though his stories of Siberia were dull and uninteresting when in fact they were the highlights of my day.

Eventually, my eyes started getting heavy again. The weariness caught up to me and I felt like my mind had left the memories. Lis and her 'clever' one-way-bond-magic knew immediately when I was tired enough to sleep again. Clearly she'd seen my head was somewhat free of nightmarish thoughts and understood immediately.

"Get some sleep," she whispered lovingly, placing her hand on mine. "I'll be here in a flash if anything starts playing up in your mind again."

What did I do to deserve this girl?

"Thank you," I whispered back, my eyes nearly welling up again in gratitude. We'd been through everything together… and yet I was keeping my training a secret from her. I wasn't sure what she'd think – would she be proud? Upset? Angry? I didn't know and for some reason, I didn't want to start sharing mine and Dimitri's time with anyone else. It was our moment together… where he wasn't simply my Guardian and I wasn't simply his Moroi to protect. He was my teacher and I was his student. For that one hour, he was in charge instead of me. For one hour, I wasn't Princess Rosemarie Hathaway – The Last Hathaway – who needed to be in control of her emotions constantly. I was simply Rose, a girl who wanted to be stronger, and he was going to do just that.

Lissa left soon after that leaving just Dimitri and I alone in my room. Whilst not unusual for Moroi and their Guardians, my heart shouldn't have started beating just that little bit harder because of it.

"I can stay," he suggested quietly after a few moments of silence in Lissa's absence, "if it will make you feel better?"

I hesitated. I wasn't sure why, but the idea of him being in the room whilst I slept seemed…intimate.

What if I drooled? Was the first stupid thought in my head. Dimitri saw me as a Moroi to guard, I had to remind myself, nothing else. He was my Guardian. No small feat but I had to make sure I didn't make him feel beholden to me in any other way. Just because I'd come to the conclusion that we were friends didn't mean that he had.

"It's okay, you don't have to – I'm sure I'll just…sleep." It was kind of him to offer though.

"I really don't mind, Princess," he offered again, souding insistent. He had this look on his face as though he alone could stop the thoughts in my head from drifting to a place of darkness. The thought made me smile softly. If anyone could, it would be him. The God of Russia, the best Guardian there was… He would surely do all in his power to protect me but…

"You can't protect me from my mind, Comrade," I uttered quietly, my gentle smile still in place so that he knew I appreciated the offer anyway. "Besides," I continued after his face fell into a frown that made my heart sink slightly. I didn't like him looking like that. "It would be a hard job, what with my insanity and all."

It was meant as a joke but it only made his face fall further.

"I'm kidding," I found myself quickly pointing out. "I'm trying to limit my Spirit, remember? We don't want another episode like…"

Like the one in London.

He knew what I meant. He didn't need a play by play.

"If I could, I would."

Those five words meant more to me than he could ever know. The wilfulness behind them, the strength of meaning… he really would've done what was necessary if he could have. It was in his nature as a Guardian to be protective, to be the pillar of strength our whole community needed, what we required. But mostly, it was just in his character to care, to want to help.

I pushed my hands into my duvet and started playing with the fabric there so I didn't have to look at his crestfallen face anymore. I hated being the one who made him frown. His troubled expression made me want to be the sort of girl who could laugh quickly and freely, who was happy and joyful and…

The old me.

"You do enough," I whispered more to myself than to him. I smiled again, looking up at him. "You really should've known me before the crash." I'd said something similar to him once, that being my Guardian was usually more fun. Maybe it was, in the past, but he didn't have much to look forward to in his future… I think he was starting to figure that out for himself. "I was much more fun, much more…alive. I was more like Lissa, but not nearly as badass." I was trying to lighten the mood that my idiotic nightmares had brought down and it was painfully obvious to us both. "You would've liked me, I think."

His face perked up slightly then at my attempt of humour and then he quietly said something as he made his way to the door that almost made my nightmare worth it.

"I like you now, Printsessa."

His shadow under the door from the opposite side stayed there the whole night and when I finally drifted off, the nightmares did not return.

What is this?! I hear you cry, appalled that I have managed to get an update up in less than a week.

Thanks SO SO much for all the lovely comments and opinions in your reviews! I love hearing what you guys think because this is my first venture in VA FF - I'm not really sure what I'm doing and I've yet to read around in this fandom, so any comments are always appreciated since it makes me feel like maybe I'm not ruining anything!

Hope you're all well and enjoyed the chapter x