The second half! I really don't update this verse enough – I promise the next instalment will be something much lighter.

Sam woke up with a heavy weight draped across his chest.

For a moment he was confused, wondering if something had fallen on him during the night. But then pieces of the evening before started to slot together in his brain, and he groaned.

Damnit. He just had to go and mess everything up, didn't he?

Gabriel shifted on Sam's chest, and Sam debated whether he could pretend to be asleep. He wanted to savour the moment. It was perfectly probable that this would be the last morning him and Gabe would ever wake up together – Gabe would never want to stay with him when he heard about Sam's past. Sam should never have agreed to divulge anything. Some things should always remain a secret.

"Morning, Sammy." Gabriel's voice was rough with sleep and Sam fought down the arousal that stirred.

"Morning. I hope you slept OK." Sam didn't know what to say.

"Mm. I had the world's best pillow. We have got to do this more often."

A pang went through Sam's chest. He wanted to do this again, God knew he did. But Gabe wouldn't want to after Sam revealed everything.

"Yeah," Sam agreed simply.

Gabe rolled over and stood up, stretching his arms above his head. Sam's eyes strayed to his exposed waistline for a moment before he pulled his vision away. Now was not the time.

"Breakfast and caffeine. Then we can talk." Gabe was amazingly coherent in the mornings.

Deciding not to argue, Sam sat up and pulled a pair of trousers over the boxers he had been sleeping in. Not bothering with a shirt, he followed Gabe downstairs and watched his boyfriend make breakfast.

It was slightly strange, Gabe making the breakfast in Sam's house, but he was definitely the better cook. Plus, when he was nervous Sam tended to burn things, and eating charcoal wasn't going to put Gabe in an understanding mood.

Savouring what could be the end of their relationship, Sam moved closer and pressed a kiss on Gabe's cheek. Gabe smiled, turning to give Sam a proper kiss, his hands falling to Sam's waist. They both had morning breath, but neither of them cared. It was wonderfully domestic, and Sam hoped that this wasn't the end.

It was foolish to hope, but Sam was a fool. His past proved that beyond doubt. He was a fool who thought he was clever and therefore made bigger mistakes than most people could make in three lifetimes.

Once Gabe had cooked breakfast – delicious bacon and eggs that had Sam's mouth watering – Sam washed up, allowing his boyfriend to shower. On another occasion, he might have joined Gabe, but Gabe had shaken his head at the silent question. He was already pulling away, Sam could sense it. But he didn't deserve Gabe, so he wasn't going to fight to pull him back.

When Gabe reappeared, Sam was sat on the couch waiting for him. He couldn't put this off any longer. It was time.

"Alright, Sammy. You've been looking like you're going to have a nervous breakdown all morning. You may as well spill whatever has you so wound up. It's not going to make me think any differently of you, I promise."

Don't make promises you can't keep." Sam's voice was morose.

"I never do." Gabe wrapped Sam up in a hug, and Sam returned it, pressing his face into Gabe's shoulder. Gabe smelt like his shampoo. On any other occasion it would have been erotic, but now, it just made Sam sadder.

"I don't know where to start." It was the truth. Sam's entire life was a train wreck, he could start anywhere.

"From the beginning?"

Sam sighed. "I killed my mum when I was six months old."

Gabe was silent.

"She took me out of my crib because she was planning on taking Dean and I to the park. She set me on the table and there was a candle. It wasn't close to me or anything, it was on a shelf, but somehow I knocked her handbag and it hit a broom and there was a domino effect, and basically I set the room on fire. Dean was four and he carried me out. Mum didn't make it."

Gabe placed a hand on Sam's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Sam. But it wasn't-"

"It was my fault. Don't tell me it wasn't. Maybe it was an accident and maybe I was too young to realise what I was doing, but I still did it. No-one else was to blame."

Sam took a breath, trying to stop the tears that were forming in his eyes.

"After that, we grew up all over the place. Dad switched trades, became a firefighter – a specialist. We were always moving round with his work. Dean adjusted well to life on the road, but I didn't. I had trouble making new friends and then leaving. I started growing angry, resentful at dad for disrupting my childhood. It wasn't his fault, but I still blamed him. He was stressed and I wasn't helping, and then he started drinking more to cope and Dean had to look after me even thought he was barely fourteen. It went on and on until dad got drunk and was driving home and hit a tree, and, well. I had killed my father too."

"If he hit a tree, you didn't kill him."

"I drove him to alcoholism! I as good as killed him."

"Sam-"

"Don't." Sam turned away from Gabe. "That's not the worst part, anyway. That's just the background."

Gabe wanted to say something, Sam could tell. But if he was stopped now, he wouldn't have the courage to continue.

"Dean raised me from then. Dropped out of school, took a job as a mechanic with a family friend. Worked stupid hours just to put food on the table. He put his entire life on hold for me. I wasn't worth it. He didn't realise that then."

Sam wiped his eyes.

"When I finished school I got a scholarship. Free ride to Stanford. Dean was ecstatic, so happy that I got to do what he couldn't. I think he was jealous too, but he would never show it. I didn't even think about what I was leaving behind. He had dropped everything for me, but I ran away and didn't look back. I was thrilled to get away. I don't even remember saying goodbye."

Gabe had taken one of Sam's hands in his own. Sam didn't have the heart to pull away.

"I wanted to do Law, so I took all the pre-Law type courses at Stanford. I took every elective I could and filled my schedule with work. I thought I was so clever, getting in on a full ride and escaping my old life. I felt free for the first time. I was stupid. I acted recklessly and I guess I paid the price."

Sam didn't know how to word the next bit nicely.

"I met a new crowd. Ruby was the ringleader – she's the ex who appeared at the gym. Super hot, popular chick, and she was interested in me. Really interested. I didn't think for a second that something was off about that. I just went with whatever she said. She got me into drinking, partying, out every night getting wasted. Then she started me on drugs, soft ones at first, but finally hardcore shit like heroin. I loved it. I loved the rush, the popularity. I fell behind on my work but I didn't care. Neither did she. We were off our faces for pretty much our entire relationship."

Gabe had tensed. Sam could feel the way his muscles had forced his fingers to contract around Sam's hand. But he said nothing, so Sam continued.

"Eventually of course, we got kicked out. Most of the others had stopped by then, pulled away before they were in too deep. I thought they were weak. But in reality they were so much stronger than me. Once I got kicked out Dean found me, and he was beyond livid. Called me a freak, a disgrace. Said I'd wasted my life. He wanted to help, stick me in rehab, but Ruby was still whispering in my ear and I trusted her, like an idiot."

Sam felt hollow. Retelling the story was eating him away inside.

"I got out eventually. I was rushed to hospital on an overdose, I collapsed by the roadside or something. That scared me, finally showed me what an idiot I was. I checked in to rehab and didn't come out until I was certain I could stay clean. Dean guided me through it. I have no idea why he still wanted to help me, but he did."

Sam glanced at Gabriel, but his face was impossible to read.

"From there it wasn't plain sailing. Most places wanted nothing to do with an ex-addict – and I did some shady shit while I was high, too. You don't want to know about the fights. I've spent more time in cells than some convicts. But I finally got qualified in fitness and persuaded somewhere that they wanted me as a personal trainer – and that was it. A normal life. I have to force myself to keep at it, sometimes. It's wrong to crave the dark days, but there's darkness in me and it wants out. But even though I don't deserve it, I made it here."

Sam pulled his hand out of Gabriel's. "I won't blame you for leaving now."

Gabe looked at Sam, and suddenly he was hugging him again, burrowing into his chest.

"You do deserve it, Sam. You deserve to be happy. Maybe you made some bad choices once, but that's the past, and you've made up for them. Stop carrying so much guilt around and let go."

Sam was stunned. Gabe was actually forgiving him?

"I can't just let go-"

"You can. Trust me, Sammy. Just make peace with your demons. Let go."

For the first time in years, Sam properly broke down and cried.

He had never deserved a second chance. He had never deserved any of this. But somehow, against all the odds, he had gained a nice life and someone he loved.

He would never doubt Gabe again.