Yao was his friend. Ivan smiled and sat by him at lunchtimes, and they passed notes during class. They were gossipers, always talking about the other students. Yao would comment on everything quietly to Ivan. Eyes, makeup, hair, clothes, skin. Even pimples. Yao would gossip or make comments about them after the person was out of earshot. Yes, Ivan supposed that was a little rude, but it was conversation, and any conversation was good conversation when it came to him. He was the quiet boy, the one no-one would talk to simply because he was frightening. Yao was his only friend.

Ivan was jumpy, quiet, and pale. Yao was fearless, loud, and beautiful. He was very small, whereas Ivan was very big. They were polar opposites that attracted brilliantly. Like a magnetic force was pulling him to Yao, Ivan couldn't help but fall in love. Yao made him feel alive.He hadn't noticed the change in himself, but Yao certainly seemed to. Ivan was rather hesitant to get closer than this to Yao. He didn't want to pass on his issues and his anxieties over them. Ivan was the kind of boy who needed warning labels.

"Hey, wanna go on a date sometime?" said Yao one Friday afternoon, snapping Ivan out of his thoughts and back to attention. They had been walking home together at the time, as Ivan lived down a block from Yao, and it was nice to walk him home each afternoon. Ivan was paralyzed by those words. Whether by fear or exhilaration.. Well, that was a mystery to all parties involved. His initial thought was yes, yes, I love you, Yao. And he parted his lips to say it. No words escaped him, not a single syllable. And then his secondary thoughts kicked in. The doubts. The worries. What would he be dragging Yao through if he got more involved in his life? Would he have to tell him things he'd never told anyone before? He tensed still.

"Ivan? You okay there, kid?" Yao murmured, standing up on tip-toes to try and level their eyes. It was of no use, though, as even with the height boost, his eyes were only nearing Ivan's collarbones. Ivan shook his head to clear his thoughts, and Yao pouted even more. "You're not okay?"

"N-no-" Ivan stammered, irritated at himself. "Goodness, I mean-.."

"Hey, sorry if I made you nervous," Yao frowned. "Or uncomfortable for that matter. Hell, I don't even think I've asked if you're gay."

"Yeah," Ivan sighed. "Oh, um-.. Yeah, I mean. Like, yeah, I am."

"Alright, sweet. You're stuttering a lot all of a sudden," he observed, going back down onto flat feet and sticking his bottom lip in a dramatic pout. "Are you okay?"

"Just surprised," Ivan said without thinking.

"Surprised? Kid, I've had a crush on you since like three months ago." Yao scoffed, cheeks a little pink as he shook his head. "And I thought you liked me back, so I just thought, what the hell."

"I do." Ivan scolded himself for not looking before he leapt. Or in this case, admitted his feelings. Which was equivalent to jumping from a cliff, and then burying himself in a landslide. "Yeah, I do like you."

"Then is Saturday good for you?" Yao tilted his head, rocking innocently back and forth on the balls of his feet. "I need to know, because my family's waiting inside and they can probably see me talking to you and they're probably going to laugh at me because it's starting to snow."

Ivan hadn't even noticed the white snowflakes that were beginning to dust everything around. "Oh. Yes, Saturday is good for me.." he murmured. "That sounds very nice, Yao. Where will we go?" he said quietly, trying not to feel dread overwhelm him. Shit. What if Yao saw them? He bit his lip. Surely, Yao would think him a different person. Perhaps he'd gossip about him, too. Tell his other friends (because Yao had the liberty of having other friends) about Ivan's freaky secret. He'd just be laughed at.

"You don't sound so convinced," Yao frowned. "But, oh well. See you tomorrow at the mall?"

"Yeah, see you," Ivan nodded, and opened his arms for a hug as was per the norm each afternoon. He noted that Yao both hugged a little tighter, and lingered in his arms a little longer this time.

Ivan had spent most of the night fretting and worrying. Damn it, he would think to himself. Damn it, he's going to see! He's going to think I'm a freak or something-.. Damn it, damn it, damn it! And to think, he had spilled last night's dinner all over his last long-sleeved shirt. He had no jackets clean either. The curse of being a messy eater, he supposed. He could've tried to wash something really quickly, but it still would've looked horrible and it would have been damp, and that would have been terrible for a first date. A first date. It was better written as his first date. He had never actually been on a proper orthodox date before. Or an unorthodox date. Or any kind of romantic get together. Ever. And so, naturally, he grew heavily nervous.

"It'll be alright, brother," his sister comforted, petting his arm as he slumped on the couch, curled up in his blanket. "Yao is your friend, right? Just think of it like you're hanging out with him, just like normal." She said quietly, ruffling his hair before flashing a warm smile.

"Thanks, Kat," he mumbled quietly. "I'm just.. I don't want to freak out and ruin everything. I'm so stressed, I-"

"It'll be fine. I promise."

"How can you promise that?" Ivan murmured.

"Yao's a nice boy. He'll look after you. Besides, if he hurts you in the end, I'm sure Natalya won't let him hear the end of it." Katyusha pointed out, giving her brother an awkward side hug that grew even more awkward with the addition of her breasts getting in the way.

"Thank you," Ivan murmured, turning a bit and just resting his head against her chest, not moving his arms out from the blanket to hug her back. "I should get going, then."

The entire walk to the mall was nerve-wracking. Ivan had ended up settling upon a black and grey shirt from that one goth phase of his, and comfortable black jeans. He wore his scarf, as always, and that provided some contrast to his outfit. Well, he supposed his pale arms did, too. But there was that little splash of colour they provided that he didn't want to be seen. It was bad enough on the near-abandoned streets, but when he actually reached the shopping complex, he felt as if his heart was going to simply seize up and then fall from his chest.

Actually, with his black and white attire, and how he kept his arms pressed to his sides, he looked rather like a penguin. That thought was embarrassing, and Ivan only felt sicker when it culminated with everything else racing in his mind. Oh my god, I look so stupid.. Damn it, are those people looking at me? They're looking at me. Do they think I look stupid, too? His heart was pounding by this point, and his mind clouded. There was something heavy in his stomach, almost as if he had stones in his belly. He had to take deep breaths and remember what he'd read about breathing exercises, but it was becoming harder and harder to do when his legs threatened to give out and he needed to slump against one of the walls to stop himself from falling. As he hyperventilated and wheezed for air, a single thought struck him like an arrow to the skull. If they weren't looking at me before, they're looking now.

"Ivan!"

A voice broke the haze, and Ivan looked up, so painfully embarrassed to be panicking in a public place. Especially in front of Yao. He coughed and stared back down at the ground, breaths ragged and shaky. "Clear out, people, nothing to see here," Yao snarled to the people who had stopped to stare, and he opened his arms for the sniveling boy. Ivan practically fell into them, clinging onto Yao. Oh, god, he was so embarrassed. Yao would be repulsed once he saw.

"Yao," he whimpered softly, and tried to regulate his breathing. "I'm sorry-"

"Hey, it's fine," Yao mumbled, rubbing gentle circles into Ivan's back. "Hey, hey, shh." They stayed like that a little while, until Ivan was calmed down and he could actually breathe again. "Mm.. Want to go and get something to eat?"

Yao led Ivan to the food court, and Ivan was still a bit too out of it to notice that Yao's hand tightly held onto his own. He sat down at the table Yao showed him to. "Hey, will you be okay here by yourself while I go and get our food?" he asked quietly, standing behind Ivan and gently rubbing his shoulder. "Or, do you wanna come with? I know all your favourite meals, so I'll make sure not to get you something you hate."

"I'll be fine," Ivan murmured, and hid his arms beneath the tabletop.

Yao came back to Ivan's face being buried in the table of the food court. Tears had seeped from the boy's eyes down onto the table, and it was rather pitiful to see. "Hey, Ivan," he said quietly, placing down the tray of food and sitting across from his date. "Are you feeling okay?" Ivan slowly lifted his head, but didn't dare lift his arm to wipe his eyes. Shit, he thought, staring at the food on the table. I can't eat right now. He'll see.

"I'm not.. hungry," he lied, although he was trying to stop himself from drooling over the lovely Chinese food that sat in little boxes upon the tray. "Yeah."

"Ivan, I mean, you had a panic attack and you were crying just now, are you okay," Yao reiterated, tilting his head and frowning. "I'm not making you uncomfortable? This isn't too much for you?" Ivan took a heavy and staggered breath.

"I'm.. I don't know," he mumbled. Why can't I just say 'I'm fine' and drop it!? "There are just lots of people and I look stupid."

"Huh? Oh, you don't look stupid at all," Yao huffed. "Is that all you're worried about?"

"Ah.." Yes. Say yes, damn it. "No.."

"Okay.. Do you want to talk about it?" he tilted his head once more, giving the appearance of a curious owl.

"No."

"Mm.. Well, we should eat before our lunch gets cold," Yao nodded, allowing Ivan his privacy. "I know you're hungry. I heard your stomach growl earlier."

Ivan just watched Yao eat, hoping that doing so would fill his stomach; that was a frivolous wish, and it did not. Watching Yao shovel dumplings and spring rolls into his mouth only made Ivan hungrier, and his belly grumbled.

"Come on, Ivan, eat up," said Yao after swallowing his current mouthful. "Get some of it before I eat it all, mmkay?" And he chuckled.

Ivan bit his lip and slowly lifted his arms up from his lap, reaching for the pair of chopsticks that remained on the tray. Yao's eyes didn't even shift from his eyes, even when those lines of red on pale pink became visible. He was smiling like he didn't have a care in the world. Well, he was more smiling like he was sitting in front of a boy he liked very much. Ivan ate slowly. Although Yao had passive-aggressively threatened to eat all of the food on the table, he made sure to leave a considerable chunk of it for Ivan. After Ivan was full, he put his arms back down under the table.

"So.." he mumbled awkwardly. "You're not.. gonna ask?" Yao tilted his head, confused.

"About what? I already asked you out, which is one of the best asks ever."

"About them," Ivan frowned, lifting his left arm and putting it on the table. "You're not gonna ask?"

"Why, do you want me to?" Yao asked softly. In a situation like this, Yao lost either way. If Ivan had wanted him to ask, he would feel guilty for not asking and giving the impression that he didn't care. If Ivan hadn't wanted him to ask, and he asked, he would seem insensitive and would probably frighten Ivan.

"I'm just.. I don't know," he mumbled. "You don't think I'm a freak?" Ivan said in a whimper, looking down at the table and cringing when his eyes flicked to the healing lacerations across his underarm.

"Why would it make you a freak?" Yao frowned. "I don't think of you any differently, Ivan. I wasn't going to ask because I respect your privacy." Ivan's heart grew lighter, and he felt as if he could melt into Yao's arms the next time they embraced.

Now, in any cliché, terribly-written piece, this is the part where Yao would kiss Ivan's scars and say 'oh, it'll be alright, baby. I'm here for you.'. And then, as if having a new person in his life was enough to stop him from self-harm, Ivan would stop, and there would a be a storybook happy ending. Maybe they would get married. But that's not what happened with Ivan and Yao. Because that's not what happens. Ever. That's not how the cookie crumbles, children.

In reality, Yao took Ivan's hand, and gave him a faint smile. He still had bits of spring roll in his teeth, and Ivan couldn't help but crack a little smile of his own. "Yao, you've got lunch in your teeth," he chuckled softly, reaching up his free hand to finally wipe his puffy eyes. Yao laughed, reached up, and picked at his teeth.

"Did I get it?"

"Yeah."

"Alright, well," he mused softly, looking at Ivan's hand. "Is this what you were worried about?"

"Yeah," Ivan nodded. "Thanks for not asking, I think."

"On the other hand, if you wish to tell me, that's okay too, but don't pressure yourself or anything. It's only if you're comfortable." Yao said in a gentle tone.

"Thanks for that, Yao," he mumbled, squeezing Yao's hand even tighter. "I don't.. I don't think I'm ready yet, so.."

"Then it's alright. You don't ever have to be ready, mmkay? You never have to tell me if you're not comfortable."

Ivan slowly stood up, and moved aside his table, opening his arms for Yao's embrace. Yao stood up, and put his arms gently around his date. "Thank you, Yao."

what inspired this was p much reading fics that featured self-harm and simply seeing how wrong they were and i just opened a word document and said 'im going to do this and im going to do this right'.