Truth Teeth

Lebam

I stayed in hiding in the bedroom closet all morning. Dipper and the other me brought me some food from breakfast. A cute blonde girl with long hair was with them.

"I'm having a hard time with not really being Mabel," I told them. "It's all new to me."

"You used to know," said Dipper. "Something erased your memory. I wish I knew what."

"Do you remember me?" asked the blonde girl. "I'm Pacifica Northwest, Dipper and Mabel's cousin."

"Hi, Pacifica," I said. "Nice to meet you."

Pacifica looked sad.

"You were sleeping over at my house last night," said Pacifica. "You left while I was asleep. You left a note saying you were going to check something out. And then you ended up back here. Do you remember any of that?"

"It's all a blank," I said.

"You asked me for something last night, for forged documentation for a new identity," Pacifica said. "I want to help."

I took a deep breath as it hit me that I was legally nobody. "I guess... I really need that. I need a new life, and a job."

"You can stay with us, and share my life," said Mabel. "We can switch off and fool Grunkle Stan."

"That might work for a little while, but the end of summer is coming," I said. "There's no way I can go home with you to Piedmont."

"I guess not," said Mabel.

"It's going to be harder to use my family connections to get documents than I thought," said Pacifica. "My mother is putting pressure on me about spending so much time with all of you. She nearly didn't let me come over today."

"Why?" asked Dipper. "We're your cousins."

"Yes, but she thinks of you as social undesirables who are a bad influence on me," said Pacifica.

"Is that what you think?" asked Mabel.

"I like your influence on me," said Pacifica. "I'm having a lot more fun than I ever did before."

"But you won't be able to get me documents?" I asked.

"I had an idea about that," said Pacifica. "Great-Uncle Stan might know a way. He seems to have some shady connections in his background."

"Grunkle Stan acts pretty shady, all right," said Dipper. "But today may not be the best time to ask him about doing something dishonest."

"Why not?" I asked.

"Mabel pulled a dirty trick on him," said Dipper.

Mabel said, "It's a good thing. I've gotten tired of Grunkle Stan lying to everyone. I used Dipper's journal to find some Truth Teeth and I put them in his mouth last night. Now he has to tell the truth."

"It's terrible," said Dipper. "At breakfast he told us he spends his lunch break aggressively scratching himself in places he shouldn't mention. It's more information than I wanted to know."

"I think it's a good time to ask him," said Pacifica. "If he's got any leads on forged identity papers he'll have to tell us."

"May I come with you?" I asked. "I've been cooped up here all morning."

"You go, Lebam," said Mabel. "I'll stay up here."

"This is not a great idea," said Dipper. "Those truth teeth make things complicated."

"Trust me," said Pacifica. "I'll make it work."

We found Grunkle Stan in his office. "Doin' my taxes," he said.

Pacifica and I looked at the form on his desk. Stan had written "I HAVE COMITTED TAX FRAUD" across it in big red letters.

"Grunkle Stan, why did you write this?" I asked.

"Because I regularly commit massive tax fraud," said Grunkle Stan.

"That form says 2012," said Pacifica. "It's for next year. Taxes are always done for the previous year."

"May as well get a head start," said Grunkle Stan.

I said, "Better not send it in. We don't want you to go to jail, Grunkle Stan."

"The sooner I go to jail and pay my debt to society, the sooner I start living a more honest life," said Grunkle Stan.

"Speaking of fraud," said Pacifica. "Do you know anyone who could make fake identity papers for Mabel and myself, that would make us seem older, like about eighteen?"

"I could do it myself," said Stan. "I've created lots of forged identities. But I don't want you to get Mabel started drinking."

"I'm not planning on drinking anything but Mabel juice," I said.

"Alcohol isn't good for you, honey. Look at me. I've rotted my brain."

"It's not that," I said. "I want to be able to get a job."

"You've got a job here, this summer."

"A paid job," I said.

"I don't want to do it," said Stan. "It would be dishonest."

Pacifica said, "Tell us, why did you create fake identities?"

"I needed some other names for business purposes," said Stan.

"Business purposes, huh? Is your real name even Stanford Pines?" Pacifica asked.

"Everyone in town will tell you that," said Stan.

"But you didn't speak for yourself," said Pacifica. "What do you say your name is?"

"Just a second. There's something funny about my teeth," said Stan.

He took them out of his mouth. "What do you know? Theth are gold. They aren't my real falth teef."

Grunkle Stan fished in his desk drawer and produced a spare pair of dentures, which he put in.

"You knew," said Pacifica. "You took them out because they were forcing you to speak the truth."

"Nonsense, they just didn't feel right," said Stan. "Mabel, did you switch out my teeth?"

"Not me," I said honestly.

"I think you're hiding something, Grunkle Stan" said Pacifica. "But if you make the identity papers for us I won't look into it any further."

"You have the makings of a great criminal mind, young lady," said Stan. "Maybe it runs in the family."

"Only on your side. The Northwests have a great reputation for honesty."

"Really?" asked Stan.

"Everyone in town will tell you that," said Pacifica.

"Right," said Stan.

"About those papers..." said Pacifica.

"I'll do it," said Stan. "Not because of blackmail, you understand. Just because I like your chutzpah."

We returned to the bedroom.

"Mission accomplished," said Pacifica.

"Great!" said Mabel.

"But the truth teeth are gone," I said.

"Oh!" said Mabel.

"That's a relief," said Dipper.

"I guess it's for the best," said Mabel. "We didn't really want to hear all that embarrassing stuff. Grunkle Stan is entitled to his privacy."

I agreed, and I decided not to say anything about the doubts we had uncovered about Grunkle Stan's past. He deserves his secrets, just like I deserve mine.