Disclaimer: QAF does not belong to me. If it did, episode 5.13 never would have happened, which is why this story exists.

This story is my own version of what happens in and after the series finale. I hope you enjoy it!

Justin handed over the cab fare and slid out of the car, pulling out his luggage and portfolio behind him, white air puffing from his lips. He slammed the door and stepped onto the sidewalk, peering up at the looming building ahead of him and ignoring the blaring horn of a disgruntled driver as the cab pulled out into the busy New York streets. Taking a deep breath, he headed inside and up to the apartment he'd be sharing with Daphne's friend.

He huffed out a breath as he reached the fourth floor landing. His nerves were raging, not because of where he was or who he was about to meet, but because of what it meant. It meant leaving behind his life in the Pitts, at least temporarily, and his life with Brian. It meant a whole new start and the scary daunting task of taking on the art world in the big city. He wasn't even convinced that's what he wanted, but having everyone around you tell you how stupid passing up this opportunity would be is a bit intimidating in itself. Having Brian practically shoving him out the door to pursue his "dreams" didn't make his decision any easier either, but here he was, hoping to take the art world by storm.

Justin knocked on the door and waited, anxiously biting his lip and drumming his fingers against his thigh. The hallway suddenly flooded with light as the door was yanked open and the light jazz music playing within filtered out along with its exuberant occupant. "Hi! You must be Justin! I'm Tammy!" greeted the girl. She wore dark-washed jeans and a long sweater, decorated with a colorful scarf and a high ponytail. Her auburn curls bounced despite their constraint as she bounded forward to drag him into the apartment.

As she closed the door behind them Justin rubbed the back of his neck and returned her excited greeting with an awkward grin. "Uh, yeah. It's really good to meet you. Daphne's told me a lot about you."

"I'm sure!" she laughed, gesturing into the first room. "Well, let me show you around and then you can get settled."

"That'd be great," Justin agreed. He was suddenly hit by a wave of exhaustion, feeling the effects of his early flight. At that thought he winced, remembering his secret and quiet exit that morning and how painful it was to leave Brian behind, especially unaware. As much as he would have liked to say a proper goodbye to his partner, he knew he would probably start sniveling like the 'little faggot' he had once claimed not to be to the very same man. He didn't want to deal with how hard it would be to actually say goodbye to his partner, to see his face, because he knew it would make leaving that much more difficult. While he'd been thinking, Tammy had led him through the few rooms that constituted the city apartment and finally revealed where he would be staying.

"And this is your room. It's not huge or anything but it'll work. I'll leave you to it. If you need anything, I'll be in the living room." With one last smile, she backed out of the doorway, leaving Justin to stare at the small room. Talk about living a minimalist life. The room contained a twin bed, a dresser, a desk, and a miniscule closet. Brian wouldn't even be able to fit his shoes in there. Again Justin winced as he thought about his partner. Though he thought about Brian regularly through every day, he was always consoled by the fact that he would be able to see his lover that night. This time, everything was different. He couldn't return to Brian in the evenings or feel the man's arms wrap around him in a comforting embrace after a hard day. He couldn't anticipate the lewd remarks that would roll from his lover's tongue in preparation for a fantastic round of fucking or see the patented lip curl when the older man was attempting to be ridiculously romantic. All he had now was Brian's reassurance that "It's only time".

With a heavy sigh, Justin allowed his things to drop to the floor and his body to sink into the mattress of his new bed. He pulled his sketchbook and a pencil from his bag before sliding back against the wall and settling in to draw. After the emotionally tiring day, make that days, all he wanted to do was sketch, to allow the built up feelings to escape onto the page and take shape into something beautiful. He felt drained but wanted to at least get something down before he faced the rest of the day and his new roommate. The girl was extremely pleasant, but feeling as tension-filled as he did now, he didn't want to end up being rude or snapping at her.

For the next hour and a half Justin mindlessly sketched, allowing his thoughts to translate into a very distinct and familiar image. As he pulled back, Justin allowed the dreamlike haze that fell around him when he drew to lift and he examined his work. He sighed. It seemed he couldn't stop himself from thinking about Brian. From the time he was seventeen to now, Brian's image had graced the multitude of sketchbooks and canvases he had filled. Even now, states away from the man, and Justin couldn't prevent himself from recreating him. Justin groaned and set the sketchbook aside, falling face first into the pillow. He clenched his hands into the comforter up by his head and let another frustrated groan fall from his lips. What was wrong with him? He came to New York to further his art career, to fulfill his dreams of being recognized for his work, to become what everyone said he could be, not to remain entrenched in the same work and mentality as before he left. New York was supposed to be completely new and yet he felt a deep sadness fill him at that thought. What was the point of starting over and trying for something supposedly better when he already had everything he wanted? He was recognized for his work in Pittsburgh and a lot of people loved his stuff, so why wasn't that enough. Why was New York supposed to be better? How could it be when his family, his whole life, his partner, above all, was back in Pittsburgh?

Feeling maudlin and altogether depressed, a single tear escaped Justin's eyes before he forced himself to buck up and go meet his roommate out in the living room. It wouldn't do him any good to hide away in his room feeling sorry for himself. He was here to take the art world head on just like the article from Art Forum magazine and Lindsay and everyone else kept telling him he could.

Justin straightened his shirt and then wandered out into the apartment, noticing for the first time, the many playbills and posters that decorated the walls. He smiled despite himself. It seemed Tammy was as invested in theater and acting as Daphne had described.

"Justin!" she exclaimed happily, "Did you get settled? How do you like New York so far? I was thinking we could order dinner soon." The words tumbled out in a seemingly endless rush and Justin blinked in surprise. He paused to take it all in before deciding he liked the girl's energy.

"Uh, not really settled yet. I ended up getting caught up in a sketch," he chuckled with a half smile. Tammy laughed along with him. "As for liking New York, I haven't really seen much of it yet. The cab ride was long but I mostly saw traffic and tons of people. As a matter of fact, the last time I was here I didn't see much of the city either." His cheeks colored lightly at the memory.

"Oh now you have to explain! No one gets that look on their face without a damn good reason! Spill!" Tammy eagerly leaned towards him and curled her legs under her as she bounced on them slightly. Justin laughed as she reminded him so much of Daphne in that moment. He wandered over to the couch and sank into it, spreading his hands out at his sides in a shrug.

"Well, I was seventeen at the time and my boyfriend had just kicked me out. I had left his apartment unlocked accidentally and he got robbed." Justin looked at his feet. "But anyway, he was pissed as hell at me and I decided that the best thing to do would be to runaway to New York and become a go-go boy in Chelsea." Justin's cheeks warmed at the thought. "I stole his credit card, took a plane, and holed up in a hotel. I was so, I don't know, heartbroken? Depressed? that I never even left the room. He drove up and found me the next day and brought me back to the Pitts. End of story." Justin flushed again at the memory of what he had left out, their amazing mini fuck-fest in the hotel. He squirmed uncomfortably for a moment before looking to Tammy. "So how about that dinner?"

She laughed uproariously, first because of the story and then because of his quick subject change, but allowed it all the same. "That's some dramatic life you have Justin! I was thinking Chinese! There's a really awesome place just down the street that we could walk to."

"Sounds good." In the following few hours, Justin and Tammy were able to acquire a substantial amount of junk food and consume the majority of it while lounging on the couch and alternating between talking and watching portions of a really crappy movie. By the end of the evening, Justin felt nearly as comfortable with Tammy as he did Daphne and a couple pounds heavier. Brian would never have let me eat that much food without at least some teasing for it. Justin growled under his breath. Damn it! It was apparently impossible for him to separate anything in his life from Brian, even something as mundane as food. He was fucked.

Justin rose from his place on the couch, grabbing some trash from the table to throw away. "I think I'm going to go unpack a little. I'm exhausted." Tammy nodded and turned her attention to the T.V. Justin shuffled into the kitchen, discarding the trash and washing his hands. Tiredly, he walked to his room, running a hand through his hair. He wanted to at least get a few things put away before he crashed. Grabbing a hanger, Justin started hanging his shirts up, unfurling them and cringing at their wrinkled state. He never would have worried about that before meeting Brian. Reaching for the next shirt blindly, Justin was surprised when he found one of Brian's shirts mixed in with his own. In fact, it was the shirt his lover had worn the night before Justin left. He must have grabbed it when he was scrounging around in the dark for his own discarded clothes. His partner's scent still clung to it heavily and Justin inhaled deeply, afraid it would disappear in the next instant. Choosing to abandon his unpacking endeavor, Justin crawled into bed along with Brian's shirt and clung to it tightly as he settled into the foreign mattress. It was comforting to have something of home in this new place. He ached for his lover as he tried to fall asleep. The physical ache for Brian was obviously present. When wasn't it? But the emotional longing he had for his lover in that moment was heart wrenching. He was hit with the strongest bout of homesickness he had ever faced and he didn't know what to do. He buried his face in the fabric of Brian's shirt and clenched his eyes shut, imagining his partner's arms around him and praying for sleep to claim him.

Justin jerked awake with a sharp inhale. He had been dreaming, and though waking from a dream most often spelt disaster in previous experiences for him, this one had been a good dream. He and Brian had been at Britin, the palace Brian had purchased for his prince. Justin still grinned madly and blushed when he thought of what Brian had said to him that day. In his dream, they had been in the room Justin imagined would be Brian's study, Brian at his desk, Justin on the sofa they would keep there in front of the fireplace. They had simply been spending time together, each doing their own thing, but still together. Brian had gotten up and come over to the couch where he wrapped his arms around Justin's shoulders from behind and rested his hands on his chest. He started nuzzling his neck, then licking, finally nipping his ear lobe before growling out a lusty remark. They had proceeded to lying flat on the sofa, Justin on his back with Brian on top of him, slowly grinding their naked bodies together and kissing passionately. Brian had reached down and grabbed Justin's hand, pushing it up by his head and entwining their fingers. With the other, Brian caressed Justin's side, lightly touching on the one spot he knows is ticklish. Justin giggled into Brian's mouth and wrapped his leg around his lover's hip. They continued to rock against each other for a long time, only slightly picking up the pace as they both neared orgasm. Just as Brian threw his head back in the throes of his climax and Justin was about to follow, he woke up.

Justin noticed right then that his nose was quite literally buried in Brian's shirt, the scent infiltrating his senses. No wonder he had dreamed of Brian. Justin reached down to palm his now raging erection, thinking back on the dream to bring himself off. As he settled back into the mattress, near boneless from the release, he thought of Brian and what he might be doing. Would he be sleeping at the loft? Or would he be out with the gang? Or maybe, and Justin winced a little inside, though he fought not to feel the jealousy, maybe Brian was out at Woody's or Babylon looking for a trick. Justin sighed. He couldn't really say what Brian would be doing. The man was so unpredictable in times like these, instances where his emotions are high. His reactions never quite match what anyone expects of him, even Justin, though he desperately hoped Brian hadn't moved on that quickly.

A small, but quickly growing part of his conscience wanted Brian to hurt a little. Wanted the man to miss him, even pine for him. And though that may be an overly romantic notion, Justin's heart refused to give up the longing for Brian to want him, to miss him and not try to replace him. Being away from his older lover was going to be more difficult than Justin had anticipated. Not only would he have to contend with missing the man, he would always be wondering what he was doing while Justin was away. Would the time apart hurt them? Would they grow away from each other? Justin didn't know. And he didn't particularly want to find out. But how could he reconcile his art and maintaining his relationship with Brian in a way that wasn't such an emotional strain?

Justin clenched Brian's shirt in his hand and brought it to his face once more, inhaling deeply. He wanted so badly to feel his partner wrapped around him right then. Brian would never admit to cuddling of any sort, but Justin knew that in the after throes of sex and often while asleep, the older man would pull him close and hold their bodies tightly together. Justin had woken on multiple occasions to find himself being curled more closely against Brian's body and he always went gladly. This time though, Justin found himself in a small cold bed, devoid of his partner and the warmth that always radiated from him.

Sitting up, Justin dangled his feet over the side of the bed until they reached the floor and turned on the light. He reached for his sketchbook and flipped through it. So many of the pages were filled with depictions of Brian, some of Brian and other people, but mostly Brian doing any of a number of things throughout the day. Finding one of his more recent sketches, he traced his finger along the line of Brian's jaw.

Justin suddenly wished he could talk to Brian, to hear his husky voice drawl through the speaker of his phone. He clenched his teeth together. It had only been a day. Not even twenty-four hours and Justin was longing to speak to and be with his lover again. If so little time had passed and Justin yearned for Brian already, how could he think to get through the next week or months like Brian said? Brian had said they might never see each other again, that "It's only time", but Justin couldn't see it that way. He couldn't fathom the thought of never seeing Brian again. It hurt too much. It wasn't just time. It was time away from the life he loved, the man he loved.

And it was then, Justin knew.

TBC

This is my first story in Queer as Folk. As a lover of the show, I was really nervous to even attempt writing for it. Let me know how I did?

Next chapter should be out soon!