A/N – This is another fill-in-the-gaps from RTTE. In this one-shot, Stoick gives Hiccup and Astrid the "talk."

Rated T

X

Toothless landed softly as the sun touched the west. Stormfly landed swiftly a second after. They'd landed just outside of Berk. Hiccup would rather not cause a commotion. He slid from the saddle. Astrid jumped to the ground.

"Okay, might as well get this over with," Hiccup said, heaving a sigh.

"Hiccup," Astrid said in her kind, you're-worrying-too-much voice. "I'm sure whatever your dad wants is fine."

"Yeah, but, he's never asked me to come home like this before," Hiccup said. "Not to mention to bring you, specifically. Something is up."

Astrid didn't have anything to immediately combat that with. She knew the oddity of it all, too.

"I just hope everything's okay," Hiccup said. Of course, why not put bad news into the Terror Mail? Why send a letter simply to ask Hiccup and Astrid to visit? That in itself had caused the gang to stir. They felt the same curiosity that Hiccup did.

"Well, there's one way to find out," Astrid said. She took the first step toward the Haddock house. "Head on."

Hiccup heaved another sigh, but didn't move. Toothless nudged him in the back and sent him forward a few steps. He warbled.

"Alright, fine, I'm going," Hiccup said to Toothless, and gave him a gentle pat on the snout.

Astrid waited dutifully beside the door. Hiccup set his hand on the handle. Toothless and Stormfly, as if sensing it, took up a game of chase-the-tail in the green beside the house. Astrid gave Hiccup a small nudge between the shoulder blades, as much of a nudge as an encouraging pat.

Hiccup opened the door.

Stoick sat at the table, goblet in hand, and Gobber sat on the other side. They'd been talking about something, but whatever it had been had stopped recently.

"Aye, that's what I thought," Stoick said, motioning to them with his goblet. "I thought I heard a Night Fury outside. A Deadly Nadder's not an uncommon sound, but there's only one man who rides a Night Fury."

"You wanted to see me?" Hiccup asked.

"Yes, I did," Stoick said. He took a drink. "Both of you. Come in, sit."

"Well, best get back to the stables," Gobber said. He hoisted himself up, groaning as though he worked hard at it, and left them. He shut the door behind him. Outside, Gobber let out a mischievous laugh.

"Uh…" Hiccup started. It felt like he'd missed something obvious. "You wanted to see both of us?"

Hiccup glanced at Astrid. She seemed as confused; her brows knitted together; she crossed her arms.

"Both of us, Chief?" Astrid asked.

"Aye," Stoick said. "It's, uh, well, it's a matter of importance to both of you. Sit."

Hiccup and Astrid sat across from Stoick, with the hearth fire burning behind them. Outside, Toothless warbled a friendly taunt. Stormfly returned a sweet chirp.

Stoick cleared his throat. He looked down into his goblet, which from this close, Hiccup could smell the mead. Stoick tapped his fingers on the table, cleared his throat again, and took another drink.

"Uh, Dad?" Hiccup asked.

"Right," Stoick said, looking at the table. "It's time."

"Time for what?" Hiccup asked slowly.

"Time for you two to be told the, uh, essential parts of life," he said.

Hiccup glanced at Astrid. She returned his confusion, maybe a little more.

"What?" Hiccup asked.

"You two are betrothed," Stoick said firmly, as if he'd commanded it. "That means you'll be married one day."

"Yes… it does," Hiccup said. He glanced at Astrid. She held her bottom lip between her teeth.

"Well, that means there are things you should know before that day arrives," Stoick said. "I've spoken to your folks, Astrid, and we agreed that it was best you and Hiccup have the talk together. And as chief, I… uh, well, the duty falls to me. You see, Hiccup, Astrid, when two people come together in a marriage, there are certain… things you need to know about."

Astrid's face had paled, but her cheeks had brightened. She looked a mixture between passing out and laughing. Hiccup understood; he felt the same. That's what his father meant. The talk. The essentials. Marriage. It was a sex talk.

Stoick cleared his throat. "You see, a husband and wife will have certain duties to one another, physical duties. And… and in order to… create…. uh, make a child, you need to know…"

"You need to know where to stick it," Gobber said as he came through the front door.

Everyone at the table jumped, including Stoick.

"Gobber!" Stoick said.

"What?" Gobber said. He set a sword on the table, freshly smithed. "I'm returning the sword I fixed. And, apparently, helping you lot along." He laughed.

"Thank you, Gobber."

"No problem, Chief, I'll be in the stalls if you need me." Gobber left, whistling.

Stoick stared at the door until it closed. He rubbed his temple and while his eyes were closed, he said, "Yes, as Gobber so eloquently put it. You, Son, need to know where to stick it."

"It?" Astrid asked, feigning innocent.

Hiccup glanced at her, but it didn't matter. His face had gone a burning red. Stoick's had too.

Stoick nodded. Without looking at either of them, he said, "Yes. You see, males have the required… attachments that fit into the female… attachments, that together create the necessary… oh." Stoick rubbed his face with vigor. "A man's parts, when… stimulated will fit into the female's parts. He then deposits the seeds into her, which will, if Thor permits, grow into a healthy baby. That's why when women are pregnant, the baby grows there. It comes out from there, too."

"So…" Hiccup started, unsure of where to take this talk. His voice, to his disliking, had gone a pitch or two higher. He was acutely aware of Astrid's presence in the room. "It goes… where?"

Stoick fumbled whatever words he'd been working on. He glared at Hiccup.

"You'll find out eventually," Stoick said. "But, the important part is that you two," he motioned between them, "are not to be trying this activity out before you're married. I'll be sorely upset at both of you if you come to me saying you need to be married. It's not proper for a baby to be born outside of a marriage, especially for a chief, Hiccup."

"I understand that part," Hiccup said.

Stoick sighed. "Any questions?"

Hiccup glanced at Astrid.

It seemed that Astrid had lost her ability to talk.

"Well," Stoick said, clearing his throat. He lifted his gaze to Hiccup. His cheeks were the same color as his beard. "Now that you know how sex works, uh, remember that it's the seed that gets a woman pregnant. Just for, uh, your personal information, as long as you don't… leave any, uh, inside…"

"She won't get pregnant," Hiccup finished his sentence. Gods, this was not what he'd expected.

"Right," Stoick said. "But I don't want you two trying it out."

"Got it," Hiccup said, nodding.

"Astrid, if you've got any questions, I'm sure your mother would be more… able to answer them than I. Not that I… I've been…" Stoick cleared his throat. "Well, now that we've got that out of the way, how's the Edge?"

"It's fine," Hiccup said, unable to look his father in the face.

An uncomfortable silence fell over the house.

"Do we need to talk about consent?" Stoick asked lowly.

"No," Hiccup said firmly. "No, we do not."

Stoick clapped his hands together, and said, "Great. I'm glad to hear it. Now, have you two eaten yet?"

"I'm not hungry," Hiccup said.

Astrid shook her head.

"Ah," Stoick said. "Well, if you want to stay, there's always a bed for you here."

"I-I should go check on Toothless," Hiccup said, fumbling to stand.

"And Stormfly," Astrid said quickly.

Neither spoke until they made it to the safety of the outdoors. Gobber jumped back; he'd been standing at the door, listening.

Gobber laughed, and said, "What? You don't get to hear that talk from Stoick very often. Me? I've only heard it a few. That was by far the best version. You should have heard him trying to tell Sven's boy that it wasn't polite to poke a girl with his attachments while she's sleeping."

"That's a very nice story, Gobber," Hiccup said, he had the sudden urge to bury himself in the sand for a week. "But I've got to go. Do something. Elsewhere."

"Right you are," Gobber said, and he started to hobble down to the smithy, for real.

Toothless and Stormfly were playing a short ways from the house.

"Well that was… something," Hiccup said, half-laughing as they walked.

Astrid chuckled, and said, "It would have been a lot handier three months ago."

"Yeah, let's not mention that to my dad."