Chapter Four: Realizations

'So Olivia, how are you doing since our last session? Are you feeling better about things?' Dr. Warren asked.

'Yes. Well, I am about some things but not everything.' Olivia replied. 'I'm working things out with the man I love and that feels amazing but a part of me is still lacing up her running shoes, you know? That scares me more than I can tell you. I don't want to run from him again. I don't but when I'm alone and start to feel overwhelmed, I feel the urge to pack up and go again. It's not even just about him and how he loves me or how afraid I am of letting him down or hurting him again. It's my job. I haven't been back to my office. My team doesn't even know I'm back in DC. I can't face them. I feel...ashamed.'

'Okay. Let's start with your relationship. What makes you run? What has triggered your flight instinct when it comes to this man?'

'The first time it was guilt over the affair. The second time it was wanting him to be the best man he could be and I didn't think that could happen with me in the picture. The third time it was just out and out bullshit. This last time was about his loss. My mother killed his son. How do I look him in the eye after my own flesh and blood has done something so horrific? I couldn't so I got on a plane with a man that I knew was wrong in every way and left the love of my life to mourn his son alone. What you should be asking me Doctor is what doesn't make me run?' Olivia felt sick saying it out loud. When she did it was all too real for her. The pain she had caused Fitz over and over and over again, it made her ache for him.

'Let's talk about this man that you left with, what was your relationship with him?'

'He was a boyfriend...no that's not true. He was a man I slept with to either make me feel better about being separated from Fitz or to get information. I guess it was a relationship in the sense that I did care what happened to him and I felt responsible for some of the things that happened to him but I never loved him. I never even came close. He was never going to mean anything real to me. I guess that's why I could rationalize prostituting myself to get information from him. I felt sick afterwards but not because I used him. It was because of what I was becoming and the fact that I had betrayed Fitz. I was so mad at him a few years ago for being with another woman but the truth was I had no right. We weren't together at the time. He was free to do whatever he wanted. But when I slept with Jake the last time, Fitz and I were as together as we could be. I betrayed him and you know what he did? He let it go. He hated it but he didn't hold it over my head or get angry. He just told me that it made him crazy and that he didn't want me to do it. When I found out about this other woman from a couple of years ago, I tried to destroy him professionally. I have been so hypocritical when it comes to him. It's so unfair. I don't even know why or how he can still love me the way he does.'

'Okay. Let's get back to this other man. He was one of the men that physically assaulted you right?' Dr. Warren asked and Olivia nodded. 'So why did you leave with him? You've told me you didn't love him and knew you never would. He lied to you, assaulted you, and killed your friend. So why do you think you left with him?'

'He asked me if he could come with me.'

'Why? Did he think you were in love with him?'

'No. I told him I loved another man. I was very clear about that.' Olivia replied.

'Then why did he want to go?'

'He said he wanted to stand in the sun. He asked me to save him. So I let him come along. I wanted to help him.'

'Why?'

'That's what I do. I save people. I fix them.'

'No, Olivia. You fix situations. You cannot fix people. People have to fix themselves. Do you not see that this man manipulated you? He told you exactly what he knew would get you to do what he wanted. He had you lying for him. He had you protecting him. He attacked you more than once and put your life in danger. Olivia, this is classic batterer behavior.' Dr. Warren explained.

'No. He wasn't battering me. He's had a rough life. He is trained to...'

'Olivia, stop right now. Listen to yourself. You are making excuses for this man where there are none. He was trying to control you. He tried and succeeded in getting you away from everything and everyone you know and love and he did that by manipulating you and playing on your, and I'm sorry to say this as harshly as I am going to but it needs to be said, playing on your inexplicable need to save people. You have a savior complex, Olivia. And you need to recognize and correct that behavior because it is becoming dangerous for you.' Dr. Warren was firm with her diagnosis and her advice. Olivia needed to understand where the root of the issue began.

Olivia sat in silence and ran over and over in her head what Dr. Warren was saying as well as everything that had happened with Jake. It finally hit her. Jake was doing all of the things Dr. Warren pointed out.

'Every time I said goodbye to him and tried to break it off he would come back and convince of something else that made him necessary. My safety, Fitz, my mother, his job, and finally saving him. Oh my god. How could I not see this?'

'Olivia, you see things you want to see. With this man he showed you what he knew you wanted to see and with all the chaos going on, he was able to control you. Now that you understand what has happened and what the consequences of those things were or could have been you have the power to change things going forward. Fixing situations is noble and a great thing to do but you cannot fix people. You cannot save people from themselves. That is not your responsibility, Olivia. That is not your job.' Dr. Warren explained gently. 'Where does your relationship with this man stand now?'

'I told him that I had come back to DC and he should find his own happiness away from me and away from his old job.' Olivia said.

'Do you believe he will do that? Do you believe he will stay away from you? Because if you do not fully believe that in your gut you need to prepare yourself for when he resurfaces. In my experience batterers rarely just give up.'

'No. He won't. He will come for me. I'm safe where I am staying but if he gets a chance, he will try and get to me.' Olivia's gut was screaming. Jake wasn't going to give up on her and it was stupid to believe he would. She finally saw him for what he really was. She needed to talk to Fitz. No more secrets

'Well then you know what you need to do. Be very careful, Olivia. I will see you next week.' Dr. Warren said.

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'Hi Lauren, is he in?' Olivia asked as she approached Lauren's desk.

'Yes ma'am. He has about an hour before his next meeting. Mr. Beene just left so he should be alone.' Lauren told her.

Olivia smiled. 'Thank you.' She walked over to the door and knocked softly before turning the handle. The small smile she was still wearing for Lauren became huge when she saw his blue eyes dancing at his desk.

'Hi.' Fitz said.

'Hi.'

'How was your session?' He asked and moved to the sofas so he could set with her.

'Very productive. That is actually why I am here. I need to ask you for something and it's really hard for me to do this so please bear with me.'

'Livvie, I will give you anything you want. You know that.' Fitz ran his hand down her arm and laced his fingers with hers.

'Fitz, I know that it is entirely against protocol and that I don't have any right to ask but do you think you could assign me a security detail?'

Fitz's eyes widened and concern etched across his face. 'What's wrong? Are you in some kind of danger?'

'I think so. I didn't really realize it until I was with Dr. Warren but we were talking things out and she made me realize some things and now I know I need to be careful and I should be afraid.' Liv explained.

'Who are you afraid of, Livvie?'

'Jake.'

'Jake? Why? I thought you were done with him?'

'I am. I am done with him and that is why I am afraid. Fitz, Dr. Warren and I discussed Jake and my relationship with him and as we were going over everything I realized that unbeknownst to me, I have been involved with someone that is not sane and dangerous and now that he knows where I am and why I have to assume he is angry and I have to assume he will come after me. He was angry when I broke it off. Every single time that I have told him goodbye, he has figured out a way to weasel himself back into my life. This time he can't because I am at Blair House. That is only going to make him angrier. He will figure out that I am not staying at my apartment and I have not been back to OPA and he will know I am here with you and he will become irrational and dangerous and he terrifies me when he is like that. When he is like that he kills people or chokes me and holds my staff at gunpoint. I don't want to risk it and I can't stay locked up in Blair House forever. I need to get back to work soon. I need to check in with my staff but I don't want to do that if it's going to make me a sitting duck. So please Fitz, will you help me?'

'Yes, of course. Yes, Livvie. I will do anything to keep you safe. I will have Daniel pick out some agents that he feels are good and you would be comfortable with. In the meantime you will not go anywhere without him. This includes the tunnels, Liv. I don't think Jake can get into them but I also wouldn't put anything past him. I have no idea what he may have learned or have access to from when he was with B6-13. I don't want you going back and forth in those tunnels alone, understood.'

Olivia nodded and tried to fight the tears that were filling her eyes. Fitz pulled her close to him and held her tightly. 'I'm scared, Fitz and I hate being scared.'

'I know, Livvie. But I will keep you safe. I promise.' They sat like that for a few minutes when Lauren came in.

'Sorry to interrupt but Miss Pope you have a phone call.'

Olivia furrowed her brow. 'What? No one knows I'm here. Did they say who they were?'

'Yes ma'am. It's that Huck person from your office. He's called here every day since you left to see if anyone had heard from you. Today was the first time he called since you returned.'

'You told him Olivia was here, Lauren?' Fitz asked.

'No, sir. He said he knew she was here.'

Fitz looked at Olivia. Something wasn't right. 'Put him through, Lauren.' Fitz walked over to the desk and picked up the phone. 'Huck? This is President Grant. How can I help you?'

'Well I did ask to speak to Olivia but I'm guessing that won't happen now.' His voice dripped with malice.

'Jake?' Fitz said. Olivia gasped and walked over to Fitz.

'Yes sir. How are you? I've been meaning to send my condolences about your son. Time just got away from me.'

'What do you want, Ballard?'

'I just wanted to ask Olivia a question.'

'That isn't going to happen.' Fitz said but before he could stop Olivia reached over and put the call on speaker.

'What do you want, Jake? I thought we said our goodbyes.' Olivia said in an ice cold voice.

'Oh there you are, Liv. You said goodbye but I didn't. That's not why I called though.' Jake's tone had something in it that made Olivia's skin crawl.

'Why did you call?' she spat.

'Tell me Liv, how is Harrison?' Jake asked.

'Harrison? What? What the hell are you talking about, Jake? I'm not interested in any of your games.' Liv's tone was dismissive and this just proved to irritate Jake further.

'Fine, let's cut to the chase. Your number two in command? Your Gladiator in a suit? Well, I'm sorry to tell you he's dead. But that's not the best part.'

'What?' Olivia choked out as she felt her knees start to buckle she held on to Fitz's desk.

'Ballard! What the hell are you talking about!?' Fitz yelled. He looked at Olivia and watched the color drain from her face. He reached over and pulled her to him by her waist.

'Don't act like you don't know, Mr. President.' Olivia looked at Fitz with sad and confused eyes.

'Is it true? Is Harrison dead? Did you know this?' Liv asked terrified of his answer.

'No. I don't know anything about Harrison. I haven't seen him in months.' Fitz answered.

'Well that's odd. I just watched a video of one of your Secret Service Agents putting a bullet into his head.' Jake smirked as he spoke.

'Oh my god.' Olivia pulled away from Fitz.

'He's lying. What reason would I have to have Harrison killed, Livvie?'

'I don't know your reasons but I do recognize good old Tom when I see him. So if he wasn't acting under your orders sir, whose orders was he operating under? Olivia, I'll be waiting for you at home when you're done with the man that murdered your most trusted friend.' Jake said and hung up.

Olivia stood motionless for a moment and turned and threw up in Fitz's wastebasket. Fitz knelt next to her. 'Livvie?'

'Fitz?' She looked at him with devastated eyes. 'Please, no. Please tell me you didn't do this. Please tell me you didn't have Tom kill Harrison so that you could find me. He didn't know where I was. Please Fitz. Tell me you didn't.' Olivia was sobbing.

'No. Olivia I swear to you. I swear on my children I did not. I would not. Tom went AWOL shortly after you left. I don't know where he is. We are looking but we don't know where he is. Liv, I did not do this.'

'I'm sorry. I just. I need to call Abby. Maybe he's lying and Harrison is fine.'

'Yeah. Yeah, let's call Abby.' Fitz picked Olivia up off the floor and put her in his chair and then dialed OPA.

'Olivia Pope and Associates.' Abby's voice filled the room.

'Gabby, it's President Grant.' Fitz said.

'Abby!' Olivia said in an angry whisper.

'I'm sorry. I mean Abby. My apologies.' Fitz stammered.

'Hello, Mr. President. If this is about Olivia, we haven't heard from her since she left.' Abby explained.

'No. Actually I was calling about Harrison. Is he there?'

'No, sir. Can I help you?' Abby responded.

'Do you know when he will be back? This is something he helped me with on the first campaign. I really need to speak with him.'

'Sir, I'm sorry. We don't know where Harrison is. We haven't seen or heard from him since Olivia left. I think he is with her. If I hear from either of them I will call you. Goodbye.'

'Thank you, Abby. Goodbye.' Fitz looked at Olivia who looked like she was going to be sick again. 'Livvie, I will find him. We will find him.'

'He's dead, Fitz. I can feel it. I let him down too. He's gone.' Olivia laid her head on Fitz's desk and sobbed. Fitz rubbed her back and let her feel it. He knew she needed to get it out and then she would be ready to find Harrison or avenge him. He would do everything he could to help her.

'Livvie. We will fix this somehow. We will find a way to do right by Harrison, I promise.' He knelt next to her and pulled her to the floor with him. Olivia knew Harrison was gone and the pain she felt was crippling. She was so grateful she was with Fitz in that moment. She wouldn't have been able to take it without him. She held onto Fitz like she thought he would disappear and sobbed for her friend, her Gladiator. She wept for Harrison.

Hi all! So most of you are not at all happy about Jake. Let me assure you Olivia will at no point go back to Jake. That said there are consequences for every action and in my story Jake is going to pay for what he has done. Unfortunately that means he will be around for a while longer. Oh and Harrison...ugh. That will be handled as well in this story. Anyway let me know what you think. Thank you for all of your reviews and for reading!